It’s been a while since I’ve felt the darkness clawing at my soul, since I’ve struggled against the suffocated night while clutching desperately to the last life in me that silently sets.
This morning I stared into an abyss I had long thought banished from my life as I contemplated ending it all. The crushing weight of who I must free crashed against the loved ones I must hurt. I felt the tear inside myself as pain battled against heartbreak, as my crystal clarity was engulfed in a swirling maelstrom of confusion.
It started innocently with my wife asking me to “be a boy” for a breakfast out we had planned this morning. Within moments clouds had rolled in over my countenance and I could feel a churning deep in my core. I felt sick, dizzy and could not imagine another moment pretending to be a man. In a panicked anxiety I saw all the many days ahead of me that I would need to fill with lies and deception. All the many months still to come that I must hide who I am, and for just a moment felt the only release would be in taking my own life.
The deepest darkness passed soon after, but the threatening thunder clouds still darken my day. I cannot live without hurting those I care about the most. Yet to keep them from harm would mean I could no longer exist. The only way forward is through the valley. I may lose all I have – my friends, my family, my livelihood and my possession, yet the alternative is to lose all I could ever have. To forfeit any hope and promise for the future. I hear Jesus’ words echo within me, ”What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?” (Luke 9:25)
Goodbye, Darkness, My Old Friend,
You know that’s not the way I’ll end.
P.S. For those of you who are seriously contemplating suicide I strongly encourage you to read an article I wrote about transgender suicide, and to get professional help as soon as possible. Before you do anything, call the folks at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – their number is 1-800-273-8255.
I’ve stood many a time before the chasm with my eyes closed ready to jump. And just as often I’ve found joy and promise in my life at having stepped away. As I quoted a song when recalling Esprit 2010:
You don’t know how tall you stand until you fall,
That’s what valleys are for.
If they love you they will accept you. If they do not love you then they will not. So losing those that do not accept you means you are losing nothing. Might be harsh but it is only my opinion so take it for what it is worth to you. Though I do hope it helps.
Stephenie
Venessa, I just read this and I know your time has passed of the anguish, and all you can see the abyss gaping wide. Before my wife of 28 years passed I was in the purge and toss mode, she would be at work , i would dress, before she came home, it would go to good will. Until I said one time, Stop, Stop it. So i started placing my "clothes in closets she never went into… Then one day as I stood there dressed I got a call. You wife has fallen and she was taken to the hospital with serious head injury (she was a sever diabetic and had very low blood sugar, her legs buckled and down she went, and so did my freedom of dressing. I quickly took my my heels, skirt , blouse and pulled on jeans, loafters, shirt and out the door. in the car I realized I didnt take off the bra or panties or stockings. I could feel them under neath, keeping my legs smooth, the bra felt secure. I got to the hospital and found her in a room. hooked up to all sorts of whirling and beeping gismos. She didnt care what I had on under my boy clothes just as long as I was there. My life changed that day as she was now in a wheel chair, they had to amptutate her left foot because of a bad infection. So I became selfless in assisting her.
then I rememberd, I could still survive in boy mode , her dr appts et all , I would just put on my panties, stockings, bra , pull on my pants , shirt and out the door we would go. she know knowing anything and me well , dont most women wear pants and shirts now anyway, So what I am saying is I found a part of the girl in me not having to sacrifice her for having to be the man of 28 yrs marriage she wanted me to be. But I still had my Robyn clothes, and found them more comforting as i became aware of them the night she passed. SO at times, compromise is a good start, whats under the outter clothes does not matter..
It was so nice meeting you at espirt. I look forward to next year.
Robyn
Hello,
I am still have the idea that there is no hope, for I haven't seen any help from anyone.
It sure seems to me from the various forums that I am on that many of us get frustrated often.We want the space to be who we want to be,yet there is the guilt conflict of others counting on us to be the person that they thought we were. Even for many that were out as TG prior to any relationship,everyone's partner takes the seriousness of our"mental condition" differently. Many partners are supportive but are hoping that it goes away like a passing hobby,eventually.They only see the "more useful man" in us. I feel for you. Hugs,Rogina
Hi Vanessa, I feel your pain as many of us do. It took me about 60 years to finally understand myself, thanks especially to Dr Cerise Richard’s seminar in Fall of ’09. I am now amazingly able to understand myself as transgender, to understand so much about the past that I did not understand, and accept myself and be comfortable in both gender presentations. As I wrote before, take baby steps, a day at a time, listen, learn, look for God’s guidance when it’s there and try not to get ahead of yourself. Love you, JamieGhee
Everyone has a lot of hurt, and as a woman, your supersensative. Realise this and save yourself a lot of grief. A lot of hurt is simply in your head. You can hurt yourself out of insecurity or niavety more than anyone can hurt with words. Thats part of life. Face it, its a tough world, but keep on track and no one will really hurt you, as your heart is strong as spring steel. Walk on among the people with pride, as you are you, and nobody else. Your their equal, and more. God bless you all. carol Ann