t-girl

Living between the man I am and the girl I want to be

It feels so right. Exercising my feminine grace, sharing my soul with a friend or stranger, working on being beautiful. Becoming a woman seems like the worthiest outcome of my efforts, and whenever I think about the necessary practice and perfection to get there it lights a smile inside my soul.

Yet for all my strong desires to be a woman, I go to work on Monday without a trace of the girl within me. I do not need to suffer the sacrifice so many transsexuals make when they transition. And I wonder, is my desire for womanhood just a fantasy that amuses me in my time away from real life?

My lovely wife has been wonderfully supportive. She’s shown more support than I dreamt I would receive. Yet, she loves me for the man I am, and I know that going further down the path to womanhood would mean that I lose the most precious thing in the world to me – the relationship I have with my wife.

Somehow, it feels false for me to split my time between being a man and a woman. It feels more whole to be a man on the journey to womanhood. That even though it is slow, each step is deliberate with a well known end goal. To set such a definitive direction would mean so many things, not least of which are many uncomfortable conversations with those I love.

Don’t misunderstand my confusion – I have come to terms with being transgender – I love and accept that part of myself, along with the many other talents and gifts God has blessed me with. Yet I still struggle with how to express it in a fulfilling way. Unless I have a clear path before me, I resist the necessary practice in the feminine ways that would take me closer to being a woman. If being transgender is part time, more of a ‘hobby’ than a lifestyle for me, how can I be fulfilled?

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Navigating the transgender world: The difference between transsexuals, drag queens and cross dressers

For your typical heterosexual man or woman the transgender world can seem quite perplexing. Not only is the whole concept difficult to grasp (‘you’re a man, why do you want to be a woman?’), but even within transgendered there is great diversity.

None of this is helped by the myths that have become widely voiced within society. To begin with I will first dispel some of the most common myths about the transgendered:

Myth 1: The transgendered are homosexual

This is probably the most common misunderstanding. There is a difference between sexual orientation (straight, gay, bisexual) and gender identity (self identify as a man or a woman). The transgendered identify or express themselves as a gender that is different from one in which they were born. This video gives a good overview of the differences between sexual orientation and gender identity. Most transgendered are not homosexual, in fact the vast majority of crossdressers are straight.

Myth 2: All transgendered are sex workers, adult entertainers or freaks seeking attention

Thank you Jerry Springer for perpetuating this myth! Most of us live normal lives – we go to school / work, spend time with our families and friends and engage in other hobbies just like the rest of society. In fact, being treated as a normal woman is often a sufficient motivation that many of us endure long hours practicing and perfecting our femininity. It is unfortunate that discrimination has forced some transgendered people out of their jobs, and they feel they must turn to less wholesome professions in order to survive.

Myth 3: All transgendered want to get a sex change

This myth still causes controversy within the transgendered community, as some who have undergone sex reassignment surgery (SRS) struggle to understand why someone would act and dress as someone of the opposite sex without wanting a sex change. The truth is that the transgendered experience is a spectrum, from those who only occasionally wear clothes of the opposite sex, to those who undergo SRS and live full time as the opposite sex.

The Truth about Transgendered

I’m always weary of creating nice, neat categories, and then sorting people into these categories. This ignores the natural diversity, and by showcasing the differences can also increase discrimination and instill an ‘us vs them’ mentality. However, even with these pitfalls, I think describing the commonly used categorizations within the transgendered world we are able to have a better conversation about what it means to be transgendered. As you’re reading this, please do not try to define a person by the category, but keep in mind that while people may identify with a particular group it is only a small window into who they are as a human.

I mentioned earlier that transgendered is a spectrum. I’m going to define and discuss some points along this spectrum. For the purposes of brevity I’m going to talk about the male transgendered, though there are female to male transgendered as well.

Transgender: An umbrella term used to describe a person (male or female), who dresses or behaves in a way that is different from their sex at birth.

Cross dresser: A man who dresses in woman’s clothes either part time or full time. Often taking on the mannerisms and appearance of woman. Most crossdressers are straight, and many are in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex. Cross dressers normally do not want to feminize their body, or undergo SRS.

Transvestite: A person who cross dresses. The term cross dresser is preferred, as sometimes the term transvestite is (wrongly) associated with a transvestic fetish (which are those who occasionally use clothing of the opposite gender for fetish purposes).

Drag Queen (and King): A stage artist, host or performer who wears makeup and woman’s clothing with the purpose of entertaining or highlighting transgender issues. If only done for the performance, these people are not considered cross dressers.

Transsexual: A person who has the desire to live and be accepted as the opposite sex. Typically men will feel like ‘a woman trapped in a man’s body’. Having undergone SRS (or post operative transsexual) is not a requirement for being a transsexual. Often times a transsexual will take steps to feminize their bodies (e.g. through hormones)

Intersexed: A person who is born with sexual anatomy that does not fit the typical definitions of male or female. There are many different varieties of this difference, e.g. being born with genitals that seem in between male and female, or male on the outside, female on the inside, or even having both XX and XY chromosomes.

Some valuable resources for continued reading are:

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Sometimes the ‘men of God’ make me ashamed to be a Christian

In his quest to make ‘real men’ out of his parishioners Ken Hutcherson, pastor at the Antioch Bible Church in Kirkland, WA was quoted in a recent sermon saying:

“God hates soft men” and “God hates effeminate men.” He went on to say, “If I was in a drugstore and some guy opened the door for me, I’d rip his arm off and beat him with the wet end.”

Is that his answer to the question ‘What would Jesus Do?’

Perhaps king David was delusional when he said:

‘For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.’ – Psalms 139:13-14

Maybe the apostle John was misquoted in his old age when he said:

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” – 1 John 7-8

It seems ‘God is love’ only holds as long as you’re not a soft man. And by soft, could Hutcherson perhaps mean: ’sensitive, caring, kind and gentle’? Yes, that’s what I picture when I think of a soft man. It also sounds suspiciously like the fruits of the Holy spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22. I guess that makes me worthy to be ‘beaten with the wet end’ of my own arm.

Now, pastor Ken tries to pass this off as a joke. If we believe him, it’s one made in extremely poor taste. Joke or no, I think it points to something deeper – to the doctrine of hate being preached in so many churches across the country.

It is unfortunate that senior leadership among many Christian denominations has allowed themselves to be defined by what they hate. Anti-abortion and anti-gay. Against pre-marital sex and against gay marriage. Somewhere in all the rhetoric, the message of hope, faith and love Jesus Christ came to preach is lost. Along with that, we Christians are losing the ability to influence others for the kingdom of God. We are no longer seen as a refuge from the world, but rather a group of people who will heap on judgement and guilt until the fragile, broken person has been molded into our own version of Christian virtue and purity. We no longer love people as they are, but rather as we believe they should be. Those who don’t conform are quickly tossed aside. Demonized and alone.

In the word’s of Dr Seuss, the Christian church is quickly becoming those who ‘don’t matter’.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” -  Dr Seuss

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Indians welcome transgendered star – confront ‘hush hush’ subject

India’s newest talk show has it’s own Oprah Winfrey-esque star, and she’s transgendered! Rose, formerly known as Ramesh Venkatesan will host the show that will be viewed by up to 64 million people. While her mother refuses to see her in a sari – the traditional dress of Indian women – Rose will share her story, and views on sex, relationships and gender with Indians living in the southern state of Tamil Nadu.

Much like a few years ago in the US, transgender people in India are seen as immoral and evil, and find it difficult to obtain conventional jobs. This is true, even though the Hijra (a male or intersexed person who refer to themselves as female and usually dress as a woman) have been a part of Indian culture for many centuries. Rose recounts stories of her family sunning her, and losing her job when she first started dressing as a woman.

I see this as an important step for the transgender community in India. The first step to acceptance is for more people to be exposed to transgendered who represent a positive role model. This gives people a language they can use to talk about gender identity beyond using words like ‘weird’, ‘gay’, and ‘perverse’. They can come to see us as people, and though we are different, we are also the same.

I’m hopeful that Rose will become an accepted and widely watched program in India, and reinvigorate the tolerance and gender diversity that was so widespread before the British occupation.

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