Crossdresser Heaven

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Archives: December 2010

The Last Christmas

Categories: Vanessa's Transgender Experience

Published on: December 25, 2010

I must apologize in advance for the somber mood of this post, especially since it comes on a day meant to be filled with joy and love. Before I begin though, I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a blessed holiday season. I pray that those you love are close to you, and the memories you make today will shine a light of warmth in your heart for years to come.

This is our last Christmas. It’s a dim shadow of Christmases past. There is no Christmas tree or decorations, no holiday lights have been hung and no gifts are waiting to be shared. The cold, damp outside the window expresses the gray emptiness of this last Christmas. The final note in nearly a decade of song slowly dies, leaving behind a sad echo of what it once was.

After the pain, and hurt. After the anger and resentment. After the tears and mourning. There is only a deep, empty melancholy.
This is the moment I avoided all my life. This is my death I hoped to escape. This is the womb of my birth.

I’ll leave you now, with words that never fail to bring me to tears. Words from a song that itself could almost have been discarded. Ten minutes beyond the last track that seemed filled with silence, on an obscure CD by a band from South Africa called MIC. The song with no name, from the album Stories From a Dry Land.

I drowned in your eyes
The waters washed over me
The trees aren’t as green
The snow isn’t white

Like sunshine on my face
Or twelve roses in winter
When life comes from the sand
You rise to the heavens

And don’t close your eyes
It’s all I’ve got
To see the truth that’s inside
The window of your heart x2

I reach into your soul
The flowers were white and gold
The way your eyes move
Is the telling of the truth

And don’t close your eyes
It’s all I’ve got
To see the truth that’s inside
the window of your heart x2

It’s so easy for me
to think that I know
What’s going on in your head

Only time will tell
The meaning of love
But by that time I’ll be dead

So don’t close your eyes
It’s all I’ve got
To see the truth that’s inside
The window of your heart x2

And don’t close your eyes
It’s all I’ve got
To see the truth that’s inside
Your heart
To see the truth that’s inside
Your heart

Transgender Women Through Time

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Vanessa's Transgender Experience

Tags: transgender language

Comments: 15 Comments

Published on: December 19, 2010

It’s been almost a month since my last post. I’d love to say that I was busy with the holiday season, or that I’d temporarily lost my muse, or find some other innocuous excuse for my absence. The truth is unfortunately more grim, as the situation between my wife and I has deteriorated quickly. I won’t hash through all the intimate details, but I’ve found it difficult to follow my last article.

I look at the words I wrote, and can’t find the person inside who wrote them. I read the words of love and thankfulness and wonder where they came from. Perhaps it’s fate that had me pen them before it all changed, so their undeniability can stare back at me. So that weeks, or months, or years I can look back as a healed woman. I’ll never know the reason for such timing until the passage of time has sutured my heart. But until then, I found something interesting – and not emotionally charged – that I wanted to share with you.

What Words Are Used To Describe The Transgender Through History

Google just released a new website, called the Ngram viewer, that allows you to see the comparative prevalence of terms in the many hundreds of thousands of books scanned as part of the Google Books project. I thought it would be interesting to see how some common words in the gender community fared through history. You can find link to the chart here.

The Language of Transgender

As you can see, the word ‘transgender’ didn’t gain prominence until the last few decades, and just recently eclipsed ‘transsexual’. It’s also surprising the ‘crossdresser’ barely features at all in literature. Why do you think this is? I’d be interested to hear your thoughts.

Personally, I refer to myself as a woman, or more descriptively a transgender woman. I have a few friends who refer to themselves as a transsexual woman. For me, transgender captures the inclusive and nuanced nature of gender identity. Rather than focusing on the organs which undergo an operation, it seems to, for me, highlight the emotional journey and intellectual struggle that is so much more profound than the physical.

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