One of the most frequent questions I’m asked on comments at Crossdresser Heaven or through private email is:
How Do I Tell My Wife I Crossdress?
I can feel the fear and uncertainty as I read the words of husbands, some of whom are to the point of despair. How will my wife react when she finds out her husband is a crossdresser? Will she leave me? What’s the best way to tell her I crossdress?
When answering I try and share some advice based on my experience, the experience of others I know and from resources I’ve read. Unfortunately there is no “one size fits all” answer. Each person is unique, the dynamics of each couple are unique. When one wife hears of her husband’s crossdressing she may feel revolted, another may look forward to going out with her new girlfriend – and in case you feel I’m exaggerating on the latter point, I encourage you to read My Husband Betty.
All this is to say, I share this advice from my heart with the best intentions. I encourage you to carefully consider your unique relationship as you decide whether and how you will share your crossdressing with your wife.
Telling Your Wife You Crossdress – A Case Study
Peggy and Melanie (aka Mel) are probably the most famous crossdressing couple. Peggy’s book My Husband Wears My Clothes is one of the most well-known and widely read books on crossdressing from a wife’s perspective. I thought it might be valuable to start with how Mel first told Peggy that he was a crossdresser. Watch Peggy and Mel’s story in the video below:
Mel did a few things right when he told Peggy:
- He was sincere and vulnerable. Mel poured his heart out, sharing his life story about how he’d been dealing with crossdressing since a young age. This is not the time to get defensive, to try and justify yourself or force your wife to understand.
- He emphasized again that he loved her. When hearing their husband is a crossdresser many women wonder if they’re still loved – is he gay? Can he still love me and wear woman’s clothes?
- He gave her time. Initially it was a few hours as Peggy read and digested his letter, but the journey to shared understanding happened over time without being rushed.
- He shared what he knew about crossdressing. We’re more fortunate today, there are many resources to draw on, but even then many women – especially the older generation – have no understanding, or only a vague misunderstanding of crossdressing (read the myths of crossdressing).
I think part of the reason Peggy and Mel are still happily married is because he shared his secret in such a loving, vulnerable and caring way.
Peggy has commented that, “Crossdressers make really good husbands once you get past the shock of breaking away from the expected”
Telling Your Wife You’re a Crossdresser:
Vanessa Tells Her Wife She’s a Crossdresser
Telling my wife-to-be was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I feared that I would lose her, that the person I love most in the world would leave me and not look back. I had tried many times before then to quit crossdressing, each time without success. I knew that my desire to crossdress wouldn’t go away with the wedding vows, and that living a lie to save my marriage would eventually end up tearing me – tearing us – apart. Knowing didn’t make it any easier.
A few months before we were to get married I wrote my fiance a letter and laid my heart bare. I told her how much I loved her, how much I feared hurting her – losing her. I shared the agony of my decision to tell her, my experience since I was a young child. I shared my attempts to break free from crossdressing, my confusion, heartache and my eventual acceptance of who I was. I let her know that I love her, that we can talk through it at her pace, that this doesn’t change anything about how I feel about her. I told her that I wasn’t gay, that I had no desire for a sex change (completely true at the time). Along with the letter I enclosed a copy of Peggy’s book – My Husband Wears My Clothes.
Talking through it in the early days with my fiance was at many times an emotionally taxing experience. My wife and I still have long, sometimes passionate, sometimes difficult conversations about crossdressing. Yet I still consider that one of the great blessings in my life is the advice I got from friends to tell her before we were married. This gives her a chance to work through it in her own time, without feeling trapped by marriage, without resenting you for tricking her into marriage and then telling her you’re a crossdresser.
I’m almost certain that if I hadn’t told her then that we would no longer be together today. It’s still important for me to remember to go at her pace, not to rush her into it, and to respect her desire for some space and time to think.
Have you shared your crossdressing with those you love?
Please comment and let us know how you did it, what worked and what didn’t. I know that others who read this website will find your comments and thoughts a blessing.
Ladies – has your husband shared his crossdressing with you? What did he do well and where did he totally blow it?
If you’re here to learn more about crossdressing – perhaps your husband or boyfriend is a crossdresser – I wrote an article a few months ago entitled “I married a crossdresser“. Perhaps with time, love and understanding from your husband you may realize as Peggy did, “I realized that, perhaps it was the feminine side I’d fallen in love with anyway”.
I have been married for 30 years raised 3 good kids into adulthood.Have had a tremendusly loving marriage but for a few quirks.I love my wife and kids but if they found out I cross dress and love being with men it would be over.There has been a lot of relatives in the family that turned gay or died of aids and some girls act as if boys I say do what makes you happy and have a good relation ship with your mate.My wife found in the back seet of my pickup a small carry case with stockings panties mini skirt and slip on shoes and bra.She totally came apart and thot i was seeing another woman or wanted to know if I cross dressed I told her they were left in the truck from a co. workr I had given a ride to it settled her down but she still has suspicious thoughts she had asked if they were mine but I said what I did because of the heteralsexual aspect of it and how the world portraies male life.At a young age I was sexually molested by my brother and sister and cousins all of the time after I got older molestation just found me and I just went along with what ever the person wanted to do to me.I had freinds in school,at jobs,met at stores,truck drivers ,farmers you name it it happened to me. the wife and I went to see a sycologist but O never let out what or how I really would like to be only because my wife sayes it makes her sick to her stomache as she is a christian and I don’t think she would accept me am very afraid of losing everything. By the way I consider my self as being a transexual ,long hair , shaven and support a32c cup bra.My wife sees this and say’s well older men develope breasts for I am 60 yo and my wife is 8 yrs. younger I really don’t know what to do may be just keep on living a lie to my self and keep punishing my self .terriannlucher@rocketmail.com
between the age of 13 to 15 a family friend molested me, at times he would dress me as a little girl. And i would wear my Mom’s clothes off and on after. When I got married i would wear my wife’s clothes when she was out, One day after being married for about 4 yrs out of the blue she said “I’d like to dress you as a girl”, I thought I died and gone to heaven. She proceeded to have me shave, and dressed me top to bottom, makeup and all. It lasted about a year then life got in the way, For years I would still dress when she was gone, until last year, I asked her to be my Mistress and make me her fem sissy, after giving it some thought she agreed and we have been doing so ever since. I am now en femme 3-4 days a week, serving her and have become her housewife, she buys me clothes, as I am to dress a certain way, and has taken the male role and i the female role in all aspects from housework to bedroom. We live far enough out that I can go outside fem and work. Every morning she lays out my clothes for the day and I dress as she likes. We have been married 40 yrs and are closer now than at ant other time and she enjoys having Millie around, At the 90 day mark we had a commitment ceremony, where she gave me a woman’s ring, ankle bracelet, and a white leather lace trimmed w/ pink roses collar, as I pledged my servitude to her. It has been wonderful be her little housewife and taking care of her.
I loved this story
I got a whole lot out of this mainly that I should be bold and tell my wife of 30 some years that I consider myself to be a woman and love to cross dress in long drives and have been out in public with a skirt on.The thing stopping me is the fact is she doesn’t like anything to do with gay lesbian transsexual or any thing like that say’s it is discusting I do love her and she found a bag of womans cloths once in my pickup but i said they weren’t mine.Allthough I believe she suspects as long as I keep it a secret I am fine I don’t know
My wife knows that I like wearing lingerie for erotic fun. We’ve had fun in the past a couple of times and she’s assured me that she’s open to it and willing to participate but I seem to be resisting the opportunity, which is frustrating for us both.
I can’t seem to get past the fear that she is just tolerating this fetish and that I will look rediculous in her eyes or something.
I’m trying to think of a way to make it fun – for us both – and haven’t come up with a great plan yet. We have played at bondage a little and get each other off very well. I just have to come up with a plan rather than just jump out in a kinky outfit and say lets do it.
Open to hear any thoughts. Feel rather stupid having the opportunity and being afraid to jump on it. I really don’t want to be anything but a plus in her life.
This is a really tough spot. I was in an extremely similar situation. Married to an active Mormon woman, I had a secret pantyhose fetish that I’d harbored since I was a kid. I tried bringing it up to her once, and it was difficult. I’ve since then had a lot of success with opening up about it, though. I have written about it more: http://www.HowDoITellMyWife.com Good luck, my friends!
I told my wife that I crossdress when I first met her. She seemed kind of into it then. She even let me dress for her once or twice. But then things changed and she no longer wanted me to crossdress ever again. I was confused, and had no idea what to do. So I secretly started to wear panties, and when she caught me I told her it was because I ran out of male underwear. She didn’t like it, but also didn’t tell me to stop. How can I tell her that crossdressing is who I am, and that I can’t just stop. If anyone else has any experience like this let me know how I should proceed.
Yeah that’s kind of strange on her end why she stopped becoming accepting of it out of nowhere. You have to let her know that CD is apart of your life and she’s gonna have to accept it. What you can do is just push the envelope a bit and stop hiding it from her and just start CDing regularly around her where it forces her to become accepting of it. I can’t speak on the state of your marriage but since CDing is a huge part of your life it could be a deal breaker in the long-term. If you’re satisfied with your wife with every other issue in your life then that’s obviously not necessary but she its her duty to more than it is yours to start accepting what you do.
Just push the envelope and start CDing more often around her forcing her to accept it.
[...] or for those who are depend on someone else such as teenagers. Crossdressers should read How To Tell Your Wife You Crossdress, and teenagers should look at Teenage CrossdressersMy Experience Coming Out As A Transgender [...]
Nearly 5 years ago, I met my soulmate who is now my wife. When we first met, I told her that I like to crossdress and that I'm bisexual. She told me to choose…either we become a couple or just stay as friends. And so, we became a couple. We bought some sex toys but I used them alot more than her and she used them on me. Until this day, our sex life is not too good, because I always want her to start first.
During the time, we have been together, she has caught me crossdressing, and I've tried to promise her that I won't do it again.
Just before we got married, I cheated on her. I was seeing one of my colleagues and then after that a ladyboy who I fell in love with cos' she gave me the freedom to crossdress. When my wife found out, I thought it would be best for us to break up. We didn't. For some time, she gave me the freedom to dress up only when her family and her weren't around. Then, she changed her mind as it was hurting her a lot.
These “support” groups just condemn those of us who tell our “husband” to leave if he is going to do it. As a wife who will not tolerate it–especially since I have been deceived my entire marriage–I find no support anywhere.
Hi ChrisD
Your post was 3 months ago and I hope you are still with your husband.
I am a cross dresser and look at it as a pleasent hobby, not a sleasy sexual fettish, although it is a compulsion.
As you can see from the information on this site he wont stop.
You seem to love him more than you hate his cross dressing so please dont leave him, and allow him to indulge in his hobby. However when he finds out you will allow him to and not leave him he probably go overboard and cross dress most of the time.
If this makes you uncomfortable you need to set realistic boundaries that will suit the two of you.
He may want to go ouside cross dressed and maybe risk take about being seen, as it is a rush for us cross dressers, this seems to be embarrassing and uncomfortable to many wives so don’t allow it. Just being able to cross dress in the privacy of your own home should be enough for him to persue his compulsion. If he needs to take his cross dressing further then let him get more and different woman’s clothing. Keep it secret and let him cross dress and it will strenthen his love for you, and in strengthening his love, then hopefully strengthing your love for him and you can have a happy life together.
This is not a healthy relationship, your CDing is a deal breaker and if she’s not accepting of it then this relationship needed to end a long time ago, you should’ve gotten out of it and went with your ladyboy. You’re not going to stop CDing so its going to be impossible for her not live with it.
The only thing that I agree with is not wearing feminine clothing when company is around b/c I do the same but when company is not around you should be able to CD with no problems.