Last week I got a resounding response when I touched on the topic of otherwise benign crossdressing websites displaying a warning. Perhaps, not so subtly asking the question – Are we ashamed of crossdressing?
I got a touching response from Michelle via email. She has kindly allowed me to share it with you:
But some of us are not proud of who we are at all. I for one am VERY conflicted. I really enjoy dressing up pretty and sometimes it is sexual, but sometimes it is not. My wife, however, does not tolerate it at all, sexual or not, private or not. I love my wife dearly, so when I do dress behind her back, I feel extremely guilty. Sometimes the guilt is because I have been to websites that I should not have been to, and sometimes it is because I have indulged myself sexually (never with another person, just masturbating, but still) and I know that she would not be pleased. Sometimes I wish that Michelle would just go away and not haunt me anymore. But then, I am irresistibly drawn to do something later that I will regret. I feel as though I have no power of myself. But you are happy with who you are so you probably don’t understand me (and those like me) and I don’t even know why I am telling you all this.
Michelle showed bravery and honesty in sharing this with me. I know first hand the pain, self-loathing and confusion she expresses. The lack of control over your desires, wanting to fulfill your needs and to still love and respect your wife. These are not easy things to grapple with. Many people never have to deal with something so heart wrenching.
Michelle’s email is a beautiful expression of a truth many crossdressers live with, and it touched a chord with me. I thought I’d share my response to her with you, dear reader.
I spent much of my life believing that crossdressing was a curse, or worse – a sin I needed constant forgiveness for. Society and religion had convinced me that I was doing something wrong. If only I had enough will power, or enough faith, or a mastery of my emotional triggers – then I would be free of crossdressing. I was wrong for doing it, and I was weak for continuing. As much as I accomplished in my life I could never conquer crossdressing. I felt powerless, until I realized that I did have the power.
I could not change my desire to crossdress, any more than I could change my height or the color of my eyes. But I could change the meaning it held for me. Up until then I had viewed crossdressing as a cross I must bear, but what if it was truly a blessing? I couldn’t make society accept me, but what if I accepted myself?
With much introspection I asked myself – why should I be ashamed of crossdressing? At this question my mind flooded me with answers, most of which involved some variation of how other people would perceive me. I tend to agonize about what other people think, but crossdress or not, other people have perceptions of me – both positive and negative that I can influence but not control. Should I be ashamed because of what other people may think? For centuries people thought ill of another based on the color of their skin. Does that mean every person of color should feel ashamed? Absolutely not!
It took a long time, but I finally overcame this reason to be ashamed. Yet so many more reasons remained. One kept nagging me – ‘was this the most productive use of my time?’. Were the hours spent perfecting my makeup technique and shopping for clothes well spent? Perhaps not – though the same could be said for hitting a little white ball around with a stick.
The mind is cunning, next it asked, ‘What about your wife Vanessa? Surely your crossdressing must do harm to her, don’t you feel guilty about what you put her through?’ Ahh, well played mind. I do feel guilty about this. For my wife I want to be the man she deserves. I don’t agonize about the perceptions of the nameless stranger on the street, but I do care very deeply about what my wife thinks.
So I took a step back, and took stock of my ‘husbandry’. I crossdress, but I’m more caring and compassionate than most men. I wear makeup, but I treat her as my equal and respect her opinion. I’d rather get a manicure than tinker with a car, but I share my feelings and listen to her do the same. I realized that our relationship to another is more complex than a single issue. How fortunate a couple would be if crossdressing were the only issue to deal with. It doesn’t erase the guilt I feel putting her through this, but it does put it in perspective. Would your wife rather you spend every night drinking in the bar than crossdress? Likely not…
Sex has a unique way of making us feel guilty – we’re conditioned to be ashamed of our bodies almost since birth. In this case, perhaps you feel uncomfortable that your desire to crossdress is partly sexual. Even organizations like Tri-Ess try their best to separate crossdressing from sexuality. This is one I don’t feel qualified to unpack, though having a sex drive and becoming aroused is natural and healthy.
So is crossdressing a blessing? That’s something you get to decide for yourself. Personally, crossdressing has made me a better person. It has also allowed me a unique opportunity to share my acceptance with others. If I can offer just one person comfort and hope, then I’m doubly blessed in getting to share my blessing with others.
You may not be able to control your crossdressing, but you can control what it means to you. Will it mean shame, guilt and heartache? Will it be a part time hobby you indulge in, as harmful as a round of golf? Or will it open up the doors to bless others with compassion and love?
The choice is yours. The only wrong answer is choosing not to decide.
Hugs and blessings,
Vanessa
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Dear reader, what do you think? How have you come to terms with your crossdressing? How do you deal with the shame and guilt? Is crossdressing a blessing or a curse?
Leave a comment and help another in heartache.
Hi, i’m ashamed of crossdressing because i cant make myself passable, i try to follow your instructions on applying makeup but i end up looking like bozo the clown, i love dressing pretty and want to go out as a girl, but i look too rediculous, i cant afford surgery, plus my wife would never let me do it. what can i do. yours melony
Melony, I don’t think I have ever been 100% Passable, although I used to be very passable. As I have gained a few pounds over the years, I have become less passable. The little bit of weight seems to accentuate male features as it makes it harder to accentuate the feminine features.
One thing I have learned is that even though hair, make-up, clothes, etc. are an important part of passing, the most important part is your confidence and being comfortable with yourself and accepting who you are.
Usually we will feel better when our outfit looks great and our hair and make-up is perfect, but I have had days when everything was perfect and I looked great, but feeling nervous and unsure and people will pick up on that really quick. Other days my make-up may have been a little off or my hair not quite in place, but I felt good about myself, didn’t care what anyone thought, didn’t care if I was passable or not, it was just a beautiful day, I was happy and enjoying being me and no one notices, or at least they don’t seem to notice anthing.
To me, it is more important that people will recognize me and accept me as female more than it is for me to pass as one. Although I do like to pass and work on it as much as possible. When the people around you, especially those that matter most to you, know and accept you as female and the address you as a female (And hopefully treat you like a lady) then that is what makes the world of difference.
Passing can help your confindence, but I think confidence helps your passing even more.
Hello Melony,
You don’t have to be 100% passable. I have written comments before but I will review. I am a straight female who has an amazing cross dressing friend. She is not 100% passable but she doesn’t care. Honestly I don’t care. We go to Starbucks, Panera, wherever we want and I don’t care. If people have a problem it’s their problem. I say screw em do whatever you want and feel confident and proud. You are not hurting anyone. Don’t get caught up in societies hangups. Be Thankful this Thanksgiving that you know who you are and don’t be so paranoid.
Tracey
Thats the spirit Tracey. A lot of crossdressers are afraid to go out because they feel people likely wont like them, but its the other way around. People would love to meet you, and with that confidence, you can go anywhere your heart takes you. You two are a lucky pair. Carol
omg that is horrible.
mierable bastards should be shot……….sorry i get excited. if i cam help ,tell me
well dear , you say that when you apply your make up you look like boz0 the clown and you just will not pass as a women. My first time out was in femmme and i thought i was all that. my spouse and i went for a walk at night in the cemetary, i know it sounds pretty weird but it gave me confidence to take me going out femme to the next level. my make up hass gotten better and i cant wait until i can go out again
sister it takes practice but i remember when i was in your shoes hun it was painfull. get on all the makeup sites u can find and go to my pics and look and ill be happy to help u anyway i can.you will find pics of me on date a crossdresser my name is cherll looking forward to hearing from u sis
Melony,
One thing I have found is that there are so many different styles of clothing, and certain types may look better to you when you are wearing them than others. (in terms of you thinking you are passing better).
Some fashion websites and even store websites will have articles on-line about the best types of tops, skirts, pants, dresses, etc. to wear for certain body types.
And if a certain style appeals to you more than another, then you will probably feel better about yourself as well, feel more feminine, and less self-conscious about how well you are passing or not.
You can experiment without spending a whole lot of money by buying some of your clothes at thrift stores or at places like Wal-Mart, where for example I bought a White Stag top tonight for just $3 on clearance sale and a pretty red patterned dress for just $5.
Sometimes it may help to just browse the stores to see what is on display or browse store websites and after a while you will get an idea what styles appeal to you.
If you are wearing a design you like to start with you will probably feel more feminine and feel you are more passable than if you are wearing women’s clothes just because they are women’s clothes.
Hope this helps,
Hugs,
Pam
You’re absolutely correct Pamela.
And I love shopping the clearance racks at WalMart and Kmart as well as the Sears Home Essentials stores. Always can find great articles of clothing at amazing low prices.
I was shopping WalMart once and found several pieces of clothing that I loved. Didn’t even realize until I got home and decided to try a few of them on that one of the skirts I bought matched perfectly with one of the tops I bought. I wasn’t even trying to match anything, just picked out individual pieces that I liked. So it was a pleasant surprise when I saw how well those two articles of clothing looked together. I wore them to work the next night and it is still one of my favorite outfits.
hi, i am writing to comment that i am a transgender but my wife dont like it but i try to be a husband but i want to be more female ,i have went about 3 weeks without dressing cause she dont like it, any advice. thanks
You need to have a long talk with her and tell her exactly how you feel. Let her know that the feminine side of you is an important part of who you are that you cannot deny yourself.
You may want to go to counseling together, find a support group, buy her a book on the subject (True Selves is awsome for both transgendered individuals as well as the people who share their lives, it has lots of great info and explained really well. ) True Selves and other great books for wives of crossdressers, transsexuals, etc. can be found on Amazon.com
They have a few I want to order soon that I haven’t read yet. “My Husband, Betty”, “He’s Not There”, “My Husband Wears My Clothes”, and many others.
I was lucky to have had a supportive wife for almost 10 years that knew all about me before we got married. We divorced over money problems, but we are still friends and she still supports me.
Most of the women I have dated since the divorce knew up front and supported me. Only a couple of them had any kind of problem with it, but once they got a little used to it, were fine with it, and only one that had a problem with it altogether. One of my girlfriends supported me to an extent (although she said she supported me completely) but when it came to be being dressed female around her family and friends, she was more worried about what they would think. Even though most of her friends already knew about me and supported me. Her parents knew and supported me also. (they even bought me female clothes at Christmas time. lol)
You just need to let her know how you feel and that it is a big part of who you really are and that it is important to you and tell her why. Even if you don’t totally understand why yourself, just explain how you feel and what you do know about it. Let her know that you love her and want to be honest with her and not doing it behind her back or not dressing at all and denying yourself the right to be who you are and feeling that you have to hide and be trapped.
You may want to progress a little at a time if she agrees to you crossdressing. (not that you need her permission to be yourself, but that you are not wanting to shock heror make it too much at one time) just slowly ease into a more feminine mode a little at a time. I find that most women love feeling smooth shaved legs, so you may want to start with just shaving your legs, chest, whatever makes you comfortable. Later let her get used to seeing you with panties on. maybe with a t-shirt when you go to bed. Later add a little eyeliner. Just keep making slow subtle changes as time goes on.
Then again, after you talk with her and she has time to think about it and get used to the idea, she may just want to see the whole Destiny as a whole. I would try talking with her a little more and see how it goes, then decide if you may want a counselor to help you both talk and understand eachothers feelings and concerns.
In my case I feel that I am pushed into being ashamed. Altough my wife accepts that I am a crossdresser and says she would like to help, I know she does not.
I went nearly a whole year this(from October 08 to now)not dressing up once. I did this because everytime I had the urge to dress up I had to surpress it. The rules change everytime. I cannot seem to do anything right.
I totally admit that yes, i have gone into website i should not have, but its like a rollercoaster ride. One page leads to another and so on. Everytime without fail my wife will go into my history and never fail to start on me about the most insignificant detail. What do I do?
Our arguments always lead to her bringing up the “Martina problem” I fight back because in my 35 years I only know her 6 and I have crossdressed since I was 5. I feel that she has no right to tell me what, where and when to do it. Yes I am lucky that I have a wife that knows my dirty little secret, but does that mean she should have control over me?
She told her family what I am and after years of knowing, if it is brought up jokingly, she thinks its wrong! In the end, she told everyone, not me! Trust should be both ways. Not one rule for her and another for me. Believe me, if I could go back in the past, she would never know. I love her with all my life and “Martina” is a threat to her. Even a chance to go to Thailand is stopped because all she sees in her mind is Ladyboys! I for one love culture, but in her mind she thinks I was the sex side of things. All I want is to meet others like me that like to dress up, help each other with becoming the preety woman we all desire to be. Do you agree?
Thanks for reading x
here here baby.
Dearest Martina, a wize woman once said that no one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to. That woman was Elenore Rosavelt, admitedly not one of the most atractive First Ladies that this country has ever had and look what all she did. I hope that you are able to get things settled with your wife and your crossdressing. It would be a shame to have to keep the real you stuffed in a hole. Be strong and be patient and love her anyway. Hugs to you, Ragina
This is a serious issue for all of us.
Most women feel that a husband must take care of his family. How can a husband who dresses up be a husband at the same time with two women being in the house at the same time?
It boils down to what the stereotypical norms of society.
Men are to be men.
Women are to be women.
With crossdressing and transgenderism, these lines are seriously blurred and obscured. There is no division between man being a husband and a woman being a wife. It’s a gray area in which there is confusion of those expected norms.
Men feel their masculinity threatened and women feel their femininity is threatened.
If either a man or woman feels this way, lines of communication must open. Otherwise the hurt and anger will continue to well up in each to a breaking point.
My wife knew when she was getting into a relationship with me. We had started out as roommates. However, her family feels it is their right to torment her over the fact of who and what I am instead of doing the Christian thing and showing love and respect.
After my in-laws first found out about me, they were angry and felt I lied to them. Was I lying to them? Or was I lying to myself that I was or wasn’t lying to them?
I did what I had to do… I do not go to their homes dressed up out of respect and for their wishes.
A vast majority of people don’t understand crossdressing and especially transgenderism. We cannot expect people to fully understand at all, but I’ve done my best to explain it in the best fashion I could to them.
Here’s what I would do, and continue to do, is to explain to people this simple, yet elegant analogy which seems to be quite universal:
“Ever find a cute dress, so cute you just had to have it? It is in your size too! Yet, when you put it on, no matter how you adjust it, no matter if you alter it, no matter what, it just refuses to fit properly.”
Then, for guys, I use this:
“No matter how good that engine is, no matter if the only carberator you have for that Ford, you still have a Chevy carberator and not matter what you do, it will not fit on that Ford.”
But, talking to our spouses about what we feel is difficult and to add in crossdressing and transgenderism makes it even more difficult.
I still hold back things from my wife mostly due to her family though. The torment I would receive would be over the top and make me resentful to them.
My wife is supportive to an extent and is tolerant to a degree. She still is slightly on their side because of how she was raised.
We cannot allow ourselves to get angry with our spouses, we accept them as they are, but it’s not always reciprocal.
As much they need to understand us, we need to understand them to a greater extent and reassuring them continually loving them.
Mostly a blessing
Being a cross-dresser – or a tranny, pick you label – goes deeper than just clothes and make-up. I think it goes to the core of who we are and like it or loathe it, the effects are here to stay.
If I wasn’t a tranny, my life may have turned out very differently and I wouldn’t have had the family and friends I do now.
Am I ashamed? For 99.% of the time, no: I’m cool over it. Sometimes I have the odd dip into darker times, but doesn’t everyone?
Melony: Please don’t feel bad about passing. Very few of us do and the ones that look like they do? It’s Photoshop
Martina: Have a look at ‘Portable Firefox’ or look into the ‘run as’ command
What Lynn said
Seriously though, all of us get miserable at times, and wish we transgendered. It is really hard to love yourself when you don’t live up to society’s norms, but you’re well worth it!
Melony, I obsess about passing as the next girl, but the truth is that I’ll never pass 100%. I’m built as a man, taller than your average woman with bone structure that can’t be changed (even by the best surgery today). Photoshop + Hormones + Surgery + lots of makeup does wonders for many of the ladies you see on the Internet. As crossdressers we inherit a woman’s self-consciousness. 99.99% of all woman don’t look like the cover of a magazine – the trick is not to feel bad about it. A smile, confidence and body movement practice can go a long way towards your feminine illusion.
Martina, I can sympathize with you – marriage seems like a constant struggle to be who we are and respect who the other person needs us to be. We have it worse than most in this regard, but we’re by no means the only people to feel as though marriage asked for compromises we don’t feel we can make. My wife and I are still working through this. All I can say is that constant communication and mutual respect are more necessary than ever.
Patti, well said love. We should realize that they didn’t sign up for a husband who wants to become a woman. Even if you told them before getting married, the true reality doesn’t sink in until they must deal with this aspect on a day to day basis. We need to show our lovely wive’s the grace and understanding we’d ask of them.
Hugs,
Vanessa
Vanessa, your right not everybody can “pass”, but there are lots of girls that cant pass either. The question is , do you “pass” with yourself. Youll know when you do, and its easy from then on! Love carol
I am not at all ashamed to be a crossdresser. I enjoy dressing up as I never go out dressed as i am content with dressing in private at home. Girls are so lucky the stuff they get to wear so why shouldn’t I have some fun and slip on a dress or skirt ,maybe a pair of silky pantyhose and cross my legs and drink some coffee. I even openly buy skirts and hosiery, heels,makeup, as I don’t care what people think.A girl asked me one time,are these heels for u? I said ya, she then suggested that i try em on, so I did as i had on pantyhose under my jeans in which she saw and just said ,nice pantyhose.She had me walk around in the heels as well.It was nice for a girl to know my little secret.
This is a very difficult question to answer…
When I am crossdressed I am not ashamed – I wear ‘normal’ clothes that on any genetic girl would be accepted in most offices. I really relax when working from home in these clothes – and to be honest forget that I am dressed most of the time, it feels that natural.
When I am getting dressed, or changing back – that’s when the guilt kicks in. My wife knows, is kind of supportive – but doesn’t want to be involved. I think this is where a lot of the guilt comes from. It’s not going behind her back – she knows and tells me to, it’s the fact that I feel (and she never corrects me on this so I guess it’s right) that I have to make sure everything is back in it’s rightfull place before she gets in. Except for shoes and tights… The later I wear when it’s cold on the motorbike for reasons other than dressing and she is fine with that and the shoes we share as we have similar sized feet (and I have to buy womens shoes anyway due to the size of mine) and if she is in shoes that she can’t drive in we’ll swap – she takes my deck shoes and I take her heels.
The only problem I seem to find when it comes to shoes is a place that actually has my size.
That’s a nightmare! I’m like you, Kelly. I don’t care what people think either when I’m out.
But, when you do not pass very well, some people take offense to it and confront you.
Even though I pass very well when I shave my face as close as possible, my physique sometimes gives me away. Am I ashamed? No.
I do know that it is difficult for others who do not pass well, and I feel absolutely horrible for them. I don’t pity them, but I do know and understand what they are going through.
Clothing is essential part of being a woman. And not wearing the right clothing can make you stand out even worse. Wearing too much makeup, very outdated shoes, the whole nine-yards can make you standout like a sore thumb that’s been smashed to the point of being as big as your head.
I’m not attempting to demean or belittle anyone with this. But, I have worked with a few others who do impart this type of style.
It’s one thing going out clubbing at the favorite TG place, it’s another to walk around publicly like this.
Wow… I just wish I had the money to have helped a few of them who needed help in that area.
I feel a heavy heart for them.
My wife the other day says that I blow the TG Showgirls at the local TG/TV club, she went to for her best friends bachelor party, totally away.
Anyway, you should never be ashamed for who and what you are. And if people can’t handle who you are, then tough.
However, if it is your significant other, and she is not supportive of you, you both need to do something to help the lines of communication. Marriage is also about give and take. It should never be one-sided, nor should it be totally about you or her.
If you are struggling with this, go see a counselor, therapist or even your local church pastor and get it worked out.
It is going to take time and patience.
Do not be ashamed.
Well said Patti!
wow patty
a pastor? really? i’ve thought about it, but i’m really scared.
however,I have to talk it out. please e-mail me.
love mia
There are some pastors out there who are willing to help that do not condemn and judge, but you have to research them like you would anything else.
My wife teaches at a so called christian college. When she reached out for support, when she was dealing with me getting surgury, they gave instead of support, an ultimatum. Get a divorce, or get fired! Theres your bigots in action. Well We are working this out now, but its been a shock to her, and shes thinking all kinds of crazy stuff. Its a shame people can hurt us in this way, especially when by what they say they are…. Christians….. they prove theyre not. Carol
I like how so many Christians cannot accept the fact that I am both Christian AND Transsexual. Most say I cannot be both because if I were a true Christian I would not feel the desire to dress or be female and just accept myself the way God made me.
I love it when they ask the question “don’t you think God knew what he was doing when he created you?”
My answer to that is always: “yes I do, and what about Hermaphrodites? they are born with both sets of plumbing. Did God not know what he was doing when he created them? And if he can create someone with both sexes, then why is it not possible for some people to be born with the WRONG sex?”
So far, that has made every religious nut shut right up because thos are questions they are not prepared for and are totally unable to answer.
I follow Christ, not man. I don’t follow people who consider themselves as “Christian Leaders”. I did struggle for a while because of what people had tried to teach me about what God feels on this subject. Even before I came out. I have seen so many things happen in the church, so many things going on that would make your head spin.
After playing in the church youth group band and also with the main music minstry for well over a year, the pastor one night gives a sermon on “judge not by appearances but look at the heart”. Then, the same night immediately following the service he has the youth pastor (he couldn;t ask me himself) to ask me to cut my long hair. I thought “what a hypochrite!” When I refused, the pastor did not want me playing drums for the main music ministry any more and everyone in church got upset with him and people actually left the church over this. He was trying to convince people that the bible says “Support your pastor, etc.” obvious and blantant control and manipulation, very much like a cult leader. He started treating me like total dirt, and was worse when there were only a few people or no one else around.
Well, it finally got so bad that I quit going to that church. A couple of months later his wife attempted suicide because she walked in and caught him in bed with another woman from the church.
So he’strying to convince everyone that my long hair is a sin and it is wrong (tell that to the guy you worship!) while he is running around on his wife. He’s judging my appearance when he is telling others not to.
He was not looking at my heart while he was telling others to do so. And while he is trying to get everyone against me and to believe I was so bad, the was the one being bad.
That is one of many experiences I have had with Christianity. I almost turned away from Christianity at one point, but then a friend helped me realze that I should not hold against the Lord the actions of man.
That’s when I realized that Jesus had always been awsome to me and has always been there and helped me through so much and that I should not abandon my beliefs because of what some greedy, power hungry, control freak wants to convince me that I should believe.
I stopped allowing beliefs to be spoon fed to me by any minstry.
I am a Christian, but I do not follow mainstream Christianity. I think for myself, and realize that I don’t have to believe what everyone else preaches because they are not always right, no matter how popular any given belief may be.
I still struggled with worrying about would God hate me for dressing and having surgery to become female. I knew there was no way I could change who I was and how I felt, so was I going to go to hell for just trying to be myself?
God finally told me, ” I know you and I know your heart. You should not be ashamed to be yourself and be who you are inside. I know it’s been hard, but there are experiences I wanted you to have as a man that you could not have had as a woman and now that you have had those expepriences, it will make you stronger and ready for your journey to become and live the rest of your life as a female, even if the rest of the world and those who claim they know me do not understand”
God told me in my heart that it was okay, that I should now pursue life as a female, that it is not a sin. What would be a sin is to continue living a lie. Liing to myself and liing to others and hiding who I truely am.
He told me I should not torture myself anymore.
So yes, God did know what he was doing when he made me. I was born male for a reason. I was to experience things that I would not have had I been born female. Yet, he also has a plan for me to eventually life the rest of my life as a female taking with me those important experiences. I don’t understand why yet, but I have faith in his ultimate plan for my life. I no longer struggle or worry about God hating me for crossdressing and wanting to change my body. I know he meant for it to be. And those that argue the contrary do not know the relationship I have with God and probably don’t have a genuine relationship with him themselves because they are being dictated to and told what to believe by man.
Christ should be first in our lives. Christ should be first in your wifes life, not a “Christian teaching job” that is dictated by the rules of man.
You should be the most important thing in her life next to Christ, not her job, not the church….It chould be Christ…then you and your children (if you have any). I would always put Christ before my family but I would never put the church or a job before family.
Telling the church/Christian school where they can stick it is not turning agaist God, and don’t worry about what people think ifi you tell them off and do what you know is right between you and God. Don’t worry about what they say should be right or wrong. There is no one size fits all plan that God has for everyone. We are each different and god has a special and different plan for each and every one of us.
God loves you no matter what! Pray to him, read you rbible and let him lead you to the answers you seek, do not let mainstream religion tell you what you are supposed to believe. Find what God wants for you.
Yes, I am Christian, but I get very angry at how wrong and controlling, blinded and closed minded and judgemental the bulk of people who claim to be Christians are.
God did not intend for you to be tormented by hiding who you truely are. Your wife cannot reasonably expect you to just turn the feeling off like a light switch.
You need to find good counseling by someone who ha sknowlege and experience in transgender issues. and there are a few good Christians ones out there if you look good enough. She needs to know how hiding this is affecting you. Life is too short and you only get one. You need to do what makes you happy. And I believe with all my heart that you can work this out without divorce.