A few weeks ago I wrote about what it would be like if crossdressing was normal. The sad truth, is that we aren’t doing what is necessary for crossdressing to become accepted in society. We are relying on the transsexual community to advocate for us. We are relying on the LGB community to include the transgendered in their activism and fight for equality. In short we are content to remain in the shadows until our battle has been won by someone else.
When crossdressers hide in the shadows we weaken our cause
When we nervously buy our clothes and makeup over the Internet we rob the world of a chance to know us. When we dress in private without telling, noone can see our beauty. When we keep to ourselves out of shame and guilt we give others a reason to believe we should feel shame and guilt.
Crossdressing through the three stages of acceptance
A few days ago my wife and I were talking about the three stages of acceptance in society:
- First you believe you are worthy of discrimination
- Second you believe you are worthy and no longer accept discrimination
- Finally you are worthy. The idea that you could be discriminated against seems ludicrous
Society takes many generations to move through these stages. Even with all the great work done by the feminist movement last century, woman haven’t achieved the final stage. The Democratic primary highlighted that sexism is still alive as chauvinistic pigs held up signs at Hillary Clinton rallies proclaiming “Iron my clothes”.
For a second, imagine a different world. Imagine a world where the idea that our daughters could be discriminated against seems strange. An anecdote from history, about as applicable to today’s times as the Latin language. Imagine a world where white and black alike are not just judged by the content of their character, but to think someone would do otherwise evokes laughter.
Woman, people of color and our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters have moved into the second stage. Unfortunately most crossdressers are still in the first stage. Too afraid of what they’ll lose to move on.
I understand (intimately) the guilt and shame that go along with crossdressing. I understand the fear of telling a loved one. I understand. I was there, sometimes I still am.
Be the change you want to see in the world
The distance between accepting ourselves and being accepted is generations. Perhaps even centuries. It has been said that we create the reality around us. That our expectations of what will happen are often fulfilled. Like attracts like.
If you believe in a world where we are worthy – be worthy. Today. Nothing will so powerfully reverberate through the universe as your proclamation:
I am who I am. Worthy of love and respect. I accept myself, and others accept me because I accept myself.
The hardest step is self acceptance. Once you get over the purging and/or the cycle of guilt, it’s suddenly a very different world. A rather fun one actually
> the fear of telling a loved one
It’s not just the fear of their reaction, but if you were to go out into the big wide world regularly, what would the effect be on your family and friends? I can take the looks and the occasional laugh, but would I want to walk down the street dressed as a women with my kids in hand? Should I expose them to that?
I know that some of the TS community do that (and good luck to them), however for the majority of TVs, I think steps into the outside world are fleeting.
In terms of ‘rights’ or visibility during my working life, I can think of a few out gay people and a couple of TS folk, but trannys? I can’t think of anyone in a work environment who is ‘out’.
Yesterday, I approached a decent looking woman in guy mode, chatted her up about work and asked her about her outfit. Candidly, but not guiltily, I told her I was a crossdresser and that I really liked the cut of her skirt. I asked her what the style was. She wasn’t much more put off than she might be if I (a stranger), walked up and chit chatted about nothing.
I felt better afterwards because I felt that I did put myself out there and did it with dignity in a non-threatening way. My hope is that perhaps she’ll think about it and come to see me as human (we smoke in the same outdoor square). Baby steps, baby!
You make a good point about considering the repercussions on friends and family. By being “out” people will know, but you also get to control how it happens. When you get “found out”, you lose control over how and when your crossdressing is communicated. But it’s not an easy thing.
Should you expose your child to such looks and laughter. Yikes. I can’t pretend to know how I would feel as I don’t yet have kids. This choice is our luxury as part time crossdressers. Our choices have a consequence for the world that will be created.
It’s not as simple as putting a loved one before or after societal change, but I think also has ramifications on who our children become. Do we want our children growing up to know that it is okay to be ashamed of who you are? That it is okay to be one person in private, and another in public? I think it’s even more complicated than that. Okay, enough rambling about transgender philosophy for me – yikes, and it’s not even 11am…
I do know someone who is out as a tranny in the work environment (she even met her boss at the club one night and both seemed quite cool with it). But that’s the exception, not the rule.