Archives: March 2008

The joys of a hair salon

This Friday I enjoyed one of the most fabulous activities that woman have claimed as their own for so long – getting my hair done. I spent two hours in the salon while my hair dresser did her best to make me look pretty and we talked about everything from hair to family to fashion. When I finally left I felt a warm glow inside that came from more than being pampered for the afternoon – it was the joy of sharing life with someone else, even if just for a moment.

I feel as if the salon is a sanctuary, where the cares of the world are left behind, and the hard, unapproachable barriers we erect to keep us safe from the outside world, are melted down. It felt so natural to share my feelings, my life, my thoughts with those around me, and then listen as they shared theirs.

As men we are taught that sharing who you are is a sign of weakness. That burdens and heart aches must be carried alone. That our individual suffering makes us stronger.

I have come to realize that burdens are lighter when shared, that friendship is strength and weakness is not knowing when to ask for help. And for just a brief while I enjoyed being part of a woman’s world – the inner sanctum of relaxation and sharing.

By this, shall all men know that you are my disciples

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” – John 13:34-35

Just recently anti-LGBT activists in Montgomery County, MD filed a petition to overturn an anti-discrimination law that prohibits discrimination based on gender identity and expression. In particular it prohibits discrimination in housing, employment, public accommodation, cable television service and taxicab service on the basis of gender identity.

Equality Maryland is fighting against this hateful attempt by religious conservatives to deny people their basic human dignity, and they need your help. This group, called the ‘citizens for a responsible government’, comments on the anti-discrimination as follows on their website:

“Our opponents will claim that this is “just an anti-discrimination” bill which protects transgender people. Actually we have no problem with an anti-discrimination bill for transgenders. However, as our Montgomery County Bill 23-07 stands now, it discriminates against the 500,000 women and children in Montgomery County by asking them to sacrifice their privacy rights. Women and children should be able to expect that they ONLY people sharing their bathrooms and locker-rooms also share the same biological sex. Most of the other gender identity bills which have been passed across the US have recognized this issue and addressed it. Our county council did not.”

The fact is, that the issue of public bathrooms has already been resolved by a federal court:

The issue of access to public bathrooms has now been resolved by the federal courts. In the landmark case Cruzan v. Davis, a ruling was made in June 2002 by a federal appeals court in Minnesota that an employer is within its rights to instruct a transgendered employee to use the restroom matching their new presentation. The ruling states that if another employee complains, the company may offer the complaining employee an accommodation (such as the use of a different restroom for the complaining employee.)

To the concern that men would try and pass themselves off as transgendered to ‘hang out in woman’s bathrooms’, there is both very little evidence for this, or that incidents of harassment would increase.

“My answer is that, after a decade of work in this field, I have never heard of a situation where a person used a false claim of gender identity for that purpose. I have certainly heard of a few cases where a man dressed as a woman in order to commit a crime and escape detection (though of course, having heard of the cases, the attempts were obviously not successful). I have also heard about men committing crimes in women’s bathrooms. But these cases all involved an attempt to escape notice, not to call attention to false claims about gender identity. More significantly, those cases were not spurred by the passage of a gender identity non-discrimination law. Now what if, you think, what if some crafty male, spurred by this new law, were to come up with a lascivious plan to lurk in the women’s restroom and then, when confronted by the police about his harassing behavior, claim that he was entitled to commit harassment because of his gender identity? The answer is that harassing behavior is not permitted regardless of one’s gender. If I am standing in the women’s restroom and the woman next to me puts her hand on my thigh, that’s harassment, and it doesn’t matter if she claims gender identity issues or not.” – Jillian Weiss, Associate Professor of Law and Public Policy at Ramapo College of New Jersey

Why do men cross dress?

Girl friends and wives want to know.

Why do men cross dress?

Why does my husband cross dress?

How can I make him stop cross dressing?

The unfortunate truth, is that there is no simple, one line answer to these questions. If there were, you probably wouldn’t be reading this article, and the debates on this topic would be silent.

In my personal experience, the fascination with woman’s clothes started when I was very young. I must have been about four years old, and I remember going to great lengths to procure and then wear my mom’s nightie. My most vivid memory is as a teenager, nervously buying a pair of pantyhose from a local supermarket and then wearing them home under my pants.

I felt (and still feel) a need to wear woman’s clothes, and I can’t quite explain where it comes from. The media like to think of cross dressing as a sexual perversion, and so naturally they see the desire to cross dress and purely for sexual gratification. The problem with this theory is that when I (and many others) first felt the desire to cross dress I didn’t know what sex was.

Many cross dressers I’ve asked describe the need as ‘feeling more comfortable wearing woman’s clothes’. This is sometimes (but not always) coupled with the desire to be seen as a woman. To not just dress like a woman, but behave like one as well, to wear make-up and otherwise pass as a woman. There are others who cross dress for sexual excitement. The need to cross dress is indeed a spectrum.

That still doesn’t answer the question why do men cross dress?

Marcy proposes a few interesting answers to this questions.

One argument is that transvestism of cross-dressing is a way of offering a challenge to society’s preconceptions about gender. Some men cross-dress because they are unhappy at being men. Others didn’t mind the male state, but also like to put on women’s clothes occasionally. Some men cross-dress simply to make a passing social or fashion statement, and some because they have emotional needs that can only be met by the comfort that wearing women’s clothes gives them.

Yet the true reason why men cross dress remains somewhat of a mystery. It is intensely personal, often confusing and sometimes guilt ridden. I’m hopeful that as society grows more tolerant of diverse gender expression we will see more cross dressers and transgendered stepping forward to share their stories. Without the need to justify their behavior, and no longer shamed by society perhaps we will be better able to answer this baffling question.

Comment and let me know, I would love to hear- why do you cross dress?

Transgender Hope

It is darkest before the the dawn. Yesterday, what started out as an assault by two men on two transgendered woman, turned into a mob beating of them and their friend who had come to their aid.

Normally the story ends there. Police investigate another case of ‘living while transgendered’, and eventually move on. But on this day good men and woman stood up against the darkness. In silent vigil, 300 members of this community came out to show support with the transgender community.

Braving the ridicule of the community, they stood up for what is right. Believing in the dignity of all human beings. This gives me hope. Hope that even through intolerance and hate, love will shine like a beacon through the black pitch of night.

The author of this prose would be proud, at those who spoke up yesterday against injustice.

They came first for the Communists,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew.
Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Thank You!

Thank you all for your supportive and encouraging comments. My heart is overflowing with warmth now. I realize the wonderful thing about cross dressing is that it brings the most wonderful, caring people into my life. Lisa Ann, Alicia, Lynn, April and Polly you have brought a smile to my face!

It seemed as if many of you feel the desire to be ‘femme’ – to dress and act like a woman, but still loving your male body. Lynn’s comment struck me – that she doesn’t feel split, but rather a whole, integrated person who sometimes dresses like a woman, and other times like a guy.

It seems so true that it is all about accepting yourself for who you are. There are no rules as to ‘how’ you should be transgender. Perhaps, for me, it is the ‘type A’ part of my personality that wants to do everything as well as I can. When I feel like dressing as a woman, well, I have to do it ‘all the way’.

Many times when I’m in ‘male mode’ (as it were), I find myself thinking and acting as a woman. For me, this feels comfortable and right.  Yet it does make me wonder what it would feel like to be a woman every day.

Again, thank you all for your kind words. I have been giving them a lot of thought these past few days.

Hugs,

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