I am well into my 65th year in this world and it is no surprise that I find myself looking back on my life now and then. In view of the dramatic changes I made around two years ago, my thoughts have moved into a particular area of my life.
While I am very happy and comfortable being anywhere, I cannot help the feeling I get when I meet new people. I haven’t managed to get past the surprise that people accept me for who I am. Perhaps it’s because of the very long period of my life that I kept Sophie in the shadows?
The point to me writing this is partly due to the mindset that I had a couple of years back that launched me into this life I now love and enjoy as much as I can.
I take you back to my life when I was first married and enjoyed dressing when I could. That basically means when I was on my own for a period of time. Maybe because my birth sign is Scorpio on the cusp of Sagittarius, but I was a sexually driven individual. When I dressed I found that I was more than often aroused and carried out certain activities, if you know what I mean? I believe that is fairly common and something that is linked to dressing for many. It was never due to a lacking sex life, simply something that I was drawn to. As I grew older and into my 50s, I realized that I really preferred just being dressed, the whole act was more about that sensation and a natural and comfortable feeling that it gave me.
I have never been with another man or desired that. I enjoyed relationships with the women in my life, but deep down I always wished that I was one. Maybe that was my connection. A concept evolved of what happens mentally, chemically, or whatever it was, when I had the desire to dress. It goes like this: Having been brought up a male, my head was full of the concepts and life associated with that. Dressing engaged those thoughts and emotions and there lies the key. Because the act is so powerfully driven by feelings and emotions, I considered that a kind of short circuit occurred between the two sides, male/female. The result – conflict. Hence the feelings of guilt, self-disgust, etc. I am not sure how much that it helped to have this concept in my mind, but once you can admit to any issue, you are on the way to resolving it in my opinion. I did find a way to not only love myself but accept who and what I am and have been all this time. That single one thing was an aspect that eluded me until very late in life. It was a very emotional and powerful day that I realized that I had never really loved myself. That was the first day of my new life and one I shall never forget.
In the earlier years between my 20s and 50s, I would often feel unhappy with myself for doing what I did. Why? I was married and enjoyed a good sex life. I had a good quality of life in general and struggled to understand what drove me to do such a thing. A feeling that I know now is that many find themselves in this situation and as a result may purge their loved and cherished items, again and again, only to buy more at a later date. How very sad a process that is.
The one thing that dominated my decision to live as a woman was the real desire to be a woman, and be externally the same as the person I have been internally for all of my life. Any association with sex was never a part of this choice and after some time taking estrogen, I am happy to report that all male desires have ceased. It’s over six years since I had an intimate relationship. All that remains now is a small body part as a reminder of my birth gender. Later this year I expect to begin the process of correcting that. Maybe then I will stop questioning myself? I know that I will never be a woman in the eyes of some, but in my eyes I am, and I am already the happiest I have been during my life.
I will end this with an observation that I made recently while working as a chef for the summer season and my first season of work as a woman. An observation that shows me that I still have much to learn in my new life. In conversations with the restaurant owner, I realized that to get recognition, being good was not enough to gain you that as a woman. You need to be excellent at what you do. I can deal with that, but I feel that I have only scratched the surface on the subtleties of life as a woman. That statement may well be seriously flawed in the use of the word ‘subtleties’ but going forward I am certain that I will find out one way or another.