Crossdresser Heaven

Fashion, makeup and body movement tips for crossdressers who want to look and feel more feminine

Archives: May 2010

So What Is It You Do Here?

Published on: May 30, 2010

I was fortunate enough to meet many wonderful ladies at Esprit this year, and perhaps by coincidence found that a good number of the transgendered woman I met were in the engineering field. This sparked a conversation that could only be of interest to engineers and statisticians about the distribution of transgender woman, whether the engineering field had a higher proportion of transgender woman, or perhaps the engineers we meet are self selected because engineering fields tend to be more tolerant.

This is where you come in, dear reader. I’d love to learn more about what you do for a living – perhaps there is a typical crossdresser occupation or perhaps (as I expect) the transgendered travel through all walks of life. Nonetheless it will be interesting to hear what the community on Crossdresser Heaven have to say about it all.

The only promise I can make is that this poll will reveal an “Internet Truth” – which is a piece of information believed to be true because it is published and shared by others on the Internet. The weight of the “Internet Truth’s” broad distribution compensates for any lack of substantiating evidence or flaws in scientific method.

Crossdressers, What Is Your Occupation?

[poll id="30"]

All Good Things…

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Vanessa's Transgender Experience

Tags: esprit 2010

Comments: 9 Comments

Published on: May 24, 2010

Dusk comes to another day. The last glimmer of light fades to a deep purple as the sun rests behind the mountains. The warm afternoon is transformed into a restless cool evening that longs for the dawn. Such was the sentiment as I traveled the long journey from Esprit. A journey whose end promised the leave of my true soul, the donning of my masculine mask once more.

Yet it is with a soulful peace that I return. A calmness in my spirit birthed by friends and sustained by a clear life purpose. A purpose that will undoubtedly bring both grief and triumph.

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself….

This is how Esprit Started For Me

It was Monday evening, and a lonely transgender woman lay in her hotel room crying. She had come 100 miles to a strange city where she knew noone. Her confidence in her femininity matched only by the shyness inside. As the day’s scheduled events drew to a close she realized that once again she was alone. Barely through her tears she laments:

You have not known loneliness until the solitary wrenches your soul among a crowd.
You have not known loneliness until you are invisible even amongst those like you.
You have not known loneliness until you can feel the icy stake between your breast bones
And the unquenchable pain seeping from your core.

That girl was me. It was only on the words of comfort from those miles away, and the loud condemnation from those outside my window that I lay down to fitful sleep that night. An acquaintance who would become a friend told me of the ‘magic of Esprit’. But I didn’t believe her.

It’s always darkest…

Somehow I awoke the next day less mournful. Perhaps I had realized that it couldn’t get much worse. This is the part of the story where you expect to be surprised with, ‘But I was wrong’. I’ll have to disappoint you this time – the rest of the week was beautiful and wonderful. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say ‘magical’, I want to share two magical moments I had with you. In telling this I’m reminded of the forlornly hopeful words of a song:

You don’t know how tall you stand until you fall,
That’s what valleys are for.

Once Magical

Nearly every hour of every day for the last few years I’ve been haunted by a transgendered specter. My true self that won’t release her vice grip on my mind. The fanciful daydreams are frustrated time and again by the cold reality. On Tuesday – for the first time in as long as I can remember – I forgot that I was transgendered. I was just me. Me – talking, laughing, sharing. The weight of my dysphoria was lifted. I wasn’t conscious of it at the time, yet felt the full effect of it’s relief on reflection. That was magical for me.

Twice Blessed

Being a shy girl by nature I was horrified at the suggestion that I enter Esprit’s annual ‘Fashion Show’. It not only involved two trips down the runway, but venturing into town to find the suitable evening wear for the formal event – which the local stores were happy to loan us. Body image issues – meet Vanessa. Vanessa – meet body image issues. No, that dress doesn’t fit – when was the last time you did yoga?

Anyway, enough of my mental conversation – after much persuading I was convinced to enter the fashion show. Nerve wracking and fervent busy-ness instilled a sense of accomplishment and comradery in the girls, but it wasn’t until after the show that I had my magical moment. After all the hard work I changed back into my regular clothes – a simple dress and heels, and was on my way down to have lunch with the girls. In that moment I felt like a woman who had finished work, on the way to spent time with her colleagues. I was Vanessa more truly than I’ve been before. It was magical!

A Joy Shared…

I’m so grateful for all the wonderful friends I made at Esprit. A joy shared is truly a joy multiplied. I’ll run the risk of naming a few of the wonderful ladies I met, always knowing that I’ll inevitably miss someone – and for that I apologize in advance. Even stars can sometimes be forgotten (sorry Farrah).

Firstly to Robin – I’m blessed to call you a friend – caring, interesting and conversation worthy of creating magical moments . Kathryn – you’re a sweetie! I found it comfortable and easy to be myself with you – and have the distinct honor of being the only girl to see my room [In case others are wondering, we ate pizza and chatted...]. Chelsea and Ruby – your beautiful spirit brought me peace, I treasure meeting you. Meghan and Reegan – I’m humbled to have made a small difference in your Esprit, knowing you made a big difference in mine. Elly and Cheryl, Violette, Brenda, Jamie (for helping convince me to join the fashion show) Carma and all the other ladies I missed – thank you!

To all the readers of Crossdresser Heaven I met at Esprit – it was an absolute pleasure! Anne (love you dear!), Monica, Joanne, Terri, Kara and Robin I’m honored to have met you in person.

So now we end at the beginning – the path to my womanhood has never been clearer, nor the road so smoothly paved. Thank you to Esprit and all my new friends for making this possible.

P.S.
Robin has told me she’ll get upset with me if I didn’t mention that I won the ‘Harriet Stites’ award, which is awarded to the ‘most inspirational’ first time attendee at Esprit as voted by other first time attendees. Now I’ve mentioned it, and blushing I complete this post

My First Esprit

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Vanessa's Transgender Experience

Tags: esprit

Comments: 8 Comments

Published on: May 16, 2010

My transgender journey so far has been a slow path to self acceptance. Every now and then something along my path acts as a catalyst that helps me more quickly and more fully become who I am. I know from speaking with many of you that the first time you plucked up the courage to wear woman’s clothes was a momentous occasion. For me it was no less, and that moment almost 27 years ago sticks out in my mind.

Through the years this has been followed by purges and denial, buying my own clothes, and dressing fully as a woman at home for the first time. Each time I broke through my previous limitations I felt a feeling of freedom, peace in my soul and I could hear the person I truly am sing louder.

I’ve shared with you my first time crossdressing at a Tri-Ess meeting. . This was followed by my first time out in public outside the meeting room, to my first time out in the “non-alternative lifestyle” public. All stories I still need to share with you lovely ladies.

Telling someone else for the first time, telling my wife and – just recently – telling my mom. I’m still working through the emotions of that last one, and am not ready to share all the details just yet. Telling my closest friends, and going about regular every day activities as a woman.

Beginning therapy – first for the mind, then to make my body reflect my soul – has been a long time in the making , a giant leap towards self acceptance. This coming week I will attend my first transgender conference, Esprit.

I know that many ladies attend a transgender conference early in their journey – you can probably comment better than I how this helped shape your path through gender identity. For many the first conference is a time of extreme nervousness , it’s the first time you can spend many days in a row as a woman, for some the first time out to a non-transgender public. You ladies are braver than I was back then.

As I think about Esprit I’m filled with a spirit of anticipation and excitement. I’m eager to learn about the next steps on my journey, and meet people who can help me along the way. I’m looking forward to all the new friend’s I’ll make – I also can’t wait to meet woman I’ve been in contact with over email for a few weeks now.

By the time you read this it will probably be Sunday evening. I’ll be registered for the conference, checked into my room and experiencing the sights and sounds of Esprit. If I can get an Internet connection I’ll try to share some of the fun with you dear ladies. If you’re going to the event drop me an email to let me know (thanks Robin!) so we can meetup.

Speak to you soon!
Vanessa

Is Staring Really A Compliment?

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Learn How To Crossdress

Tags: stare at crossdresser

Comments: 10 Comments

Published on: May 15, 2010

Today I had a few errands to run. I had to drop off the car at the mechanic, deposit a few checks in the bank and do a bit of shopping (My lovely wife rang the death knell for our water purifier last night). For some reason the mechanic always insists that you get there early, and for me 8am on a weekend is very early. After dropping my car off, I realized that nothing else was open for a good few hours – a perfect excuse to walk down to the local Starbucks and do a bit of writing while sipping a Grande Americano – my poison of choice.

On this lovely Seattle spring day, my wife had helped me choose a cool, comfortable outfit. A long flowing skirt, cami under a light long sleeved top and the open toed sandals I bought two weeks ago. On the walk down to Starbucks I noticed something curious – as they drove past men were staring at me. And not just me – I noticed one guy start his gaze with the woman jogger in front of me before smoothly switching and resting his eyes on me. I must admit, I had decidedly mixed emotions about this.

Five looks for a crossdresser

Being Stared At While Crossdressed?

Very clearly there are different kinds of looks that we receive out in public. Over the last few months I’ve been working to decipher the different looks I receive, and I’ve figured out a few distinct reactions others will display to a transgendered girl.

Nothing to See Here – Move Along

This is not strictly a look reserved for crossdressers – we all come across this in our daily lives. It’s the momentary glance you receive as someone navigates around you, or interacts with you as if you were a regular woman going about your day. A good 95% of all your looks will be of this kind. People will treat you like another person, without any particular malice or attachment. It can mean you pass, or that you pass close enough the other person would feel awkward making a scene, or that you don’t pass and they don’t mind.

Point And Stare

By far the most feared look is the ‘point and stare’. This look can be accompanied by a derisive facial expression, or in extreme cases slurs or even violence. This look is mainly shown by men when they figure out that you’re not all woman, and can’t help but let their displeasure show. You’ll know this look when you find someone looking at you in a ‘hard’ way, with an unwavering gaze. They won’t seem the least bit embarrassed when you notice them staring. The best advice I can give is to smile and move on.

Something Strange is Afoot

This is ‘Point and Stare’s’ tamer sister, and is often difficult to distinguish from ‘Checking You Out’. If you notice people looking at you out of the corner of your eyes, or quickly averting their gaze when you look at them you could be dealing with ‘Something Strange is Afoot’. The surest way to tell when you’re receiving this look is when you watch it transform before your eyes from ‘Nothing To See Here’. This can happen when you speak in a not so feminine voice for the first time with someone. You’ll see a moment of confusion before they compose themselves.

Checking You Out

This can be a pleasant experience, since it validates you pass well enough to satisfy a hormone soaked male. Though it can also be a little off putting after a while since you can feel like a piece of meat on display. Depending on your paranoia level you could easily mistake this look for ‘Something Strange if Afoot’.

One sure way to distinguish the two is if you notice the same guy’s attention lingering on another woman a moment later. He’s a serial looker, and you just happened to be on his look list. A corollary to this is if you find his gaze transfixed on a part of your body that’s not your face. He’s a serial looker, and your face is somewhere near the end of his list.

Another way to tell is to watch how other woman react. Woman are usually the first to give you very subtle hints that you’re not fully passing. If other woman aren’t bothered by you in any particular way you can be sure that you haven’t been outed. Trust me – men see what they want to see, and it usually doesn’t extend much beyond the pleasing feminine figure.

Solidarity Sister

This is by far my favorite look, and is reserved exclusively for visual conversation with other woman. It affirms my femininity without making me feel cheap or used. For a moment you catch her eye – you smile and she smiles back. You acknowledge each other’s passage through womanhood with a brief show of support, of recognizing each other’s worth and humanity. Sometimes this is the start of a conversation – a few moments of connection in a world full of strangers.

This look doesn’t mean that you pass – it means that you’ve been accepted into her circle of fellow woman. If she’s recognized you as a man, she’s also acknowledged and accepted your femininity.

What other looks have you received?
Have you found any other ways to decipher them?

Crossdressing At The Speed of Light

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Crossdresser Heaven Information

Tags: crossdressing at the speed of light

Comments: 6 Comments

Published on: May 14, 2010

Dear readers,

I try hard to ensure that articles on Crossdresser Heaven are relevant to the transgender community. As a transgender woman I know how time consuming it can be to switch back and forth between who you are, and who the world perceives you to be. It can leave little time for other endeavors, and the last thing you need is “more work”. So it is with some hesitancy that I ask you to do this, even though I know that the few minutes you spend now will save you hours and hours of time later as you surf the Internet.

You may have heard of Google Chrome – a new Internet browser from Google that is lightening fast. I know that almost 8% of you lovely ladies already use Google Chrome to read Crossdresser Heaven, as I do every day when surfing the Internet. In fact, Crossdresser Heaven is written for and regularly tested on Google Chrome, so you’ll not only have the best experience on Crossdresser Heaven using Google Chrome, but your whole Internet experience will be faster and more enjoyable.

Lovely ladies, here’s what I’d like you to do: