I know, I’m wearing a dress.
No, they’re not real.
Yes, that’s lipstick – Raspberry Rush actually.

*sigh*

Sexual Identity is a Tapestry of Color

The rest of the world is blessed in it’s ignorance. They get to lump all the “sexually deviant” folks into a single bucket of “them” (usually pronounced with a sneer). Sexuality, as with most things in life, is not so easily separated into black and white. Rather, it is a tapestry of colors that cover the gamut of sexual preference, gender identity and gender expression. With much of the common knowledge running aground as a transgender myth.

In my life being transgendered has forced me to confront my own sexuality. I identify, in part at least, as a woman and often seek to express this identity in the clothes I wear, the way I look and the activities I undertake.

In those moments when I identify as a man I’m quite confident in my heterosexuality. My wife’s movement, her body, her voice, her scent – they send my heart a flutter (among other things ).

When I am a woman, lets just say it gets more complicated. Though my lovely wife may not appreciate it, she still has a wondrous effect on me. I long for the feelings of protection, love, adoration, softness from one who is strong. Yet the thought of this being a man does not appeal to me. It’s as if I long to play the feminine part with a masculine partner who is not a man – Take that Freud!

My point in sharing is not to disclose details of my private life with you, or even to hold up myself as a prototypical example of all crossdressers, for surely this isn’t the case. I want to point out that the diversity of human sexuality is not confined to a few discrete points. It’s not possible to create a set of categories and use these to accurately define everyone, as is wonderfully captured by a poetic recounting of the third gender.

Live who you are. Love who you are. Define yourself by what is in your heart.

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A Transgender Rose By Any Other Name...

A label is such a funny thing. It can provide an identity, lend legitimacy to who we are, and create a community . Whether you’re a fan of a sports team, from a certain university or enjoy a particular hobby you have a label. Along with that label you are also granted a set of characteristics common to that group. Even before someone meets you, they already “know” who you are – A skydiver is a daring thrill seeker and a librarian is a stern intellectual. You’re stereotyped, for good or ill, regardless of whether the stereotype is apt.

Given the power of a stereotype, I’m hesitant to categorize those within the transgender community. The gender spectrum is so varied that I would be naive to think that I could provide an adequate description for all points along the spectrum, or even that I had identified the most interesting points. Yet in spite of this, I know that an article attempting to describe the gender spectrum can be a godsend for those who are just beginning their journey in gender diversity. Often, as I was starting out, you feel confused and alone. You may not even be aware that you’re struggling with gender identity.

Am I alone in my love for women’s clothing? Does this mean I’ll get a sex change? Am I gay?

I can’t answer all your questions in one article, or even a full publication – two author’s have tried in excellent books I highly recommend (My Husband Wears My Clothes and My Husband Betty). My goal is to share a few of the terms we use within the transgender community to describe ourselves – and to hear from the veterans what they think and where I may have misspoken.

So with that in mind…

Defining Transgender

Wikipedia has a good article on the transgender definition, but unfortunately I’ve found many other suspect answers on the Internet so be careful who you listen to. There are also some transgender myths you should avoid.

Transgender: Myself (and others) use this term as a broad umbrella term to encompass all people who have feelings of gender dysphoria, from the part time crossdresser to someone who has transitioned. In recent literature on the topic the term “cisgender” has been coined to be the opposite of transgender – where the inner and outer gender identity are consistent.

Crossdresser: A crossdresser is someone who dresses in clothes of the opposite gender for pleasure. This may be sexual or a desire to appear as the other gender (see: why do men crossdress). Many crossdressers I’ve spoken with describe the feeling associated with wearing clothes of the opposite gender as natural and relaxing.

Transsexual: A person who lives as a gender opposite that of their birth gender. They may or may not have had “the operation” to alter their genitals. Pre-op (before the operation), Post-op (after the operation) and no-op (Opting not to have the operation). It is considered quite rude to refer to a transsexual by their birth gender – whether or not they “pass”.

Drag Queen/King: A performer who appears as the opposite gender, typically for theatrical effect, whether dramatic or comedic. It’s a myth that all drag queens are gay.

Intersexed: Someone who is born with ambiguous genitals. More often than not the “mistake of nature” is “fixed” shortly after birth when the doctor or parents choose a gender for the baby. This can result in a lifetime of struggle and shame (see the Intersex Society of North America for more details).

Genderqueer: Defying even the more liberal gender categorizations I’ve provided above, those who identify as gender queer typically break all stereotypes associated with gender and display the gender identity and gender expression they feel most suits them.

Have I missed anyone? Mischaracterized anyone? Let me know, I’m eager for your comments and feedback.

What’s your gender identity?

[poll id="7"]

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What is crossdresser success?

I think the essence of success is being able to fully accept and live as who you are, while at the same time making a meaningful contribution to your family and society.

Recently on a forum that encourages crossdresser success, tekla made an insightful comment that with her permission I’ve shared:

I see all too often a linking between sex and the rest of the life deal. People can be successful, motivated, achieving people regardless of who they are attracted to. Nor, as a visit to the successful transitions website shows are there any lack of TS persons with PhD, or who are doctors, lawyers, professors and other accomplished careers.

I would speculate that the difference is not in who you are attracted to, or what your GID status is, but rather what you choose to do about it, how you work with it, incorporate it in your life or if you just sit somewhere and obsess about it.

I said somewhere else that most TS don’t need therapy, they need a life – and in the end, that’s all therapy will tell you to do, go out and be the person you think you are, the person that will make yourself (and maybe others) happy.

If you liked driving around to music, and I did, try riding a bike with some iTunes, or my favorite, a skiing soundtrack (Big band and rockabilly and bluegrass do very well) or just walk. You still don’t need a destination, I ride for miles and miles every day with no real point, just for the workout and to be out in the sun, and doing something. I take a camara, so I can take photos of some of the things I see.

I’ve always been ashamed of it like I am taking part in some demonic ritual.
Hopefully you will find a way around that shame, and it can become someother, better type of ritual, one of joy, acceptance, and exploration.

No matter what your looking for, I know that person, or persons are out there. Find out what kind of things such people might enjoy, and get involved in that, join a group or two, volunteer or something.

Well said tekla!

—
P.S. If you are struggling to find self-acceptance or the acceptance of others I highly recommend reading Helen Boyd’s book My Husband Betty.

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My Husband Betty Book

As mentioned in a previous article for women married to a cross-dresser, I still think Peggy Rudd’s book My Husband Wears My Clothes is a valuable resource. Peggy’s book is an excellent guide to cross-dressing 101. Helen’s book is more akin to Transgender 202.

The things I especially appreciated about Helen’s book are her frank and open discussions about cross-dressing and sexuality. This is a topic generally avoided by Tri-ESS, and other books about that discuss cross-dressing purely as a the expression of inner femininity.

I enjoyed Helen’s overview of all members of the transgender community, and discussing the difference between transsexual and transgender. Helen has a keen appreciation for where crossdressers fit into the larger transgender community, as well as some of the conflict that occurs between crossdressers and the same community.

Helen is also not shy to share the “darker side of crossdressing”, very vividly portrayed through the stories of wives and ex-wives of crossdressers. In some sense, the book could be titled “What your husband won’t tell you about crossdressing, but probably should.”

The Crossdressed Husband

My Husband Betty is valuable for the wife of a crossdresser, but I think the crossdressed husband has a duty to read this. An area that we often lack as crossdressers is empathy for our significant other. Resources that help us accept ourselves and share our transgendered nature with others are valuable, but often they don’t prepare us fully for the struggle our loved ones will have.

A highly recommended read – but be warned, My Husband Betty could shatter some of your preconceptions about crossdressers.

—
P.S. Have you ever wanted to be a better woman? Learn how to cross dress and pass as a woman

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When crossdressers hide in the shadows we weaken our cause

When we nervously buy our clothes and makeup over the Internet we rob the world of a chance to know us. When we dress in private without telling, noone can see our beauty. When we keep to ourselves out of shame and guilt we give others a reason to believe we should feel shame and guilt.

Crossdressing through the three stages of acceptance

A few days ago my wife and I were talking about the three stages of acceptance in society:

• First you believe you are worthy of discrimination
• Second you believe you are worthy and no longer accept discrimination
• Finally you are worthy. The idea that you could be discriminated against seems ludicrous

Society takes many generations to move through these stages. Even with all the great work done by the feminist movement last century, woman haven’t achieved the final stage. The Democratic primary highlighted that sexism is still alive as chauvinistic pigs held up signs at Hillary Clinton rallies proclaiming “Iron my clothes”.

For a second, imagine a different world. Imagine a world where the idea that our daughters could be discriminated against seems strange. An anecdote from history, about as applicable to today’s times as the Latin language. Imagine a world where white and black alike are not just judged by the content of their character, but to think someone would do otherwise evokes laughter.

Woman, people of color and our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters have moved into the second stage. Unfortunately most crossdressers are still in the first stage. Too afraid of what they’ll lose to move on.

I understand (intimately) the guilt and shame that go along with crossdressing. I understand the fear of telling a loved one. I understand. I was there, sometimes I still am.

Be the change you want to see in the world

The distance between accepting ourselves and being accepted is generations. Perhaps even centuries. It has been said that we create the reality around us. That our expectations of what will happen are often fulfilled. Like attracts like.

If you believe in a world where we are worthy – be worthy. Today. Nothing will so powerfully reverberate through the universe as your proclamation:

I am who I am. Worthy of love and respect. I accept myself, and others accept me because I accept myself.

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