When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Cross Dresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
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I’ve been married to across dresser for over 25 years. My experience is that my”acceptance” of this has come at the expense of our sex life. He has ED except he seems to prefer to dress up no problem and gets his jollies. Then he tells me that I have to get him some Cialis myself if I want sex. At this point I’m tired and don’t feel like I should have to prep him for sex like he’s doing me a favor. It’s very sad to be in a marriage like this. I don’t want to cheat on him so I guess my sex life is over.
I’ve been married to across dresser for over 25 years. My experience is that my”acceptance” of this has come at the expense of our sex life. He has ED except he seems to prefer to dress up no problem and gets his jollies. Then he tells me that I have to get him some Cialis myself if I want sex. At this point I’m tired and don’t feel like I should have to prep him for sex like he’s doing me a favor. It’s very sad to be in a marriage like this. I don’t want to cheat on him so I guess my sex life is over.
Masturbation doesn’t require an erection as hard as intercourse. Your attitude spells disaster
[...] I recently covered some of the top questions a wife of a cross dresser will have here: My husband is a cross dresser [...]
This may not be the place for this, but I am very fortunate to have an extremely understanding and accepting wife and I love her dearly. We have been married 11 years. I told her of my crossdressing before we married and even tho she was basically unaware of crossdressing I explained that I was a “hetrosexual” crossdresser. The main thing she heard was the word “hetrosexual”. The rest of my explaination of cding was easy. It only took a few hours of her thinking about it and she sent me a e-mail saying that many of the things she loved about me were feminine traits, ie. gentleness, considerate, understanding,temperance, Love, etc. She then said Jim Reeves said it best when he sang, ” Welcome to my world, won’t you come on in.” Since that time we have married and I have worn women’s clothes 95% of the time. I have had my facial hair totally removed by electrology. We are both retired and travel. I travel enfemme and we often shop together, eat out, go to movies, to plays, the casinos, we do most everything together as girlfriends. We also share the housework. If she cooks, I clean up and vice versa, if she dust, I vaccum, I do the laundry and she irons. We share our lives and we deeply love and respect each other. Susan Heiss
I am Devika’s wife. In fact, when I knew that my husband (Komali Devika) is crossdresser, I was disappointed. However, as he has been good in bed as man, I thought there was no harm allowing him to dress him in saree. I encouraged him. I allowed him to grow his hair. I named him Devika, while in dress. Some times we (two ladies) go for shopping also. Now he is having mid-back length hair and also have a medium sized breast also. I do not use breast forms or any stuff for his breast. I use only padded bra, which is shown as real breast.
Right before I was married I found a pair of panties in my husbands stuff. When I asked him about it, he said he likes to wear them. First shocked… then I accepted it, for a while. But everytime I felt he was wearing them, I didn’t want to touch him. There is something so femine about it that to me, he doesn’t look attractive anymore. So, he stopped and we got married. Our daughter was 10 months at the time. But it seems he is still cross dressing because I found more items… this time it was worse. He is wearing my dresses, skirts, pants, bras and underwear. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we have been very open about this situation and I asked him to share with me everytime he feels an urge.. but he doesn’t. He still tries to hide it. Why? I already know. There is no more surprise. I feel like I have to accept this, or leave him. We are thinking of starting therapy soon. Will this help? Am I suppose to settle? I love with all my heart and soul and I never pictured my life without him, but I can’t live with this. And for the women on here that say the men never change, I think I might have to leave him. The thought brings instant tears to my eyes. Help?
Dear Aubre
The decision to leave a marriage is a very momentous one.
Yet I cannot say it is not the thing to do given your strong feelings about “xd-ing”. The reason your husband hides his continuing desires is his awareness that you don’t prefer him in feminine clothing and he thus doesn’t wish to embarass himself or make you uncomfortable. His behavior is understandable just as your feeling about a man in woman’s clothing is as well. There is no solution other than to dissolve the relationship in my view in order that you both a freed to pursue your own happiness. Therapy is unlikely to change either your feelings or your husband’s needs although it is likely to make the communication of feeling easier and deeper and ease the pain of separation. I speak as a lifelong cd and as a trained psychologist knowledgeable in the issues you speak of. You didn’t mention your age of course and that may be an important consideration in the decision. If you see a counselor- be sure that they are fully knowledgeable regarding transgender issues. I wish you the best of luck.
Mandee Fine Ph.D.
Hi Mandee,
My husband had been acting differently for about 2 months. He seemd more irratable & unfocused alot. I asked him what was going on and he said he didn’t know. He’d just lost 55 lbs. over a 5 month time frame as a result of finding out he was a fullblown diabetic. He also was dealing with an almost nonexistant amount of testosterone in his body (& getting low does injections to regulate that)as well as dealing with ED. (& now having to take Viagra) However our sex life became nonexistant for 6 months. He was withdrawn and moodier then usual. I just chalked it up to so many changes in his body. Then he started “disappearing” and wouldn’t answer my texts or phone calls saying he didn’t hear his phone ring etc. He’d tellme he’s be home at a certain time and show up hours later which was very unlike him. We’ve been together 6 years, married for 4 of those. Finally last week he told me he was safe but we’d have to talk when he got home. He walked in the house in full woman’s dress. I was shocked & yet at the same time wasn’t. I didn’t like looking at him dressed as a woman but the wig & lipstick was the worst for me. I calmly asked him to take off the wig & he did. He then sat down & we had a calm conversation. I then went to bed & he thought “wow, this is great. She accepts me and now life can go on as usual”. He came to bed wearing garters, hose, boobs & a nighty. I wanted to cry & run away. But I didn’t. I love my husband & I want to stay married but with guidlines. He knows that. I’m not interested in seeing him prance around the house as a woman whenever he’s home.He’s agreed to counseling, not to change but for both of us to learn how to manage this way of living. I don’t want him sneeking off to be with other CD or going to bars to get approval. I worry about it escalating into something bigger and at 57 yrs. old I’m not willing to throw the rest of my life away “settling”. I want to know I can trust him. I don’t want lies & deceit. I know CD doesn’t “stop” & I accept that. I can’t accept seeing my husband dressed as a woman though.He told me the weight loss kind of spured it on again. He felt good about how he looked & I can understand that. But I’m not comfortable watching transvestite porn or anything like that. I want my husband to be turned on by me which he says he is. I guess I’m afraid one day it won’t be enough for him. He says he’s bisexual. Anyway, that’s my story for now.
Dear Aubre,
There can be a happy ending.) I felt very simliar when my husband 1st told me a few years after we married. I “allowed” it for a while and then gave him the ultimatum…CD or me. He chose me and I fully believed he had quit. 2 children, post-pardum depression, & a very rocky patch followed. Then we got our relationship back on track. It was perfect until the night he told me he was still dressing. This was 1 year ago. I didn’t react to what he told me, so he thought it was ok. I was devastated and felt completely betrayed and trapped. I began intense CD research to understand why he would risk his family and possibly his career for this. I asked myself some very hard questions. I wrote down my feelings & questions for my husband. Then, I started the conversation that would forever change our marriage. I could not talk to him in person, so I waited until he went on a business trip. I began the conversation, by telling him not to talk and I would ask questions at the end. (I did not want any interruptions that would steer me away from my points.) I felt some better just telling him how I felt. The I began questioning him. I asked the questions that I didn’t want the answers to (but I had to know the truth) and I got some unsettling answers. But…I got the truth. Then I let him talk uninterrupted and I LISTENED. For the 1st time, I listened without forming bias while he talked, & without thinking of what I was going to say next. When it was all done, I could not wait for him to get home so I could give him the biggest hug ever. I didn’t accept the CD, but I was willing to learn more and to create boundaries. I researched more and kept asking questions. He wanted to purge his stuff again, but I told him not to. I knew he’d just buy more eventually. I’m glad that he didn’t because for his birthday, I decided to ask him to dress. We stayed at home and I got very drunk. Amazing, we had a great time. He opened up more and the conversation never stopped. 8 hours seemed like 30 minutes. Oh, I dressed up nice for him and that made it more fun too. So now, we do this on occasion and he dresses when he goes on trips. I think I’ve benefited from his CD greatly because I’m more accepting of people for who they are. I am less judgemental and criticle of others. The end result is that I’m a much happier person and our marriage is stronger than ever.
So why is your husband not telling you the truth about dressing? Your answer is in your statement “I didn’t want to touch him.” Even though my husband knows that I truly accept his dressing, he still worries that I may change my mind. Why? Because I was so against it in the past.
Will he change? Research says no. But do you really want him to? You fell in love with him for who he is and CD is a part of what has made him who he is. To remove that will change him into someone you do not know.
one more thing, I was against CD because “it was not normal”. I changed my own mind when I asked myself, “who defines normal? And why is normal so important?” Some of the greatest ideas and greatest people have been anything but normal. I wish you the best of luck in sorting though your feelings and relationship. Oh- sorry for the book; I’m a bit long-winded!
I met a man online about a year ago. Initially when we met, he portrayed himself as a woman. We connected right away and eventually he told me the truth that he was a man and that he had feelings for being a female since he was a child. A few months later he shared more with me that he not only felt those feelings but had acted on the by cross dressing.
Although I have a strong desire and need to be with a man who possesses certain qualities (which he does). I have also for many years desired to be with a woman on a very sexual level. I feel like I have the best of both worlds and have truly fallen in love with both sides of this wonderful man.
Our lives are very complicated for various reasons.. but we were able to meet recently in real life. It was a wonderful experience. I purchased several female outfits for him including underwear. I cannot begin to tell you how happy it made me to see him happy being able to openly share that side of himself. Even now it makes me teary eyed. Since then he has done more things to embrace that side of himself, including wearing makeup. Because we live far away I was able to share that experience with him via skype and it was wonderful to see his excitement.
I know that my situation may be more rare than others, in that I am more accepting of his female side. I know that this man is a man and I feel very safe and secure and loved by him as a male. He doesnt want to give up his male side but he wants to be able to share and live out his female side too.
I am so blessed and loved to have him as part of my life and cant imagine him being any other way than he is. For those of you ladies who are willing to listen and learn about that side of your partner, I think that you are doing a great thing and it shows how much you truly care about that person in your life.
Lio,
We are in the same situation. My wife accepted my crossdressing, helps me buy and is my best girlfriend. When it comes to me being male and having to do make things – I step up and assume my responsibilities. Our sex life is perhaps enhanced because of it (we live out a lot of fantasies) Honesty is the best policy. I’m sorry if i don;t fit the “Norm” but i’ve been dressing since 12 – love it – enjoy it and feel that way with my best girl.
I have just leant that my husband likes 2 dress up in womans cloths it is hard 4 me 2 understand and he has people he can talk 2 but i havent got any 1 i cant tell friends or family about it i love him so much and im really scared and would like sum help would like 2 talk 2 people in the same boat but dont know were 2 go or who 2 go 2
Hey sweetie, take a look at http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/about/crossdresser-support-groups/ – there are support groups listed around the country. Hopefully you’ll find one close to where you live.
Blessings
Vanessa
Hi
I married my husband knowing he was a CD. I loved him deeply and he hated himself so much for the cross dressing that I just wanted him to love himself as much as I loved him. I encouraged it, I helped him get items. I was the one who rented a room in toronto at ‘Walk on the Wild Side” where the owner put the makeup on and provided a wig and we went out to a Drag Show and had a great time. From that point on, we had fun with it, sex was fantastic. However, he started to withdraw more and more. Eventually did not really want to have sex, it was more about dressing and masturbating for me. In the end, he became more and more confused and felt he didn’t want to be married. He felt he might prefer boys. I only found out he was bisexual in the last year of our marriage. That was a bigger blow then the CDing however, I loved him so much I wanted to work on all the different aspects. In the end, he simply didn’t want to be married. He became all consumed with the cross dressing, he had gotten permission to dress at work and again, I had no issue with that either. I was taking it in strides but he simply wasn’t noticing me anymore. It seemed he was only happy if he was talking about ‘her’ (his alter ego) He is an excellent performer and wants his own drag show…..again something I fully supported and helped with ideas. Didn’t seem to matter how supportive I was, he has left.I feel betrayed, I thought we were soul mates. There was basically nothing he could throw at me that I wouldn’t contemplate and deal with. I know he isn’t gay because he loves women wayyyy to much, but when he is cross dressing, he prefers the attention of men and I noticed even when we were out on one of those special nights….I was barely noticed. My story doesn’t sound like any of yours. I don’t know if he is simply very confused or if I truly have lost him. He’s completely out to all our friends and family thanks to Facebook and posting pics of him in face. When people question me about it, I simply say “it’s never bothered me, what bothers me is that he doesn’t love me anymore” I’m devastated.
Lyne
Hi Lyne,
My story has changed dramatically. It went from hubby telling me he’s a crossdresser to he wants a sex change to we need to go our separate way. He has turned my life upside down and inside out. We are getting divorced and I devoted 7 years of my life with him. I thought we could work all this out~ we can’t. I’ve beent though many emotions in a short period of time. I was told in December and now it’s only March. I loved him so much and thought we’d “grow old” together. He’d rather play with his toys and dress then anything else. He’s withdrawn almost completely from the life and friends we had.He now hides in the bedroom he has moved into and doesn’t really speak with me unless he has too. Everything has changed and it seems as if it all happened overnight. I have decided to move on in my life and make the most of my life and be happy.I deserve to be happy and to be treated with alot more respect so I have choosen to move forward with my life without him as he requested.I’m sorry for your pain and I certainly understand it. Move on…..
I feel for you, I would never do this to my supporting girlfriend.
Hi! I just found out that my husband likes to cross dress we’ve been married for seven years and i feel betrayed I don’t know what to do. We have two kids I thought we had a great marriage I love him I don’t want to lose him but I don’t know if I can deal with it. It’s been seven wonderful years can u give me some advice. I feel like I lost em like I don’t know him or maybe I never really knew him what should I do.
You do not need to think that you do not have a great marriage; you do have a great marriage and it can only get better now. He told you the most agonizing secret he can ever have to you because he loves you. He may have also have had a lot of guilt by not telling you and knows that you feel betrayed but he loved you enough to tell you. It is only one aspect of him and if you think closely it is a great aspect that I am sure you can grow to love because you already do even though you can not see it at the moment. What you loved about your husband is still there. You have probably all along have noticed his caring and loving and understanding side and that is what you fell in love with. He is able to understand and listen to you the most important aspect of communication. He understands you and he loves you and wants the best for you and his family. I can not help that you feel betrayed those are your true feelings. I one day hope to meet and marry a beautiful understanding woman as you are. I thought I did a few years back when I told my future and then ex-wife on our second date that I was a crossdresser. In the end finances destoryed our marriage quickly as she thought I had money and could afford to raise her and her 3 children on my salary, I miss read her Love for me because I so desperatley wanted to be loved and she seemed to have accepted my fem side. I still desperately want to be loved but not at the expense of someone else’s feelings. I want to have kids and a family too, but time is passing me by. I still feel I have to let the lady know upfront of who I am and I know if I was not a crossdresser or lied about being being one I would have had the family I have so desired since I was a baby, just like most women do. Sorry for rambling, but I am sure your husband is a great person as he has proven that over the past 7 years. I wish you love and happiness as you go forward in your marriage and learn to understand one another better and continue to grow with each other. Franky