Crossdresser Heaven

Fashion, makeup and body movement tips for crossdressers who want to look and feel more feminine

Author: Vicki Stevens

Crossdressing, Haiti and God's enduring love

Categories: Vicki's Inspirations for Crossdressing Christians

Published on: January 24, 2010

Vicki brings us another inspiration for crossdressing Christians inspired by the devastation in Haiti, and the outpouring of love from around the world. Truly, God is there when it is darkest, even though His instrument may look to you and me like a caring person and not a flash of lightening from the sky.

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Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of services, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who activates all of them in everyone. ! Corinthians 12: 4-6

The events in Haiti and some of the negative comments from certain religious and political figures here in the US and elsewhere certainly made me a little uncomfortable with sharing the label Christian. I’ll admit, at the beginning of this crisis, I tried to avoid the images. We’d just finished the season of Christmas and all of a sudden the sick stark reality of the world was trying to rumble back into my conscious. But Pat Robertson’s and Rush Limbaugh’s comments put me in a fighting mood and now I am riveted by the stories, and images emerging from the devastation. A local woman, Molly Hightower, a Catholic woman died in Haiti, trying to help a people already beset by poverty, disease, and suffering. Yet despite this and despite stories from people who have fled, they all seem united in one common thought. Let us catch our breath and then we are going back to help, to rebuild, and to affect lives in a loving and positive way. These people live the message of God. This morning I saw a news clip about how an Israeli rescue team had freed a man trapped since the quake nearly two weeks ago. What The rescuer said, when asked about the man’s condition was, “I don’t care, he’s alive.”

People from different walks of life, people with different talents and abilities, all are working to ease the hurt. That is God’s response, not one of turning His back, or rendering the destruction in the first place to punish an evil people and nation. So, where is the connection to this, and cross dressing life? Sisters, God gave us a gift. Though many may see it as sinful or an aberration, it is a gift that God gave and if we approach it that way, and live our lives that way, then the fruits of that gift can blossom with the aid of the Spirit. Those who look on us as sick or aberrant are missing the point that, for me at least, when I embrace my feminine side and let go of the macho mask I try to put up, my creative spirit, my empathetic spirit, my loving spirit is strengthened. But most importantly, I find myself actually coming closer to God. Rather than God turning from me because I like to express a feminine side of my personality, He seems to be celebrating with me that I have discovered He made me this way, and He has a plan to use me in the world.

At 54, I am still trying to discover exactly what God has in mind for me. But for the first time, I feel like I am finally on a path to discovering what it is. My heart aches for the people of Haiti right now, I want to do something other than sit with tears in my eyes as the images continue to play on my tv screen. A donation however small does not seem to be enough. Then I realize that perhaps it is enough, that there are talented people who DO belong at the side of the Haitian people. Their skills and spirit are well suited to the task at hand. Maybe it is enough to pray and do what little I can; God has something else in mind for me. God has something in mind for you too. God made you this way for a very good reason. Knowing that at this point may be enough, but be open to God’s call when it does come. And if it be in a skirt and blouse that He asks you to employ your talents, then know that it was always a part of His plan.

A Time of Renewal

by Vicki Stevens

Categories: Vicki's Inspirations for Crossdressing Christians

Tags: new year crossdressing

Comments: 3 Comments

Published on: January 10, 2010

Dear readers,

The new year hearkens a time when we look forward, where old things are reexamined and new things are planned. Vicki’s inspiration for this week invites us into the beauty that awaits in 2010. Remember, do you what you love, even if you love wearing woman’s clothing.

“For behold I create a new heavens and a new earth, and the former things shall not be remembered or come into mind.” Isaiah 65:17

The New Year is to most of us a time to look ahead to the future and promise that in the coming year we will do better at whatever it is we decide we need to be better at. “Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot and Never Brought to Mind”, that sort of thing which is so accurately reflected in the verse from Isaiah. Too often though, the old habits, old ways of thinking keep pulling us back I am no different than the rest, but events during this last holiday season have put this verse at the front of my thinking for the coming year, and once again I make promises that I already know will be hard to keep, but armed with some new insight from Isaiah, perhaps I will be more successful than before.

One of the biggest things that hang over me, especially at this time of year is how far am I willing to go to put myself on the line as a TG person. Indeed, how committed am I to maintaining a more regular schedule in terms of just writing these inspirations. It’s not from a lack of real inspiration as much as it is old habits convincing me personally that even this is a trivial exercise and there is so much more to be gained by surfing the net for useless information that I’ll never need again. A year ago I came across Crossdresser Heaven and resolved that I would finally listen to what I think God had been saying to me and step out in a positive and visible way in order to be a spokesperson for the TG and the larger LGBTG community. Well, this column was a start, and I did finally venture out into public, but the goals I had set last year kept being pushed off to the distant future. Habits, ways of thinking, and fears kept cropping up and making “good” excuses for NOT doing a column, not attending a LGBTG event at a local church, even in drab, not following up on other opportunities that came my way,

The holidays played a part in this new awakening to me. My relationship with my mother and siblings had taken a hit when I divorced my first wife and settled in with my girlfriend Molly. Four years later things have not improved though in my mind I had hoped for a Christmas Miracle. It is painful to me that my Lutheran family seems so hard hearted to the woman I love so deeply and who makes me happier than anyone ever has done in my life. She is my soul mate and it is painful for me that my family, mother especially, cannot allow themselves to accept this “Jezebel” and see beyond the event to the heart she has inside. Unfortunately a pleasant post Christmas visit, (minus the love of my life), was spoiled by a simple comment by mom that pretty much shattered my hopes for a full reconciliation anytime soon.

I was stung, not from a sense of feeling guilt, for the comment mom made was sorely out of proportion and context to a perceived slight. I realized that forgiveness was not forthcoming, for Molly, and by extension, for me. I struggled a day or two with this information until the words from Isaiah crept up on my e-mail Tuesday morning. God promises a new way of looking and seeing the world. Perhaps my blood relations cannot see it yet, but there is hope. But for my part, I need to let go of that hurt first and move on into the next phase of God’s life plan for me.

I can already hear many of you saying; well what does this have to do with cross dressing for goodness sake? A couple things, first any illusion of coming out to my family any time soon , before I make certain other steps in this lifestyle is not going to happen. Imagine the fireworks over that one, not only did he divorce his wife, he runs around in Jezebel’s clothes. But it doesn’t matter. To hold onto the past restricts my step to the future. What was in my mind an excuse became a roadblock. Not that I will forget mom entirely, I am her son, but I cannot let her opinion of me and my desire to “make it right” prevent me from moving ahead in a life affirming, love filled way. There is the second part of the lesson for us as cross dressers. No matter where you find yourself on the journey, look to the words of Isaiah. Old ways of thinking and behaving are out, God has established a new heaven on earth and we are assured of that in Christ. To all my sisters then, a Happy New Year, one filled with positive steps ahead, be it in acceptance of yourself as God accepts you, or in steps out into the world, to find where that self fits in , but most importantly to find the work that God wants you to give as a full measure of that self that is wholly you..

I Know How To Be Brought Low

by Vicki Stevens

Categories: Christianity and Crossdressing, Vicki's Inspirations for Crossdressing Christians

Tags: Christian Crossdresser

Comments: 2 Comments

Published on: August 23, 2009

“I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:12-13

In the e-mail devotion I received today on this passage, the writer spoke of how summer had sped by, and the many projects she had planned were coming to naught. Boy could I relate. But she points us to remember that if we need to turn to God when the distractions get in the way of our everyday course of life, and even more so when the distractions crop up in our Christian walk. She points us to the cause of the distraction when she writes, “It seems there are many obstacles standing between us and a stronger faith. Satan has many tools to tear us from a closer walk with God.” I tend not to think too much about Satan being behind some of the little things that seem to get in the way on an almost daily basis, take this column for instance. But perhaps I need to.

We in the CD community should be constantly aware of Satan though. After all, we are constantly reminded, either to our face if we choose to live openly, or by the messages sent by society at large. Our urge to dress is nothing more than a temptation put before us by Satan as a part of his devious plan to keep God away from us, and us from God. It should be also noted this is also what our brothers and sisters in the Gay and Lesbian communities hear. It is what women and blacks heard in the past, it is what lepers and tax collectors heard in Jesus’ day. You are not one of us, you are not one of the Chosen, and God wants nothing to do with you because you are unclean, foreign, sub human. The truly sad part of this is most of us at some point in our lives have opted to believe that the “chosen” are correct in deciding who is fit for the kingdom and who is not.

One very common response is to hide that part of ourselves from others. We separate the gender ambiguous part of ourselves from church and ultimately God. The other common response is to reject a God who would deem us as unacceptable and to walk away from relationship with Him on any level. In either case, Satan has won. In the former sense it is certainly subtle, but by withholding part of ourselves, perhaps even convincing ourselves that we are hiding it from God, we prevent allowing that full relationship that God desires to have with us from coming to fruition. We never allow for the idea that perhaps it is the very gift that we hide is the gift God intends us to use the most. Where God is rejected outright, the party in hell begins, and while we may not even realize that is what has happened, Satan doesn’t care. One more soul prevented from realizing the relationship that God wants for all His creation, but that Satan was too jealous to share.

We tend always to think of distractions that loom up directly in our view, the roadblocks to our best laid plans. And we can usually strategize a mechanism for coping with the obvious. But it is the subtle distractions that tear us down; fear, self hatred, lack of confidence or lack of faith. It is an unwillingness to accept ourselves as a special creation of the Most High God. It happens to those outside our special little community, I suspect even amongst the “chosen” at times. The answer to this little, subtle distractions that Satan throws in our path, I think lie in the last verse of this passage from Philippians. “I can do all things through Him that strengthens me.” We must put our trust in a Loving, accepting, welcoming, and non-judgmental Christ, God Manifest. Then the distractions in the way of our relationship with God will melt away in the face of our strongest advocate to Him. Jesus Christ.

I pray that each of us, all God’s Children, no matter where we are on the journey, remember that when a distraction comes up, anything that will prevent us from experiencing a fuller and richer relationship with God, we look to our side, to see who walks with us. We give thanks to you God for the sacrifice in love poured out for us by your Son Jesus Christ.

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Vanessa here – thanks Vicki for you inspiration, and thank you to all the ladies who submitted a local transgender support group. The list of transgender support groups contains more than 100 local groups from ten countries! If you don’t see your group, or your favorite group there, please submit it!

Vicki’s Inspirations for Crossdressing Christians – Let Go of Your Doubt

by Vicki Stevens

Categories: Christianity and Crossdressing, Vicki's Inspirations for Crossdressing Christians

Tags: Christianity and Crossdressing, Crossdressing Christian

Comments: 5 Comments

Published on: May 31, 2009

John 15 1, 7-8: (Jesus said): I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinegrower.7. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples.”

(Vanessa had asked that I divide this inspiration into two pieces for ease of reading and thinking on. This is the continuation of the inspiration that started with the story of the Eunuch in Acts. To recap, both of these lessons, the story of the Eunuchin Acts, and the parable of the vine and the vinegrower were read in church on Mother’s Day and were the source for the entire Inspiration.-Vicki)

It seems appropriate then that the image of the vine that Jesus uses in the Gospel followed the lesson of this hungering soul, the eunuch of Acts. Jesus compares himself to a vine, and the Father to the vinegrower. He compares us to offshoots from that vine, and that those who bear fruit, are cared for, pruned and allowed to flourish under the Father’s care and constantly fed by the main vine which is Christ. We cannot live or exist in Christ apart from his sustenance. “Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, but apart from me you can do nothing.” I listened to the verse, understanding again the lesson that in Christ lays the answers we all look for and yet hearing these words as if for the first time and with new understanding. The minister in his sermon used many present day examples to drive the point home, and then asked this question, attempting to tie the two stories together. He allowed that angels, still work in this world, though we probably shouldn’t expect magnificent winged creatures blazing with light to guide us. But, he said, be attentive to the little things and then look inside to test it. He pointed more than once to an area on his torso, between the heart and stomach and peered at the congregation, how do we know it is the Spirit he asked, tapping that region on him self. He didn’t need to provide the answer, for we know where God resides. It is there in our heart that we find not only God abiding in us, but us abiding in God. The lesson was very clear, but my hungering Spirit wanted more.

When one goes out on a journey that might be on a path that would seem new; perhaps by the “experts” of our day to be…forbidden; one wants to be sure that their chosen path is correct. I want to believe that this ministry call I feel so strongly is true. I found myself as the Pastor tapped his heart wanting to shout out, how can we know and trust that “gut” feeling. I am a seeker filled with too many doubts at times, still wanting to believe that it doesn’t matter what I choose to wear, or who I find fulfillment in love with, or even that the body I was given does not match the person that I am. I want to believe that God is not judging us on that. Still the path I am on, the people I seek to reach out to and be reached back to by, are seen by so many as unworthy of God’s love and acceptance. I know many in this community struggle daily with this side of themselves and reject God, because they feel God has rejected them. So I wonder if I might just be wrong and that “they” are right. I formulate the words and want to ask, How can I be sure this is God and not my own selfishness, or my own agenda. It seems even as the words are hanging in the air, “those who abide in me” I am forgetting them. Even as the pastor taps his chest, I am questioning my own heart.

Yet, the words stay, the words hang until they can penetrate and take root. I let go of the doubt, look to Jesus, and allow myself to abide in Him, and the fruit begins to flourish. I give up my own agenda, I allow the vinegrower to prune as necessary, and wait for the fruit to appear. God is wise enough to know, if I saw the perils of the journey, I would likely just stay at home. If we knew what lay ahead, joys and sorrow, trials and triumphs, most of us would likely just decide it wasn’t worth it, and choose to live the way we are expected to. But He provides us with the assurance we need. The fruits of our labors would be proof enough. In these first weeks, I’ve found so many of you willing to share your thoughts back to me, to encourage me in small yet important ways. I hesitate to use the term, loaded in our present day world with such negative connotation for people like us. But there it is, you are my fruits, the assurance that Jesus abides in me, and that I am finally beginning to abide in Him. Maybe better to say, you all are my angels, visiting me and pointing me to new paths, all the while giving me that sense of peace that I am on the right path for me. I give thanks to you and I give thanks to God for you all dear readers, and will stay on this path, even though doubt assails me at times. I will strive to remember in Him, we have our strength and purpose and it is in Him only we need seek approval.

Vicki’s Inspirations for Crossdressing Christians: Transgender and the Eunuch

by Vicki Stevens

Categories: Christianity and Crossdressing, Vicki's Inspirations for Crossdressing Christians

Tags: Christian Crossdresser, transgender Christian, transgender eunuch

Comments: 7 Comments

Published on: May 24, 2009

I spent this last Sunday, Mother’s Day, accompanying my mom to her home church, Trinity Lutheran north of Seattle. Trinity is a large suburban church with an active and growing congregation. I’ve been an absentee worshiper from my own church home of late and it was nice to go back and hear the traditional Lutheran liturgy and music of old, preached and sung by a large and enthusiastic congregation. Plus, sons, (and I’m assuming most of us are men by birth, and not excluding any of our F to M readers,) and daughters, if there is one thing that will make your mother happy, even more than a phone call, a vase of flowers, or a dinner on Mother’s Day, go with her to her church. You get to be shown off to all her friends and it will make her day. And if you missed Mother’s Day, then just go on any Sunday of the year; for sitting next to her in church will do more for her than any tangible gift you might think to give her. If you are fortunate to have both a mother and a church that is accepting of your lifestyle choice, then by all means, go as your true self. I myself am still working on both of those parts of my life, but I live in hope that someday her other “daughter” will be able to attend with her as well.

Beyond the event itself and the strength and renewal for my own journey, there were some wonderful words in the chosen lessons of the day. Starting with the reading from Acts, in which Phillip is instructed by the angel to minister to the Ethiopian eunuch. I made the connection, and wondered where the eunuch might fit in the judgment of those who oppose same sex marriage on the grounds that it is not part of God’s plan. Or who would look askance at a cross-dresser and consider she (or he for our FTM audience) as one who is living in opposition to the way God made us, and heaven help those who would undo the physical manifestation we were given, even when it is so clear that our soul resides squarely in the mental framework of a different sexual proclivity. I must also caution at this point, that nothing in the Scriptures should necessarily be read with the idea that this validates who I am. That occurs of course, if one reads with an open mind and the Spirit’s guidance, but ultimately, the focus has to be on what God has done. I may have more to say on the lessons I took from the story of the eunuch at a later date, but what struck me most yesterday was the hunger this person felt for the word of God, and how God through Phillip was able to satisfy that hunger. The eunuch, filled at once with the Spirit asked Phillip to baptize him on the spot. The story of this encounter ends with the eunuch , “…on his way rejoicing.” (Acts 8 v 39) There was no requirement from Phillip, and thus we must believe, from God, that the eunuch had to be made whole, to declare himself man or woman, but simply that he hungered for God’s word, and left filled.

This is a huge interpretation and admittedly personal reading of this passage I will admit; the real point in all Scriptural reading is to see God’s action, not our own. Yet two points I feel are important in this reading, and I believe serve as a reminder to us all that Christ came not to save just a few, but to save the world. That is the primary lesson reinforced once again in this story from Acts. Secondarily but so closely related to Christ’s redeeming sacrifice is that the same rules apply. God can act through any vessel He chooses, it is not up to one’s readiness or perfection. All it takes is a hungry heart and a willingness to hear.

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