When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Cross Dresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
Making Marriage with a Crossdresser – Work and Thrive
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Here are a few tips on how crossdressing has worked in my marriage of 23 years. I realize that everyone is different and we come with all sorts of baggage. I am extremely fortunate to have found my soul mate and to be part of the marriage where love has grown stronger every year. Crossdressing is not a focus, but it is a facet of our relationship. My wife could not understand me without understanding my need to crossdress. We were friends first, started dating after her divorce from a macho guy who thought he was God’s gift. Our relationship is based upon respect, commitment and a very healthy sense of humor.
Here are our personal bullets of success:
· Tell her early that you are a crossdreser. For me, it was our third date. Granted, we knew each other eight months before we started dating. But I told her early because I didn’t want to deceive. I told her that I had something important I wanted to tell her “I love silky women’s clothing, I love the feel and look of beautiful gowns, dresses and lingerie.” She thought about it a few moments, then replied “So do I. What is the big thing you want to tell me?” She was a model, now is a clothing designer, she loves clothes, so do I. It has become something we share. But I found out later, given some of the crap she had encountered in her previous marriage, this was nothing – one of her expressions is “it’s just clothing.”
· Be a GREAT husband. I’ve chatted with quite a few crossdressers who blame the dissolution of their marriage on crossdressing. After talking awhile, I begin to realize, some guys are selfish and self-absorbed and ignore their wives and expect total understanding without giving it themselves. They blame the relationship failure on intolerance towards dressing, but their behavior remains boorish. You need to give understanding in order to receive it.
· Be a GREAT provider and father. If you are doing all you can to provide for your family and raise children who feel loved, your turn will come to receive that love and comfort. Make the extra effort – it will not be wasted. I telecommute 80% of the time, my wife knows that I work best when wearing a blouse and skirt. My production is probably 30% higher while I am dressed. She gets it and is accustomed to seeing me dressed is silks and it seems normal.
· If you want to wear her shoes – Walk in her shoes. I cook, I clean, I wash clothes. So does my wife. I’ve learned to do a manipedi. I helped sew my daughters prom dress (I’m a better sewer than my designer wife). We are partners. We share the responsibilities of raising our family and share relaxing with feminine delights.
· Keep your perspective. I am a husband and father first. Crossdressing is my hobby. It is one I share with my wife and has become a special retreat for us both. But I know my priorities and keep them in order.
· The desire to crossdress will NEVER go away. It won’t. But it is only a negative if you and your partner view it that way. We have found a way to make crossdressing our private haven and a source of fun and exploration. One of her requirements was that I learn to sew. But I now make outfits that fit. That is a real thrill.
I cannot pass, no amount of hormones, surgery would ever make me appear to be anything but a guy wearing a dress. I exercise and try to keep my weight down and I don’t like plus sized fashions (so sorry, they are too dowdy).
Here are some advantages of being in a relationship with a crossdresser:
· You can never have too many clothes, shoes or purses
· No complaints about shopping
· No decoration is too feminine
· We actually give thoughtful opinions about style
· Give lots of feminine holiday presents
· And personally, the degree of trust and commitment in our relationship is huge. She has made it OK for me to express all of who I am. I sleep in women’s nightwear every night and have for our entire marriage. I have it great, I know it and will not do anything to screw up my marriage. For you ladies, if the guy is an otherwise decent guy, try empathy and understanding, you may be rewarded with a relationship of love and commitment that is legendary.
I’m wishing happiness, understanding and balance to all of you.
Alana
Well said Alana.. I’m on the same page..
My husband is a cross dresser that desnt bother me at all. What I am having a problem with is the spending of money it would be the same complaint no matter what the fetish or hobby was. He is uncomfortable. About his cross dressing. I don’t know how to get him to be ok with it that it doesn’t matter it doesn’t change his heart but to understand he can’t buy everything we have kids and bills. Anyone with any ideas for help.
Oh and the spending and he still hides and lies is ruining our marriage. I loove him and want a way for this to work
Oh honey, you’re in a tough situation. It sounds like you’ve had some good conversations with him already, which is normally the first step. Do you think it would help to sit down with him and budget spending for his feminine items? Help him to put it in context with the kids and bills. I wonder if making him seem accepted would help him stop hiding the spending from you.
This is tricky, because as you say it could be any hobby that he could do this. Best of luck dear!
Im sad. Ive known 6years that hes a CD. Ive even tried to help by getting dressed up with him. I love the way he is. He is very uncomfortable being CD doesnt do it at all juet buys clothes alot even with a closet full. I get angry cause of the money spent and then never wears it. I have now started sleeping in another room so he can have time to himself and be happy. Its killing me inside all i do is cry now. I want to be partners i wamt honesty i want openness. Am i asking to much? I hate sleeping seperate bedsrooms so he can be happy. Are CDs usually selfish like this or am i wanting more out of him then i should?
Oh Kris,
I can feel your pain coming through so clearly, and my heart goes out to you dear. I’m not sure if it’s because he is a CD, though my guess would be that there is something else keeping him from being able to be honest. Most crossdressers would love to have their significant other involved in that part of their life.
Does he belong to any crossdresser organizations or support groups? That might be a way for him to become more comfortable with himself and open up to you. If you’re in a large city you can probably find one.
Blessings,
Vanessa
I too was married to a CD. WHen he began to “reveal” himself to me, always in bed, I found it a playful game, him slipping on my panties and having sex with me, but in a few short months I was angry and fed up! I felt I has been decieved when I married him, and It began to bother me so much I divorced him. Time past, I began dating, and always in the back of my mind, I wondered if my date liked to dress up too. My ex- and I actually became better friends after the divorce and I realized how different he was when he was dressed. He also explained how he had often been “dressed” as a child by his sister and even his mom helped. He had no male image in his life, so he was very accepting of this, believing that by dressing up for them he was pleasing them and also himself. After I learned the truth, I felt bad for him, and actually allowed him to come over and dress for me. We began “role” playing and I discovered how docile and submissive he was during those sessions.As I took more and more control over him, I began to find my own “fetish”!! After a while, we grew apart and he went his own way. I heard he lived most of his “civilian” life in drag, but I must admit he did make a lovely women and was very passable. Even though I prefer other women in my life now, I do still date, and I find myself seeking men of slight build and rather shy. I take great excitment in finding out if they dress, and if not I help them “discover” themselves. In either case, I help to feminize them, seeing how far I can take them. I enjoy having control over them, and have them keep me amused and satisfied. I haven’t found too many that don’t “want to take the next step”. I don’t know if this type of man has a hormone imbalance to begin with, but I have met so many men who seem to prefer being feminized and sissified. Maybe it’s something in the water!! I do know that I owe my ex some credit for giving me a new “pleasure” in life. The strange thing is that in most of my female relationships, I prefer the other woman to be in control, I find that highly stimulating……must be something in the water!!
hi
i am alone male
i like marriage with one white cd
My husband is a crossdresser and I found out after 30 years of marriage. I am so angry, and resentful about this lie. I would have never married him had I known. So, now what. Thanks alot there Bub…you should have told me. Thanks a whole hell of alot.
Hi Mary,
I can feel your pain as you ponder on this matter. I have always felt that as a crossdresser that everyone I have ever gotten involved in on an intimate or emotional level should be informed and know about this part of me right away so that the woman would know this in advance about me. Honesty as always worked for me and I have never had any surprises with those that are and were significant others to me.
Its natural for you to feel the way you do and at the same time your husband did what many others do as well which is to hide it and keep it from you maybe because he might have been one that felt it was under control in his personal life and that he was only into it as a slight fetish and engaged in it periodically only to self discover that he had more of a connection to it than he did 30 years ago. He more than likely was too embarrassed to tell you 30 something years ago thinking to himself that he loved you so much that he dare not tell you and chance losing you which many others do that as well. He may have also thought he would kick the habit so to speak but in many cases that never happens and the person seems to have the need to crossdress forever into their old age. Also, many wives that do find out about this behavior also react as you have and out of love they manage their anger and hurt and disappointment over time and then they want to know why why why and some women have open their hearts and mind to the matter and then tried to understand their husbands need or desire to cross dress and begin to learn more of what makes a cross dresser tick although no two cross dressers are the same in regards to why they dress en femme. You may ask yourself or your husband the inevitable question and ask if he is gay or bi but only he can answer that and in most cases of married cross dressers, the husband is a heterosexual man that is not gay and does not dress to attract a man. Some dress out of a deep respect and admiration for womanhood and femininity. Some wives have discovered from interacting with other wives of cd’s that there is a positive side to this as well. Some women who do accept their husband as a crossdresser and open up the dialogue and communication to probe and learn more about their husbands feminine side discover the splendor and bliss that can be elicited from their husbands femme self. When a crossdresser becomes accepted by their spouse, there can be a whole new element of love and affection that arises from within the marriage. As a lifelong cd myself, as I was accepted by the few [all] women in my life that I have shared this with, it has enhanced the relationship and deepened it beyond our expectations and I learned how to be a much better man and lover by expressing my femme side within the relationship. There are hundreds of benefits of dating a cd or being married to one just as there are also possible adverse consequences as well. I could write about this subject for hours although I wont do that here. Feel free to write me if you would like to further share your anger and emotions to someone who loves to listen. I will gladly give you my email address if you want to talk further.
~Hugs~
Marlene
WOW i really got lucky my girlfriend was so happy i told her i was cross dressing i used to wear her panties and she seen them on me one day i come home from work and she handed me a bag and told i could wear my own i open the bag it was 2 packs of sexy panties then i moved up to skirts jeans Bras what ever i wanted she would buy for me i was so happy i love wearing women clothes she know it it take the stress away i get dressed about every day i even went out shopping in women clothes with my G/F she said hse as the best of both worlds
As a woman who is married to a cd who did not come out until after ten years of marriage, fourteen years total, I have done a ton of research on this and it really is split in two. Either accept it or don’t. But I have developed a theory on this – because I found one common thread: it began before they were sexually active men, prior to adolescence. I believe cd men idolize women (their mothers in particular) and want to emulate them. They dress in their mother’s and sister’s clothes. They create a female identity. This gives them the comfort their child male side needs. I believe it is a type of multiple personality disorder that escalates in adulthood into two distinct persons living in one body. As the cd boy progresses into adolescence and his sexual desires emerge, the female persona becomes more than just a personality. It becomes a sexual being. This is why I constantly read about the anal sex, the erections when dressed. It is sex with your female self, no rejection, constant adoration, the whole package that men crave from women but seldom get. The she-porn is the ONLY proof of existence for these men. When they see “chicks with dicks” (even though it is not real but medically induced fantasy) they become convinced that they exist – two people, one body, one couple. Poor wife, you are basically a beard – a receptacle for semen, and proof to the rest of the world that they are “normal”. Dear Vanessa, I adore your site and all your hand holding of the poor wives, and advice to “grab a vine and swing on in” but it just is far more complicated than that for us. Patting us on the head and “hugs” don’t make this shit go away. This is not being bitter, it is saving ourselves and admitting we were lied to. Cd men should NEVER lie and make women feel bad about themselves for NOT being okay with this. I am not a hateful person. I love my husband. But he is different, and it biols down to sex. It always, always does, no matter how pretty of a paint stroke you wish to put on it. And this sex was NOT what I wanted. Unfortunately, I do not have a “daddy” side that is going to swoop in and tell me I can do whatever the hell I please, and hubby is just going to have to see a shrink. I think cd men a d the women who are into it should seek each other out, not cd men find women who expect a sex life of their choosing and then years into it be told “oops, there is this little thing I’ve been meaning to bring up”. If you are “cool” with it, by all means, carry on. But deep down few women embrace this. And it is cruel of you to endorse it to women who don’t want it as something they need to accept and embrace. YOU were the ones who deceived. Cd me who lie to their wives want to present as non-cd. Ladies, he takes himself out of the closet, he puts you in. ALONE. It’s lonely in there. Get out now!
When it comes to a cross dresser considering and approaching marriage with a woman then the best policy is to be honest and upfront from the time you begin to date and allow the woman to know of this hobby or fetish or lifestyle you have been engaged in. Honesty works much better and has better outcomes. A cross dresser that is heterosexual and wants to date women and eventually get married are better off sharing their femme side as soon as possible right after the acquaintance phase takes place so that the woman can be informed of your cross dressing. Show them your best photo first and then talk about it and offer educational books or support groups for wives and girlfriends of cross dressers. Personally, I have had great success with this approach. If a woman loves her man then she will consider seeing more of her mans femme side. If she is turned off from it then she can talk it over and make that clear and walk away from it early on in the relationship before it gets too serious. Yes, there is a risk to the cross dresser of feeling embarrassed or ashamed but its much less of risk and chance of shame and embarrassment to have to tell your kids and a divorce lawyer 5-30 years later when you get caught or she finds pics of you or emails or online profiles of you en femme. There are many women out there in this lovely world that accept and embrace crossdressing in their men if they are introduced to it early on in the relationship. Not every woman in my life has embraced it with me but none of the many women I have told ever rejected my honesty and outed me or up and left me after I told them about it and showed them a few pics shortly after we met. I have had many positive experiences with women that have accepted it. I have a very loving gg gf [genetic girl - girlfriend] that accepts me en femme and participates with me to the maximum pleasure for both of us. We keep a good balance of it within our relationship and I’m content with my man role as well as I have contentment when dressed en femme. Many people know about my cross dressing because I have placed my trust in select people and no one has ever outed me or shamed me. Each of us are different and we all have different reasons why we dress and why we tell others and why some dont ever tell anyone. My point is.. dont wait years to tell someone who you are in a relationship with or married to.. be fair to them.. ya never know,,, they may accept it and the bliss will last an eternity if it is managed properly between the cd and his gf or wife..
~hugs~
Marlene