Crossdresser Heaven

Fashion, makeup and body movement tips for crossdressers who want to look and feel more feminine

Categories: Advice and Encouragement

Be True to Yourself in 2012

Tags: crossdresser purge, share crossdresser secret

Published on: January 14, 2012

The new year has been underway for a few weeks, ushering out an old year with any regrets and sadness and welcoming a fresh opportunity at living. If you’re like most, your New Year’s resolutions are already becoming but a faded memory as the reality of the year ahead sets in. There’s deadlines at work, drama at home and a deep sense of unease that everything will be just the same this year as last year.

Truth in Crossdressing

For those of you who crossdress the new year may be an even more tense time. Perhaps you’ve sworn off crossdressing, or at least promised to keep it to once a month. Perhaps you’ve finally committed to sharing your secret with a loved one, or taking an outing in public for the first time. All of these commitments to yourself can be an important part of your growth and discovery. Even if sacrifice and denial is in vain, the learning gained by the experience can prove priceless for future decisions.

My lovely readers, as you may know this last year has been full of new, terrifying and exciting experiences. I had facial feminization surgery and gender reassignment surgery, which have stretched my emotional and physical tolerances. While my spirit has been filled, for many months my energy has flagged and returned only to flag once more. All through this experience I’ve learnt many things, but one in particular I’d like to share with you:

Be True to Yourself

It’s easy to get caught up in what others want or expect. To set aside your own desires or even your integrity to please someone else. In the moment it may seem to bring peace, or to offer a short glimpse of happiness, but in the end it will erode your soul. I fought against becoming myself for many years. I was driven by fear, the expectations of society and the desire to make my now ex wife happy. Every day I sacrificed a piece of my soul just to keep the status quo. And every day the sacrificial demands go larger, and the status quo a grim shadow of it’s former self.

I’ve had some rough times emotionally, as many do recovering from surgery, but I have never for one second doubted that I did the right thing. It’s as if I had placed a desperate gamble and won back all of my soul I had so carelessly bartered away. I was true to myself, completely. Many didn’t like it. I lost a wife, lost some “friends” and gained myself. And new friends, and new opportunities.

This time of year is delicate – you’re just getting over regret at having slipped up on a resolution or two, but I implore you to make room for one more commitment this year. Be True to Yourself. Whatever that means for you. It’s okay to purge and sacrifice if that’s being true. It’s okay to go out in public, even make a fool of yourself, if that’s being true. It’s okay to step out on the ledge and share with someone else, if that’s being true.

I believe that very few of us have an opportunity to live an authentic life. Join me in 2012, and live your authentic life.

Namaste.

—
Photo courtesy of Alaskan Dude

What’s the Difference Between a Crossdresser and a Transsexual?

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Am I Transsexual?

Tags: transgender, transsexual

Comments: 2 Comments

Published on: October 23, 2011

It’s an old joke in the transgender community that goes like this:
Q: “What’s the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?”
A: “Two years”

This provides some humorous levity while astutely implying a truth about transsexuals – many of them started out as crossdressers. Unfortunately, while it makes for a fun observation it doesn’t really provide any useful insights for those who are struggling with their gender identity, or for others who hear that someone they love is a crossdresser.

It’s also easy to describe the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual by sharing the definition of each word and describing transgender terminology.

It’s more difficult to help those struggling with their gender identity determine whether they are a crossdresser or transsexual, though I’ve made such an attempt a few times.

Five days ago I had sex reassignment surgery. As someone who once considered themselves a crossdresser, and now considers herself a transsexual woman without question of doubt I feel I’m in a position to provide some valuable insight for those struggling with a similar question. It goes without saying that each person is different, and this question is best explored together with a qualified therapist, after all you’ll make life altering decisions based on what you discover.

How Do I Know if I’m a Transsexual?

You consider yourself a woman: Crossdressers enjoy being woman for a time, but still consider themselves to be a man. Many are even happy being a man, and indulging their feminine persona a few times a week or month is all they need. Even if they fantasize about being transformed into a woman, crossdressers never seriously consider this to be a long term way of life.
Transsexuals feel an intense cognitive dissonance between the genders of their mind and body. For me this manifested itself in a constant ‘mind static’ that pervaded every moment. I couldn’t enjoy the fullness of life because of a birth defect that placed me in the wrong body. For some it gets so serious that they seriously consider suicide as the only solution.
It’s about who you are, not the clothes: For many crossdressers the infatuation with the feminine revolves around their appearance. The clothes, the makeup, the impossibly high heels. Even for crossdressers who strive to blend in, it’s about being feminine. Being feminine feels good and exciting.
For transsexuals the entire experience doesn’t revolve around the accessories of gender expression. Another common refrain is, “How do you tell the transsexuals at a transgender conference?”, “They’re the ones wearing jeans”. It’s about who you are, not who you appear to be.
You take the good with the bad: Transsexuals realize that there is no escaping being a woman. No time off for good behavior. We can’t decide to be a man for a certain circumstance just because it would be easier. While we may lament the discrimination we face as women it doesn’t factor in to whether we are a woman.
Womanhood is messy reality, not an idealized fantasy: If your sole experience of womanhood is as a fantasy, then you don’t have enough information to say that you’re a transsexual. Many crossdressers only experience what they consider the ‘highlights’ of womanhood (It’s another post as to why I don’t believe these are the actual highlights). Nights out feeling sensual, or safe gatherings dressed in their finest feminine attire. The truth is that womanhood isn’t quite as clean or elegant. Many transsexual woman experienced and embraced the messy reality of womanhood before transitioning. If you’re wondering, seek out every day experiences as a woman.

Embrace Who You Are

Gender Identity isn’t a game that you win by being more feminine. The only way to win is to discover where you are on the spectrum, and accept yourself unconditionally. If you’re not a transsexual, that’s okay. If you are, that’s okay too.

I’ve shared my thoughts on how to determine whether you’re a crossdresser or transsexual. What insights have I missed? If you’re a crossdresser and firm in that knowledge, how did you come to this realization?

A Few More Great Travelling Tips for Crossdressers

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Crossdresser Support

Tags: crossdress travel

Comments: 2 Comments

Published on: October 4, 2011

My last post entitled 3 Steps to Successfully Crossdressing in a Foreign City generated some interesting discussion on Google+, and a few new ideas I wanted to share with you (thanks Blaire!). If you haven’t already, please take a moment to follow me on Google+. You’ll get to see the discussion and other transgender news I share (such as the recent change in WPATH guidelines for transition)

So, You Want To Crossdress in Another City?

Imagine your femme fatal: Think about what you’d feel like wearing, and pack a few different outfits like that. If your mood shifts, you’ll be prepared – after all, the extra blouse or skirt doesn’t take up that much extra space.
Buy a travel makeup kit: Practice with your travel makeup kit of choice beforehand. Along with some travel brushes it will take up much less space, and be coordinated so you can get ready in a flash.
Keep your shoes in boxes: Never underestimate the potential of the spare room inside the box! Also useful if you prefer your shoes aren’t squashed
Use foam breast forms: They’re much lighter than silicon forms, and much less likely to trigger alarms on security scanners. They are also more durable.
Don’t get deported (or worse!): If you’re travelling internationally be sure you understand the local laws. Don’t be part of the crossdresser group that got themselves deported from Dubai on arrival, or gad about in Saudi Arabia where you could be executed for crossdressing.
Scope out your destination on the net: Any place with a good TG community will be accessible on the web – Google for “<city> transgender club” or a similar variation to get in contact with the locals.

Lastly, Ana brings up a great point that you need not travel across the country to get all the benefits of crossdressing in a foreign city. Sometimes a short 30 minute drive is enough to significantly reduce the changes of an unfortunate encounter.

Have fun girls!

3 Steps to Successfully Crossdressing in a Foreign City

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Crossdresser Support

Tags: crossdress travel

Comments: 1 Comment

Published on: September 28, 2011

I’ve spent the last week with a friend in California. It’s been wonderful to get away from home, spend time with friends and decompress from my last surgery before heading in to my next one (22 days until SRS!). I’ve also enjoyed seeing the local attractions around Hollywood and Santa Monica, and even overcame my fear of skimpy swimsuits by wearing a bikini to the beach. The day was gorgeous and the sea far too inviting to miss out.

Travel for a great crossdressing vacation This got me thinking a bit more about the many ladies I’ve corresponded with who wait with anticipation for travel to let their inner woman dance. For some the thought of crossdressing so close to home is enough to send chills down their spine. With breathless trepidation they ask, “What if someone I know sees me?”. And it’s all to easy to follow this line of thinking right into a catastrophe of life altering proportions.

The anonymity a foreign city provides can provide comfort and courage to the weary cross dresser. Though I warn you not to seek the sapid time en femme in a strange city without some forethought. Here are 3 steps to getting the most out of your cross dressing sojourn:

Plan What You Will Do: It’s not as much fun spending the evening in your hotel room. Planning a few weeks in advance will ensure a memorable outing. Get in contact with local transgender organizations (there’s a great one in Seattle called the Emerald City). Ideally you’ll be able to make a meeting of the local chapter and join them for dinner and drinks – an out of town guest is always a treat! At the very least they’ll be able to tell you about transgender friendly parts of town you can enjoy. Another alternative is to contact an organization that provides cross dressing fantasies for a fee (in Seattle The Emerald Fantasy is one example. This might cost you a bit, but will ensure a magical cross dressed evening.
Plan Your Outfits: Since you need to fit everything in a suitcase you can’t take your whole wardrobe with you. Put together outfits for each day or night out a few days in advance. Don’t forget jewelry and makeup. If you’re just finding your style try them on in the mirror before packing – there’s nothing worse than having places to go but nothing to wear.
Get Confidence from Unfamiliar Surroundings: Remember, it’s likely that you’ll never see any of the people you meet again. Use this as an opportunity to be fabulous! Enjoy yourself and let fear take a back seat. If you drink, start your evening with a glass of wine at the hotel bar to get used to your femme self before sauntering out in the world.

There you have it ladies – there’s no excuse to put off your fantasy. Grab your suitcase and airline ticket and let your inner woman shine! Whether it’s an indulgent personal vacation or a few hours after a business trip you’ll be thankful for the time spent expressing yourself. Be safe, have fun and look forward to next time!

—
Photo courtesy of Duncan~

A Dire Warning for Facebook Users

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Crossdresser Support

Tags: cross dress on Facebook

Comments: 2 Comments

Published on: September 26, 2011

To my dear readers,

One of my passions in life is technology. I’m a self described geek and enjoy following the latest in technology news and updates. Whether it’s the latest gadget from Apple, a new service from Google or a pre-release version of Windows 8 I’m there. Reading about them, playing with them – admiring what they do well and learning from what they don’t.

I’ll admit that in the past I’ve had a love/hate relationship with Facebook. Facebook is a wonderful tool that allows me to stay connected with friends and family, yet at the same time seems to disregard the privacy of those who use it with abandon. About a year ago there was the ‘beacon’ incident, where purchases made on other websites showed up in your Facebook feed – which alarmed those who bought something innocuous, and did far worse to others who had bought things they’d rather remain secret, like an engagement ring for a beloved.

Privacy settings seem to miraculously change as they ‘improve’ the service, and I’ve had a hard time keeping pace with what I’ve actually disclosed to whom. Yet what Facebook announced this week terrified me, and as a service to those in the transgender community I want to share this warning so you’re not caught in a nasty surprise.

What has Facebook Done?

This week Facebook announced new ‘frictionless sharing‘ which in a nutshell lets a website show your friends what you’re reading without you even clicking a like or share button. The website will ask you for permission once, and from then on every article you read will be announced to all your friends.

Decide to linger on the New York Times article about transgender discrimination – now your friends can find out. Take a few moments to click through to a story about a cross dresser – good thing those closest to you are so understanding as you accidentally out yourself.

A few months back I wrote about the best strategies for protecting your cross dressing secret on Facebook, but I fear that these will no longer be enough. In my opinion if you use Facebook you’re just one mistake away from telling the whole world you’re a cross dresser.

How to Protect Your Crossdressing Secret While Staying in Touch With Friends

Of course, it’s not as easy as telling you to stop using social networking sites. After all, the sense of connection enriches your life and allows you to grow closer to those closest to you. I am going to advise that you strongly consider switching to and encouraging all those you care about to do the same. The privacy model on Google+ is dead simple. You can create circles by adding people to them, and when sharing you decide which circles to share with. What you read is never shared unless you explicitly click the +1 button on a website – avoiding any nasty surprises.

With Google+ you are in control of what you share and with whom.

To the best of my knowledge all the ‘Like’ buttons on Crossdresser Heaven will only share once you click it and will continue to behave that way. If I discover anything to the contrary you’ll see all Facebook integration disappear from Crossdresser Heaven.

Please, be careful out there.

-Vanessa

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