When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss – your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise – let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Cross Dresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives – they are often trying to tell us more.
HI FOLKS:
I wasn’t abused as a child, but did sleep with my stepmother and think she willingly let me play with her, pretending to sleep. In elementary school, I would get home by myself and dress up in her panties, bra, garter belt and masturbate into her panties. If she knew from doing the wash, she never said.
Very heterosexual history many years later, but still love to wear women’s undergarments a lot and have been married a long time. “Good news” is my wife actually likes for me to pretend to be a woman sexually and pleasures my mouth as if it is vagina and tongue as clitoris and likes me to “hide” my package and loves for me to do oral sex for her. Sometimes she will let me put her panties on, but not usually?
So, when she’s away, I sneak downstairs, put on her silkiest panties, a nice blue half slip, and take a dildo type device and pretend I’m being really taken by a man and cum into her panties. If she sees this doing laundry, she never mentions it.
I would like to take to next level and more fully dress up and have her fully undress me and seducee me as a woman, but she seems afraid to go that far. I know she had some lesbian quick hits with close friends many years ago and still seems to fantizie about that eiether form my pleasure, hers or both.
Advice?
Im 33 yrs old my husband is 45 yrs old we have not long been married goin on 3 yrs. last yr he came to me and told me had to tell me something, I didnt know what was coming but never imagined what he told me. He had said yrs back 20ish he had dressed up in womans cloths and used toys on him self and had them used on him by previous gf and he enjoyed it. Then he said approx 10 yrs ago he had a bi experience with another man he said the experience was enjoyable although he did freak out a little when he ejaculated got his cloths and left. Few yrs went by he was single at this time he would go to motel for a day dress up and use toys on himself he went through phases where he would buy cloths, make up, wigs, high heals, toys, ect. dress up. Then he would start to feel guilty and throw it all away. When he told me all this I was in shock didnt know what to say, think or do, I didnt really say much of nothing but sure didnt like it. I tried to put it out of my mind and thought it was his past I tried to forget it and yes my worst fear was him bringing it up wanting to do it again.
Our sex life has had its up and downs I guess I can say. My husband has heart problems and is on meds as well. When we met he said he had a low sex drive as mine was alot higher we didnt have sex often went through stages kinda was once a week at times, we played around watched porn couple times a week, then went back to maybe once a week, then every other week then maybe once a month. It started becoming a problem I just felt as he didnt want me or as if I didnt turn him on and he swear it wasnt me just low sex drive. I finally stopped trying to turn him on or mess with him sexually as I would get the let down feeling, it hurt. That went on for some time and my husband came to me and suggested I find me a fwb to satisfy a need he wasnt filling. It took me a few months to accept it and finally did. My husband found me a fwb set it up but one condition he wanted to see pics. The thought of me doin this really seemed to turn him as the pics did as well.
My husband started making comments about dressing up again and all finally one day I just gave in and went with it I dont know why maybe to get some the attention from him Ive been wanting again and was trying to understand and make him happy. I went bought a wig and we both went the adult store got toys, lingerie and make up went home he went in bathroom put make up and came out we played around I used toy on him. Although it was awkward and I didnt have a clue what I was doing I guess it wasnt that bad but very different seeing him dressed as a woman. He said then he didnt want to do it again as it was awkward. Few months went by he brings it up again by this time our sex life is much of nothing and he looks at craigslist alot all categories and watches porn alot (shemale,cross dressing, stapon, ext.) jacks off doing so on his rain days and to be honest that really bothers me because of our sex life he deprives me from it and makes me feel as he would rather jack off then have sex with me. Hes brought up and made comments about the glory hole till I got tired of hearing it I finally said to go even though I really didnt want him to I told him I was fine with it so he went said nothing happen but he went a few times through out the weeks. My husband says he’s bi bottom and has fantasy were he is dressed up in lingerie and gets banged by a guy in another words he wants to be someones bitch. As I love my husband and would do most anything to please him and make him happy Im trying to understand and be open as I can about this all so we try playing again with each other. I did his make up this time was fun doin it as we joked around and all during. I took pics of him dressed up didnt really look to bad I did good job lol then we fooled around I took charge pleased him with toy. I didnt want to be pleased was trying to let it be about him we finished wasnt bad he really seemed enjoy it. Not long after that he wanted to bring a man into so would be the 3 of us, I agreed was willing to try but when it happened I wanted to leave I didnt want to be there and the next day I really didnt want my husband to touch me had alot going through my mind and told my husband it made me sick to my stomach. After that he didnt bring it up for awhile and didnt want to talk about it he still watched porn when I wasnt home and all. Its caused alot of arguments we have never fussed till this and seems this is all we fuss about, our lack of sex life and bi stuff. Couple months ago he brings it up again same stuff glory hole, ect. but now our sex life is nothing as he says its not staying hard says its the meds but has been on meds almost 6 months pretty much all the passion and all is gone except for the kisses on the forehead in the mornings and being held at night if we not fussin about this. I try to tell him how I feel and there is more than sex in a relationship but a woman still needs to feel wanted and physical touch. Anyway he goes to the glory hole and this time somethng happens he give a man oral and gave guy hand job and went into a both with a guy and the guy fked him and he said he loved it. That weekend I got alot of attention kisses ect and him thanking me for letting him do it and now wants to take it further. He wants us to experience this with another man again or men. We still agrue about it and about our sex life and lack of it, its hard even though Im trying to understand and be open its hard as hell and puttin a big strain on us. Im not sure what more I can do.. I just my husband to be my husband and want me.
Hi Lisa, your story sounds so very familiar and common and I’d love to write my response although I know it would be a detailed and long response in which I don’t have time to respond right now at the moment. Feel free to email me sometime or I could write a response soon when I have the time to do so. My email is m2fcdgirl@yahoo.com and my name is Marlene if you want to write me and talk about this. Otherwise, I will try to respond on here as soon as possible.
~hugs~
Marlene
Well Lisa, I actually divorced my husband over the same scenario. After we divorced he was able to come and talk to me and I understood a lot better. We became friends after that and actually had A number of sexual encounters that were quite enjoyable. I found when dressed he became very submissive and though we didn’t have conventional sex, he loved to perform orally, which I not only enjoyed, I started to prefer it. I taught him to do makeup, how to dress properly, walk and talk. It turned out to be rather fun. After a while we drifted apart and I know that he took hormones and now lives as a shemale 24/7.
I would suggest you try the approach of oral sex, and if you want the real thing find a man on your own, someone you feel sexually attracted to. After you feel comfortable with it, let him watch, or even do clean-up duty. You don’t have to feel less in love with your husband, and your male friend need only be a sexual outlet. Some men just feel inferior and want their wives to have other men, maybe he is one of them. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, he just has a strong need for a very different outlet for his sexual needs and desires. Some of them end up like my ex-, wanting to live their lives as a woman. If that happens and you can deal with it, you would simply have a girlfriend instead of a husband.
De–Very sound advice!
It’s good to see some common sense rather than people getting overly emotional to the level where reason is not possible!
Well, see my wife accepted me as me that wasn’t the problem. It was my son at first. He told me when he was a teenager he didn’t accept that part of me. My daughter had always told me she had no problem with it. Then after she went to college and was living at the dorm she emailed me to tell me what a bad parent I was because of this part of me. She told me that I was wrong for being who I was. Now that they live on their own I believe I was wrong to live openly in front of them. I should have hid it from them. I hate myself for coming out to them. I do feel I was being selfish.
Hello everyone,
I am so very sad to say my wife of 26 years passed away November 12, 2012. I can’t tell you how much I miss her. I am lost without her. She was my everything. She accepted me as soon as I told her about me. She never had a problem with it. We had names for each other. I called her Angel and she called me Pookie Bear. We told each other everyday we loved each other and we hugged and kissed everyday. I just can’t believe she’s gone. I feel like this is a bad dream.
A lot of us married crossdressers had no ideal we were intrested in this when we were young–We’ve changed with time!
The same as changing tastes in food or what cars we like-We discover new things all through life!
Cuckhold Don London Ontairo
Hello, I have not told my wife yet and I wish I could. I have kids also and thats one reason I havent. I dont thing they would understand at all. My wife I dont know. She like to “hump” me and definitly likes to tease on top. although when we have sex, she just never seems to get into it. I have hinted and been almost caught several times but she seems to denie it. Sh does make comments at me and everyonce in a while she looks at me that certain way you only know after 10 years of being married. Ever since I was a kid I like the feel of womens clothes. I like feeling sexy. I always wrestle with the idea of is it just sexual or what I like. I think both. I have tried stopping over and over. I always start again. This time I have a big collection and heck dont even buy male clothes anymore for myself. I love wearing womens clothes so much that I can waste days just modeling clothes. It actually is a problem. I wish my wife knew so I didnt have to hide it and live two lives which takes up a lot of time. Anyway I have never told anyone or written anything like this before. I would love comments and advice.
Heidi
Heidi,
Why is it a problem? Is it because you have not told your wife? Heidi, you will never stop. It is part of you. What did you mean your wife makes comments at you? You say your wife never seems to get into it. But before that you said she likes to hump and tease you. I don’t understand. What does telling your wife have to do with your kids? You can tell your wife without telling the kids. What I think you need is to get some counseling with someone that deals with gender identity.
~Lori
Heidi–Children are the Most accepting in society-the younger the More accepting–Hiding things from them(or anyone) just makes it more of a shock& you will have larger problems later!
I have been doing more research and found this forum. It was a shock to come home early and catch my husband walking about in bra and panties. He says he bought them and only has worn them once. I thought about discussing this with a close girl friend but I do not want her thinking “ewwww, TMI”. What does everyone think? Shall I belive him and would this be ok for girl talk with a couple girl friends?
Debbie
debbie-Talk with people but more 1 on one-but probably lots of differant folks for differant outlooks!
Think about it Logicly–Is his dressing Harmful to you in anyway?-(besides what a few of your closed minded friends might think!
Do you care about the man?
Can you imagine working this into your lifestye!
Just because it’s differant-Does that make it Bad(in your mind)?
I used to crossdress on ocassionally before my wife and I had children, but just stopped after our first child was born. Now that our last one has grown and moved out of the house my wife restarted my crossdressing for me. She came home one day recently with a shopping bag filled with a large amount of panties, bras and nightgowns for me. Last weekend she took me out to buy more dresses and bras. With all the new technology around these days she has me model for her completely made up as a woman, with all my different dresses and nightgowns, using her smartphone to take pictures of me. She encourages me to wear women’s clothing, heels, a wig and makeup all the time at home now. What used to be a mild fetish for me a long time ago has now become my wife’s full blown fetish. I do not mind at all, and am very happy to make myself into a woman without any concern that my wife might object. It is too bad that we live in a world that is quick to condemn anyone that doesn’t fit into the standard male/female roles laid out by society. I am very lucky to have a wife that is so open minded and actively taking a part in my crossdressing. If she had not encouraged this after our children moved out I probably would not have ever crossdressed again. I am glad that she did though.
I like to wear womens underwear. Silky satin and lace, smooth, shiny, stretchy underwear. Actually, I love to wear womens’ underwear. I even sleep each night in a long satin nightdress and panties. For me it is strictly a case of sexual arousal – I have no interest in becoming a woman or even being seen dressed as a woman outside my house other than as a “caught” scenario fantasy to enhance masturbation. Neither have I any interest in men – again excepting fantasy role play instructions from a dominant woman to perform sexual acts on another man (actually doing it is not attractive in the least). The feminine side of wearing lingerie is appealing and adds to the submissive role I enjoy in my fantasies, but I have no desire to be anything other than the man I am. My fantasies are about my being dressed in bra, panties, stockings, slips and suspenders by a dominant woman and then used sexually by her. I do not want to wear makeup or wigs unless required to during role play and I know how ridiculous I would look trying to really pass myself off as a woman. The feel of silky satin underwear and the restrictive sensation of stretchy satin control panties and corsets or elastic bra and suspender straps is incredibly arousing, but the point is that the underwear is feminine; it’s meant for women to wear. One of the main components of my fetish is the embarrassment at being a man dressed in ladies undies, being called a sissy or a girl and being made to perform sexual acts for the satisfaction of a beautiful woman. As the submissive partner doing whatever I am instructed to by a forceful or manipulative woman whilst dressed in feminine underwear is so stimulating to my imagination – all the time being kept in a heightened state of arousal in the hope of an eventual release of sexual tension. Most of this is, of course, just wishful thinking and imagination, as it probably is for most crossdressers or tranvestites or whatever you want to call us. I just think of it as my fetish, because, I admit, I’m very embarrassed by it. Whenever I dress up for a session of masturbation I am incredibly aroused and enjoy myself immensely, however, as soon as I have climaxed my shame kicks in and I can’t get undressed quick enough. I have had partners in the past who have perhaps put a pair of panties on me before sex for a giggle but I’ve never had the courage to say just how much I liked it or that I would like to go further. I just wish that women would realise that men like me are not gay, do not want to prance around in a tutu or become a woman and would be fantastically faithful and grateful partners if they could get over what must initially be, I’m sure, a very disconcerting disclosure. I’ve been on my own now for a long time, and, though I’ve had some chances at relationships, I’ve always steered clear to avoid the awful day when I would have to confess my fetish and hope that I had met an understanding lady. I’m not sure how many women there are in the world like that. In fact I’m quite sure that some of the letters supposedly from understanding wives on these sites are actually from men with hopeful and active imaginations. However I live in hope. Perhaps one day I’ll meet someone I like enough to take a chance. I will be sure though, to tell all before the relationship goes too far. I think in all conscience, that’s what I must do.
lets talk about our fetishes and or thoughts ,fantasies.we can confide in each other,maybe become friends.wandering4andme at y-hoo dot com