crossdressed

Living between the man I am and the girl I want to be

By vanessa | Published March 10, 2008 | 41 Comments

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

If you are having similar struggles, dear reader, it would warm my heart to hear your story, your advice or even just your encouragement. Your comment below would be greatly appreciated.

41 Comments | Posted in Feminine Voice, Transgender News and Issues | Also tagged , , , , , Trackback URL.

Some changes to Crossdresser Heaven

By vanessa | Published March 9, 2008 | Leave a comment

Hi folks,

I’ve made a few tweaks to the website, to clean it up a bit, and make it easier to find articles based on categories. Hopefully this will make it easier for you to find what you’re looking for.

If there is anything you would like to see discussed in an upcoming article, please let me know and I’ll get make sure to include a post on it in the near future.

Thanks for reading – your comments and continued visits to www.crossdresserheaven.com keep me inspired to post more content about transgendered life, and the issues we face.

Hugs,

Vanessa

Leave a comment | Posted in Vanessa's Transgender Experience | Also tagged , , , , Trackback URL.

Sometimes the ‘men of God’ make me ashamed to be a Christian

By vanessa | Published March 3, 2008 | 13 Comments

In his quest to make ‘real men’ out of his parishioners Ken Hutcherson, pastor at the Antioch Bible Church in Kirkland, WA was quoted in a recent sermon saying:

“God hates soft men” and “God hates effeminate men.” He went on to say, “If I was in a drugstore and some guy opened the door for me, I’d rip his arm off and beat him with the wet end.”

Is that his answer to the question ‘What would Jesus Do?’

Perhaps king David was delusional when he said:

‘For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.’ – Psalms 139:13-14

Maybe the apostle John was misquoted in his old age when he said:

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” – 1 John 7-8

It seems ‘God is love’ only holds as long as you’re not a soft man. And by soft, could Hutcherson perhaps mean: ’sensitive, caring, kind and gentle’? Yes, that’s what I picture when I think of a soft man. It also sounds suspiciously like the fruits of the Holy spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22. I guess that makes me worthy to be ‘beaten with the wet end’ of my own arm.

Now, pastor Ken tries to pass this off as a joke. If we believe him, it’s one made in extremely poor taste. Joke or no, I think it points to something deeper – to the doctrine of hate being preached in so many churches across the country.

It is unfortunate that senior leadership among many Christian denominations has allowed themselves to be defined by what they hate. Anti-abortion and anti-gay. Against pre-marital sex and against gay marriage. Somewhere in all the rhetoric, the message of hope, faith and love Jesus Christ came to preach is lost. Along with that, we Christians are losing the ability to influence others for the kingdom of God. We are no longer seen as a refuge from the world, but rather a group of people who will heap on judgement and guilt until the fragile, broken person has been molded into our own version of Christian virtue and purity. We no longer love people as they are, but rather as we believe they should be. Those who don’t conform are quickly tossed aside. Demonized and alone.

In the word’s of Dr Seuss, the Christian church is quickly becoming those who ‘don’t matter’.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” -  Dr Seuss

P.S. I was looking at the Antioch Bible Church’s website, and my wife commented ‘uhoh, who designed that web page, that’s soft.’ Well, at least they’re ‘manly’ on the pulpit…

13 Comments | Posted in Christianity and Crossdressing | Also tagged , , , , , Trackback URL.

The pitfalls of being a good Christian crossdresser

By vanessa | Published February 29, 2008 | 6 Comments

There are Christians who ostracize the transgendered for being different. They say crossdressing is a sin. By submitting themselves to the will of the church, and fervently seeking God, a few of us have found freedom. Yet for most of us, no matter how hard we pray, how much we definitely want to be cured, how guilty we feel – we wake up each morning as who we are. A transgendered person. Not free, but shackled by the guilt heaped upon us by ‘loving’ and ‘well meaning’ Christian brothers and sisters.

There are other Christians who believe differently. Who believe that God loves the transgendered, and that who we are is not in. Many of these Christians have previously had the weight of the church’s disfavored poured upon them.

I believe, humbly, that whichever group of Christians we choose to believe, that there are dangers that lurk for us. If we submit to the first group, and label our transgendered-ness as sin, we label ourselves as sin. We do not accept who we are.. Then rather than let our light shine, we hide it under a bowl, trying to constrain our spirit. We live only the half-live of those who are afraid to love to much, or sing too loudly.

If we throw our lot behind those who accept and love us, we may be fooled into believing that our purpose is to be transsexual or transgender. In doing this we create a god our of our difference, and spend our days worshipping the desire to fully become woman.

Again Allyson has provided some insight for us.

I believe our challenge is to fully embrace who we are, while at the same time living for God. The transition is not an end unto itself, but a means to more fully fulfill God’s purpose in our lives.

Hugs, Vanessa

6 Comments | Posted in Christianity and Crossdressing, Transgender News and Issues | Also tagged , , , , Trackback URL.

Transgender 101

By vanessa | Published February 16, 2008 | 8 Comments

Gender identity can be difficult to understand, even for those of us who have struggled with our own. The video below gives a good overview of gender. Sex (which is the anatomical representation of our sex), Gender role (our expression of gender – masculine, feminine) and Gender identity (our self-identified gender). Thanks to Allyson for first introducing me to this video on her website.

8 Comments | Posted in Transgender Info, Transgender News and Issues | Also tagged , , , Trackback URL.

Christianity Today comes up short for the transgender community

By vanessa | Published February 12, 2008 | 8 Comments

Christianity Today attempts to address how Christian leadership should treat the transgendered, but fails both in their compassion for people who are transgendered, and their interpretation of God’s Word. They begin by describing the situation John Nemecek found himself in -  a former Baptist Pastor and long time dean at the Spring Arbor University had struggled for years with his gender identity. When he finally accepted his identity as a woman and found peace, he was fired from his job.

They demonstrate very clearly their lack of understanding by deriding what they term “liberal religious groups”, and say that “transgender impulses … don’t match up with the Christian sexual ethic.” I’ve been a Christian for most of my life and have no idea what the “Christian sexual ethic” is. Is it perhaps the ethic that rails against interracial marriage, or is the one that ensures woman are kept in their rightful place at home? It seems to me that the ‘Christian sexual ethic’ is conveniently defined to be whatever the conservative Christian community feels comfortable with this century.

Despite the paucity of their understanding of what God’s Word says about the transgendered, they do accurately recognize that a church community is likely to feel tension between welcoming us into their church, and keeping the peace with long standing church members. This is the unfortunate reality that we live in today.

I honestly think it is disgusting for conservative organizations to comment that we’re “wacky” and “radical”. I know very few transgendered folks who didn’t struggle for years to “be normal”.

“The transgender lobby is following the example of the homosexual lobby in that they are co-opting the language of the civil rights movement in order to push their own radical and wacky agenda,”

We are not a “violation of natural law” as some conservative Christian’s would have you believe. I do strongly believe that God can do anything, and should He choose to make us feel whole in the body we were born with, it is well within His power.

I am deeply angered by self righteous Christian who claim to know God’s word, yet they only choose to obey the commandments they conveniently self-selected.

Addendum:

After reading many of the comments on their website I’m heartened by the love, compassion and understanding so many of their readers have shown. I remain hopeful that if we would give it a chance, the love of Jesus Christ would shine through us all.

8 Comments | Posted in Christianity and Crossdressing, Transgender News and Issues | Also tagged , , , , Trackback URL.