Crossdresser Heaven

You’re Not The Only One Embarrassed By Crossdressing

Life is a wonderful journey of discovery and marriage is a path along this journey. One where you get to learn more about yourself than just about any other time in life. Being transgendered is another path along that journey, one that is often times marred with the shame of crossdressing and the embarrassment of wearing women’s clothes.

I’ve spent most of my life coming to terms with my my desire to wear a bra and stockings, to dress and express myself as a woman. I’ve been through the shame of crossdressing, religious zeal for "righteousness", purges where I’ve said ‘Never again!’. I’ve also been through times of delight, transgendered indulgence and a feeling of wholeness. Through this experience I’ve learned to accept myself, and most of the time to overcome the shame and embarrassment of being a crossdresser - to live my life regardless of what society thinks.

But I recently made a fairly big mistake. Like a buffoon I overlooked my wife’s feelings - I forgot that she is also embarrassed by my crossdressing. While I’ve had many years to learn to overcome the stares and snickers - my wife is new at this. While I’ve had to overcome my crossdressing shame to live as who I am inside, my wife is doing it out of love for someone else.

The other day while we were out I was happy to indulge my crossdressing urges. We’d spoken about the plans for the trip before we left, and while we were out it didn’t occur to me that she would feel embarrassed as people watched me learn how to apply makeup.

One thing every husband knows (or should know!) is that when your wife says nothing is wrong, you better believe there is something wrong. It took a while for me to find out just how embarrassed she was, but when I finally did, lets just say that she "let me know in no uncertain terms".

In my eagerness to shield myself from the stares and snickers of others, I had accidentally shielded myself from the fears and concerns of someone I love dearly. I had focused on my wife’s support and encouragement, and forgotten that she has fears and concerns that are equally as valid.

I think there are two things I would do differently next time. Firstly I would make sure to pay attention to the subtle (and not to subtle) cues my wife sends me about how she’s feeling. A few minutes of crossdressing bliss is not as important as caring about your wife’s feelings - and showing her by doing things differently. Secondly I would ask her if there are certain things she’d rather I do alone. It’s tempting to spend every waking moment with your spouse, but there are certain things that are better experienced separate from each other.

Honey, I’m sorry for not considering your feelings. I love you.

—
P.S. Don’t make mistakes in crossdressing that could hurt your loved ones. Read My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd, or My Husband Wears My Clothes by Peggy Rudd.

I married a cross dresser

When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss - your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.

A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.

Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.

So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!

The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.

The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.

So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual

Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!

Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.

How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…

Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.

So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise - let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.

Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Cross Dresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.

Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!

Hugs,

Vanessa

P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives - they are often trying to tell us more.