Some days you feel sexier than others. Fridays are usually my day for feeling sexy. Maybe it’s because it’s the end of the work week or maybe it’s because that’s traditionally the day to take back our energy from whatever it is we do for a living. Yesterday was Friday.
In a perfect world I would be able to wear a cute outfit as I go to work and finish my week with a smile; however, it’s not a perfect world, so I put my stockings, panties, and short tight little black dress on under my normal uniform. ‘Underdressing’ is what it’s called.
My normal work uniform consists of a t-shirt, a button up maintenance shirt, and black jeans. Yes, I am in maintenance and therefore no cute shoes either. Boots, and since boots and stockings just don’t work I put on white sweat socks on top of the cute black stockings and then my boots. Taking a look in the full-length mirror in my bedroom I smiled and felt pretty. Little did I know what would happen in a few hours.
Fridays are busy and heavy for me at work. They always have been and always will be and I had a lot of layers on. Before the first two hours of work had finished I was sweating through my pretty black dress, t-shirt, and uniform shirt. I had to take the dress off or make a terrible showing of myself. Now comes the problem of where to put it. It’s little but it won’t fit in my pocket and if I just carry it out of the bathroom and put it in a cupboard then everyone will see and ask what it is? What am I going to do?
Sadly, I had to toss the dress. I wrapped it in some paper towels and put it on the bottom of the basket. I started my day feeling cute and sexy and ended without a dress and feeling drab.
But something happened that was more important than the loss of a dress. I, of course, initially went to that dark place we all know. Feeling alone and ashamed I continued doing my job under this cloud. We all know this place. It’s an internal landscape of judgment and shame. “Why am I so damn weird?” and “Why can’t I just be a normal man?” echoed in my own voice through my head. A person can feel so lonesome with these voices your only companion.
That’s when I remembered Crossdresser Heaven. Crossdresser Heaven is filled with people just like me. Everyone here has similar feelings, the same questions bounce around their heads, and most here have traveled the same path that I am and that made me feel better. The dark cloud lifted and I accepted myself a little bit more. I, like everyone here, am perfectly me. Whether in pants and boots or in a slip, dress, and makeup, we should continue to rejoice in the beauty and diversity of ourselves. Like a stained glass window that the sun is shining through we are a picture of mixed up beautiful colored landscape.
Never stop being yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. We are just as important and needed as everyone else.
Thank you for sharing Jessica! As a partner, not a CD, articles like yours help me better understand the struggle my love deals with every day. It’s heart breaking to hear the questions you ask yourself, like “why am I so damn weird?" because I hate to think she has those same thoughts. I too am grateful for CDH, maybe for different reasons, and for members like you who share pieces of yourself that add to my understanding and help me love my sweetheart better.
Trisha-
Thank you for telling me this. All of the response has really been amazing. I think that the answer to the question of being weird is either that a person isn’t or if they are there are a whole bucket full of other folks who are just as wonderfully weird and gorgerous and that’s beautiful.
Thanks again for your response.
Jess
Thank you Jessica for sharing your story. Even after all these years of going out as Terri, it still feels good to know that I am not alone in my struggle.
Terri-
I’m very glad that we aren’t alone in this.
Quite the subject- I see the unpleasantness & complications boiling down to two basic problems—Religion/control & Money /Control–
Janedon-
Everything seems to come back to control doesn’t it.
Hi Jessica, Thank you for the nice post to read. I, like the rest of the girls, wish with all my heart I had been born female. You and I definately have the same thoughts on the locker room talk. It is inappropriate and disrespectful. It seems I am in that dark place you mentioned. I too feel ashamed and wish I was like other men out there, but I love being girlie, and feel 100% the way I feel inside. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I came out to my wife two… Read more »
Karyn-
It’s great to know there are other girls like us around. It took a while for my wife and I to chat more about it but now we can easily chat.
Oh for the day when we all can just be.
I d love to wear a pair of high waist skinny jeans strappy heels and a nice top with all the underthings
And just go out for a normal day
But not yet!
Stef-
I know what you mean. I want to wear a knee high skirt, flats, and any old shirt out and just be a regular day.
Thanks for sharing this. I understand, as do most of us here, about wanting just to be able to dress the ay we want to. Underdressing is definitely a great outlet for expression of our feminine persona. I have become more bold over recent years and have started wearing mostly female clothing all the time. You’d be surprised what you can “get away with” if you choose carefully. Jeans, sneakers, and other garments can look fairly generic, yet make all the difference in the world in how we feel.
Ashleigh-
Good for you. I have begun to do that as well.
It is so good to know I am not alone. I do not pass as a women. I also wear feminine clothing under my boring men’s clothes.
I do not like rejection so women’s shorts, panties, bra, and small tank top is about as far as I dare go.
I am still learning to accept myself and love me as I am.
That’s the key isn’t it. Loving ourselves just the way we are.
Great article. It is a war sometimes as we try suppress what wants to come out. I have accepted the feminine me so it’s not so bad now. But she wants to spend money like it grows on trees lol. I now have just about as much women’s wear as my other half. It’s hard to keep her in check when she see’s a beautiful dress or skirt or a new pair of heels. Or the latest in make-up lol. More often than not she wins which is ok.
I was just reflecting on that same thing in my journal. I don’t even buy mens clothing anymore. The most I do is to make sure the women’s clothing isn’t to feminine so I end up with really feminine and not so much. Oh well. I wonder where things will be in ten years.
I’m Amanda and I have been crossdressing since I can remember. I have also been suffering from deppresion because I have to hide my true self. I love wearing pantyhose and heels dresses and panties, but I’ve know for about 4 years that I’m bout sexual and love feeling girlie my gf knew about it and wen we split up 3 weeks ago she outed me I denied it but am so ashamed I wish I had the nerve to come out . Am I a coward? No . I’m a beautiful woman inside, wow I’m so confused
Amanda-
No you aren’t a coward, and she shouldn’t have outed you. You are a beautiful person inside and that isn’t confusing. You are who you are and there isn’t any shame in it.
Thanks for sharing and good luck with things.
Jess
Decimos aqui " si la vida te da un limon, hazte una limonada".