It has been a long time since I wrote to you – I have so much to say, but first I want to apologize. Some of you may have received an email from me with a very old article. The last few days I’ve been working to move Crossdresser Heaven over to a more stable server, and I must have done something that sent out the email. Quite what I’m not sure – computers can be like that sometimes, can’t they? [Thanks to all of you who emailed me confused as to why I was sending out such an old email!]
I believe, and hope and pray, that all my surgeries are now over. Last year I had facial feminization surgery, as well as a vaginoplasty. A few weeks ago I had a labiaplasty and breast augmentation. My body has been contoured and cut, moved, shaped and stitched back together. The pain has not only been physical, but emotional as well. It has been a long road back to full health, and I’ve still got a few weeks yet before I’m there.
I did have a breakthrough this weekend, when I realized that I am not ashamed. I had been steadily beating my shame back, and every time it would find a cunning way to ensnare me. I believe, and hope, that I have purged the last of my transgender shame. Take a moment to click on the link above to read my full story – I’d love to hear your experiences overcoming shame.
It has been a long road back, but the further I travel the more I notice how colorful the flowers along the roadside are, the more I appreciate the caring smiles of those I hold dear.
May your week be a blessed one!
In a few days I’ll embark on the next phase of my journey to let my true self shine for all to see. There have been many milestones along the way. Some have been relatively easy such as starting hormones. Others have been a momentous emotional occasion, like legally changing my name, and yet others have been filled with fear and trepidation as I went full time so many months ago.
The next milestone awaiting me promises to be be a physically challenging endeavor laced with emotional upheaval. A life changing surgery awaits me, in hours so short I can count them. Facial feminization surgery will be the first surgery of any kind that I’ve had, and the prospect looms even larger in front of me because of this.
Make no mistake, I’ve pondered long and hard the need for this surgery. I’m blessed that the ravages of testosterone on my body have left my face remarkably untouched. I have not needed to struggle as hard as some to blend in. While SRS is a non-negotiable necessity, some may view facial feminization surgery (FFS) as a narcissistic luxury. Yet those who would only be looking on the surface, and counting what their eyes can see not what their heart cannot hear.
For the first time in my life, I look in the mirror with love for the person staring back at me. Yet even amidst this love my soul harbors a deep disquiet. As if a past before memory calls out to me in a mocking tone, reminding me of all the ways I’m not complete. It’s like looking into the cool oasis waters and seeing a mirage of yourself, wondering whether the real person exists.
As many times as I ask myself, my answer is always, “Yes, I need this to be whole. To be who I am.”.
So, to the lovely ladies of Crossdresser Heaven, I ask for your love, prayers and thoughts of care at this time. You may not hear from me for a while as I recover unless the writing inspiration strikes me with force and I can schedule a few articles in advance.
Your typical male crossdresser will occasionally wear woman’s clothes. Perhaps a single article of clothing, such as pantyhose or a bra. Or perhaps he’ll go all out and get dressed up, even wearing makeup and a wig. Some of us go to the next level in our quest to…
Pass as a genetic woman
I felt I had to write that in large font. In my mind I hear those words echoing like the booming voice of a fake god on a cheesy television show. As if passing is a judgement we must face, a test we must pass or face the crossdressing shame of ridicule.
Okay, enough melodrama for one post. I was thinking about some woman who go further, perhaps permanently or semi-permanently altering their appearance. To put forth a more convincing feminine appearance, or perhaps to feel the luscious covering of feminine silkiness throughout the day.
Personally, I have pierced my ears, and have had laser hair removal on my face and most of my body. I used to wear my hair long, before my wife lovingly convinced me that she preferred to see me as a man every once in a while Same story with my nails, though to tell you the truth once they got much longer than a quarter inch it became tough to do everything things as easily. I get my eyebrows waxed on a fairly regular basis in a high arching feminine style, and make sure to moisturize regularly.
That’s a few of the things I do to go ‘above and beyond’. I don’t take hormones, which would probably help my femininity even more. I try to incorporate feminine movement and voice tips, such as those in this crossdressing how to, though I’m not as diligent as I could be.
What permanent or semi-permanent changes have you made to your body, voice or mannerisms to appear more feminine?
Which change were you most apprehensive about?
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