The Keys To Crossdresser Success

One of the common misconception is that transvestism means your life is destined for a hard battle from one failure to the next. Dragging around your shame and guilt it seems as if crossdresser success and life success are mutually exclusive. Yet reality seems balanced on this question. While there may be many in the transgendered community who are struggling to come to terms with their transgendered nature and at the same time live a fruitful life, there are others who manage to do both.

What is crossdresser success?

I think the essence of success is being able to fully accept and live as who you are, while at the same time making a meaningful contribution to your family and society.

Recently on a forum that encourages crossdresser success, tekla made an insightful comment that with her permission I’ve shared:

I see all too often a linking between sex and the rest of the life deal. People can be successful, motivated, achieving people regardless of who they are attracted to. Nor, as a visit to the successful transitions website shows are there any lack of TS persons with PhD, or who are doctors, lawyers, professors and other accomplished careers.

I would speculate that the difference is not in who you are attracted to, or what your GID status is, but rather what you choose to do about it, how you work with it, incorporate it in your life or if you just sit somewhere and obsess about it.

I said somewhere else that most TS don’t need therapy, they need a life - and in the end, that’s all therapy will tell you to do, go out and be the person you think you are, the person that will make yourself (and maybe others) happy.

If you liked driving around to music, and I did, try riding a bike with some iTunes, or my favorite, a skiing soundtrack (Big band and rockabilly and bluegrass do very well) or just walk. You still don’t need a destination, I ride for miles and miles every day with no real point, just for the workout and to be out in the sun, and doing something. I take a camara, so I can take photos of some of the things I see.

I’ve always been ashamed of it like I am taking part in some demonic ritual.
Hopefully you will find a way around that shame, and it can become someother, better type of ritual, one of joy, acceptance, and exploration.

No matter what your looking for, I know that person, or persons are out there. Find out what kind of things such people might enjoy, and get involved in that, join a group or two, volunteer or something.

Well said tekla!

—
P.S. If you are struggling to find self-acceptance or the acceptance of others I highly recommend reading Helen Boyd’s book My Husband Betty.

Best Cross-dressing book: My Husband Betty

Last week I finished reading My Husband Betty, a book by Helen Boyd about Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser. I can honestly say that this is the best book I’ve read about the cross-dressing experience. Helen compassionately shares her struggles living with a crossdresser, exposes the hidden truths about cross-dressing that Tri-ESS doesn’t want you to know and shares the real experiences of other woman who live with crossdressers.

My Husband Betty Book

As mentioned in a previous article for women married to a cross-dresser, I still think Peggy Rudd’s book My Husband Wears My Clothes is a valuable resource. Peggy’s book is an excellent guide to cross-dressing 101. Helen’s book is more akin to Transgender 202.

The things I especially appreciated about Helen’s book are her frank and open discussions about cross-dressing and sexuality. This is a topic generally avoided by Tri-ESS, and other books about that discuss cross-dressing purely as a the expression of inner femininity.

I enjoyed Helen’s overview of all members of the transgender community, and discussing the difference between transsexual and transgender. Helen has a keen appreciation for where crossdressers fit into the larger transgender community, as well as some of the conflict that occurs between crossdressers and the same community.

Helen is also not shy to share the “darker side of crossdressing”, very vividly portrayed through the stories of wives and ex-wives of crossdressers. In some sense, the book could be titled “What your husband won’t tell you about crossdressing, but probably should.”

The Crossdressed Husband

My Husband Betty is valuable for the wife of a crossdresser, but I think the crossdressed husband has a duty to read this. An area that we often lack as crossdressers is empathy for our significant other. Resources that help us accept ourselves and share our transgendered nature with others are valuable, but often they don’t prepare us fully for the struggle our loved ones will have.

A highly recommended read - but be warned, My Husband Betty could shatter some of your preconceptions about crossdressers.

—
P.S. Have you ever wanted to be a better woman? Learn how to cross dress and pass as a woman

Crossdressers need to be seen to be accepted

A few weeks ago I wrote about what it would be like if crossdressing was normal. The sad truth, is that we aren’t doing what is necessary for crossdressing to become accepted in society. We are relying on the transsexual community to advocate for us. We are relying on the LGB community to include the transgendered in their activism and fight for equality. In short we are content to remain in the shadows until our battle has been won by someone else.

When crossdressers hide in the shadows we weaken our cause

When we nervously buy our clothes and makeup over the Internet we rob the world of a chance to know us. When we dress in private without telling, noone can see our beauty. When we keep to ourselves out of shame and guilt we give others a reason to believe we should feel shame and guilt.

Crossdressing through the three stages of acceptance

A few days ago my wife and I were talking about the three stages of acceptance in society:

• First you believe you are worthy of discrimination
• Second you believe you are worthy and no longer accept discrimination
• Finally you are worthy. The idea that you could be discriminated against seems ludicrous

Society takes many generations to move through these stages. Even with all the great work done by the feminist movement last century, woman haven’t achieved the final stage. The Democratic primary highlighted that sexism is still alive as chauvinistic pigs held up signs at Hillary Clinton rallies proclaiming “Iron my clothes”.

For a second, imagine a different world. Imagine a world where the idea that our daughters could be discriminated against seems strange. An anecdote from history, about as applicable to today’s times as the Latin language. Imagine a world where white and black alike are not just judged by the content of their character, but to think someone would do otherwise evokes laughter.

Woman, people of color and our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters have moved into the second stage. Unfortunately most crossdressers are still in the first stage. Too afraid of what they’ll lose to move on.

I understand (intimately) the guilt and shame that go along with crossdressing. I understand the fear of telling a loved one. I understand. I was there, sometimes I still am.

Be the change you want to see in the world

The distance between accepting ourselves and being accepted is generations. Perhaps even centuries. It has been said that we create the reality around us. That our expectations of what will happen are often fulfilled. Like attracts like.

If you believe in a world where we are worthy - be worthy. Today. Nothing will so powerfully reverberate through the universe as your proclamation:

I am who I am. Worthy of love and respect. I accept myself, and others accept me because I accept myself.

Crossdressers and Transsexuals are NORMAL

What is normal? We’d like to see normal as the sweet simple way that we’re taught through stories. That normal is a husband and wife who love each other, have two and a half children, a golden retriever and volunteer at the church on weekends. In fact our definition of normal doesn’t even begin to encompass the wonders of who we are as human beings. In trying to be “normal” we strive for bland sameness, hiding the uniqueness of who we are.

In Amy Bloom’s book entitled “Normal“, she explores the world of transsexuals, crossdressers and the intersexed. It is a must read for any crossdresser who wants to understand the world of the transgendered beyond the strict definitions imposed by Tri-ESS.

I was intrigued by the story of Lyle, a teenage transgender who started hormone treatment at the age of 14. With the blessing of his mother and father who sought doctor after doctor to understand what was causing Lyle to be so unhappy. Amy expresses support for hormone treatment for transgendered teenagers.

Amy does a good job expressing the differences between sexual orientation and gender identity. Though I found her treatment of “heterosexual crossdressers” overly harsh. Perhaps it is an expression of resentment I haven’t encountered, or perhaps it shows Amy’s bias against Tri-ESS, who have largely coopted a definition of crossdresser akin to the “normal heterosexual family man who goes to church, votes Republican and just happens to wear a dress for fun”.

“Heterosexual crossdresser bother almost everyone. Gay people regard them with disdain or affectionate incomprehension, something warmer than tolerance, but not much. Transsexuals regard them as men “settling” for crossdressing because they don’t have the courage to act on their transsexual longing, or else as closeted gay men so homophobic that they prefer wearing a dress to facing their desire for another man. Other straight men tend to find them funny or sad, and some find them enraging.”

Amy does a good job sharing the concerns of girlfriends and wives of crossdressers, and either accurately or callously observes how wives tolerate crossdressing even as the men get a childish thrill out of it.

I’ll share a few interesting nuggets from the book, though this article will hardly do it justice.

The ratio of men seeking to become woman and woman seeking to become men is almost the same - very different from previous statistics that suggest four men seek to become women for every woman who wants to become a man.

There are estimated to be about five thousand post operative transsexuals in the United States, though no formal statistics are kept.

I especially appreciated this quote, by a female to male transsexual. I think he expressed well the fears of transition, and a way to overcome them. “The transition was hard, but once I was completely male, people relaxed.”

The world of the intersexed was one I had not previously learnt about, and another good reason to read Normal by Amy Bloom.

The Transgender Companion is not worth it

Jennifer Seeley wrote the Transgender Companion, which claims that it is the complete guide to becoming the woman you want to be. Intrigued by this, I recently bought and read through the transgender companion.

Jennifer is a non-op, male to female transsexual, and unfortunately spends most of the time justifying her decision not to go through with sex reassignment surgery. Her approach in the book goes overboard in trying not to offend the reader by prefacing almost every opinion she puts forth with words like “this is only my opinion and it’s okay if you think otherwise”. After reading this for the tenth time I started to wonder if she was trying to communicate a hidden message - perhaps she believes there is something wrong with alternate views, and in an effort to appear welcoming she over emphasizes her openness?

The information about transitioning and presenting yourself more convincingly as a woman is okay, but nothing you couldn’t find searching the Internet for a weekend.

The most helpful part of the book was Jennifer’s emphasis on self acceptance and not overly focusing on any one part of your body that you don’t like. Whether it’s your height or broad shoulders, or something else that communicates your masculinity.

–

P.S. If you’re looking for a crossdressing guide worth reading go here. Learn how to cross dress and pass as a woman.

A Sex Change at 7…

Yesterday I was watching a video on CNN that discussed a clinic at the Children’s Hospital in Boston who were offering sex changes to children as young as seven years old. I must admit that my first reaction was shock. A sex change at seven?! That doesn’t even give you time to go through the confusing stage of adolescence.

I must admit, that at seven I had strong opinions about what I wanted: Mac & Cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner; To be an astronaut when I grow up; A puppy. The funny thing about a lot of what I wanted when I was seven - it all changed. Even though my wife and I are looking to get a golden retriever puppy, I can’t remember the last time I had Mac & Cheese.

Even though I wore my first woman’s clothes at four or five years old, I still could not imagine a child being certain enough to make changes that affect the rest of their life. I think my initial reaction mirrors some of the outcry against the clinic, which basically takes one of two forms.

The first argument is that a sex change is not right under any circumstance. You’re born with the body God gave you and changing sex is against His will. There are many rational, emotional and moral arguments against sex changes at any period in a person’s life. For anyone who is considering a sex change, I think it is important to understand the reasons not to have one. After studying both sides for a few years, I’ve come to the conclusion that having a sex change is not fundamentally wrong, yet it is a decision that must be weighed with all caution and care.

The second argument, is that a child of seven cannot possibly know that they want a sex change, and letting them take a decision at such a young age is potentially ruining their life. As you can see above, I think there is a lot of merit to this concern.

But what about the reasons for having a sex change at such a young age?

The clinic notes that such decisions are not taken lightly, and require deep involvement with the child, parents and psychologists. They say that a sex change will only be carried out if after careful study it is believed to be in the best interests of the child, and all parties are in agreement. This is a good start, and I would be outraged if this level of due diligence wasn’t done.

A compelling reason cited by their clinic and echoed by Helen Boyd in her (very well written) book My Husband Betty is: Most transsexuals exhibit strong gender dysphoria at a young age, a sex change before puberty hits would avoid many of the costly and painful surgeries and behavioral changes transsexuals need to undergo later in life. More importantly, many transsexuals become suicidal in trying to cope with their gender identity, transitioning early could prevent a transsexual from committing suicide.

While there is validity in these reasons, I believe the best way to help someone avoid suicide is to offer love, support and acceptance of who they are. Don’t try to change him. Don’t try to “make him a man”. Let him be who he is. Talk to him about his feelings and show him you care. Then if they are ready to transition they can make a fully informed choice with the support of loved ones.

P.S. Are you struggling with your gender identity? Gender is the first web-based gender clinic, and can help you understand your struggles with gender. I also recommend you see a qualified therapist before making any major life changing decisions.

Crossdressing has made me more human

I don’t remember the day I first found a name to describe the desire I had to wear woman’s clothes. Yet even before I knew what it was called, I realized there was something forbidden about it. My subconscious kept telling me

Crossdressing is wrong

At not more than four or five years old I umpired the struggle within me between my desire to wear woman’s clothes and the feeling inside that kept telling me, ‘this is wrong’. Somehow I knew that I needed to hide what I was doing from others.

Over the years my understanding of who I was grew. I learnt that I was not alone, and discovered the difference between transgender and transsexual.

I also learnt that

Crossdressing is not just a curse

many aspects of my personality were influenced by my desire to express the feminine inside of me. My wife tells me that she was attracted to me, in part because I’m a gentle, caring person. These traits I think come from the same place in me that longs for the feminine.

Yet to share this fact wasn’t why I decided to write the article. Many books on cross dressing, such as those by Peggy Rudd or Helen Boyd mention that crossdressers inherit some of the positive aspects of the feminine persona. Such as being more gentle.

Growing up I was a very absolute person. I had been taught in Sunday school that there was right and wrong, good and evil. One of the reasons I struggled so much with crossdressing early on, was because I felt it was morally wrong. You see, I had a fairly narrow definition of what was “acceptable” in a human being. If they didn’t meet the standard I’d set for them, then I judged them “unworthy” in some way. You don’t go to church? ‘unworthy’. You don’t show care for other people in the exact same way as I do? ‘unworthy’.

Coming to terms with my crossdressing made me realize that I, too, was unworthy. So my mind had given me a choice - either continue to judge other people harshly and reflect that same wrath onto myself, or learn to accept their differences. In my more recent vocabulary: Namaste.

Crossdressing has made me realize that we are all “flawed” in some way. Yet it is those very flaws which form the foundation for our beauty. Someone will always think we are too fat, too conservative, too old, too skinny, too liberal, too tall, too short, too loud, too quiet. What they are really saying is: “You are different from me. I haven’t yet accepted my differences, so I cannot accept yours.”

Wishing you a blessed week. Celebrate your differences!

—-

P.S. Celebrating your difference doesn’t mean you have to stand out. Learn how to cross dress and pass as a woman.

Crossdressing with a Millionaire Mind

This weekend my wife and I had the pleasure of attending the Millionaire Mind Intensive, it was one of the most enlightening and moving seminar I have yet to attend. It was held over 3 days here in Seattle, and we had the privilege to work through everything from our psychological association with money and wealth, to the emotional and spiritual aspects of our relationships to others and how this affects our “money blueprint”.

For those of you who haven’t attended, I highly recommend it. They have upcoming sessions in Montreal, San Francisco, Ft. Lauderdale, Detroit and Toronto - sign up now before they sell out.

I know many of my readers live outside North America, such as the UK and Australia. If you aren’t able to make the seminar, pick up a copy of the book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind.

Okay, I’ve expressed my enthusiasm, but you’re probably asking yourself, what does this have to do with crossdressing and the transgendered experience? Quite a lot, actually. In a previous article I shared the financial challenges the transgendered face. In this article I’d like to refer to two concepts that were emphasized at the Millionaire Mind Intensive and how they relate to crossdressers and the transgendered.

You are worthy! Just as you are. You don’t need to be richer, or thinner, or have better teeth. You are worthy of experiencing a wonderful life. In fact, God and the Universe deemed you so worthy, that you were born into this world. Often times as crossdressers we think that we are less worthy than others. That there is “something wrong with us”. That is not true! Never let anyone else tell you that you’re any less worthy of being alive. More importantly, don’t let your mind fool you into believing this either!

Namaste is a Hindu greeting that means: “I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Integrity, of Wisdom and of Peace, When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One”. This is an enlightened way to live, in your life with others and yourself.

It struck me how often we don’t honor that beautiful place in ourselves, believing we are unworthy. I spoke about that already, so I’m not going to go into more detail here. The other part of this, though, is that we honor that beautiful place in others. Even if they do not accept us, even if they try to tell us that we are an abomination and are going to hell. They have their own truth, and their own beautiful place of Love, Integrity and Wisdom. We are no more justified to call them unworthy than they are to call us unworthy.

I know I don’t have all the answers, please comment and let me know what you think.

Namaste.

Why do men cross dress - A follow up

Two weeks ago I wrote an article entitled why do men cross dress? and I asked you to write and tell me - why do you cross dress?

Thank you to all who responded, both on my blog and to my question in other forums. The responses fell into a few different categories:

1. I cross dress because it feels natural, “right”. When I crossdress I’m less cranky and feel stress relief. I feel complete, liberated, content.
2. I cross dress because I enjoy wearing woman’s clothes, with no particular desire to look or present myself as a woman. It’s fun.
3. Woman’s clothes are more exciting, prettier, more colorful.
4. I cross dress because I enjoy feeling feminine - presenting myself as a woman, behaving like a woman.
5. When I cross dress it’s sexually exciting - I get a thrill out of wearing woman’s clothes
6. When I cross dress I’m sexually excited by what I look like wearing woman’s clothes
7. I dress because I feel I really am a woman inside, and I’m just dressing in the clothes appropriate to my gender.

In writing this post, I felt compelled to express how different we all are - we each cross dress for different reasons, enjoy different types of clothing, and have different ‘end goals’ in mind. Imagine my surprise at a recent comment on my last crossdressing how to post, which said something to the effect of ‘Not everyone who cross dresses wants to pass as a woman’ and ‘it’s too bad your outlook on cross dressing is so narrowly focused’. Yikes!

As my regular readers know, I try hard to avoid being narrowly focused on any particular denomination of cross dressing. I apologize to my dear reader A if I came across otherwise.

I wonder if there is more behind this though. I recently received an email from a transsexual who said that there are regular flame wars on a forum she frequents between transsexuals and cross dressers. Yikes! again! Has the transgendered community become so diverse that we spend more time focusing on our differences than our similarities? I hope not. It’s only together that we will be able to change the hearts and minds of the world. Only united that we will usher in an age of tolerance and acceptance.

—

P.S. Ashamed of crossdressing? Hypnotize yourself into feminine beauty and never feel guilt again!

What Sex is your brain?

I love taking the tests for gender. I’m fascinated with the prospect that someone can take seemingly basic things about my life and expression, and tell something more fundamental about who I am, that I may not even realize. Of course, with any such test there is part science, part art, and part make believe, and we should never let the results from a test determine who we are.

Some of you are probably familiar with the COGIATI test, which stands for the mouthful of ‘Combined Gender Identity and Transsexuality Inventory’ (phew). This test is targeted to Male-to-Female, Pre-Operative people, and should be used as a basis for self-examination, and to consider whether further investigation should be pursued with a qualified therapist.

At the end of the test you are categorized into one of five categories:

1. Class 1 - Definite Male, typical of the sexual gratification-based, fetishitic transvestite
2. Class 2 - Feminine Male, mostly sexual / fetishistic but slightly gender involved crossdresser
3. Class 3 - Androgyne, the serious transgenderist
4. Class 4 - Probably Transsexual, most common type of transsexual (well over 70%)
5. Class 5 - Classic Transsexual, the rarest, early onset, ‘classic model of early research’ transsexual

Whenever I’ve taken this test, I either end up as:

• Class 3 - Androgyne, or
• Class 4 - Probably Transsexual

I think this shows two things: Firstly that our self perception varies over time, with our moods and our circumstances - something that is important to keep in mind for those who are contemplating a transition. Secondly, for me at least, cross dressing is more than just about feeling comfortable wearing woman’s clothes, but striving to be woman in mannerisms, behavior and thoughts. Whenever I have done this I get a sense of resonance, just as playing a chord on the piano perfectly matches two or three different notes to produce a harmonious sound.

For those who aren’t transgendered

The other day I found a great gender test on BBC, which is among one of the more scientific I’ve taken. They also allow everyone to play along, so you don’t need to be transgendered to take the test. My results are below, showing that my brain is slightly female. When my wife took the test she scored as the typical male (so perhaps we are equally yoked ).

What did you score? Did this match up with your expectations?

Before you rush off and make any big decisions based on a gender test, please heed these warnings. Have fun!

—

P.S. If you’re a woman inside, look your best by following tried and true advice from the world’s best crossdressing guide.