When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Crossdresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
EDITOR NOTE: Crossdresser Heaven has a program exclusively for Significant Others. You’ll be able to discuss issues in private with other SOs. Explore our Significant Other Program and contact JaneS if you are interested or would like further information. We would love to welcome you.
More Articles by Vanessa Law
- 7 Essential Tips to Crossdressing
- Win a Free Makeup Prize Bundle from Jecca Blac
- A Few Changes in Our Family
- I Want to Live Like That
- Hope in Despair, Light through the Darkness
In my haste, I forgot to mark to email any comment or response. Please do, Thanks
Hello Ann, I read your post and instantly felt a connection to you. Based on your posting, I think we might have similar concerns/worries. I posted my ‘story’ on April 23rd, if you want to read it. I understand how hard it must have been for you to find out. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, and thankfully, he told me before we married. I had a choice of whether or not to take the next step. There was a part of me that thought that I could change him, I guess. My husband often tells… Read more »
When I first realized that I wanted to crossdress in earnest, I had already been married 24yrs. When young, I would always go thru my mothers copy of ‘Fredricks’ and think " how nice many of those dresses were and wished I could wear some of them. But it wasnt till I turned 49 that I decide to Crossdress in earnest. I was one of those men who would have like to but didn’t because “Men are not suppose to wear womens clothing, if they do? something is wrong!" So I never said anything untill 24 years into marriage. when… Read more »
Yvonne, that is great advice.
Do research.
Take it slow.
Communicate every step of the way.
Such important advice for others in a similar situation.
Hi, I am 25 old from India. My girldfriend is aware about my crossdressing. In fact she has purchased Bra, panties & nylons for me. Only sometimes she wants me not mention the crossdressing & I absolutely respect that. She is compromising by accepting my crossdressing. Can’t i do even this much to keep her happy? I think every crossdresser should try to convince their partner by showing some apathy. I started dressing up in bra n panties initially with my GF & now we are moving ahead with skirts & night gowns. She is accepting me slowly & encouraging… Read more »
Hello all, Alohagirl I feel that you and I have similar stories. My husband told me 2 years after we got married. I have been ok with it and have tried to even be as supportive as possible. I find that even after year of us having hedro sex (I thought he was fully enjoying) he get more aroused when he is dressed or thinking about being dressed. He also like anal a lot and that (much like you) makes me question his sexuality. He swears that he is fully straight and loves me (and women in general) but loves… Read more »
i am sheela a CD from India. I am married for the last 15 years and having two lovely kids also. Its very difficult and tricky situation to reveal your secret that you are a cd to your wife. i told my wife that one of my friends participated in a fancy dress competition conducted by his office staff(it was a fact) and he challanged me that no one could look better than him in a female get up. That part of the story(his challenge to me) was a lie. I told my wife that i took the challenge and… Read more »
Hello sheela, my name is Ragina from the USA. I loved your story and would say that even if you had to strech the truth a bit, look at what you havegained from it. I have met many Indian women and my personal opinion is that Indian women are some of the most beautiful women in the world. You are fortunate to have a wife who enjoys helping you to become a better crossdresser.Love nher for all you are worth. Those women are rare indeed.
Hello everyone, I would like to start with this, i support everyone weather there Gay, TG,Cd or whatever you may be, i think it is nice to have diffrence in the world an , i belave people could be more accepting in the later years. We hope. Well here’s my little story, I am happly engaged to a wonderful man who cross dress’s an I am not to sure why he does it but I support him very much. It is kind of hard though being as we live with his mother an she doesnt support him with it, nor… Read more »
ZAHEER (ZARINA) says: OCT 6th, 2009 at 1:20 pm i am ZARINA a CD from India. I am married for the last 10 years. and having no kids also. Its very difficult and tricky situation to reveal your secret that you are a cd to your wife. i told my wife that one of my friends participated in a fancy dress competition conducted by his office staff(it was a fact) and he challanged me that no one could look better than him in a female get up. That part of the story(his challenge to me) was a lie. I told… Read more »
Zarina, what a wonderful story! Bless you on finding happiness and acceptance with your wife in your crossdressing!
I, too, married a crossdresser who I love very much. We were together for 2 years before he admitted it to me. I was shocked and thought it was a bit bizarre at first. We have now been together for 15 years and could not be happier! I participate and support him wholeheartedly (helping him to purchase outfits, etc). He has no desire to become a woman and has lost his internal conflicts and stresses that he had while hiding it from me. I love it when he wears lingerie for me but he occasionally likes to be fully dressed… Read more »
Hello people, Trying not to sound like a pervert, but I am lying on the bed in my wifes maid outfit, heels and stockings. There is nothing more I would want, than to tell here how I am. After 8 years together, you think I would, and think after I while she may undertsand. She knows that I am not gay, but that I like beads and butt plugs. I dont wont to get into a detailed discussion, but I wont my wife to know, I wont much more, such as her using a strap on, on me, but I… Read more »
Hello, I’m happily married for 7 years and since the begining I knew my husband like to dress like a woman. I never accepted that and alwyas avoided the subject to avoid confusion. Lately the urgies are becoming worst and he wants to bring this to our day-day live. I dont know what to do and we will now start couple therapy which i truly hope that will help our marrige. I went to his therapist and asked the one question that keeps my mind busy and I want to hear from you if im crazy or not. Is my… Read more »
Just because he likes to crossdress does not make him gay.
To him, it’s probably more like a lesbian relationship than it is a gay relationship.
If he’s your size, your clothes will double and you’ve also got a man who better understands you than you are giving him credit for.
I don’t know of a woman out there that does not like their man understanding them better.
You’ve got something special, Thais. A man that loves and cares about you. Enjoy it! 🙂
I’ve read through these posts over and over and can’t help but to cry when i realize how much i know what most of these women are going through. my situation is similar but also remarkably different than most women. my boyfriend (of 2 years) and i were acquaintances before ever dating, and i knew from a mutual friend that he crossdressed. never having that be a part of my life before knowing him, i didn’t realize what that entailed. i assumed it was something he did from time to time that made him happy, and when we started dating… Read more »