A perspective from the other side.

I am the wife of a cross-dresser. An Ambassador put out a challenge to write an article about being the SO of a cross-dresser. What I hope to accomplish by doing this is to help other SO of cross-dressers and to help cross-dressers/trans gendered understand what it is like for us. My introduction to transgender was actually a little while before I found out about my husband. I found out a music instructor I had when I was young recently came out as trans. I was so happy for her, and I could see how happy she was. I shared this info with my husband, never knowing he had a secret of his own.

Ten years I met and fell in love with my soulmate. I met him at work, he was strong, tattooed ex-football player and ex Air force. We had an amazing relationship. We got married had the honey moon, we were incredibility happy. We had our ups and downs over the next couple of years.In September of 2016, I was home recovering from back surgery. I was cruising around Facebook and discovered my husband had a Facebook account, which he never told me about. I confronted him, I noticed he was friends with his ex, so I got curious. He had an external hard drive he wasn’t using, so I hooked it up. I found out more info on the other woman, but that has nothing to do with this article. I also found a file with body measurements for slips and undies and whatnot. They were not my measurements.I couldn’t figure out who they belonged to. I went outside to get some air, I was looking up at the stars and it hit me. They were his. I laughed and got really confused at the same time. How do I handle this? Do I confront him or figure out a way to let him know I was OK with it. We were sitting in bed a few nights later trying to figure out what to watch, we came across the show “Transparent”. I said we should watch that, it looks interesting. He had this look on his face and I blurted out “R u trans gendered?” He asked me if I wanted him to move out. I said no. He said “I am in love with women and their clothes”. Shock set in. Keep in mind our relationship was already strained because of his emotional infidelities. He explained that he just gets an urge to dress, mostly nylon and silky things and bras. He had been doing this since he was young and this is what had ended his first marriage. He said no one knew , this is a secret he always kept to himself and would dress sometimes when I wasn’t home. He told me how he would buy stuff then get scared and throw it out. I felt so sad for him, that for his entire life he has always had to hide a part of himself. I told him he doesn’t need to hide it from me anymore. Everything had me overwhelmed. I gave it a few days and wrote down some questions for him to answer, one was “can I see u dressed?” he said yes. We were in the bedroom, he had me close my eyes, when I opened them, there he was with a bra on. It was too small and was all twisted on the sides, so I got up and fixed it and told him he needs a new bra. The way I thought of it was this is a fetish. I figured out later that it was much more.
Time went on, we restocked some of his feminine clothes. I noticed that on his days off he would wear women’s undies. He would seem so much more relaxed and happy when he would wear them. One day I was using my epilady on my legs, I jokingly asked him if he wanted me to use it on him, he said “sure” I told him it hurts and some of the hair may not come back, r u ok with that? he said “yes, r u?” I couldn’t understand why go through all that just for something he did only once in a while.

Again, time went on. I started getting irritated sometimes when he would wear the women’s underwear. It was almost like “no, I am the woman, u r the man!” I stuffed alot of feelings down. I was mad at myself for feeling angry sometimes, or jealous cuz I was like, ok, I get a period with really bad cramps and bloating, my boobs hurt, I don’t wear thigh highs. I even felt it was a little sexist, he was wearing stereotypical clothes , heels and all. I taught him how to do his make up, bought him a dress. Meanwhile, I just wanted to be supportive and accepting but, inside I had all these conflicting feelings. Someday I was fine with everything, then the next day I wouldn’t be fine. We discovered cross-dresser heaven, he joined then I joined. I joined the group just for SO’s. I read the stories of the other girls that had the same emotions and feelings I had.

Stepping Out Secrets

It is a confusing thing to have a SO who cross-dresses. You wonder why they do it, most of the time they don’t even know why. Why the silky undies and sexy bras? The excitement they feel and comfort they feel, why? I don’t know. I know sometimes the anger is cuz I married a man and if I wanted to marry a woman I would have. I know that sounds petty, he still is the man I married and he just likes to get in touch with his feminine side. I get jealous cuz he gets to buy a pretty dress and I don’t. I feel irritated cuz sometimes I just want to get lovey dovey with my husband and when I start to get frisky I discover he is wearing panties. and it is a shock which sometimes kills the mood, even though the shock is diminishing quickly.

It’s been over a year since I found out and the only thing I can say is “I am in love with a husband who is in love with women’s cloths” We have been lucky that with all the things that happened at the same time, we r still together. I am happy that our communication is getting stronger, I am able to open up to him more about how I feel and I think that is the most important thing for anyone out there going through this, a SO of a cross-dresser/trans gendered needs to be able to tell their partners how they feel and know it is ok, all the emotions us SO’s r feeling r real and we need to be heard and we need to know we are still loved and the most important person in your lives. We also, need to be able to be the only woman in the house sometimes. But, sometimes it is fun to have girl time. My husband is my best friend, lover and big hearted , I consider myself very lucky that we found each other. We have had hard times, ups and downs and everything in between, and I would go through it over and over because he is worth it. I also have sadness sometimes. When I think of the fact that he has gone 50+ years with all this inside, it must have made him feel so alone. I know the one person that did find out about him was his ex wife and she left him. I know I have said things or reacted when he has dressed or wore lingerie that made him feel self conscious, that was never my intention, at the same time he has made so much progress, twice now, we have gone for walks with him fully dressed, we have walked by people and said hi, I even got him to try to feminize his voice, still working on that. And yes I am using the “he” pronoun, I asked my husband and he said he preferred the “he”. I hope this article does not offend, or hurt. My full intention was just to show how I have felt through the discovery of my husband being a crossdresser and how it is ok for him to explore and it is ok for me to be involved but, still have strange feelings about it, but communicating and talking and really listening to each other is the most important thing. And for all of those out there thinking about coming out to your wives…. don’t completely dress and wait for her to get home and say “surprise”!!! Sit down and slowly ease her into it, especially with women who have strict religious backgrounds or those who have not had alot of exposure to this amazing world. Thanks for reading!!!

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  1. Morgan Staar 2 months ago

    It would also be very interesting to hear from male SO’s of cross dressers…Transitioning not only involves the MTF in a relationship but also the male partner..who transitions from best friend to boy friend. Like it did in my case.

  2. Michelle Liefde 2 months ago

    Just re-read this insightful article and realized I never expressed my thanks to you for writing it. It is writings like this that can help us all to remember that our partners are also on this journey with us. And that communication is so key. So I humbly thank you.

  3. Nayomi 3 months ago

    Thank you so much for giving us another perspective. This should drive home the fact that we see many things in life from different angles. Not necessarily right or wrong, just different. I wish many more people could be as understanding and apply this philosophy to their lives. Your relationship is too precious to be consumed with petty jealousy. Be open and free and honest with each other, find ways to make it fun for both of you, enjoy your girlfriend when she visits. You have proven to be the exception rather than the rule which makes you very special. What the two of you have is very special too. May you enjoy many more beautiful and happy years together.

  4. Bobbi 3 months ago

    Great article. Thanks for posting! My ex-wife left me for the very same reason.
    She tried to turn the kids against me, but they would have none of it!
    They stood by me! I found a new love, & she is VERY supportive of my dressing.
    My Sister jokes with me & says “I’m not going to lunch with you, because you’re prettier than me!” LOL You are truly a good person to stand by him.
    May you both be happy forever! 🙂

  5. Mikayla 3 months ago

    Thanks for the excellent article. It is very interesting to see it from your perspective. I congratulate you on your continued support.. BUT you are a rare breed. Most would toss HIM out the door, and now armed with a secret that WILL be used against him. . Because he opened up, he will lose everything, marriage house, family, and most likely have to pay for everything on top of that. All because of CLOTHES. . That’s one hell of a gamble to take, that most likely will ruin your life. As a lot of us know, coming out in our youth was a one way trip to the loonie bin and a labotomy to cure us. That and society has made it clear that we are freaks so we must keep our desires hidden or suffer the consequences. Maybe someday this will change but I’m not going to hold my breath. Wishing you all my best. Mikayla

  6. Anjanette Miranda 3 months ago

    Thank you for writing this article on how you and SO are working this in your marriage. I am going to send this to my wife. I came out and told her on my birthday. I got 2 presents that night.

  7. Kristen Heart 4 months ago

    JenH, I told my ex-wife when we were dating, very early on. She even bought me some things. she did violate my trust by telling a couple of her friends, but I understood she needed someone else to talk to about this, though I think a therapist would have been more appropriate. We never really got into Tri-ess or anything with others, it was basically something I did at home when the kids were gone for extended periods of time. Mostly it was just panties and a bra underneath my male clothes around the house. She surprised me and bought me a nightie once because she thought it would look cute on me (it had Minnie mouse on it). The one and only nightie I owned. Fast foward 19 years later and she said to me, “I can’t take your dressing anymore” (I hardly ever dressed) and said she wanted to leave. We divorced shortly after that. I’ve remarried and told my wife when we were dating that this is who/what I am, and if it is going to be an issue, then don’t marry me, no matter how much you love me, because I can’t change. She is kind of nonchalant about the whole thing. She sometimes buys me panties as a gift at Christmas time but thats it. Didn’t do me much good to tell my ex-wife because her way to communicate was to keep me happy while she was apparently unhappy with my dressing for years. Keep communicating with your husband, when you’re unhappy, tell him, but when you’re happy, tell him. If something looks good on him, tell him, if something looks bad, tell him. CDer’s don’t tell their SO’s because of several reasons. In no particular order: 1) Embarassement/fear of being laughed at. 2) Fear. fear of losing the one person that means so much to them. 3) They don’t have answers to questions the SO will want answers to. 4) Guilt. For not telling before marriage, during marriage, etc. and for spending money on clothes for his”what my wife thinks is a fetish” thing. Just my thoughts.

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