So I grew up in kind of a conservative, rural area. Needless to say, any difference was not acceptable, much less challenging the standard ideal of masculinity.
I was one of those kids who was the target of bullying. For whatever reason I didn’t fight back, I just took it. This drove me inwards, and I discovered my friends in books.
I realize now that I formed many of my ideas about life from reading so many different authors with many diverse points of view. Couple that with resenting my peers, and I was ready to challenge the orthodoxy.
The F-word (the other f-word, not the FU word), was bandied about freely. It was the worst to be seen as weak and girly. I became fearful of showing any weakness since I would be attacked by my peers for it.
As I grew older, I began to realize there was more to the world than the little backward town I grew up in. I still was apprehensive to show any weakness, which in those parts was often read as femininity. Now, I realize I’ve always been a mixture of both the masculine and the feminine, as I suspect most people are. It’s a spectrum, not an either/or dichotomy.
Yet, I still can’t come out of the closet. I am so fearful of going out in public “dressed”. I have so much respect for those of us who do so. Maybe someday I will. Some of my family know of my cross dressing habit, others suspect, still others I’m sure have no clue.
It has been a process for me to accept it as a part of myself. In the end I feel that if I am not hurting another, then it is OK. I know that some people can point to an obscure bible verse to condemn cross dressing, but then again there are obscure bible verses that can be twisted to condemn just about anything or anyone you want to dislike.
I have been window shopping on Amazon a lot. When you do that, you come across a few brave souls, men, who model their womanly clothing on their reviews. I have even posted a few myself.
I often go to their profiles on Amazon and sometimes see their other reviews. I am struck that the same guys posting pics of their latest bra and panty set, also have reviews of the latest auto parts or sports memorabilia. These folks will often leave reviews of the clothing they purchase. Some feel the need to justify buying a bra on Amazon because of their gynecomastia. OK, then why did you buy that really lacy girly bra? Others just leave straight forward reviews about how the product worked for them and their particular biological equipment.
I think our society is starting to move past some of the outmoded attitudes of the past. The gay panic defense is no longer accepted in courts as an excuse for violence. Perhaps men will begin to stop fearing being more feminine. I think cis women probable experience the flip side of the coin when they are pressured to be more feminine and to only take on feminine roles. In the end, society is better off when we allow people to be themselves and not be pigeonholed.
When I see many of your posts here, I am heartened and I feel not quite as odd and hope that maybe I’ll fit in.
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Thank you, Gina, for sharing your thoughts….I do not doubt a second, many of us have the very same ones, I for one, know I do…!!! Not sure of our age difference, I’ll be 72 in a month, and my entire life, has sort of mirrored yours, with one difference, me growing up in the “progressive” SF Bay Area, yet NOT in a very “progressive” household, nor surrounded by “like-minded thinkers”. And one thing we might even have in common, you may have read and viewed some of my Amazon products reviews…”small world, isn’t it”…I also search for them at… Read more »
Thanks, Tiny, I’m 61 so you’ve got about a decade on me!
I’m also 61. And this is the BEST time of my life ❤️
I dressed en femme most of the day and had a nice relaxing time
I feel most relaxed dressed in femme
Masculinity is a concept formed over time by society as an extension of the biology of man and women. Fundamentally we share the same bodies which chromosones changed certain parts to adapt the individual to the basic role with hormones doing the rest. Men have emotions and perceived female traits within the psyche and also from body size and appearance.Conformity, societal attitudes and expectations will form what a male is and a female is and does in society which leads to the conflict. Things have improved for crossdressers and trans in some sections of society which has allowed more of… Read more »
I think it is a fallacy to think human sexuality has only two choices. I think everyone is a mixture of the traits of both genders. I am a sensitive person, yet I enjoy sports like football. I like art and beautiful things, but I also like building stuff. I see similar ranges of interests and traits in the CIS women I know.
The world is a more interesting place than the traditional yes/no gender roles.
Oh Gina, I hope you are you are right about times and people changing. I never left my little back water town and now I have such deep roots and family it would be heart breaking to leave now. So I will probably never live my dream.
AnnaBeth
AnnaBeth I hope you can at least travel to some crossdresser conventions out of time to get out in the world sometimes. I have travelled to Port Angeles for the Esprit Gala twice (in May) and always have a wonderful time.
I’m hoping to find a CD event to attend in the San Francisco Bay area soon
Thank you for sharing this. Today it meant a whole lot to me.
Hi Gina, I grew up in a semi rural area. I had similar experiences. I even remember one of my gym teachers saying “that a girl!” during a broad jump attemp for a Physical fitness test. There were a few kids that addressed me as Miss. I wasn’t outwardly feminine, I just wasn’t good at sports. In my neighborhood I had the sarcastic nick name of “Athlete”. These things really bothered me back then, but now I love being called “Girl” by my friends here! Not too long after high school, I was working construction, and lifting weights. I told… Read more »
I love both the masculine and feminine aspects of my personality. In reality we are both. It’s artificial to try to be exclusively one or the other, no matter what genitalia we were born with.
I think that is a brilliant way to look at it! I love both aspects of my life too, although the feminine seems to be getting stronger as time goes on.
Oh Gina! I wish I could hold you so close right now! You are so one of us! Your story must echo with so many of our sisters here on CDH. Please know that you could never be ‘odd’ to any of us, and here, we all fit in! Be at peace about the beautiful gift of femininity that we share, however hidden it may have to be. But be hopeful, too. I believe the world is slowly coming to recognize us, accept us, and value us, especially as we all see more of the toxicity of ‘traditional’ masculinity. The… Read more »
So true, how many mass shootings were committed by a man in a dress?
As Reggie Jackson once noted when asked to comment on Nolan Ryan, “Every hitter likes fastballs just like everybody likes ice cream. But you don’t like it when someone’s stuffing it into you by the gallon.” Masculinity has its place in the world, but I think what many of us find is that the burden of it after decades becomes too much and we need an escape – a way to be able to be and act in a way that allows us to ignore those societal requirements and demands. So it is for me, at any rate. I revel… Read more »
Thanks so very much Gina for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Not to often I comment on a article, but this one that you shared got me to thinking. I’ll be 68 in February, and I was never bullied, and was actually quite athletic. We all have our own thoughts and opinions on different agendas, but the fact is,that we can grasp the concept of having a feminine SIDE , as well as male side. The issue arises when other males do not grasp that idea, and NO MATTER WHAT, refuse to show any emotion or feelings whatsoever. It’s almost… Read more »
I have to do housework too, But I have no choice – it is not my female side kicking in, My wife is physically disabled and can not do much of anything at this point.
Good for you to take care of her.
I grew up in Iowa as a farm kid with 4 brothers. We were about 7 miles to any town and went to school in the count seat, a town of less than 3000. I now live in a town of 1300 about an hour away from there. All of this is pretty conservative part of Iowa. Since I have started to come out more and more over the last 4 years I have had almost no push back at all. In fact I went to my 50th class reunion as Cassie last summer and was accepted by most. There… Read more »
Im 75 and the 1st time I went out as Terri was in 1977 or 8. Needless to say a lot has changed since then. Over the years I have had my ups and downs. But talking to and meeting others like myself has helped me so much.