Often times in the middle of a dressing session while experiencing the absolute joy of being my true self I can’t help but think of all the years I missed out on. Self acceptance was a long journey for me. There were a lot of years of guilt, shame and embarrassment before coming to the realization that this is who I am. Loving who and what you are may be a given for most people but for a lot of women like me it’s not. Learning to love who I am is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Once I accepted myself I came to view crossdressing not as a curse but as the true gift it is. I love being a crossdresser and wouldn’t change if I could.

I can remember my younger years admiring women, not just because I found them attractive but also because what they were wearing looked so cool, and it made me want to wear the same thing. Still today I see women everywhere and wish I could look like them, or I wonder how they did their hair or makeup or where they got those shoes or that dress and so on. During game seven of the World Series this year (the only baseball game I watched all year) it occurred to me that most boys probably want to be like their favorite baseball player or football player or musician, but for me it seems like I’ve always wanted to look like (and be like) the women I admired. Everyone has role models so why can’t mine be women? My primary role model is my wife of over 30 years. I just love her sense of style and how she does her hair and makeup. She has been such a sweetheart about my dressing and has helped me so much to become who I am today. Since coming out to her and giving her the time and space she needed to process it things have gotten so much better. Our shopping trips are my favorite. Whether we are looking for clothes or makeup or whatever it is so much fun to have that in common with someone I care so much about. Also she is unbelievably good at matching colors.

On to the title of the article. “What My 59 Year Old Self Would Tell My 29 Year Old Self” could have also been “What My Single Self Would Tell My Married Self” or any other “Pre Realization Self Would Tell My Post Realization Self”. The most important piece of advice I can give any young crossdresser is to make allowances and structure your life in such a way as to accommodate your dressing. The urge is not going to go away and will probably get so strong it will over power you. I suppose you could get counselling or take medicine to suppress the urge but that probably wouldn’t make for a very happy life. Every time I see a picture of some poor crossdresser in a hotel room with panties, a bra and pantyhose on (because that’s probably all they have) it makes me want to cry. It reminds me of myself in the early stages of becoming Suzanne. I now have my own wardrobe, my own makeup drawer, lots of bras, panties, night gowns, wigs, jewelry, etc… Being able to dress completely and feel completely like a woman is an experience like no other. Nowadays I don’t dress unless I can go all the way, hair, nails, makeup, etc… Just putting on a pair of panties and a bra doesn’t do it for me any more. The days and times I get to spend as Suzanne are euphoric and so memorable. In drab mode I don’t remember from day to day what I am wearing but I can look back at photos of myself in a dress and remember what kind of bra or pantyhose etc. I had on. As a guy I don’t pay much attention to this pair of jeans or that pair, or this shirt or that but as Suzanne there are articles of clothing I absolutely love. There are dresses in my closet that bring a smile to my face just looking at them. I have some Soma bras I love. A couple of pairs of shoes make me want to put them on every time I look at them.

The older I get I try to only learn a lesson once and then apply it to my life so I don’t have to learn the same thing again. This has me wondering if 10 years from now will I be writing “What My 69 Year Old Self Would Tell My 59 Year Old Self” or have I learned enough to enjoy my life as a crossdresser/woman to the fullest? Am I going to waste time learning the same lessons again? I want to take in as much as I can now so I don’t repeat my old mistakes and miss out on something else for the next 10 years. I don’t want to take crossdressing to the next level, I want to already be at the next level.

EnFemme

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Teri
Duchess
7 years ago

Am I going to waste time learning the same lessons again?

so true

MacKenzie Alexandra
Duchess
Member
7 years ago

Having only embraced this aspect of who I am, you words strike true to my heart. I buried MacKenzie deep in the closet for more than 20 years after a really bad emotional experience in my teen years. Looking back, I realize that I should have been honest with myself and my parents. My reaction to that experience is my biggest regret in life. I hope that our experiences can be a help to those who are young so that they may avoid our mistakes.

MacKenzie

Brittany Asher
Lady
7 years ago

suzanne Thank You so much. I did the starting over thing too many times. What would I tell my 29 year old self. Stop worrying about what every one thinks or wants ’cause you cannot live their life. The only thing I want to have to learn the rest of my life is anything I do not already know, Like how to get my makeup right so I don’t scare myself when I look in the mirror. You know 40 years ago it was a lot harder Getting accepted for just being yourself. But ohhh the clothes I gave up… Read more »

Linda
Lady
Member
7 years ago

I was 30 when I first went out in the world and now twice that as in the title would say ‘take pictures’ but then we did not have digital cameras and I was too paranoid to get film developed. I should also say do it more often, the voice works better than you think. However, I should not be too hard on her. She did get out. ‘He’ did buy clothes. There was no internet. You came a long way in the first 20 years and in another 30 years you will still be doing it so stop worrying,… Read more »

skippy1965 Cynthia
Ambassador
Trusted Member
7 years ago

I’m still learning the lessons I would pass on to the younger Cyn as she remained hidden from the world. Even now having gone out a few times for a significant period of time, I am still no as open about it as I would like to be. But I have made progress this last year and will continue to do so in the year to come. Thank you for telling your story -it inspires and challenges me to accept mysrlf as well.

April (Pacific Princess)
Ambassador
Active Member

Suzanne – as someone who just turned 59 herself, and who spent the first 58 years pretty much not liking myself and not enjoying life until I finally took the blinders off 8 months ago, I feel like you have summed up my own feelings so well. In guy mode one day is pretty much the same as the next, but as April each day is memorable, especially since they are so few and far between. I also need to go all out when I dress, and I love going out because April is a bit more adventurous than my… Read more »

Jackie
Ambassador
Active Member
7 years ago

It’s true, life is short so why not embrace it and do what we do now. As for your wife and her being so supporting I would say you are one fortunate person. So many don’t have that support and live in constant fear of being found out and losing everything and it’s sad. When my time comes to an end I personally want to be able and say I have no regrets to take with me. That’s the way it should go I believe. Your article is true inspiration for so many.

debbie
Member
debbie
7 years ago

We all have the female gene in here and sometimes it seems to come out later in life for many. You sound Suzanne that you are ready to take it to the next level now hon so go for it. Dont waste time regretting things cause it does no good. Just jump in girl and enjoy what you were created to be

Lea
Lady
Trusted Member
7 years ago

Thank you Suzanne for reminding me how important it is to live everyday of life to its fullest, even the crossdressing part of life. As each year passes struggling with this dilemma of living my own life vs keeping my loved ones happy, I’m really concious that I’m losing precious days of happiness and enjoyment not being the true and honest about my crossdresssing. I magically hope that my dilemma will solve itself, but I know it won’t. It already feels like I’ve given up so many years already hiding this secret and can’t wait until one day I can… Read more »

Michelle
Member
Michelle
7 years ago

What you say is so true for many of us. Thank You for sharing.

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