When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Cross Dresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
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Vanessa is a happily married 30 year old transgendered woman from Seattle. It's been a long road to acceptance for her, despite the fact that she has been crossdressing for more than 25 years. Sometimes, when she looks in the mirror she longs to see the girl that lives
within her. 
61 Comments
> Crossdressing often times slows down
> as one grows into their twenties
I wish someone had told me that when I was 22
Joking aside, I think (and to use a cliche) in my heart of hearts, I knew that I’d be back. So, thanks for sharing.
I met my future wife when we were both in our 20s. At that time I was – for want of a better word – ‘clean’ or ’straight’. I really thought I could stay on the wagon but much later on…. ‘course we all know how that little tale ended.
It’s a little over 10 years since I told her and H does her best to cope. I know she sometimes wishes I wasn’t like this (so do I some days) but it’s not the end of a marriage if you keep talking and comprimise is necessary. As someone once said, TG folk have had 10 – 20 years to get their heads around it, but wives and girlfriends? Only a fraction of that time.
Hehe
Yes. There’s always that small hope we have out grown cross dressing.
I can relate to what you’re saying – I think the thrill of going out with someone we’ll grow to love makes us forget about cross dressing. Mis leading us into thinking that we’re “cured”.
You said it right – if you keep talking and compromise. I think because we’re forced to do that with cross dressing, it may actually build a stronger marriage.
Thanks for you comments Lynn, I enjoy reading them!
Hugs,
Vanessa
i from turkey.
I crossdress, it turns me on, but i hate myself for it
Well, I am in a difficult position, my Wife doesn’t know yet and on the other side I’m afraid to tell Her because it seems to me that She wouldn’t like the news. Of course, when I’m home alone I use Her’s nylons and garters (which I bought for Her ‘cos I told Her I like it madly – but I never told Her I like to wear it also
her shoes (with a little of pain because these are smaller) and I dream about She and I going out at the evening and me wearing her pantyhose under my trousers and only She and I would know it. This situation, I mean, only a thought about it turns me on. But I’m afraid it will never happen becuse I don’t know how to tell Her.
HELP PLEASE!
Hi, You should tell her soon. I told my wife before we were married. I didn’t want to hide it from her. My wife is very open minded. After the shock, she did some research on her own, and we talked about it alot. It’s great now! I’m into lingerie. She asks me if I want to get pretty, about once a week. I love to wear a bra !!! She know that. She tells me how pretty I look when I’m wearing my bra. We go bra shopping alot. It is alot of fun wearing pretty bras and panties out when only you and your wife know. Good luck!!
I agree with Becca, that honesty is important in marriage. While timing of the decision is very personal, the longer you wait the more betrayed she will feel. And as Becca says, there could be some unexpected benefits
When I started dating my now boyfriend I never once thought, “What would I do if he was a crossdresser?”. As our relationship started to grow I would go to his house and would start finding ladies panties around. I would feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I kept my mouth closed for several weeks then I could not stand it any more. I confronted him about it. He came clean about it and told me that he enjoyed dressing in women’s clothing. Acourse after I picked my jaw up off the floor I was able to talk to him about it. I asked him why he just did not tell me about what he enjoyed…his response was, “You was just not ready to hear it yet.” But now, as it turns out I’m actually turned on with it and we to go shopping for his “cute” stuff and we have fun with it…Doing Ladies Day Out!!!!!
ja sam najsretniji covijek na svijetu.kad sam rekao zeni nakon19 godina braka da sam crossdresser toliko se napalila da mi sad ona kupuje odjecu i donje rublje i cipele.nemate pojma koliko sam sretan.
Hi Vanessa~
My question is this, in a nutshell, he told me lastnight…I find it fantastic and have no issues with it….but, he said something that really boggles my mind and I can’t find any answers..I asked him if he would like me to shop for him for some welcome home gifts and he said yes…tops and bottoms..*trying to be discreet here*, he also said that was part of “the thrill, the attention”..what does that mean? Attention from who? Men, women, other CD’s, people in general? I am struggling with ths, because I don’t want a bombshell later if you know what I mean..can you help me?
Thank you..
Gaia
Hi Gaia,
First, thank you for being so accepting and loving of your husband. It’s wonderful that you find it fantastic! Before I get into your question I think this is a great time to do some research – Peggy Rudd’s book above as well as the book “My Husband Betty” – http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/best-cross-dressing-book-my-husband-betty/ are both good resources.
To being part of the thrill, can you give me some more context? For me personally I enjoy looking as good as I can, and attention I appreciate would be the same as any woman who had dressed nicely and was complimented on it. I can only speak for myself, but attention from other women on how I’m dressed or presented is far more of a thrill than attention from men. And I think this is true for most crossdressers I know.
This may be a great place to continue the open and honest communication with your husband, share your concerns (and you support) with him. He also has a responsibility to be forthcoming now that he has told you.
Best wishes hon, please write again if you need more support, advice or just someone to listen.
Hugs,
Vanessa
Hi Vanessa
Thought i would tell you our story. I told my wife(M) when i first met her, before we had even thought of getting married or even engaged.
It was a slow process at first as i introduced her to Elaine and my ‘extended’ wardrobe, which i believe ultimately helped her deal with any concerns.
As time went on i became more confident with who i was and i can only put this down to M! as she gradually changed my wardrobe and made me look younger and more stylish in the process.
We have great fun when we go shopping for both of us whether i am Elaine or not and we love going to events when we are able.
We have a great marriage(now in our 12th year) and 2 wonderful girls to boot. I love my wife and am truly blessed to have her in not only my life but my heart, thoughts and actions every single day.
Elaine
My husband is a wonderful man and he told me early in our relationship about his love of wearing womens attire. I love him emmensly, we just got married and want to start a family. How do any of you recommend discussing the crossdressing to our children? I don’t want to keep it from them but I don’t want them to feel different from their classmates once they are in school.
Tammy,
What a wonderful and important question. We all worry about hour our actions and lifestyles will affect our children. I was worried about the exact same thing at one time in my life and will share with you the advice I received from my psychologist.
First your children will sense the emotions you and your husband feel about his dressing, so the two of you need to be completely honest with each other about how those feelings and how it effects you both of your lives emotionally. Your level of acceptance will be projected out onto your children, if you treat it as natural so will they.
The important part throughout the process it to preach diversity from an early age. Unfortunately from preschool on they will be forced to interact with peers who will project the beliefs and mores of their parents. They will be subjected to all sorts of unfortunate biases including many racial, sexual, and religious biases. You have to remember these innocent children learned these biases from their parents. Many of these biases were deeply ingrained into their sub-consciousness minds before they were even three and without a major catalyst will be there for life.
You cant control the way other people raise their children but you can yours. It is my belief that by introducing diversity into their lives from the onset including gender your children will be more loving and accepting of others and will live much happier lives.
But please don’t take my opinion as fact, please, please, please, contact a professional who specializes in children and seek out their advice. I would never want to pass myself off as a professional.
Thanks for sharing Elaine, your story is one of hope for many crossdressers. It’s wonderful that you have such a positive and supportive relationship with your spouse, and that you’ve been able to integrate your crossdressing into your marriage in a way that both of you can enjoy.
Dear Vanessa
I am marry to a Crossdresser and this is very difficult for me to accept. He never told me he was a CD. Before we were married i found him one night dressed up and i was very confused and furious. I thought with time this would change.
I love him very much, but his CD takes over and he never knows when to stop. I am very tired that every night when i come home i find him on CD, i have told him many times that i wished that he would respect the fact that i am home and he would do this when he is on his own.
I am very confused because i feel humiliated but he doesn’t seem to understand. His CD takes over and he makes it be more important than anything else.
I do not what to do. I know that every night he kills what is left of me and i am tired that i always get angry.
I need to know if i will ever learn to accept his CD.
Maria,
Thank you for your note. I know that this is a scary and confusing time, and you have a right to feel angry at him for not telling you before you’re married.
It sounds like you’re laying some of the blame, emotionally, on yourself for not accepting him. It also sounds like you’re more frustrated that he won’t listen to your concerns about CDing than with him actually being crossdressed when you get home. Him being crossdressed when you get home can be bad enough, but you may feel you’ve already told him not to, so he’s crossdressing and disrespecting you.
The best advice I can give is to communicate and search for balance. I’ve struggled to do this myself in my marriage – I would crossdress 3-4 times a week if I could, and my wife would have me never crossdress. Somewhere in between there it’s worth establishing boundaries that allow us both to feel validated and respected. As in any other area of marriage, whether it’s finances or who gets to choose the TV show to watch, reaching a compromise that works for both of you can make things go a lot smoother.
Love, please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you two. Best of luck!
I’m from India. I’m very young. 18 years and I find crossdressing very exciting and erotic.
Hi Dipankar,
Thanks for stopping by – it’s great to have you on Crossdresser Heaven. What’s it like in India? Is crossdressing taboo, or more accepted? I’ve read a few articles about the transgendered in India, but haven’t spoken with many crossdressers from India.
Im scared that my boyfriend only wants me for the sex. He is a CDer and is vary turned on by it. I dont care about that, im just concerned that he just wants me because i accept him and want to have sex with him, not because of who I am. I dont know if that makes sense to anyone. Please, someone tell me im crazy.
Hey Skye,
I don’t know the personal situation between you and your boyfriend, but throughout history men and woman have wanted people for less noble reasons than their true inner being. Whether it’s power, money, sex or family pressure. Wanting someone because they accept who you are may be no different, and perhaps less destructive.
However it is important that you feel nurtured and loved in the relationship. If the entire relationship revolves around your acceptance of his crossdressing this is not any healthier than a relationship revolving around a large trust fund. If I were to guess based on my personal experience, I would say that he is most likely just overindulging in acceptance that has been so long in coming. At finally feeling validated for who he/she is, one seeks to attain more of that validation and support of one’s self worth. He may not be aware as to how you’re feeling and sharing those feelings in a sincere and loving way with him may be all that is necessary for him to change.
Best of luck love!
I will admit there is a great deal of usful information here. My question is – what is a good compromise? For many CD’s I know (myself included) what we want in some cases is to continue to dress in secret. If someone found out we would be so mortified that the thought would drive us insane. I am not a huge fan of Tri-Ess but I agree that if it is going to come down to the wife knowing – talk to a professional and more importantly to each other. You will learn a lot more about each other than you thought you might ever want to know.
Marti: Do you mean a good compromise with your significant other? Or keeping it secret from others?
Personally, I don’t think there is one “right” answer, and the degree to which you crossdress in front of your spouse and in public (or crossdresser clubs like Tri-Ess) is entirely dependent on what you are your wife feel comfortable with. Does anyone else have thoughts on this?
Hi, I am new to this site, but am finding a lot of helpful posts and info, so thank you. I am a wife of a CD and have many questions that I hope to get some advice/answers about.
My husband told me before we got married, which I appreciate. We’ve been married for about three years,but together for about eight. It is still very difficult to see him dressed, but I do admit, that I enjoy his company and our conversations when he is dressed.
My concerns are: (1) recently, his need to CD has become more intense. He now has boobs, makeup, wigs, etc to be more and more ‘female’. One of my biggest concerns is that I will wake up one day to realize that he actually wants to be a woman. I don’t know if these ‘additions’ to be more feminine when CD’ed is an indication of that.
My biggest concern is the fact that he is sexually aroused when CD’ed and has begun to regularly have anal sex with himself. I have a hard time even writing that…. I don’t understand how he could be straight (and apparently enjoy hetro sex), but still want to have anal sex with himself. What do you think? Also, he has recently acquired an entire collection of TS porn and seems to want to dress up and watch it…..
I don’t want to lose him, but I also want him to live a life that he is destine to live. I feel like I might be holding him back.
Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I have no one to talk to, as no one knows except me. thank you.
Hi love,
Thank you for writing and for being willing to try to understand your husband’s crossdressing. I can understand how you must feel right now, at least from conversations my wife and I have had about this. It’s okay for you to feel scared and uncertain.
Your fear about him one day wanting to be a woman is not unfounded. Truth be told, most crossdressers take a long time to accept themselves, much less discover who they want to be. There are many men who are quite content as crossdressers with no urge to have a sex change, even though they may dress to the nines for an evening out with makeup and wigs, etc. It may just be a desire to better pass as a woman. There are some men (a smaller percentage for sure) who decide to transition. Have you spoken with your husband about this? What does he say about his desire to be more feminine?
I’m definitely not a doctor (I start to feel faint at the sight of blood ), though in some ways your second fear may counteract your first. I’ve read that many doctors consider a man who has sexual fantasies about being a woman a poor candidate for transition. If the need is primarily based on sexual urges, then losing those (along with other parts) may cause severe depression once the transition is complete.
I must admit to being confounded by all the sexual proclivities and preferences. I would guess that a bisexual person would have similar desires (sex with a woman, as well as anal sex). I don’t want to be too much of a prude, I realize that most men, ahhh, consume porn of some fashion. I would start to worry if his transsexual fantasies are used a a replacement for a fulfilling sex life with you. How does his solo-activities make you feel?
Does he belong to any groups, such as Tri-Ess? Some transgender support groups have wives/girlfriend only support groups. That may be a good place to find someone else to talk to who has gone through a similar experience. Please write back if you have any questions, I’d like to help however I can.
Hugs,
Vanessa
My boyfriend just told me on Sunday that he is a crossdreser. He said he has been wanting to tell me for a while (we’ve been together 1.5 years) but didn’t know how. I’m not freaked out or anything, should I be?
He and I don’t tell each other we love one another because I can’t stand the thought of telling him that I do and getting no response from him. Now that I know he is a crossdresser could this be part of the reason? He didn’t want to get too close because we could’ve broken up when he told me?
He’s told people (I think mostly women) and none of them reacted well. I may have been the first person that didn’t freak out.
I feel closer to him now than I ever have before. I knew he wasn’t telling me everything about himself and I felt that he would eventually tell me (and he did). He’s been hurt in the past and he’s also older than me so he’s more set in his ways (I guess) and seems to have a harder time dealing with rejection (never mind that past girlfriends weren’t supportive).
I want to ask him if he wants me to participate with him. I don’t want him to think i’m mocking him but I wonder if a real life experience would be much more exciting?
Thank you for having this website. I think I may need to rad other people’s stories and also need some support. Besides my boyfriend I don’t have anyone else to talk to.
Thank you.
Hi, My hubby is a cder and I am so confused by this.I just don’t get it.I feel like the guy here.when I go shopping for clothes he’s always looking for him.When I put something nice on he dosen’t say that looks good he looks at me and says I wish I could wear that. You know how that makes me feel, Like I’m not the woman here.what makes men do this?
Glinda
My husband is a crossdresser. He never told me he was and we were married 25 years when I learned. The only reason he told me was because someone we both knew saw him at a place he apparently was going. I was calm and listen. I tried to understand and tried to live with it. But, I don’t think I can. He tells me he is no longer going there and he has not done it since. I believe him but I know he wants to. He has seeked help through therapy. I feel like he cheated on me. Wasn’t honest and I doubt him now when I never did before. We haven’t had sexual relationship for over 2 years. He says he can’t. Seeking therapy there, too. I no longer look at him the same way. I love him but there is no passion. He loves me and has been with me through my illnesses. I am healthy now. I want to be happy. I want to be in love again. I just don’t know if I can. I hurt. I know a man never can be “cured” of the desires. I want him to be happy. I will not be happy if he continues. The family knows because he blames it on some abuse as a child. I don’t know if that is true or an excuse. The family thinks I am wonderful because I accept that he was but no longer. I don’t believe the “no longer” is for real. Am I hurting him by staying? Am I hurting me for staying? Do I accept that we have been friends all these years? Do I accept that we are older and need each others companionship? Do I let him have his desires and maybe find mine somewhere else but stay with him? I know he cannot handle if I were to leave him. “Do I stay or do I go?” There is probably no answers but as I read the comments I thought maybe there was someone out there that feels like me. I just want that person to know that someone else feels as they do.
In my haste, I forgot to mark to email any comment or response. Please do, Thanks
Hello Ann,
I read your post and instantly felt a connection to you. Based on your posting, I think we might have similar concerns/worries. I posted my ’story’ on April 23rd, if you want to read it. I understand how hard it must have been for you to find out. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, and thankfully, he told me before we married. I had a choice of whether or not to take the next step. There was a part of me that thought that I could change him, I guess.
My husband often tells me that he’s ‘done’ – that he’s going to throw away the clothes and not dress up any longer. At first, I thought this was great, but what I’ve realized is that, as hard as it is for me to understand and accept, it is a PART of him and to deny that part of him is to deny a part of who I feel in love with. I would guess that your husband has been crossdressing since he was a child or very young. It is part of who I fell in love with, even if I didn’t know that about him.
I know that when my husband tries to deny himself of dressing, either one of two things happen: (1) he lies about it cover it up and thinks that he’s not hurting me; or (2) the desire gets so intense that he has to dress and then it’s for a longer period of time.
It’s a really tough situation – more so than I ever thought. I don’t know what to do most of the time. I worry about all sorts of things. I think the key is open communication and a willingness to stretch beyond your ideas of what a man/husband means. It defies gender lines and that makes it tough, among other reasons….
good luck – if you’d like to talk more, let me know.
cheers,
When I first realized that I wanted to crossdress in earnest, I had already been married 24yrs. When young, I would always go thru my mothers copy of ‘Fredricks’ and think ” how nice many of those dresses were and wished I could wear some of them. But it wasnt till I turned 49 that I decide to Crossdress in earnest.
I was one of those men who would have like to but didn’t because “Men are not suppose to wear womens clothing, if they do? something is wrong!” So I never said anything untill 24 years into marriage. when I finally did tell her, she asked me how far I waned to go with it? all of a sudden I felt like a kid in a candy store. It started out well. We went to wal-mart and I started picking things out to wear, slips, panties,skirts, etc. not considering how doing so might affect her and in the long run she ended up hating it. Remember. Your wife or girl frind wants to live her life with or around a man, not a women and when you tell her suddenly that “You want to Crossdress?” well, its quite a shock, both mentally and emotionally to them, especially after marriage (best to tell them before marriage if your sure thats what you are.) When I told my wife, I didnt do much research and especially on How to tell her and what to consider when I do. Remember! All kinds of things run through her mind. So research your feeling about crossdressing first then research what it might be like for her when you decide to tell her? Consider her feelings as well as your own. Then, if she is willing to let you have a go at it? Take it SLOW and COMMUNICATE with her every step of the way. Not doing so will extremely curtail your dressing, especially around her and even if she dosent totally accept it? At least she may let you go ahead and dress part time around her/house cause you took the time to consider her feelings about it and thats better than not being able to dress around her at all).
Yvonne, that is great advice.
Do research.
Take it slow.
Communicate every step of the way.
Such important advice for others in a similar situation.
Hello all,
Alohagirl I feel that you and I have similar stories. My husband told me 2 years after we got married. I have been ok with it and have tried to even be as supportive as possible. I find that even after year of us having hedro sex (I thought he was fully enjoying) he get more aroused when he is dressed or thinking about being dressed. He also like anal a lot and that (much like you) makes me question his sexuality. He swears that he is fully straight and loves me (and women in general) but loves it in his but. I just don’t know how that could be. I have been with other men who wouldn’t even consider any activity back their and my DH has until recently acted as if he feels the same. The whole thing is just so confusing. I love him so much and our family but most days I wish this wasn’t even an issue or at least I wish I still didn’t know about it. Good luck and thanks for listening.
i am sheela a CD from India. I am married for the last 15 years and having two lovely kids also.
Its very difficult and tricky situation to reveal your secret that you are a cd to your wife. i told my wife that one of my friends participated in a fancy dress competition conducted by his office staff(it was a fact) and he challanged me that no one could look better than him in a female get up. That part of the story(his challenge to me) was a lie. I told my wife that i took the challenge and i wanted to out do him in makeup and dressing to look like a passable girl. I showed my friend’s picture also to my wife.
My wife laughed at the idea but agreed to take up the challange and we together shopped around buying inner garments, make up items and even a suitable wig. Then one night we started practising. When i married to my wife i started growing a mush as i genuinely wanted to give up cding at that juncure of my life. But then it is a fact that
‘ONCE A CD IS ALWAYS A CD’.
That night i shaved off my mush after many months and my wife started doing the make up on me. At the end of it we both found that i really looked like a beautiful girl. Then the unexpected happened. My wife hugged and kissed me and said i looked great as a girl. I thanked her profusely. We took some pictures and i asked her whether i could remain in that dress for some more time as both of us spend so many days for this day. She happily agreed. She then gave me the name Sheela to me and called me by the name and asked me how i liked it. I was in cloud nine. The whole night sheela(me) and my wife were discussing the finer points of make up, dresses etc. Then i removed my dresses(half heartedly) and went for sleep.
Next saturday we received prints of the photos and me and wife sat together and scrutinised the pictures.
she was critically analysing the photos and told me there was still room for improving my make up and to my surprise asked me how about trying it that night again. I was thrilled. That night she made some corrections in my eyebrows and concentrated more on my eye make up. When it was done, i looked really stunning and my wife looked really pleased. She complimented me that i was a very pretty girl. Then we took more photographs which followed by more girlish talk. My wife told me she liked sheela, as with sheela she could talk more female oriented subjects like fashion, makeup, garments etc. My God, what a releief was it for me…that my better half liked the female side of me.
Over the days, she showed great interest in perfecting my makeup, buying more fashionable dresses for me and both of us were very relaxed and enjoying the sessions.
Now Sheela has become part and parcel of our life.
I am not suggesting that you should tell a lie to ur spouse to get it started. But that was what i did . I never hurt her. We are a happy couple with Sheela also contributing to our happiness.
Love,
Shella.
Hello sheela, my name is Ragina from the USA. I loved your story and would say that even if you had to strech the truth a bit, look at what you havegained from it. I have met many Indian women and my personal opinion is that Indian women are some of the most beautiful women in the world. You are fortunate to have a wife who enjoys helping you to become a better crossdresser.Love nher for all you are worth. Those women are rare indeed.
Hello everyone,
I would like to start with this, i support everyone weather there Gay, TG,Cd or whatever you may be, i think it is nice to have diffrence in the world an , i belave people could be more accepting in the later years. We hope.
Well here’s my little story, I am happly engaged to a wonderful man who cross dress’s an I am not to sure why he does it but I support him very much. It is kind of hard though being as we live with his mother an she doesnt support him with it, nor anyone else in his family. Luckly mine supports him with love. We don’t know any other cross dressers at all, an ( i mean this with love) some clothes just dont look right but I work with him on it . I love him to peices (forgive the spelling). I was wondering if there are any sites that you can make friends with people who cross dress an people he could acctualy talk to an have fun with, just hanging out or something. He has been alone with with this for years till he met me an my family, I would like to fix that problem but with todays people wanting to shoot you or beat you up when you cross dress its kind of hard. I would even like to find a place that he can meet friends that cross dress who have wives girlfriends or something an have a get together an have a Fem party or something. If anyone knows where some sites are please let me know. Rember I support you all an huggs to everyone.
I, too, married a crossdresser who I love very much. We were together for 2 years before he admitted it to me. I was shocked and thought it was a bit bizarre at first. We have now been together for 15 years and could not be happier! I participate and support him wholeheartedly (helping him to purchase outfits, etc). He has no desire to become a woman and has lost his internal conflicts and stresses that he had while hiding it from me.
I love it when he wears lingerie for me but he occasionally likes to be fully dressed and made up.
I think it would be wonderful if there were a place where hetero CD’s and their wives/girlfriends could go and have fun and just get to know each other without the fear of ridicule.
Hello people,
Trying not to sound like a pervert, but I am lying on the bed in my wifes maid outfit, heels and stockings. There is nothing more I would want, than to tell here how I am. After 8 years together, you think I would, and think after I while she may undertsand. She knows that I am not gay, but that I like beads and butt plugs. I dont wont to get into a detailed discussion, but I wont my wife to know, I wont much more, such as her using a strap on, on me, but I know that is further down the line.
Any advice, greatfully received
JM
wow – most of you here are so accepting. 10 years into this for me and OH and I think he has thrown out the stuff he bought 3 times…just buys more I guess. I think he now hides it in a house he lives in away from home in the week.
I hate it…hate it I thought it was funny 10 years ago before I had kids that he told me he liked to wear my pants to get akick out of…then it was eyeshadow, then it was wigs , shoes, stockings etc etc
When I was pregnant I said no more it makes me sick and here we are 6 years later and lie after lie I am finding its still going on.
I think it is a self indulgent sexual fetish and I think he should respect me and our children before putting his sexual needs first. Whats wrong with that?
Hi me,
I can understand your frustrations, and how it seems like he puts his needs ahead of those of your family. If I were to guess, his crossdressing is tearing him apart too. Many crossdressers feel guilt and shame, and then throw out what they’ve bought. This is often called a ‘purge’, with the desire to cleanse themselves of this impurity.
Unfortunately, almost everyone I’ve spoken to has the need to crossdress return within a short while. Many who continue to deny it live with depression, or may even commit suicide. Society tends to view crossdressing as you do, as a ’self indulgent sexual fetish’. For many men, it is not just a sexual fetish, but a deep need to express the feminine side of themselves.
I know this is not easy for you, and makes your relationship more challenging. The best advice I can give is to communicate often. Share your feelings with him in a loving and caring way. Ask him to do the same. Open, honest heart to heart sharing is the only way I know of that couples can come through stronger.
Best of luck dear!
Vanessa
is it possible that you guys aren’t attracted to being a women, perhaps you just want to be beautiful. You want your hair to be long cause you like long hair. You like makeup because it improves your face. You like silk and panty hoses and soft fabics ,because they are seductive and draw you in. C.S. Lewis said we don’t want to simply see beauty but go throught it. Perhaps you want to be as desired as you desire. You want her to feel about you the way you feel about . Male birds are more glorious than their female counter parts. wear vibrant colors and soft rich fabrics and wear gold too! but love being a man because its a gift to be one. and don’t worry about playing dress up, get your own clothes. men are awesome. Don’t worry about being strong because God made you a man to show you and the world how strong you really are. Remember God is God and he choses his bride and he is the lion,he is the king over his pride. We just want attention because we all have beautiful rainbows in our minds. The rainbow is God gift to everone, not just gays. The cross is for anyone who believes and only Jesus the son of God can forgive our sins.
My wife Rene and I would like to thank you for your your insightful email reply to her post last week. I must say we both agreed with much of what you had to say.
It may be psychological but I seem to have always had an inherent though conflictive desire to feel soft and pretty. Being raised in a strict religious mid western community in the 50’s I was brought up with clear cut set of rules as to masculine and feminine rolls, and if you crossed over you could face severe ridicule. As a man I was taught that I was supposed to be the strong silent provider. My wife was supposed to be the nurturer house keeper.
Yet try as I may I could never fill the shoes that had been set out for me. I don’t know if it fed my desire to dress but I never felt that I was a success as a man. It seemed that my whole life centered around being what other men expected me to be and I never felt I could measure up to their standards.
Dressing for me was an fantasy outlet where I could be me without having to measure up. When I dressed I would take on an entirely different persona where my spirits would soar and my depression would lift. I would no longer feel like a failure or out of role if I used a vacuum or did a load of laundry. I could be happy dusting and cooking for hours. Possibly, deep inside I felt that because I couldn’t live up to others expectations of me as a man then I somehow wasn’t really a man and a being a woman was my only other option, even if it were only fantasy.
So when I met my wife and she embraced my cross dressing and me as a man at the same time it was as if the clouds had been lifted and the heavens open. And as I was encouraged by her to openly dress at home my life outside the home began to prosper. I became far more docile as well as successful in my work and increasing more involved in my community. My circle of friends widened and my disposition become much brighter.
I agree with you that Christ never gives up on us and walks with us where ever we go and I thank him everyday for putting such a wonderful woman in my life. I could not began to express in writing just how much I love her. Though she encourages my dressing she in essence makes me want to be a better man.
Hi,
I am 25 old from India. My girldfriend is aware about my crossdressing. In fact she has purchased Bra, panties & nylons for me.
Only sometimes she wants me not mention the crossdressing & I absolutely respect that. She is compromising by accepting my crossdressing. Can’t i do even this much to keep her happy?
I think every crossdresser should try to convince their partner by showing some apathy.
I started dressing up in bra n panties initially with my GF & now we are moving ahead with skirts & night gowns. She is accepting me slowly & encouraging me too.
Hello,
I’m happily married for 7 years and since the begining I knew my husband like to dress like a woman.
I never accepted that and alwyas avoided the subject to avoid confusion. Lately the urgies are becoming worst and he wants to bring this to our day-day live.
I dont know what to do and we will now start couple therapy which i truly hope that will help our marrige.
I went to his therapist and asked the one question that keeps my mind busy and I want to hear from you if im crazy or not. Is my husband going to become gay once i decide to accept this?
Many Thanks, Thais
Just because he likes to crossdress does not make him gay.
To him, it’s probably more like a lesbian relationship than it is a gay relationship.
If he’s your size, your clothes will double and you’ve also got a man who better understands you than you are giving him credit for.
I don’t know of a woman out there that does not like their man understanding them better.
You’ve got something special, Thais. A man that loves and cares about you. Enjoy it!
I’ve read through these posts over and over and can’t help but to cry when i realize how much i know what most of these women are going through. my situation is similar but also remarkably different than most women.
my boyfriend (of 2 years) and i were acquaintances before ever dating, and i knew from a mutual friend that he crossdressed. never having that be a part of my life before knowing him, i didn’t realize what that entailed. i assumed it was something he did from time to time that made him happy, and when we started dating i had no qualms about it. we began dating exclusively and eventually moved in together. upon moving in together i wanted to become more involved in that side of him, as it was obvious we were becoming serious. this is where our story is different. i learned that my boyfriend was not just a CD, but a CD for money. it is his job. he has a website and performs “cam shows” for paying customers as “melissa”. he works from home, obviously, and chats with men, women, and CDs regularly as well as takes pornographic videos and photos of himself as “melissa” for them. he has never asked to bring “melissa” into our sex life and also does not want to hang around the house dressed or anything of the sort. he only dresses when he is “working” and this is only sporadic through the week. i have tried many different ways to cope with him being transgendered; I’ve assisted him in taking his photos and videos, i sit and talk with him while he is transforming into “melissa”, and at some points I’ve completely distanced myself from it and let him have his own thing. it is a very real pendulum of feelings. he has had gay relationships in the past and has also shown interest in meeting up with other cd’s to hang out. but since we’ve been together he has promised me that he has done nothing physical with anyone else. my problem is, while he is working, i feel like he escapes reality and doesn’t know where to draw the line. i check his email and see how he explicitly talks with both males and females, and have found “melissa’s” profile on transgender dating sites. we are very open and communicative with one another so i voice my opinion on those things freely.i have tried setting up boundaries for him as melissa, but he continues to disrespect me and our relationship when he is dressed as her. i feel like i have tried every way possible to make this work for us because he is a very understanding and loving man, and i want to be with him forever. he always uses that it is his “job” for an excuse as to why he does and says those things, even though i know a lot of the interaction has no monetary value for us. also, he cannot have this “job” forever. he knows his “time” is running short for being able to do this for money, as he is getting older and more masculine looking with age. i am afraid that even after he finds a career, the urges to be “melissa” will still be there. im so confused. should i get out now before I’ve invested too much into someone ill never love, or should we try even harder than we have to compromise and hope for the best? any advice is appreciated.
I began dressing as a girl when I was 10 and when I was 14 my girl-friend dressed me as a girl for halloween with her not knowing I had already done it many times.I enjoyed the thought of being dressed as a girl BY A girl and after the party she wouldn’t let me take off the skirt and wig,pantyhose and heels as she told me she thought i was cute dressed as a girl and should let her dress me more often.I later told her that I LIKE to dress up (crossdress) as I showed her all my Girl clothes,shoes etc. I had collected.She thought it was so ironic that I like to dress up in the same style clothes as hers as she was also 14.She sadly had to move outta state when she was 20 and have kept in touch over the years as I send her pics of me dressed up as she sends me pics of her dressed up in cute outfits as well.It seems like the older I have become my desires to crossdress have become alot stronger as I only dress up in private and to halloween party’s now and then.
I sort of think my fiance might be into cross dressing. He has always dressed very well, and sometimes seems to enjoys dressing me more than himself. I just figured it was just him being him.
The he dressed up as a girl on a bet, and he seemed to enjoy very well. Unfortunately, I think my opinion might be biased, b/c when he was dressed up, it turned me on to no end! I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know whether or not to let him know my thoughts
But he has been hinting lately that he wouldn’t mind doing it again, and he always lets me do fun things to his hair and such so maybe if I asked extra nice he’d do it again.
Ooh… you’re lucky Queline! I think your husband might have a secret that would be most enjoyable for both of you to explore together! Have fun!
ZAHEER (ZARINA) says:
OCT 6th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
i am ZARINA a CD from India. I am married for the last 10 years. and having no kids also.
Its very difficult and tricky situation to reveal your secret that you are a cd to your wife. i told my wife that one of my friends participated in a fancy dress competition conducted by his office staff(it was a fact) and he challanged me that no one could look better than him in a female get up. That part of the story(his challenge to me) was a lie. I told my wife that i took the challenge and i wanted to out do him in makeup and dressing to look like a passable girl. I showed my friend’s picture also to my wife.
My wife laughed at the idea but agreed to take up the challange and we together shopped around buying inner garments, make up items and even a suitable wig. Then one night we started practising. When i married to my wife i started growing a mush as i genuinely wanted to give up cding at that juncure of my life. But then it is a fact that
‘ONCE A CD IS ALWAYS A CD’.
That night i shaved off my mush after many months and my wife started doing the make up on me. At the end of it we both found that i really looked like a beautiful girl. Then the unexpected happened. My wife hugged and kissed me and said i looked great as a girl. I thanked her profusely. We took some pictures and i asked her whether i could remain in that dress for some more time as both of us spend so many days for this day. She happily agreed. She then gave me the name Zarina to me and called me by the name and asked me how i liked it. I was in cloud nine. The whole night Zarina(me) and my wife were discussing the finer points of make up, dresses etc. Then i removed my dresses(half heartedly) and went for sleep.
Next saturday we received prints of the photos and me and wife sat together and scrutinised the pictures.
she was critically analysing the photos and told me there was still room for improving my make up and to my surprise asked me how about trying it that night again. I was thrilled. That night she made some corrections in my eyebrows and concentrated more on my eye make up. When it was done, i looked really stunning and my wife looked really pleased. She complimented me that i was a very pretty girl. Then we took more photographs which followed by more girlish talk. My wife told me she liked zarina, as with zarina she could talk more female oriented subjects like fashion, makeup, garments etc. My God, what a releief was it for me…that my better half liked the female side of me.
Over the days, she showed great interest in perfecting my makeup, buying more fashionable dresses for me and both of us were very relaxed and enjoying the sessions.
Now zarina has become part and parcel of our life.
I am not suggesting that you should tell a lie to ur spouse to get it started. But that was what i did . I never hurt her. We are a happy couple with Zarina also contributing to our happiness.
Love,
ZAHEER (ZARINA)
Zarina, what a wonderful story! Bless you on finding happiness and acceptance with your wife in your crossdressing!
I found a picture of my husband dressed in women’s clothing on his laptop. The pic was cropped from the chin down. But make no mistake it is him! I tried not to act shocked, even though I was so hurt that this secret had been kept from me. I asked him if it was him, told him he looked sexy. He kept saying “That’s not me!” -We endeed up having sex right there in his office. I don’t know if he was turned on or trying to change the focus..?? Anyway, I have tried to talk to him about it but he won’t. Keeps saying “some things are private”. I can’t accept that…I started buying nighties and things for the bedroom for him/us. He happily “lets” me dress him, gets totally turned on and we have amazing sex. My question is how do I let it go that he is unwilling to talk to me? I am hurt because I am his wife and if he hasn’t told me then who? -who took the pic I found? He also looks at porn-I’ve known about from the beginning. I have been told by many males in my life (friends, brother..etc) that all men look at porn sometimes. So I let it go-don’t like it but let it go..I don’t like it because I get jealous. Why would he look at that when I am at home and NEVER turn sax down? The porn he looks at is women-mainly bondage. I have ropes and things too! I have never seen any tranny porn or men. However, he does like when I use a vibrator on him-hmmm? That came out of no where one night too! I can’t imagine that was the first night for that either! Of course remember we can’t talk! I need advice on how to just let go of my need to have a discussion…it will never happen! do you think he can’t admit this to himself? Me dressing him makes it -”my thing” and not his? Is he in denial? How much more supportive can I be? We watch porn together, I dress him…..Will he ever open up to me? Or has he in his own way? (without words)…If anyone could shed some light ….
Thanks
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
He’s such a lucky guy to have someone as understanding as you. Oftentimes crossdressing can be full of shame for men. Even though you know and are accepting, he may not accept himself. You don’t say how long you have known, but if you found out only recently, then perhaps he’s still getting comfortable, and a while longer of support and understanding will help him open up.
You might also want to make it safe for him to admit – let him know that you won’t think less of him, or think in any way he’s not a man.
Good luck dear! Let us know how it goes.
I embrace my husbands cross dressing. I was his mother rather then he who told me long before we were married and I found it fascinating. He was actually quite embarrassed when I asked him about it and somewhat in denial but I soon convinced him that we all were different and I had no problem with it as a matter of fact i was dying to see him cross dressed. The main thing we discussed was that if we were going to be married we should have no secrets from each other and never be afraid to share our feelings.
We have been married a number of years now and I still openly encourage him to cross dress nights and weekends. I find him much more docile and attentive when he is dressed and when he is dressed he is far more open about his feelings. My advice would be that if you really want honesty in your marriage then embrace your husbands cross dressing. It is harmless and from what I have read the need on his part will never go away. If you want honesty in your relationship you have to be willing to embrace his honest feelings.
From a wife whose been there.
Hi! I found out after 32 years my husband cross dresses.( I stumbled on his notes) I am a senior now. Don’t know where to turn to. very hurt. He goes on sites and loooks at porn and wants to do it with someone else. I can understand abit about the cross dressing since he has kept that inside all these years. He tells me we’ll see where it goes. His goal about being with another CD or doing it doesn’t fit with the cd mode. My one son came out 4 years back. I can handle that but this is so hard. I feel all used. He worte on one site one should be honest. He wasn’t with me. I feel I can’t trust him. I went to some of the sites and Hd says I am spying. I ‘m his wife. My other son is handicap.
He says he has no urge for being afelmale but I read otherwise. I have ordered the book. Thanks for any help and or advice. Very Hurt
Hi Vanessa
I’m going to try to write this without sounding naive or childish…
Me and my boyfriend are both seniors in high school, and we love each other very much and have been together for three years. About three months after we got together he first tried women’s underwear (all kinds), and soon told me he really liked it because we’ve always been extremely open and honest with each other. As time goes by, he wants more and more feminine clothing. When we talk about living together in college he talks about wearing bras, skirts, tight jeans, heels, etc.
I’m completely fine with his tendencies, I have very liberal views. But sometimes I can’t help fearing him “turning gay”. I’m very sure he’s attracted to me, so this could mean he’s bisexual… I just get confused when I start to think about it in depth.
Any advice? There’s know one I can talk to about this, and I just wanted to comment on how wonderful I think this blog is! Thank you thank you thank you<3
Dear Kat,
Hi, my name is Ragina. I’ve been a crossdresser for a verylong time and I have enjoyed it. I can understand your fears about him “going gay”. There is always that chance, but more often than not, this will be a heterosexual thing. The best advice I can give you now is to sit down and have a long talk with him and find out exactly where his head is at. Also, there are several very good books available that discuss the subject of crossdressing and relationships in greater depth. Trust the love you have for each other, and be patient with your boyfriend while he is working out his part of the equation,eg,where he wants to go with crossdressing. Most of all, love yourself. You sound like you have a pretty stable relationship. Use that and build on it, and try to see that his crossdressing can be a good part of the relationship. Be open and learn all you can.
I pray that you will be patient. Write back soon and tell me how things are going. Love, Ragina
Hello everyone, my name is rose i am 17 years old and i am married to a crossdresser i know i am young to be married but thats not why i am here i dont know what to do i love my husband so much i cant live without him. weve been married for 8 months now and well its great except for the moments he crossdresses i am not saying i hate him for what he does but i feel betrayed and self concious about myself when he does this . of course he didnt tell me before we got married, he told me about 3 weeks into it but little by little one day i cought him in the shower sitting on the floor just thinking and i asked what was wrong and he say babe i have to let u know something i thought he was gonna say something like omg but all he said was ive worn a thong before and i liked how it felt my reaction to that was okay great thongs are hot i supported that then the next week while he was getting ready for work he put on one of my bras and asked how it looked i was like????? what the heck okay then i accepted that as a joke then like a month later again i cought him on the shower floor sitting down thinking and i asked what was wrong and this time he told me he liked wearing womens lingerine and clothes and i was shocked but i dnt scream or run or yell i just sat there looking at him like okay? i asked him to explain he did and he said he liked doing it that it turned him on that it wasnt a one day thing, i went with it i tried to accept it as much as i could i really did we would go shopping and he would tell me i like that thong i would say ok and we’d buy it and a wig and his own makeup everything that he needed. but then i didnt feel right i had so much i dnt know how to say it umm like hate to what he was putting me through i felt betrayed i felt dirty i would cry i would write to myself i would try to cope with it in anyway that i could because i knew i couldnt tell my mom or my friends my problems which i was used to doing and i couldnt talk to my husband cause i never wanted him to feel bad. i am just so confused and sad i dont understand myself i want to accept him and what he does and most of the time i do i hide what i feel and let him do what he likes and then out of so long of holding it in i pop and tell him that i want to leave that i cant handle it but i just cant… i need a friend to talk to someone that kan tell me things will be okay that i can handle this please right back or email me roseyjavi@hotmail.com thanks
I thought I hit the jackpot when I was 23 years old and met my wife. She was my dream girl; beautiful, smart, and kinky. Most important to this discussion is she was the girl who brought my female side out.
She helped pick out my wig and clothes, taught me how to do my makeup, taught me how to walk, sit and so on like a proper lady. She encouraged me to get dressed up. She also liked playing BDSM games with me dressed .
Sounds like heaven doesn’t it?
But time passed and at some point it dawned on her that my dressing was not just a passing fantasy, not the “flavor of the month” she thought it was. That’s when it started to scare her and she pulled away, feeling like she had created a monster. Eventually she would have nothing to do with it at all and she viewed anything I did without her as a betrayal.
This has been going on for FIFTEEN YEARS
I think some women are *very flippant* when it comes stuff like cross-dressing and bdsm. Sure they think it’s “hot” because it’s new and different, an erotic novelty. It may even bolster their image of themselves as a “sexual outlaw” (as it did with my wife). But what happens when the novelty wears off?
I see two possibilities. Either the woman will dump you or if she loves you she might stay with you and *tolerate* your xdressing. But for most women like my wife, it will be very hard on them to do so and cause them a lot of pain and they will ultimately wish you to stop.
If you want to see what I’m talking about, subscribe to the CDSO mailing list.
http://www.tri-ess.org/spice/CDSO/CDSO.htm
This is a support group for wives of cross-dressers. My wife belonged for a time several years back and we would read the posts together. We left the group because we became overwhelmed with the complete lack of hope and pain displayed by these women over their husbands xdressing. I read the posts too and it was absolutely heartbreaking to hear how much pain and torment these men had put their wives through.
Sure there are women who will embrace cross-dressing long term, I see their posts here. But what are we talking about? .1% of the female population? You will be struck by lightning, bit by a shark, AND survive a plane crash before you EVER meet anyone like that.
So I guess if all you want to do is date, then you can probably find multiple women who will find this aspect of you *hot*. But if you are looking for a life partner, that person needs to understand the *permanence* of this piece of you; that it is a natural expression of the psycho-dynamics of your personality and will be embraced by both of you until death do you part.
If I could go back knowing what I know now, I should have had this kind of talk with my wife when we were 25. Unfortunately I can find no evidence that I wouldn’t *still be single* if I had.
PS
I want to be clear I am not angry with womankind in general or my wife for not accepting this side of me because…
If the shoe were on the other foot and my wife wanted to dress as a man and treat me like her gay partner…I would find it repulsive and there is NO WAY I would put up with it.
I just learned that my husband for almost 6years is a cross dresser guy. I’m in deep shock and until now it won’t sink in my head. If only I can change what I just saw…and I wish I haven’t seen it.. but he told me he’s not gay, and so i believe on it. maybe in time, i will totally accept it. what should i do now?
Hi Sandy, I’m Ragina, a crossdresser for many years. I know that you have recieved quite a shock finding out that your husband is a crossdresser. It seems clear that he said that he’s not gay, so you need to believe him there. Most crossdressing men aren’t. My best advice to you right now is to spend time with him and find out exactly where his head is at and what he wants as far as his crossdressing. Also, spend some time educating yourself about the wide world of crossdressing. There are several very good books available on the subject. Last but not least, love him. He is in a vulnerable position right now, and needs to know that you love him and will try to understand him. Use this web site as well. There is a wealth of information here to use as well as many people willing to help both of you understand what is going on. Be patient, dear, It took my wife a while to fully understand me. Now that she does, our relationship is better and there has been a load lifted from me as well. I am a better man being able to express the woman within than to keep it all bottled up inside.
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