A perspective from the other side.

I am the wife of a cross-dresser. An Ambassador put out a challenge to write an article about being the SO of a cross-dresser. What I hope to accomplish by doing this is to help other SO of cross-dressers and to help cross-dressers/trans gendered understand what it is like for us. My introduction to transgender was actually a little while before I found out about my husband. I found out a music instructor I had when I was young recently came out as trans. I was so happy for her, and I could see how happy she was. I shared this info with my husband, never knowing he had a secret of his own.

Ten years I met and fell in love with my soulmate. I met him at work, he was strong, tattooed ex-football player and ex Air force. We had an amazing relationship. We got married had the honey moon, we were incredibility happy. We had our ups and downs over the next couple of years.In September of 2016, I was home recovering from back surgery. I was cruising around Facebook and discovered my husband had a Facebook account, which he never told me about. I confronted him, I noticed he was friends with his ex, so I got curious. He had an external hard drive he wasn’t using, so I hooked it up. I found out more info on the other woman, but that has nothing to do with this article. I also found a file with body measurements for slips and undies and whatnot. They were not my measurements.I couldn’t figure out who they belonged to. I went outside to get some air, I was looking up at the stars and it hit me. They were his. I laughed and got really confused at the same time. How do I handle this? Do I confront him or figure out a way to let him know I was OK with it. We were sitting in bed a few nights later trying to figure out what to watch, we came across the show “Transparent”. I said we should watch that, it looks interesting. He had this look on his face and I blurted out “R u trans gendered?” He asked me if I wanted him to move out. I said no. He said “I am in love with women and their clothes”. Shock set in. Keep in mind our relationship was already strained because of his emotional infidelities. He explained that he just gets an urge to dress, mostly nylon and silky things and bras. He had been doing this since he was young and this is what had ended his first marriage. He said no one knew , this is a secret he always kept to himself and would dress sometimes when I wasn’t home. He told me how he would buy stuff then get scared and throw it out. I felt so sad for him, that for his entire life he has always had to hide a part of himself. I told him he doesn’t need to hide it from me anymore. Everything had me overwhelmed. I gave it a few days and wrote down some questions for him to answer, one was “can I see u dressed?” he said yes. We were in the bedroom, he had me close my eyes, when I opened them, there he was with a bra on. It was too small and was all twisted on the sides, so I got up and fixed it and told him he needs a new bra. The way I thought of it was this is a fetish. I figured out later that it was much more.
Time went on, we restocked some of his feminine clothes. I noticed that on his days off he would wear women’s undies. He would seem so much more relaxed and happy when he would wear them. One day I was using my epilady on my legs, I jokingly asked him if he wanted me to use it on him, he said “sure” I told him it hurts and some of the hair may not come back, r u ok with that? he said “yes, r u?” I couldn’t understand why go through all that just for something he did only once in a while.

Again, time went on. I started getting irritated sometimes when he would wear the women’s underwear. It was almost like “no, I am the woman, u r the man!” I stuffed alot of feelings down. I was mad at myself for feeling angry sometimes, or jealous cuz I was like, ok, I get a period with really bad cramps and bloating, my boobs hurt, I don’t wear thigh highs. I even felt it was a little sexist, he was wearing stereotypical clothes , heels and all. I taught him how to do his make up, bought him a dress. Meanwhile, I just wanted to be supportive and accepting but, inside I had all these conflicting feelings. Someday I was fine with everything, then the next day I wouldn’t be fine. We discovered cross-dresser heaven, he joined then I joined. I joined the group just for SO’s. I read the stories of the other girls that had the same emotions and feelings I had.

Crossdresser Heaven - Find Your Tribe

It is a confusing thing to have a SO who cross-dresses. You wonder why they do it, most of the time they don’t even know why. Why the silky undies and sexy bras? The excitement they feel and comfort they feel, why? I don’t know. I know sometimes the anger is cuz I married a man and if I wanted to marry a woman I would have. I know that sounds petty, he still is the man I married and he just likes to get in touch with his feminine side. I get jealous cuz he gets to buy a pretty dress and I don’t. I feel irritated cuz sometimes I just want to get lovey dovey with my husband and when I start to get frisky I discover he is wearing panties. and it is a shock which sometimes kills the mood, even though the shock is diminishing quickly.

It’s been over a year since I found out and the only thing I can say is “I am in love with a husband who is in love with women’s cloths” We have been lucky that with all the things that happened at the same time, we r still together. I am happy that our communication is getting stronger, I am able to open up to him more about how I feel and I think that is the most important thing for anyone out there going through this, a SO of a cross-dresser/trans gendered needs to be able to tell their partners how they feel and know it is ok, all the emotions us SO’s r feeling r real and we need to be heard and we need to know we are still loved and the most important person in your lives. We also, need to be able to be the only woman in the house sometimes. But, sometimes it is fun to have girl time. My husband is my best friend, lover and big hearted , I consider myself very lucky that we found each other. We have had hard times, ups and downs and everything in between, and I would go through it over and over because he is worth it. I also have sadness sometimes. When I think of the fact that he has gone 50+ years with all this inside, it must have made him feel so alone. I know the one person that did find out about him was his ex wife and she left him. I know I have said things or reacted when he has dressed or wore lingerie that made him feel self conscious, that was never my intention, at the same time he has made so much progress, twice now, we have gone for walks with him fully dressed, we have walked by people and said hi, I even got him to try to feminize his voice, still working on that. And yes I am using the “he” pronoun, I asked my husband and he said he preferred the “he”. I hope this article does not offend, or hurt. My full intention was just to show how I have felt through the discovery of my husband being a crossdresser and how it is ok for him to explore and it is ok for me to be involved but, still have strange feelings about it, but communicating and talking and really listening to each other is the most important thing. And for all of those out there thinking about coming out to your wives…. don’t completely dress and wait for her to get home and say “surprise”!!! Sit down and slowly ease her into it, especially with women who have strict religious backgrounds or those who have not had alot of exposure to this amazing world. Thanks for reading!!!

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  1. Jezebel Jetlag 2 months ago

    Thank you Jen … I’ve only just joined after being told (and shown) by my beautiful partner a week ago that he was a cross dresser. So many conflicting emotions and unfounded fears, and I’m wavering between acceptance, even encouragement, and then spinning out at the what-ifs and whys all over again. I’ve felt sad at so many things, and even sorry for myself (“wahhhhh – why couldn’t life just be uncomplicated for once? Haven’t I already been given enough challenges for one lifetime?”)

    Your article shows me that this is a fairly natural reaction to being a newly enlightened SO. I’d been divorced and happily single for a long time, and it’s been a gorgeous surprise to fall in Love and be so Loved by a man. So I’ll keep processing and working through those times where I want to scream ‘this is not what I signed up for’. Because I’m sure the increased communication, closeness and commitment experienced by both of us will be amazing

  2. Lillith Barr 3 months ago

    Thanks for sharing your story. My husband and I have a similar story. It is good to read other SO’s have had the same feelings. I love and embrace all my husband is, it’s made us even closer. Trust and communication are a must

  3. Jeri S 3 months ago

    Thanks for the article. It definitely helps me as a CD to understand what my Wife must have felt when I told her some 20 years after we were married. This is a difficult road for both parties and it is definitely a test of communication.

  4. jamme mac 7 months ago

    Wonderful letter simply wonderful!!!! Than You so much for writing it! My late ex wife knew something about my wanting to dress early on, and newer made a big deal of it. later (during child rearing years), My desire grew stronger but was attempted to be stiffed, as demands of child rearing took over yet, I managed to acquire some things and yes, some heated arguments occurred causing great riffs and distance between us. My ‘secret’ was some what out, After she filed for divorce, she later confided that she was a lesbian. What a stunning revolution! During me child rearing years I acquired very little, and purged often, Now all are grow and she is gone, I am wanting to learn and become more before my time is over. I still love women, and their clothes, but really hope to find a supportive mate to share with. I am hopeful to find someone like you. But for now your letter is reassuring that the are some women out there. You letter will not soon be forgotten, Thank you again! may you both live a long happy life!

  5. Raynette Grogopolis 7 months ago

    He does have clothing that are just for him. Sometimes he likes to wear something of mine. The fact that it belongs to me. does not bother me. What does bother me is the fact that I am somewhat hurt. I say hurt because I am not angry. When I see him in women’s clothing I just wonder why he could not tell me when we started dating…maybe when I moved in..or maybe instead of throwing all his female clothing out, he could have just let me know. I told him something that only 1 person knows about me. Now 2! That was when the rubber met the road as he says. Game time all in.
    These days I am trying to figure out just how far he wants to take his CD. Like I said I am trying to figure out how I can be more accepting and understanding. I want my husband to be happy.

    • Author
      JenH 7 months ago

      I understand the hurt. I feel the same way. By didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t he trust me enough? And feel bad that he has gone almost his whole life with this secret…. How alone he must have felt. One thing I try to do is when I start feeling hurt or even jealous …I look at him, how happy he is,how relaxed and content. Seeing him this way is a gift.. Knowing he can trust me now enough to let it all hang out is a love and trust some marriages never find. And as far as how far will this go? Most CDs don’t even know. Some take little steps until they find their comfort zone. Everyone is different. I have discovered there r so many paths in the beautiful world of cross dressers . I know as time goes on ,for me, the questions of why he didn’t say anything and the hurt feelings lessen with time. They still come back and I still struggle. I don’t have a lot of wisdom about how to be more accepting and understanding. I know my acceptance and understanding has gotten better with time.

  6. Raynette Grogopolis 7 months ago

    First.. You nailed my every feeling. I love my husband and I have to admit that I do at times feel betrayed. He left me to think this part of his life was over. When I moved in he became someone that I just couldn’t deal with. After about a month he eased into a pair of ladies draws. Then it snowballed!! Before I knew it he was trying on my bra and I Thought Acting like a woman. One morning I woke up and he was completely dressed. After a few hours of strange behavior he told me about his urge to CD. Now I know this is going to sound hypocritical but My first husband was Trans. I am bi. I did not know how to handle his desire to dress like a woman. When my new husband and I got together we agreed to go all in. This meant NO secrets. He chose not to. I’m trying to let that go. I am doing and want to continue to do all I can for both of us to be comfortable with his CD. Recently I have bought him a few things like pink slippers and a matching robe that he just adores. I still find myself being upset about the CD. I wanted so bad to be the one and only woman in this relationship. Now I am sharing my clothes with my husband. I think the thought of being betrayed is still lingering. I found a man that I could be fem with and it turns out he is more fem than me. He has a huge heart, he is a giver, he loves me and shows me every day. I would be a fool to let him go. So any ideas on how to deal with this with a more open mind?

    • Author
      JenH 7 months ago

      I am struggling with this also,but what I would recommend is first, your significant other needs their own clothes… It makes it hard when they r wearing some thing that belongs to u… With me I think it would spark some jealously and make me wonder about those times my husband would say “u look great in that” was he thinking only about how he would look in it? Then it would go down hill from there.second would be compromise on both sides. U both need to be open with each other about do s and donts. Be completely honest and open with each other, this is easier said than done, neither of u wants to hurt each other so u get in the habit of tiptoeing around things that make u each uncomfortable. But, if u explain what u like and don’t like and why it helps to open the communication door and eventually make both of u stop second guessing. I don’t know if this is helpful, I hope so. Feel free to contact me or anyone else.. This place is full of amazing ladies that r more than willing to help

      • Cindy Carpendar 3 months ago

        My wife had the same feelings everyone else has commented on and truthfully, we are still working on it, but she had the same question, why did I hide it? It should have been a detail she should have known about prior to marriage…

        As a man who enjoys cross dressing on a regular basis, I can easily say I made the same mistake that most other men do. Not telling our SO’s. We grow up knowing that we like women’s clothing. We also grew up in a era where this was highly unacceptable and kids got picked on for it, even if it was unintentional such as wearing tight pants that didn’t fit or a “girly” color as part of our outfit. The cross dressers of my age saw that, or was a victim of it and then went into hiding. Even with someone I love very much did not know. I didn’t tell my mom, I did not tell my SO who I ended up marrying, for fear of rejection and failure of a relationship that is very important to me. Many times I’d try to put it away and think it’s just a phase. It’s not a phase, It’s something we enjoy doing. I cant explain why I like it, there are many different feelings at different times as to why, but the point is, it’s there.

        But this is why I hid it. It’s not that I didn’t trust you, even though that is what it seams like, Society built us up that way in the 20th century. Now days, my kids era, this is pretty acceptable among the right group of people. Finding resources is easier due to internet, and people are coming out all over. Most are not having a sex change operation or making any permanent changes, it’s just a like and now even a style of clothing you can buy at the store. Sometimes I wish I had been born about 20 years later because things are more acceptable now. It would have been a lot easier to communicate it with my SO, but then I would not have met a woman I am so dearly in love with and will live the rest of my life with.

  7. Rochelle Mooney 7 months ago

    Jen, this article is amazing. I think I will share with my wife, and hopefully we will be able to communicate about my other side… Rochelle.

  8. Dani Grand 7 months ago

    Nicely written.

  9. Kay Jameson 7 months ago

    Thank you for sharing Jen. My wife has her on and discussed everyone of those points . Communication is the for us.

  10. Hi Jen! That is such a sweet story…luckily it ended well for both of you. It could have gone the other way all too easily. We must give other people their privacy…..opening pandoras box could have exploded in your face, But, I am happy it worked out great for you dear!

    Lady Veronica

  11. Joanna Jane 8 months ago

    What a truley lovely article, I know what
    my wife goes through from time to time and so can appreciate how you must feel at times Jen.
    We CD’s are so very lucky to have such wonderful other halves who not only try to come to terms with our obsession and to understand what drives us to risk everything but then to give support and encouragement is almost beyond what we should expect.
    I agree with previous comments that all wives/ other halves/ partners should read this article, for some it may help by reading how others have coped and are still coping.
    I have to say that I’m one of the lucky ones whose other half is understanding and reasonably supportive.
    I wish you both every joy and success.
    Joanna. xx

  12. Squeak 8 months ago

    Thanks for the article. My wife knew about me. She didn’t like it. We went as far as a trial separation. I decided I wanted her more than my female side. We shared a new hobby — Harley Davidson. It was working. She did express some regret for taking my hobby away.

    Then she was killed by a careless driver while riding her Harley. It took me two years to realize I still had one of my ladies. I love the clothing and jewelry, but I do not need to pass as female. In fact, I still have my beard! I am accepted for who I am.

    Once again, I am enjoying life.

  13. Wabbit 8 months ago

    thanks jen for sharing your views while my spouse is gone nor do it think I would have ever shared this side of me with her, I hope to one day have a wife who I love not sure what that will entail for this side of me yet but with love I do believe anything can be accomplished

  14. Amanda Fields 8 months ago

    Thank you for sharing, Jen. I wish all the best for you two.

  15. kaydee 8 months ago

    Hi Jen,
    thanks for giving us an insite into the thoughts of partners, as you have already said its all about communication. We all get cranky at times, as I have found my softer side I am more relaxed and less stressed. If you or any your SO friends would like to talk some more please feel free to come and have a chin wag with me, just give me enough time to make a cup of tea. I am no scholar by any means all I will give you my personal thoughts to let you have another opinion. thanks again and enjoy the journey of discovery for you both.
    seasons greetings to you both. hugs kate

  16. Ashleigh 8 months ago

    Thank you for sharing this. My wife knows I cross dress and she knows about my extensive feminine wardrobe. She does not however approve, and has no desire to see me dressed.
    Your story helps me a bit to understand her side of things. I only wish we could could communicate as honestly as you and your husband do. Any attempt at a conversation most always turns judgmental and negative. I have resigned myself to the fact we agree to disagree on the subject and I take advantage of the opportunities I have to fully express my femininity.
    Best of luck in the future for both of you!

  17. Paula1 8 months ago

    Thank you so much for your uplifting article it has given me even more understanding of how my wife feels, I will ask her to read this as I think it will help

    • kaydee 8 months ago

      Hi Paula,
      I think we should encourage all our partners to read .
      hugs kate

  18. MacKenzie Alexandra 8 months ago


    Thanx for sharing your view and feelings. I showed the piece to my wife. She appreciated seeing that others are in a similar place. Your words are helpful in our own journey. Thanx again.

    MacKenzie Alexandra

  19. Lovely article Jen. It’s always good to hear from those we love, about the inner conflicts and struggles they go through with this new world they are exposed to. I think it helps to keep us a little more grounded in this beautiful (but sometimes scary) world we all find ourselves in.


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