Crossdresser Heaven

Fashion, makeup and body movement tips for crossdressers who want to look and feel more feminine

Categories: Vanessa’s Transgender Experience

I Found the Cure for Crossdressing

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Crossdressing Cure, Vanessa's Transgender Experience

Tags: cure for crossdressing

Comments: 4 Comments

Published on: September 6, 2011

To my lovely and faithful readers,

As I progress further in my journey to womanhood I’ve had ample time to reflect on where my voyage began. My first post to Crossdresser Heaven was the innocuously entitled ‘Hello‘ that I shared with the Internet on January 27th 2008 – 3 years, 7 months and 11 days ago. At the time I thought I was a crossdresser, embarking on this journey to understand these strange longings within me, and hopefully to purge this demon from my mind. Many of my earliest postings dwelled on how to cure crossdressing as I furiously sought to save my soul, sanity and the sureness of my marriage.

This wasn’t the first time that I had tried desperately to understand myself, but it was when I first began in earnest on a quest that would stop at nothing less than finding a cure. As constant readers would know, my journey was at times arduous and tiring, but the joy of self discovery kept me moving forward.

Today I’m here to share two things with you. The cure for crossdressing I discovered, and the launch of a new website to share my continued pilgrimage to gender enlightenment.

The Cure for Crossdressing

I transitioned in November 2010, and for the last 10 months I have neither crossdressed, nor felt any desire to. I’m not only comfortable in my gender expression and role, but happier than I have ever been. Cure would not be a generous enough word to describe my experience, because transitioning has done more than just remove uncomfortable compulsions. Transitioning has been like a rebirth – colors seem brighter, tastes are sweeter and life is more joyful than I could have ever dreamed or imagined.

Yet this is also why I need to find another way to share my gender sojourn in a more authentic manner. To be honest, I have struggled to share my inner self on Crossdresser Heaven lately because the title is no longer something I identify with. I’m not a crossdresser, and I found it difficult to be true when the very title of what I was sharing was not.

Follow Vanessa’s Authentic Journey to Womanhood at TransgenderHeaven.com

I feel compelled to share my story, if only to make one other person’s burden a bit lighter. I’m excited to announce a brand new website – one where I am comfortable sharing my truth again. I invite you to head on over to www.transgenderheaven.com and join me in my gender peregrination. You can also subscribe to receive regular updates from Transgender Heaven.

What will become of Crossdresser Heaven?

I have a deep love and care for all who are going through their own struggle with gender. Both for those whose struggle is internal, as well as those who stand alongside them. I have received hundreds of emails and notes from those who are desperately seeking answers – my heart goes out to them, and I couldn’t in good conscience let a valuable resource for the broader gender community fall into disrepair.

Crossdresser Heaven will continue to operate, with a renewed focus on those just beginning their exploration of gender. I will post more articles that are particularly relevant to crossdressers. From makeup and fashion tips, to questions about telling loved ones, or how to deal with the initial conflicting emotions. I think this will allow me to better serve the community, and let you get answers quicker to your questions.

I am excited about what lies ahead, and would be blessed if you would continue to be by my side.

With love and blessings,
Vanessa

You’re Beautiful

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Vanessa's Transgender Experience

Tags: transgender acceptance

Comments: 1 Comment

Published on: July 30, 2011

Blossoming in the love of acceptance

There are moments in life that reach into the deep of our soul and remind us how lovingly connected we can be with others. When someone sees for who you are and accepts you it’s as if time stands still. In an instant the core of your being opens up and is bared for them to see. Without judgement, or embarrassment or hesitation. Your truth blossoms like a flower in spring time, and their acceptance is a breeze gently flowing past. Touching, knowing and refreshing.

And there are still other moments that resonate so strongly our spirits can’t help but dance in unison. When someone knows you and looks deep within to see you – to truly see you – and loves you then words to describe it become nothing more than an inadequate attempt to describe shadows behind a dimly lit veil. It’s as if the flower of your soul has opened up, and the warmth of their sunshine gently cups your newly blossomed bud. Nurturing and drawing the light of your beauty skyward.

As many of you know, I recently had facial feminization surgery. The process of recovery is not pretty – your face is sore, bruised and swollen. The incisions are still red as the blood rushes to heal, and scars show through – on your head, under your nose, around your ears. You’re beat up and feeling like it.

Slowly, slowly healing takes place. Every day I wear a facial garment to keep the swelling in check, and at least 3 times a day it comes off for a massage to aid in healing. I’m blessed that my dad and his girlfriend are spending a month with me to help me recover. Tonight she had just taken my facial garment off to begin the massage when my dad turned to me and said two words with a depth and sincerity that shocked me to tears.

“You’re Beautiful”

So simple, so short and yet I felt time pause as my spirit basked in the light of his seeing me, knowing me, and loving me still so deeply. I began to softly cry as we shared a time where we were truly open in love for each other as we talked and hugged and held each other.

Tonight I go to sleep feeling loved, affirmed and encouraged.

Bruised, Swollen and Happy

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Facial Feminization Surgery, Vanessa's Transgender Experience

Tags: facial feminization surgery, ffs

Comments: 9 Comments

Published on: July 28, 2011

It’s been two weeks since my facial feminization surgery and I just wanted to drop a quick note to readers of Crossdresser Heaven to let you know that I’m okay. I sincerely appreciate all the good wishes, thoughts and prayers from you dear ladies during this time.

My surgery went well, but the road to recovery is still long. The bruising on my face is subsiding, but I’m still fairly swollen and I’m usually worn out after something as simple as going out to eat for lunch or driving to the grocery store.

I’m trying to write down as much as I’m able, so I can remember the experience and share thoughts and advice with those who are about to embark on this journey, but to be honest right now my energy levels are too low even for such a modest undertaking.

Blessings and thanks, I hope to write again soon.

The canvas that paints your smile and shares your soul

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Vanessa's Transgender Experience

Tags: facial feminization surgery, transgender surgery

Comments: 10 Comments

Published on: July 8, 2011

Dear readers,

In a few days I’ll embark on the next phase of my journey to let my true self shine for all to see. There have been many milestones along the way. Some have been relatively easy such as starting hormones. Others have been a momentous emotional occasion, like legally changing my name, and yet others have been filled with fear and trepidation as I went full time so many months ago.

The next milestone awaiting me promises to be be a physically challenging endeavor laced with emotional upheaval. A life changing surgery awaits me, in hours so short I can count them. Facial feminization surgery will be the first surgery of any kind that I’ve had, and the prospect looms even larger in front of me because of this.

Make no mistake, I’ve pondered long and hard the need for this surgery. I’m blessed that the ravages of testosterone on my body have left my face remarkably untouched. I have not needed to struggle as hard as some to blend in. While SRS is a non-negotiable necessity, some may view facial feminization surgery (FFS) as a narcissistic luxury. Yet those who would only be looking on the surface, and counting what their eyes can see not what their heart cannot hear.

For the first time in my life, I look in the mirror with love for the person staring back at me. Yet even amidst this love my soul harbors a deep disquiet. As if a past before memory calls out to me in a mocking tone, reminding me of all the ways I’m not complete. It’s like looking into the cool oasis waters and seeing a mirage of yourself, wondering whether the real person exists.

As many times as I ask myself, my answer is always, “Yes, I need this to be whole. To be who I am.”.

So, to the lovely ladies of Crossdresser Heaven, I ask for your love, prayers and thoughts of care at this time. You may not hear from me for a while as I recover unless the writing inspiration strikes me with force and I can schedule a few articles in advance.

Blessings,
Vanessa

The Misty Future

by Vanessa Law

Categories: Vanessa's Transgender Experience

Tags: transgender realities

Comments: 4 Comments

Published on: May 6, 2011

Good evening dear readers,
I must admit that I’ve missed you – I’ve missed your love and support, I’ve missed sharing my stories with you, I’ve missed pouring my emotions and thoughts and ideas out onto the canvas that is the Internet.

My words scream from within me – I’m a transgender woman who has experience sorrow and joy, hope and despair, longing and fulfillment. Yet, even at this stage, I still know that my journey has not even begun. Even as I plan my surgeries, even as I’ve been full time for 6 months, I still know that life has so much more to offer me – so much more lurks ahead.

Yet the future is misty.

I think, sometimes that the future stretches before us, beckoning us to discover what it holds. It’s the first time you share your cross dressing secret with another. It’s the first time you go out in public as a woman. It’s the first time you admit that it is more than a passing fancy. And in that moment you embrace the misty future.

Tonight I feel pensive. My heart is filled with happiness, yet my eyes cry tears of lonely sorrow. It’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I must admit that it’s been a roller coaster of emotions for me – even when I’m with others I feel as though I’m alone. When I’m with my transgender friends I’m embraced by our shared challenge, yet long to live the normal life of a woman in the world. When I’m with my other friends I feel that they only understand me in part. They accept me, and my girlfriends nourish that part of me that is yet beginning to flower. Yet I can feel the distance from my true self. I can feel the small, silent gap between us.

Dear readers, I apologize today for my rambling, and I apologize for the format of this post (to this I blame my new iPad and it’s shiny yet rudimentary goodness). But have you felt this way?

When you’re alone, do you feel the unknown stretching before you, and wonder if you’ll be okay? I’m haunted by the future of being alone, of wandering single within this world, and just the other day I had an experience which gave me hope.

I was standing in the lunch line at work, minding my business, looking forward to the yummy deliciousness the chefs had prepared for me, when someone approached me. I didn’t recognize him, yet he began talking to me – telling me stories, asking me about myself. It took me a moment to realize that he was trying to chat me up. Now, I’d had approaches from men while out clubbing, and been ‘graced’ with their glances before, but never in the stark daylight had I been approached by a real person.

In my shock I stumbled, and mumbled, and probably gave him the impression that I was a stuck up girl. But inside my heart was doing backflips. Now, he wasn’t the Old Spice Guy, but he was talking to me, interested in me. And since then I’ve thought to myself, “It’ll be all right”.

Love is never certain, companionship is a blessing that may not last, but I think, I hope, I pray, I know, that I’ll be alright. It may take a while, but I’ll find that special someone. I guess it took a colleague at work I’d never met to open my eyes.

Hugs and blessings,
Vanessa

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