When you marry the man you love, you hope for a life of bliss - your own ‘happiness ever after’, but even the most optimistic of us will expect some challenges along this wonderful journey called marriage. You probably didn’t expect him to utter these fateful words, ‘Honey, I’m a Cross Dresser’.
A few weeks ago I wrote an article about what to do if your boyfriend is a cross dresser.
Today I’ll address some of the most common questions from wives who find out that their husband is a cross dresser. I highly recommend that you buy a copy of the book My Husband Wears My Clothes. It was written a few years ago by Peggy Rudd, a PhD and wife of a cross dresser. She provides loving insight into the how and why of cross dressing.
So what do you do when you find out for the first time? The most important thing to realize is that it is okay to feel shocked, uncertain and confused. It’s not every day that you meet a cross dresser, much less find out that your husband is one!
The next thing to realize, is that he is telling you this because he loves and trusts you deeply. He is probably just as scared as you are right now. You both need to be careful not to say anything that would hurt the other person.You’re both in a sensitive position. While you should respect that he it is difficult for him to share with you, you should also expect him to go as fast or as slow as you can handle.
The first thing to do is reassure him that you love him. This will be tough to do. You’re shocked and not in full control of your emotions, but even though you just discovered your husband is a cross dresser you need to show love.
So now you may be wondering:
He’s a cross dresser, is he gay? Probably not, most cross dressers are heterosexual
Why didn’t he tell me about his crossdressing sooner? This one is tricky, ideally he would have shared with you before you were married. Most likely he thought he could control it, he thought that being married would quell the urge to cross dress. That hardly ever (never) happens, and he probably put it off for so long because he was afraid of how you would react. Ironically, he has hid this secret from you for so long because he loves you so much!
Why does he cross dress? Phew, an even tougher but great question. I explored this in some detail in my article ‘why do men cross dress‘. The short answer is that no one knows for sure and many men have different reasons for why they cross dress, but most describe it as a need, an urge that won’t go away.
How can I make him stop cross dressing? You’re asking all the right questions love, but you probably won’t like the answer to this one. You can’t stop him from cross dressing. Sure, you’ll fight and he’ll promise not to cross dress, but a few months later you’ll find a pair of size 12 pink pumps in the wardrobe…
Does he want a sex change? Probably not. There are fewer transsexuals than cross dressers, so it is less likely that your husband has a desire to change his sex. Most cross dressers are happily married and only enjoy dressing part time.
So now what do I do? As I mentioned above, reassure him that you love him. Spend a lot of time in deep, open conversation with him about his desire to cross dress. Learn as much as you can about it (I know I sound like a used car salesman, but trust me buy this book!). Learn to compromise - let this grow you closer together rather than split you apart. Work with your husband to set limits that you are comfortable with as well. If you don’t want him to dress when your friends are around; let him know.
Tri-Ess has some great information and a Crossdressers wives bill of rights which makes for a great starting point as you and your husband come to a fair compromise about his cross dressing. There are many other good resources on the Internet. Also, take some time to explore Cross Dresser Heaven, I’ve gathered a number of resources that may be valuable for you.
Good luck, and please contact me if you need any support or advice!
Hugs,
Vanessa
P.S. Thanks to my lovely wife for reviewing this article before I posted it. As much as we listen, we need to be open to the precious woman in our lives - they are often trying to tell us more.
Tags: cross-dressing, Crossdressing Relationship Advice, my husband is a crossdresser, transgendered wedding, why do men crossdress
March 28th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
> Crossdressing often times slows down
> as one grows into their twenties
I wish someone had told me that when I was 22
Joking aside, I think (and to use a cliche) in my heart of hearts, I knew that I’d be back. So, thanks for sharing.
I met my future wife when we were both in our 20s. At that time I was - for want of a better word - ‘clean’ or ’straight’. I really thought I could stay on the wagon but much later on…. ‘course we all know how that little tale ended.
It’s a little over 10 years since I told her and H does her best to cope. I know she sometimes wishes I wasn’t like this (so do I some days) but it’s not the end of a marriage if you keep talking and comprimise is necessary. As someone once said, TG folk have had 10 - 20 years to get their heads around it, but wives and girlfriends? Only a fraction of that time.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Hehe
Yes. There’s always that small hope we have out grown cross dressing.
I can relate to what you’re saying - I think the thrill of going out with someone we’ll grow to love makes us forget about cross dressing. Mis leading us into thinking that we’re “cured”.
You said it right - if you keep talking and compromise. I think because we’re forced to do that with cross dressing, it may actually build a stronger marriage.
Thanks for you comments Lynn, I enjoy reading them!
Hugs,
Vanessa
June 8th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
i from turkey.
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:39 am
I crossdress, it turns me on, but i hate myself for it
October 20th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Well, I am in a difficult position, my Wife doesn’t know yet and on the other side I’m afraid to tell Her because it seems to me that She wouldn’t like the news. Of course, when I’m home alone I use Her’s nylons and garters (which I bought for Her ‘cos I told Her I like it madly - but I never told Her I like to wear it also
her shoes (with a little of pain because these are smaller) and I dream about She and I going out at the evening and me wearing her pantyhose under my trousers and only She and I would know it. This situation, I mean, only a thought about it turns me on. But I’m afraid it will never happen becuse I don’t know how to tell Her.
HELP PLEASE!
October 26th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Hi Vanessa~
My question is this, in a nutshell, he told me lastnight…I find it fantastic and have no issues with it….but, he said something that really boggles my mind and I can’t find any answers..I asked him if he would like me to shop for him for some welcome home gifts and he said yes…tops and bottoms..*trying to be discreet here*, he also said that was part of “the thrill, the attention”..what does that mean? Attention from who? Men, women, other CD’s, people in general? I am struggling with ths, because I don’t want a bombshell later if you know what I mean..can you help me?
Thank you..
Gaia
October 27th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Hi Gaia,
First, thank you for being so accepting and loving of your husband. It’s wonderful that you find it fantastic! Before I get into your question I think this is a great time to do some research - Peggy Rudd’s book above as well as the book “My Husband Betty” - http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/best-cross-dressing-book-my-husband-betty/ are both good resources.
To being part of the thrill, can you give me some more context? For me personally I enjoy looking as good as I can, and attention I appreciate would be the same as any woman who had dressed nicely and was complimented on it. I can only speak for myself, but attention from other women on how I’m dressed or presented is far more of a thrill than attention from men. And I think this is true for most crossdressers I know.
This may be a great place to continue the open and honest communication with your husband, share your concerns (and you support) with him. He also has a responsibility to be forthcoming now that he has told you.
Best wishes hon, please write again if you need more support, advice or just someone to listen.
Hugs,
Vanessa
November 8th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Hi Vanessa
Thought i would tell you our story. I told my wife(M) when i first met her, before we had even thought of getting married or even engaged.
It was a slow process at first as i introduced her to Elaine and my ‘extended’ wardrobe, which i believe ultimately helped her deal with any concerns.
As time went on i became more confident with who i was and i can only put this down to M! as she gradually changed my wardrobe and made me look younger and more stylish in the process.
We have great fun when we go shopping for both of us whether i am Elaine or not and we love going to events when we are able.
We have a great marriage(now in our 12th year) and 2 wonderful girls to boot. I love my wife and am truly blessed to have her in not only my life but my heart, thoughts and actions every single day.
Elaine
November 12th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Thanks for sharing Elaine, your story is one of hope for many crossdressers. It’s wonderful that you have such a positive and supportive relationship with your spouse, and that you’ve been able to integrate your crossdressing into your marriage in a way that both of you can enjoy.
December 8th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Dear Vanessa
I am marry to a Crossdresser and this is very difficult for me to accept. He never told me he was a CD. Before we were married i found him one night dressed up and i was very confused and furious. I thought with time this would change.
I love him very much, but his CD takes over and he never knows when to stop. I am very tired that every night when i come home i find him on CD, i have told him many times that i wished that he would respect the fact that i am home and he would do this when he is on his own.
I am very confused because i feel humiliated but he doesn’t seem to understand. His CD takes over and he makes it be more important than anything else.
I do not what to do. I know that every night he kills what is left of me and i am tired that i always get angry.
I need to know if i will ever learn to accept his CD.
December 21st, 2008 at 7:32 am
[...] of mine. She’s even helped review a few articles for Crossdresser Heaven such as ‘I married a crossdresser‘, though I’m still working on her to write an [...]
December 23rd, 2008 at 6:42 am
I’m from India. I’m very young. 18 years and I find crossdressing very exciting and erotic.
December 28th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Hi Dipankar,
Thanks for stopping by - it’s great to have you on Crossdresser Heaven. What’s it like in India? Is crossdressing taboo, or more accepted? I’ve read a few articles about the transgendered in India, but haven’t spoken with many crossdressers from India.
December 28th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Maria,
Thank you for your note. I know that this is a scary and confusing time, and you have a right to feel angry at him for not telling you before you’re married.
It sounds like you’re laying some of the blame, emotionally, on yourself for not accepting him. It also sounds like you’re more frustrated that he won’t listen to your concerns about CDing than with him actually being crossdressed when you get home. Him being crossdressed when you get home can be bad enough, but you may feel you’ve already told him not to, so he’s crossdressing and disrespecting you.
The best advice I can give is to communicate and search for balance. I’ve struggled to do this myself in my marriage - I would crossdress 3-4 times a week if I could, and my wife would have me never crossdress. Somewhere in between there it’s worth establishing boundaries that allow us both to feel validated and respected. As in any other area of marriage, whether it’s finances or who gets to choose the TV show to watch, reaching a compromise that works for both of you can make things go a lot smoother.
Love, please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you two. Best of luck!