We are all given a moment in time that is our own and it is entirely up to ourselves how we use it, but once it has passed it is forever gone and will not come back.
Marianne is dying. I know this harsh statement will shock most of you, except for the selected few I’ve been confiding in, but it’s true. Don’t panic though, she’ll be around for some time yet, and may not even die completely, because I believe in the thought that as long as we are remembered we cannot truly die. I know she will certainly be remembered, if by nobody else, then at least by myself. How can you forget someone who may have helped save your life?
At twelve years of age, I found myself in a position where I considered ending my own life. I feel no need to go into details, but it had to do with my relations to some of my classmates and a girl I had a crush on. I wasn’t afraid to die and had no regrets for my own sake, but in the end I decided that I couldn’t go through with it because of the pain it would cause my friends and family, who wouldn’t even know why I did it. Looking back through the years, one thing hits me though. This must have happened close to the time I started crossdressing. Sure I had admired the girls around me and wished to be one of them since I was 6 or 7, maybe even earlier, but sometime around age 12 or 13 I started secretly wearing my mother’s clothes. Was that just a coincidence?
35 years later I was a husband and father of three sons and still secretly crossdressing, with only my wife knowing about my habit. At midsummer time, I had a medical emergency which led me to realize I had an early onset of Parkinson’s Syndrome. That fall I ventured out fully dressed for the first time and began interacting with people as Marianne. Could this be just another coincidence, or is there a connection?
All my life I have felt that I would rather have been a girl, and I’m sitting here thinking that maybe somehow that twelve-year-old boy unconsciously did transition, with Marianne taking control and saving him to protect herself. And much later, as I felt depressed facing the consequences of my illness, she once again intervened and showed me that life was still worth living.
Since then I have enjoyed a multitude of outings as Marianne and she has made a large number of wonderful friends around the world. Lately, however, I have been forced to realize that her end is coming close. As my illness progresses I experience a growing lack of mobility and muscle control, despite medication. I can still manage the transformation, but it takes more and more time and seldom ends up as convincing as before. Unless a revolutionary breakthrough in treatment is made during the next few years, somewhere along the line, it will no longer be worth the input of time and effort and Marianne will have to leave the physical realm and become a lingering memory in the failing brain where she once was born.
We may have swapped positions several times during our race through life but for the last couple of years Marianne has absolutely taken the lead, and for awhile we both thought she would turn out the winner. Now as the track gets rough and turns for the hills, she starts to stumble and realizes she is never going to make it to the end. So she drops her broken stick to the ground and walks away crying, leaving me to pick up the pieces. And I know that it is up to me to save her now or I will miss her immensely for the rest of my life. But do I have the strength? Or may she once again amazingly turn my life around? Whatever happens going forward, for a brief moment in time at least, she had the possibility to rightfully exist on her own terms and for that, I am forever grateful.
Thank you for sharing your story Marianne. Its hard when we get older and are faced with our mortality but perhaps for us there is a greater loss that goes unnoticed or unseen. We face the loss of two people. The physical being we are in the world and the other alternative one we hold inside. I too wonder if Sarah’s arrival may have been a timely thing to move me from a path that was very dark and she guided me into a new direction. Since then I have accepted myself and Sarah as being one. I cant imagine… Read more »
Thank you Sarah.
I am so glad you have come to accept Sarah as a part of you and I hope you will now find peace and happiness on your journey, wherever it takes you.
Though I hope to have at least some more good years, I have long known and accepted that my time as Marianne is limited by circumstances out of my control. Still, most times I actively think about it, the tears start flowing.
You are so brave hun to share that with us my prayers go out to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing your story hugs
Martine
Xxx
Thank you for your concern Martine, and also for thinking of my family, as they are off course in a way as affected as myself by my illness.
Marianne
Marianne, I feel truly humbled to be one of those whom you had shared this news with already but as others said above, it brought tears again to read your article. But they are mixed tears-tears of sadness at the unfairness that some are healthy while others are ill; tears of hope that a cure will be found in time to prevent a further decline in health; and tears of happiness and gratitude that you did(and continue to) bless all of us with your presence. I cant heal you but you have helped heal so many here including me-aiding each… Read more »
Thank you Cynthia for your concern and friendship. I remember you were among the first, maybe even the very first, to contact me after joining CDH. I haven’t really understood how much my mere prescence and sharing my strives to be myself has meant to so many others including some who appear to be very safe and clear with themselves. Learning that I can help heal others make my own problems so much easier to deal with. And don’t worry. Even if there comes a time when I can no longer manifest Marianne in body, I am sure her spirit… Read more »
Marianne, I had to stop three times in reading this and backed up several times to check to make sure I read this correctly. I have always thought of you as a beautiful and strong woman and I have always admired you honey, but after this article you have more strength and beauty than I have ever known. Thank you for writing this for all of us. It lets me know the little things I worry about or think are major are just bumps in the road. I always admire and think of you and will continue no mater what… Read more »
Dear Sara Marie.
Thank you for your kind words of appreciation. We all have our problems to overcome and our demons to fight, some minor, some major. You are a strong, proud and beautiful woman in your own right. Never forget that.
Marianne
Marianne,
Thank you so much for sharing such a touching story. I surely had a tear in my eye as I read the last paragraph. There are so many coincidences in our lives that lead our feminine side to ebb and flow.
Thank you Sami for taking your time to read and comment. And may the tides of femininity forever rise and fall in our bodies and souls like the endless swell of the sea.
Wow…. Marriane what a story. I read this today at lunch and I am very moved and touch by your story. I have read your profile many times and I am sorry we have not connected. You are a good soul and a beautiful women. I find you inspiring and wonder how I would do/feel in your place. I think I would struggle severely and harbor some negitive thoughts to the world in general. You make me rethink many things and treasure what I have, as imperfect, as it is. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. You… Read more »
Thank you Michelle for your kind words of appreciation and concern. Life isn’t fair as others have aready stated and we have to accept that when there is nothing to be done about it. That doesn’t however mean that I am happy about it – far from actually – and I often get sad and cry then I try to imgagine a future without the possibility to be Marianne anymore. Still I have the memories and I also have written her memoirs down in case I will also come down with dementia. Unfortunately they are far too large to be… Read more »
Thx soo much furr articulating my feelings as i approach btm surg..
Bless you for putting thesr thoughts out there for othrs. like me..think of it as comming of age so to speak. we re all gonna die rite. but i beleive in the eturnal spirit. so..
Thx again..
a fan
Your story is very moving to illustrate how fragile life can be and a struggle to maintain our dual identities. As I am 73 now, I too find physical limitations too, tho not as severe. I hope my courage will not give up tho struggles to keep support may not always be there from my spouse and sadly I’ve not told most of my friends I am part-timer. I hope we can share thru forums to keep out true identities alive. Hugs Milesa from Michigan
Thank you Milesa. Though this matter will be actualized for us all at some point in life I haven’t been able to find much discussion on the subject of crossdressing or being transgendered with physical or mental disabilities.
On an interesting side note, I became a guest speaker in the 80’s at colleges and medical schools in SE Michigan representing married part-time crossdressr (transgender). One of the professors who became prominent among the TG community, Sandra Cole, Ph,D taught medical students physical medicine and handicapped. She also gave talks and seminars to married couples. I learned so much from her. Sadly she passed away last year.
Marianne,
So glad you were able to share this with us all. I am also so glad you’ve been able to make Marianne a greater part of your life. I hope you keep sewing too.
Keep fighting my “sister"
Hannah Jeanne