A Moment in Time

We are all given a moment in time that is our own and it is entirely up to ourselves how we use it, but once it has passed it is forever gone and will not come back.

Marianne is dying. I know this harsh statement will shock most of you, except for the selected few I’ve been confiding in, but it’s true. Don’t panic though, she’ll be around for some time yet, and may not even die completely, because I believe in the thought that as long as we are remembered we cannot truly die. I know she will certainly be remembered, if by nobody else, then at least by myself. How can you forget someone who may have helped save your life?

At twelve years of age, I found myself in a position where I considered ending my own life. I feel no need to go into details, but it had to do with my relations to some of my classmates and a girl I had a crush on. I wasn’t afraid to die and had no regrets for my own sake, but in the end I decided that I couldn’t go through with it because of the pain it would cause my friends and family, who wouldn’t even know why I did it. Looking back through the years, one thing hits me though. This must have happened close to the time I started crossdressing. Sure I had admired the girls around me and wished to be one of them since I was 6 or 7, maybe even earlier, but sometime around age 12 or 13 I started secretly wearing my mother’s clothes. Was that just a coincidence?

Stepping Out Secrets

35 years later I was a husband and father of three sons and still secretly crossdressing, with only my wife knowing about my habit. At midsummer time, I had a medical emergency which led me to realize I had an early onset of Parkinson’s Syndrome. That fall I ventured out fully dressed for the first time and began interacting with people as Marianne. Could this be just another coincidence, or is there a connection?

All my life I have felt that I would rather have been a girl, and I’m sitting here thinking that maybe somehow that twelve-year-old boy unconsciously did transition, with Marianne taking control and saving him to protect herself. And much later, as I felt depressed facing the consequences of my illness, she once again intervened and showed me that life was still worth living.

Since then I have enjoyed a multitude of outings as Marianne and she has made a large number of wonderful friends around the world. Lately, however, I have been forced to realize that her end is coming close. As my illness progresses I experience a growing lack of mobility and muscle control, despite medication. I can still manage the transformation, but it takes more and more time and seldom ends up as convincing as before. Unless a revolutionary breakthrough in treatment is made during the next few years, somewhere along the line, it will no longer be worth the input of time and effort and Marianne will have to leave the physical realm and become a lingering memory in the failing brain where she once was born.

We may have swapped positions several times during our race through life but for the last couple of years Marianne has absolutely taken the lead, and for awhile we both thought she would turn out the winner. Now as the track gets rough and turns for the hills, she starts to stumble and realizes she is never going to make it to the end. So she drops her broken stick to the ground and walks away crying, leaving me to pick up the pieces. And I know that it is up to me to save her now or I will miss her immensely for the rest of my life. But do I have the strength? Or may she once again amazingly turn my life around? Whatever happens going forward, for a brief moment in time at least, she had the possibility to rightfully exist on her own terms and for that, I am forever grateful.

More Articles by The Author

The following two tabs change content below.

Marianne

I am a latent mtf transgender who has been secretly crossdressing since my early teens. Started going out fully en femme in the fall of 2012. Married with three sons. Diagnosed with Parkinson's disease in november 2012.

Latest posts by Marianne (see all)

37 Comments

Leave a reply

  1. Hannah Jeanne Charlton 6 months ago

    Marianne,

    So glad you were able to share this with us all. I am also so glad you’ve been able to make Marianne a greater part of your life. I hope you keep sewing too.

    Keep fighting my “sister”

    Hannah Jeanne

  2. Milesa Phar 6 months ago

    On an interesting side note, I became a guest speaker in the 80’s at colleges and medical schools in SE Michigan representing married part-time crossdressr (transgender). One of the professors who became prominent among the TG community, Sandra Cole, Ph,D taught medical students physical medicine and handicapped. She also gave talks and seminars to married couples. I learned so much from her. Sadly she passed away last year.

  3. Milesa Phar 6 months ago

    Your story is very moving to illustrate how fragile life can be and a struggle to maintain our dual identities. As I am 73 now, I too find physical limitations too, tho not as severe. I hope my courage will not give up tho struggles to keep support may not always be there from my spouse and sadly I’ve not told most of my friends I am part-timer. I hope we can share thru forums to keep out true identities alive. Hugs Milesa from Michigan

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Thank you Milesa. Though this matter will be actualized for us all at some point in life I haven’t been able to find much discussion on the subject of crossdressing or being transgendered with physical or mental disabilities.

  4. Wish1were 6 months ago

    Thx soo much furr articulating my feelings as i approach btm surg..
    Bless you for putting thesr thoughts out there for othrs. like me..think of it as comming of age so to speak. we re all gonna die rite. but i beleive in the eturnal spirit. so..
    Thx again..
    a fan

  5. Michelle 6 months ago

    Wow…. Marriane what a story. I read this today at lunch and I am very moved and touch by your story. I have read your profile many times and I am sorry we have not connected. You are a good soul and a beautiful women. I find you inspiring and wonder how I would do/feel in your place. I think I would struggle severely and harbor some negitive thoughts to the world in general.

    You make me rethink many things and treasure what I have, as imperfect, as it is.

    Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. You will be remember by many and especially this girl Michelle.

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Thank you Michelle for your kind words of appreciation and concern. Life isn’t fair as others have aready stated and we have to accept that when there is nothing to be done about it. That doesn’t however mean that I am happy about it – far from actually – and I often get sad and cry then I try to imgagine a future without the possibility to be Marianne anymore. Still I have the memories and I also have written her memoirs down in case I will also come down with dementia. Unfortunately they are far too large to be published on the site as I originally intended.

      Marianne

  6. Sami Dee 6 months ago

    Marianne,
    Thank you so much for sharing such a touching story. I surely had a tear in my eye as I read the last paragraph. There are so many coincidences in our lives that lead our feminine side to ebb and flow.

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Thank you Sami for taking your time to read and comment. And may the tides of femininity forever rise and fall in our bodies and souls like the endless swell of the sea.

  7. Marianne,
    I had to stop three times in reading this and backed up several times to check to make sure I read this correctly. I have always thought of you as a beautiful and strong woman and I have always admired you honey, but after this article you have more strength and beauty than I have ever known. Thank you for writing this for all of us. It lets me know the little things I worry about or think are major are just bumps in the road.
    I always admire and think of you and will continue no mater what happens.
    Thank you so much for being so brave to write this.
    ooo xxx

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Dear Sara Marie.

      Thank you for your kind words of appreciation. We all have our problems to overcome and our demons to fight, some minor, some major. You are a strong, proud and beautiful woman in your own right. Never forget that.

      Marianne

  8. *skippy1965(Cynthia) 6 months ago

    Marianne,
    I feel truly humbled to be one of those whom you had shared this news with already but as others said above, it brought tears again to read your article. But they are mixed tears-tears of sadness at the unfairness that some are healthy while others are ill; tears of hope that a cure will be found in time to prevent a further decline in health; and tears of happiness and gratitude that you did(and continue to) bless all of us with your presence. I cant heal you but you have helped heal so many here including me-aiding each of us in accepting who we are . There are not words enough so I simply say “Thank you for being my friend!”
    Cyn

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Thank you Cynthia for your concern and friendship. I remember you were among the first, maybe even the very first, to contact me after joining CDH. I haven’t really understood how much my mere prescence and sharing my strives to be myself has meant to so many others including some who appear to be very safe and clear with themselves. Learning that I can help heal others make my own problems so much easier to deal with. And don’t worry. Even if there comes a time when I can no longer manifest Marianne in body, I am sure her spirit will stay around.

  9. Martine Jones 6 months ago

    You are so brave hun to share that with us my prayers go out to you and your family.
    Thank you for sharing your story hugs
    Martine
    Xxx

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Thank you for your concern Martine, and also for thinking of my family, as they are off course in a way as affected as myself by my illness.

      Marianne

  10. Sarah Daniels (SC) 6 months ago

    Thank you for sharing your story Marianne.

    Its hard when we get older and are faced with our mortality but perhaps for us there is a greater loss that goes unnoticed or unseen. We face the loss of two people. The physical being we are in the world and the other alternative one we hold inside.

    I too wonder if Sarah’s arrival may have been a timely thing to move me from a path that was very dark and she guided me into a new direction. Since then I have accepted myself and Sarah as being one. I cant imagine the pain of having to let her go now. It is one things to make a decision to step back but another entirely to have that decision made for you .

    Love and hugs,

    Sarah.

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Thank you Sarah.

      I am so glad you have come to accept Sarah as a part of you and I hope you will now find peace and happiness on your journey, wherever it takes you.

      Though I hope to have at least some more good years, I have long known and accepted that my time as Marianne is limited by circumstances out of my control. Still, most times I actively think about it, the tears start flowing.

  11. Stephanie Flowers 6 months ago

    Marianne my heart goes out to you. I usually find something to say but it’s not so. Life deals out so many mysteries and some come in not being fair in life itself. Since being here many have crossed my path but through those there’s only been a few that attracted my interest. How they talk, how they act and show themselves here in their compassionate acts, their courtesy to others and in communicating of love and understanding. You my love are of those here. To see you here puts a smile on my face as it does to many. This is certainly not a goodbye but greetings from ourselves and to be by your side always and to witness your presence when this lady enters our room. Looking forward to seeing you here for awhile yet. Love you Marianne
    were all here with you and in our hearts
    Stephanie

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Thank you Stephanie. I was unaware that I meant so much to you and many more. Be sure I will be here as long as I possibly can wether Marianne can still make a physical appearance or have to live on only in spirit.

  12. Lissa 6 months ago

    Stay Strong Marianne, my thoughts are with you, hold on to all your hopes and dreams, life is full of suprises and things can be turned around at any time. Love to you girl X

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Dear Lissa, thank you for your concern.
      I hope for the best but must be prepared to face whatever comes my way.

      Marianne

  13. Gisela Claudine 6 months ago

    Thanks for sharing your feelings, Marianne. It was a sad reading in part. On the other hand there was a gift of hope and fighting spirit. I admire your courage to face the disease. I feel that Marianne is impregnated in your soul and you will not lose her. You do not deserve my tears but a loving hug. You are so strong. I look forward to enjoying your company for a long time at CDH.
    Cinnamon kisses,
    Gisela.

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Thank you Gisela. Though we just met a few days ago in chat I sense a strong woman in you too.

  14. Tricia Lynn 6 months ago

    Marianne,

    I just started reading some of your posts yesterday and really enjoyed what you had written. I can’t express my feelings upon reading this. Of course I, as all our sisters here, wish you all the best and hope for that miracle cure.

    Thanks so much for this beautiful, if heart rending, post. It really puts small worries and petty problems in perspective.

    You are beautiful. Take care.

    Hugs and kisses,
    Tricia Lynn

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Thank you Trisha for your encouraging words and wonderful compassion for someone you have only just spotted in an online community. I hope to make your acquaintance and would love to hear what posts you have read and your thoughts about them.

  15. Kim Paige 6 months ago

    Marianne,

    You are courageous, thoughtful, and beautiful!

    While sadly you may someday no longer have a physical presence, what you’ve shared on CDH ensures each of us fortunate enough to have encountered you will feel the presence of your grace, which will inspire us to share with others as you have shared with us.

    Thank you so much for taking the time to share your perspective on the path you took through life and this ultimate challenge you face moving forward.

    Kim

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Thank you Kim. If my struggles and experiences can help others on their journeys, they have at least had some meaning.

  16. Liv 6 months ago

    Marianne, you know I admire you for your strength and courage. Although you have told me before, it is with tears in my eyes I read your story. Just want to give you a big hug and will continue to pray for you. You are beautiful hun, in and out. Even without dressing up, Marianne will be there.

    hugs and love,
    Liv

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Dear Liv. You know our friendship goes well beyond words. We’ve uncovered our bare souls for each other to see. I will always love and cherish you.

      Marianne

  17. Terri Anne 6 months ago

    Marianne, so brave so beautifull. A tender loving heart in a cruel world. I am enjoying every moment as Terri Anne and as your friend Marianne. God has a plan for us and it is a good one.
    Love You, Terri Anne,

    • Author
      Marianne 6 months ago

      Thank you Terri Anne. I really hope there is a higher meaning in all this.

  18. Millie Tant 6 months ago

    Marianne you have just made me cry. I am overwhelemd for you, and I will think about you every day from now on. A very sad yet beautiful read. Stay strong.

  19. Gina Angelo 6 months ago

    Marianne, thanks for being so brave as to tell your story. I truly hope that the miracle you hope for does happen for you. I know we have talked a bit about possibilities. But Marianne is a beautiful woman and I am glad that you have allowed us into your life. I don’t know what else to say but I care about you and I truly hope and pray that what you describe doesn’t come true, but I understand reality and having to come to grips with it.

    hugs
    Gina

  20. Sarah Anne 6 months ago

    OMG Marianne I am so sorry to hear about your condition. I actually started to get teared up and re-read your article again just to make sure I was not missing something. I have no idea where to start about how sorry I am to hear about you. In the short time I have chatted with you I have come to enjoy your chats and company. To say that I am totally bummed out is an understatement. I seriously wish I could help you in some form but I have very little knowledge of this disease other than what I read online or see on TV. Take care dear Marianne and I will cherish our chats until you are no longer able to.

    Sarah Anne

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account