Archive for January, 2008
My boyfriend is a crossdresser, what do I do?
You’re likely feeling a bit shocked - after all, this is unlikely to be something you expected when you entered the relationship. Your boyfriend was probably wracked with fear when you first found out, and it’s likely he didn’t tell you himself because he feared that you wouldn’t accept his crossdressing. He may be both nervous and eager to share more details with you. Don’t let him go faster than you feel comfortable with. After all, he has been dealing with this for years and you only just found out.
You shouldn’t fear that you’re in this alone - It is surprisingly common for men to crossdress, at least occasionally. Some estimates say that roughly 5% of men are transgendered. There are many organizations that help wives and girlfriends, I recommend Tri Ess as a great place to start. http://www.tri-ess.org/brdapprvdresrc.html#sosupport They offer a supportive environment in which you can share your situation with other woman who are going through the same thing.
It could also be that you’re thinking about this a bit too much - if you have fun together when he’s crossdressing, go with it. Don’t feel like you need to conform to an outdated set of societal norms!
A great resource is a book written by Peggy Rudd called ‘My Husband Wears My Clothes’. I’ve included a link below. This book was written by a woman who’s husband is a crossdresser. Peggy provides insight, comfort and support for any woman who finds out that her beloved is a crosdresser.
Hugs
My Purpose
I received my membership renewal forms for Tri-Ess yesterday. I thought I would share the comments I wrote, as I declined to renew.
After much soul searching, pain and gnashing of teeth I have realized that crossdressing was ’something I did’, not ‘who I was’. Through God’s grace I’m being healed each day, and led deeper into my true purpose in this life.
I thank Tri-Ess for their support as I found my true purpose. Even though I believe differently for my life, the grace and hope you extend to thousands of others is a priceless treasure.
My challenge to you is this - what is your true purpose in life?
Is crossdressing helping you to fulfill this purpose?
If the answer ‘yes’ to the second question comes from deep within your soul, I wish you all the best on your journey through life.
If you can’t answer ‘yes’ to the second question, I urge you to spend time finding your true purpose, and invest all your passion and energy into that. If crossdressing was not part of it, you’ll find it’s grip on you fading with time.
Please take some time to look at some of the resources I’ve linked to. They will be helpful for you, no matter where your true purpose lies.
God Bless
What does a cure look like?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and thought that it bears some clarification.
When I talk about ‘cure’, I’m not talking about SRS (sex reassignment surgery), which in some circles is regarded as a cure – you become who you were meant to be. This presupposes that who you were meant to be is someone of the opposite sex. There are many crossdressers who are happy dressing part time, and for whom SRS would ruin their lives. I also don’t mean ‘never thinks about crossdressing again’, as this is a fairly high bar for a cure, and is surely as inane as asking a dieter to never eat another donut again.
The dictionary defines cure as: ‘a means of healing or restoring to health’
I’d love your comments on this, but as a start, let’s use this as a working definition for cure:
Removing the continuous compulsion to dress in clothes of the opposite sex, and thus the act of dressing that typically follows.
Search for a cure
I asked about the cure on alt.support.crossdressing a few weeks back, and got a wonderful, insightful post from a crossdresser named Wanjoy (don’t you just love her name!), I’ve included some of her post here for you to see.
For me a few things are evident:
- Ask God who you are meant to be, don’t try and let other people answer that for Him. After all, there’s plenty of people on both sides of the debate with vehement opinions who will claim ‘your best interests’ are motivating them
- Crossdressing should not define who you are, and the contribution you make to your family and society.
- Crossdressing should not be used as an excuse for an immoral activities (cheating on your wife, etc.)
Wanjoy’s post is below
Hugs
Vanessa
Hi Vanessa,
Is there a cure for crossdressing? Let me tell you most assuredly that the answer to your question is an emphatic YES! Yes and no. You see a lot of the answer depends on why you are asking the question. Are you directly ashamed of crossdressing? Are you fearful that those people who are important in your life will be ashamed of your crossdressing? Are you a “woman trapped in a man’s body?” Or does crossdressing just not fit with the rest of who you are? The answer is so dependent upon you (or the person that you are thinking about) that no one here can tell you the answer definitavely without knowing you intimately.
Do people quit? Yes, they do. Do people quit and return? Yes, they do. Do people quit for the rest of their lives? Yes, they do? Do people quit and return to get SRS? Yes, they do. Do people quit and become advocates of the quitting movement? Yes, they do. Do people who crossdress, lead otherwise “normal” lives? Yes, they do. Do people who crossdress engage in ordinary relationships with wives and children? Yes, they do. Do people who crossdress seek acceptance from others, including, gays, lesbians, wives, children, parents, friends, coworkers, neighbors, transsexuals, and others who identify with a particular group? Yes, they do. Do people who crossdress accept others who may be gay, lesbians, wives, children, parents, friends, coworkers, neighbors, transsexuals, and others who identify with a particular group? Yes, they do.
Am I talking about every crossdresser in every one of the situations they may encounter? No, I am not. Is every single one of us different? Yes, we are.
Let me tell you, my own crossdressing experience is that I like to crossdress. I like makeup, stockings, highheels, wigs, bras, dresses and no underwear. I like shaking my booty in the clubs and being treated like a girl, asked to dance, people wanting to talk to me. But I ain’t gay. So it don’t work all the way I would like it all the time. I’m married which is three things.
First, I don’t take off my wedding ring just because I put on a wig and a dress. So I pass until … I have no intention of cheating on my wife. I wear my wedding ring on purpose. If you are a guy, you ain’t got any excuse to think that I am available. If you are a woman, you ain’t got any reason to think that I am available. It took a long time to get my wife to trust me to get in an environment in a transgender accepting club to understand that I was only interested in innocent fun. I ain’t going to blow that by letting some one night stander… But I like to shake my booty and wear dresses out of the house. My wife will even go with me sometimes.
Second, I don’t mind gay people being gay, but I can’t stand the idea of a man touching me. I confided in my gay cousin. He took me places. I thought all my life (from the time I started crossdressing) that I was gay until I went to a few gay clubs. What I discovered is that even though I liked to wear dresses, I didn’t like men, sexually. I could talk, I could dance, but as soon as they touched me, I flipped out. When I first went out, I was worried about my safety, but I found out I had to worry about the safety of any man who would push up on me. (I almost went to jail, but my cousin did a lot of talking.) I had to throttle back my rage at the overt physical sexual contact that many men just assume is invited. I don’t care if I was a draggirl in a gay bar, I still don’t have to have sex with you.
Let me get on point: Straight crossdressing men who go out to clubs are very likely to find that gay men present the greatest threat to them physically. They just don’t accept that we are not interested in being in drag without being with them.
Third (mistake), lesbians … we (crossdressers) ain’t lesbians. Thought I could hang with them, and lesbians are fun to hang with (as are gay men who will accept you as being a different kind of sexuality). The problem is a straight crossdresser is still straight. Lesbians are as uninterested in us sexually as we are in gay men. The lesbians I used to hang with got tired of me trying to get with them. (What the hell was I thinking?) Just because you wear the same clothing as a lesbian, that doesn’t make you a lesbian. You are still a male and your passport can be revoked at any time.
All that said, the point is that if you are uncomfortable in who you are, you should seek help. Some find help with a professional, some find help from friends, some find help from churches and religous organizations., some find help from glbt organizations. Each organiztion has its own agenda that they might try to impose on you. Ask here if you can be cured? Hell no. Ask at Christnet.org, you were never meant to be a crossdresser in the first place. Ask a phsycologist and, whatever they were meant to be, you were meant to be. The answer is within you. What do you want to do? Why? I will say this one thing in favor of asking God (not Christnet.org). He made you, he knows why you are asking the question, he knows the answer to the question. (by the way: All people are male, a little over half the males also enjoy being female. That is to poke the eyes of the people who say “why is he saying he?”)
Oh, and by the way, monogamy is being faithful in reality. Let me explain why I bring up the manogamy thing. Some people think that because they are “this way” the physical needs must be met by someone other than there wives. That is a lie and you need to know that if you have a wife, you have a person who can meet and exceed every physical sexual need you have in your life. Cheating is a fools way out. Telling your wife may be hard and getting her to accept it even harder, but if you want to be set free, if you want to be fulfilled, that is the way to go.
Once your wife is confident that all of your sexual energy is confined to the relationship between the two of you, I’ll tell you what the Bible says: “let the marriage bed be undefiled.” I’ll tell you (cause this ain’t taught to well in the church) you got a free pass for you and your wife to do whatever you mutually enjoy. The trouble with most crossdressers is we like to employ the same strategy of Dick Cheney, shock and awe, when we tell our wives. The trouble is we expect our wives to say aw, and they usually say aw shi … how do you spell shiite?
Listen, honestly, there are people I would never tell I crossdress on a frequent basis. People who have seen me dressed, still don’t know I do it often. But my wife knows every time. People who do know don’t see me often crossdressed and my family, beyond my wife, well actually they know, but I don’t go around them crossdressed, often. But I went through a long process to get to the point where I didn’t care, no wait, I still do care, just not that much. (by the way, if you don’t know how much I’m laughing while I type this, you really are taking me way to seriously. I mean, I am telling you the truth, but it just ain’t that deep. Its just cloth for crying out loud. Look at my signature closing “Who made up the fashion rules anyhow?)
Now see, if you are struggling trying to figure out if you are something more than a crossdresser, all I can say is that for me, it was very clear the moment I allowed a situation to go further than simple crossdressing. If you are a wife, seeking to cure your husband, unless he is unfaithful, does he really need a cure? Learn to be open, that is what the Bible meant when it said the man and his wife were naked and were not ashamed. We’re not talking nudity, we’re talking opneness. I’m tired of typing.
The incurable disease
Surely with all our scientific research we’ve stumbled upon a cure for cross dressing? If only to save all you wonderful genetic girls from stretched clothes and missing lingerie.
There’s plenty of sites out there that will boldy claim that crossdressing is incurable. Starting with the prelude that crossdressing isn’t a disease (hence needing no cure). We could get into endless debate about whether it’s a disease or not, so setting that question aside, is crossdressing curable?
Over the next few weeks I’ll see to answer that question (at least reserach it and present some points of view).
For my own part, I’ve been crossdressing ever since I was four years old. There have been periods when I’ve dressed, and periods when I haven’t. There have even been months, almost years when I haven’t thought about slipping on a satin evening gown, or strapping on a pair of high heels. Then like a snake in the night it’s back - and I find myself daydreaming about being transformed into a beautiful princess.
For the last few year’s I’ve believed the common wisdom that there is no cure for crossdressing. In fact, have even come to accept who I am (and dare I say enjoy being who I am!). I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever given a focused, dedicated, and constantly renewed effort to ‘beat this thing’.
Sure, I’ve purged (who hasn’t!), in fact I can count three times where I’ve thrown away clothes I’d love to see still hanging in my closet. Usually the result of guilt, building up over a few months. One purge was a result of my noble intentions to truly do something better with my life. After all, spending hours learning how to put on make-up, and shopping for the perfect top aren’t exactly “productive” time.
Is there really a cure out there?
Hello
Hello!
This is my first blog post, hopefully the first of many to come. As you may have guessed by the title of the blog, I’m a crossdresser 
Over the next few weeks I’ll be adding links, resources and other tips for crossdressers and their friends and families.
Of course, I’d like to hear from you as well. Please send your comments, questions and any other thoughts you may have.
