Crossdresser Heaven

Crossdressers - Is Tri-ESS Wrong?

I recently read Amy Bloom’s book Normal, as well as Helen Boyd’s book My Husband Betty. (find my crossdressing book reviews here). Apart from all the other great information in these books, one theme was quite evident. A general disdain for the policies and principles of Tri-ESS.

Do all transgendered know about Tri-ESS?

For those of you who don’t know, Tri-ESS describes themselves on their website as:

“An educational, social and support group for heterosexual crossdressers, their partners, the spouses of married crossdressers and their families. We believe that we are blessed with an additional facet to our personalities. If we accept our crossgendered side, and explore it, we will find a broadening of the entire personality, which can be very fulfilling. We dress in emulation, rather than in mockery, of femininity.”

The Tri-Ess philosophy can be expressed in the acronym FIBER:

F - Full personality expression in both its masculine and its feminine aspects. We do not wish to destroy our masculinity, but to soften its harsher aspects, and be all we can be.

I - Integration of masculinity and femininity to create a happier whole person.

B - Balance between masculinity and femininity.

E - Education or crossdressers and their families toward self-acceptance; education of society toward accepting crossdressing people.

R - Relationship-building in the context of crossdressing.

So what’s the problem with Tri-ESS?

Helen seems taken aback by the exclusivity and intolerance of Tri-ESS. Pointing in particular to their narrow charter of catering to heterosexual crossdressers. Tri-ESS excludes homosexuals and bisexuals. They also discourage participation by others in the transgendered community, in particular transsexuals, who aren’t granted full membership rights.

I think more than the exclusivity, Helen sees the principles of Tri-ESS as containing half-truths. In particular the vehement denial that cross-dressing has a sexual component. As you’ve seen me share in recent posts on why men crossdress, and the feedback you provided in the follow up to why men cross-dress, cross-dressing cannot be described as a “non-sexual” interest for many men. Helen draws interesting conclusions about why Tri-ESS shys away from the sexual nature of cross-dressing. It could be the desire for crossdressing men to be perceived as otherwise normal, and that the taboo of a sexual fetish is abhorrent to your typical “Christian, Republican family man who happens to wear dresses on the weekend”.

I find the notion of a conservative cross-dresser somewhat amusing though - if anything my transgendered nature has forced me to become more tolerant and accepting of the differences in others.

Many of these thoughts are echo’d by Amy in her book Normal.

Tri-ESS has helped thousands of cross-dressers

For all it’s failings, Tri-ESS has helped tens of thousands of cross dressers find peace and acceptance. It has given men a framework for talking about their transgendered nature with their wives and wives to be and shone a light of understanding where before there was only the darkness of prejudice.

While I am no longer a member of Tri-ESS, it has helped me immensely in my self esteem, self discovery and relationship with my wife. The people I’ve met at Tri-ESS have been among the most loving, caring and supportive. As an anecdote, one of the founders of our local chapter drove 200 miles to meet with me over lunch to discuss cross-dressing and introduce me to Tri-ESS. This is in sharp contrast to my pastor at that time, who told me “crossdressing is a sin”, pointed me at this web page, told me he “loved me” and then never contacted me again. I still occasionally hear from my sisters in Tri-ESS, yet when I ran into my former pastor a few months ago he didn’t even know who I was.

Tri-ESS gave me the tools and information to communicate with my wife. The advice to tell my wife before we got married is a blessing I am eternally thankful for. While the environment is very narrowly focused, I am sure my wife would have felt a great deal of discomfort attending meetings where sex reassignment surgery was openly discussed as an option. By limiting the meetings to deal with “one social taboo” at a time,Tri-ESS prevented my wife from being totally and completely overwhelmed. (She was still overwhelmed - as any spouse would be - just not totally and completely )

Transgendered or Cross-dresser?

Personally I don’t think I fit into the narrow category defined by Tri-ESS. I think I’m more to the middle of the transgender spectrum. I am very grateful to them. Anyone who is lonely, uncertain and tormented by their crossdressing -  I strongly encourage you to join Tri-ESS. You’ll find acceptance, love and support. If you find there’s more for you than just wearing a dress or makeup, find other transgendered sisters to share your experience with as well.

Makeup mistakes crossdressers can’t afford to make

Take heart fellow crossdressers - genetic girls make mistakes with makeup as well! Sally did a good job listing the 12 makeup mistakes to avoid, and if you read nothing else in this article you should take heed of these words from Jessica Liebeskind, a New York City makeup artist:

“Makeup is a wonderful tool to enhance your look, but used correctly, it should never look fake or like you’re wearing a mask.”

I’ll take a gander through some of the mistakes, and share my thoughts on how these makeup mistakes apply to the crossdressers among us as well.

Wearing too much (or too little) makeup

I don’t know about you girls, but I’ve never been accused of wearing too little makeup I think a major problem crossdressers face is wanting to hide their face behind a mask of makeup. Whether it’s stubble to be covered over, or just an over exuberance with the newly discovered paint jars we need to be careful to tone down our makeup. Remember, you with makeup should be you, only better.

Using the wrong color foundation

I think we’d all like to get this one right. For crossdressers though it can be tough to walk up to a makeup counter and start trying different shades. If you’re nervous of doing this at the makeup counter in a department store try asking your hair stylist. Often hair dressers are trained in cosmetics as well and can help you select the right shade. You might also feel more comfortable going to a beauty school to be color matched, where the atmosphere is decidedly more liberal.

If you’re still weary of these, try buying three shades of foundation, one the color you think matches, and a darker and lighter shade. See which matches best at home but keep the others. Your skin will get lighter during the sunless winter months, and sport a golden bronze tan during summer so you can put those other shades to good use.

Crossdressers not caring for their skin

I can’t say enough about this - Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize! I’ve seen many girls who would pass tremendously well if only they had dipped into the moisturizers more liberally when they were younger. Your face is the first thing most people will see, so treat it with care and love. What about the crossdressers who haven’t taken care of their skin? There is still hope - there are many innovative new facial treatments from dermabrasion to laser resurfacing that will roll back the years. As with any procedure you need to carefully evaluate the risks and speak with a qualified dermatologist.

Crossdresser Party last night and the makeup is still on?

Yikes! Don’t go to bed with your makeup on! Your average crossdresser probably never got good advice from your mother to remove your makeup before going to bed. Now you have no excuse - just do it hon.

Sally has a few more tips to share - good luck, and look fabulous!

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P.S. Still flummoxed by makeup technique? Discover the makeup secrets of Hollywood stars and go from drab to fab

Best Cross-dressing book: My Husband Betty

Last week I finished reading My Husband Betty, a book by Helen Boyd about Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser. I can honestly say that this is the best book I’ve read about the cross-dressing experience. Helen compassionately shares her struggles living with a crossdresser, exposes the hidden truths about cross-dressing that Tri-ESS doesn’t want you to know and shares the real experiences of other woman who live with crossdressers.

My Husband Betty Book

As mentioned in a previous article for women married to a cross-dresser, I still think Peggy Rudd’s book My Husband Wears My Clothes is a valuable resource. Peggy’s book is an excellent guide to cross-dressing 101. Helen’s book is more akin to Transgender 202.

The things I especially appreciated about Helen’s book are her frank and open discussions about cross-dressing and sexuality. This is a topic generally avoided by Tri-ESS, and other books about that discuss cross-dressing purely as a the expression of inner femininity.

I enjoyed Helen’s overview of all members of the transgender community, and discussing the difference between transsexual and transgender. Helen has a keen appreciation for where crossdressers fit into the larger transgender community, as well as some of the conflict that occurs between crossdressers and the same community.

Helen is also not shy to share the “darker side of crossdressing”, very vividly portrayed through the stories of wives and ex-wives of crossdressers. In some sense, the book could be titled “What your husband won’t tell you about crossdressing, but probably should.”

The Crossdressed Husband

My Husband Betty is valuable for the wife of a crossdresser, but I think the crossdressed husband has a duty to read this. An area that we often lack as crossdressers is empathy for our significant other. Resources that help us accept ourselves and share our transgendered nature with others are valuable, but often they don’t prepare us fully for the struggle our loved ones will have.

A highly recommended read - but be warned, My Husband Betty could shatter some of your preconceptions about crossdressers.

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P.S. Have you ever wanted to be a better woman? Learn how to cross dress and pass as a woman

Linking to Crossdresser Heaven

Dear readers, over the last few months I’ve been blessed by your support, your comments and your suggestions. I’ve been especially uplifted by the special ladies I’ve been able to touch, who have sent me private notes about how I’ve been able to help them in some small way with their gender identity struggles.

If you’ve found the articles and resources I’ve posted to be valuable, the finest compliment I can receive is if you share Crossdresser Heaven with others. If you have a web site, a facebook or myspace profile, or even in email I’d deeply appreciate it if you could link to Cross Dresser Heaven.

If your website requires html, the html code to link is below. Otherwise you can link to http://www.crossdresserheaven.com

HTML for linking to Cross Dresser Heaven

<a href=”http://www.crossdresserheaven.com”>Cross Dresser Heaven</a>

Thanks again - it brings me joy to know that my words can lessen another’s burden.

Okay - back to our regularly scheduled programming…

Crossdressers need to be seen to be accepted

A few weeks ago I wrote about what it would be like if crossdressing was normal. The sad truth, is that we aren’t doing what is necessary for crossdressing to become accepted in society. We are relying on the transsexual community to advocate for us. We are relying on the LGB community to include the transgendered in their activism and fight for equality. In short we are content to remain in the shadows until our battle has been won by someone else.

When crossdressers hide in the shadows we weaken our cause

When we nervously buy our clothes and makeup over the Internet we rob the world of a chance to know us. When we dress in private without telling, noone can see our beauty. When we keep to ourselves out of shame and guilt we give others a reason to believe we should feel shame and guilt.

Crossdressing through the three stages of acceptance

A few days ago my wife and I were talking about the three stages of acceptance in society:

• First you believe you are worthy of discrimination
• Second you believe you are worthy and no longer accept discrimination
• Finally you are worthy. The idea that you could be discriminated against seems ludicrous

Society takes many generations to move through these stages. Even with all the great work done by the feminist movement last century, woman haven’t achieved the final stage. The Democratic primary highlighted that sexism is still alive as chauvinistic pigs held up signs at Hillary Clinton rallies proclaiming “Iron my clothes”.

For a second, imagine a different world. Imagine a world where the idea that our daughters could be discriminated against seems strange. An anecdote from history, about as applicable to today’s times as the Latin language. Imagine a world where white and black alike are not just judged by the content of their character, but to think someone would do otherwise evokes laughter.

Woman, people of color and our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters have moved into the second stage. Unfortunately most crossdressers are still in the first stage. Too afraid of what they’ll lose to move on.

I understand (intimately) the guilt and shame that go along with crossdressing. I understand the fear of telling a loved one. I understand. I was there, sometimes I still am.

Be the change you want to see in the world

The distance between accepting ourselves and being accepted is generations. Perhaps even centuries. It has been said that we create the reality around us. That our expectations of what will happen are often fulfilled. Like attracts like.

If you believe in a world where we are worthy - be worthy. Today. Nothing will so powerfully reverberate through the universe as your proclamation:

I am who I am. Worthy of love and respect. I accept myself, and others accept me because I accept myself.

Crossdressers and Transsexuals are NORMAL

What is normal? We’d like to see normal as the sweet simple way that we’re taught through stories. That normal is a husband and wife who love each other, have two and a half children, a golden retriever and volunteer at the church on weekends. In fact our definition of normal doesn’t even begin to encompass the wonders of who we are as human beings. In trying to be “normal” we strive for bland sameness, hiding the uniqueness of who we are.

In Amy Bloom’s book entitled “Normal“, she explores the world of transsexuals, crossdressers and the intersexed. It is a must read for any crossdresser who wants to understand the world of the transgendered beyond the strict definitions imposed by Tri-ESS.

I was intrigued by the story of Lyle, a teenage transgender who started hormone treatment at the age of 14. With the blessing of his mother and father who sought doctor after doctor to understand what was causing Lyle to be so unhappy. Amy expresses support for hormone treatment for transgendered teenagers.

Amy does a good job expressing the differences between sexual orientation and gender identity. Though I found her treatment of “heterosexual crossdressers” overly harsh. Perhaps it is an expression of resentment I haven’t encountered, or perhaps it shows Amy’s bias against Tri-ESS, who have largely coopted a definition of crossdresser akin to the “normal heterosexual family man who goes to church, votes Republican and just happens to wear a dress for fun”.

“Heterosexual crossdresser bother almost everyone. Gay people regard them with disdain or affectionate incomprehension, something warmer than tolerance, but not much. Transsexuals regard them as men “settling” for crossdressing because they don’t have the courage to act on their transsexual longing, or else as closeted gay men so homophobic that they prefer wearing a dress to facing their desire for another man. Other straight men tend to find them funny or sad, and some find them enraging.”

Amy does a good job sharing the concerns of girlfriends and wives of crossdressers, and either accurately or callously observes how wives tolerate crossdressing even as the men get a childish thrill out of it.

I’ll share a few interesting nuggets from the book, though this article will hardly do it justice.

The ratio of men seeking to become woman and woman seeking to become men is almost the same - very different from previous statistics that suggest four men seek to become women for every woman who wants to become a man.

There are estimated to be about five thousand post operative transsexuals in the United States, though no formal statistics are kept.

I especially appreciated this quote, by a female to male transsexual. I think he expressed well the fears of transition, and a way to overcome them. “The transition was hard, but once I was completely male, people relaxed.”

The world of the intersexed was one I had not previously learnt about, and another good reason to read Normal by Amy Bloom.

Crossdresser Vacation - Family and Relaxing

Phew, time flies doesn’t it? It seems like just the other day we were celebrating Christmas and looking forward to family visiting in the summer. Well the sun has come to Seattle, the weather is getting warm, and my family have arrived. I’ll be spending the next month catching up, enjoying their company and getting to take them on a tour of Seattle and the wondrous nature that surrounds us.

I’ll be doing quite a bit less crossdressing, since apart from my wife, my family doesn’t yet know about my transgendered nature. They live out of state, and it’s been easy to put off telling them - perhaps I’ll dedicate a future post to exploring why I haven’t yet told them.

So what does this mean for you, dear reader? Rest assured that I haven’t left you in the lurch, and I’ve prepared a few articles that I’ll post during the month with crossdressing tips, and thoughts about the transgendered community. I’ll probably be spending more time in the mountains, and less time in front of the computer so my responses to your comments and emails may be a bit slower than usual. Rest assured I’ll look forward to reading them when I get back!

Have a fabulous and safe summer - don’t forget to look gorgeous!