Dabbing my toes in the water of femininity. Is this what I’m really doing or am I a creature of unknown origins? A collection of thoughts and actions that show neither a true path nor a divergence from safety and the familiar.
Enough with the existentialism. Just what the heck am I? This is the thought that is always in my mind and affects me daily as I try to navigate a path that one moment seems free of obstacles to one that even the best pathfinder couldn’t track. In years past, this would be another anxiety to face. It goes far deeper than my infatuation with femininity. I am most assuredly something more than a heterosexual crossdresser that pretends in the land of womanhood.
The separation of what it all means is where my difficulty lies. There is a woman in me as surely as there is a man. I’ve never taken hormones so I have no idea if they would suppress the one and enhance the other. Would that ease the anxiety? Make it worse? It’s funny, but I think that if I could move out of my well-known life here and start anew I might be more of a male crossdresser. I would be happy living as a female and donning the persona of a man to do what was needed to get by. So, what stops me. Simply put…my life and responsibilities. I live with and take care of my aging parents. Neither know nor suspect my true nature. My mother has stage 3 lung cancer and suffers from dementia. My 94-year-old father gets by fairly good but our personalities clash. I could be in this role for a year or 5, maybe more. Leaving them to fend on their own isn’t an option. Not in my book. My sister is in equally bad health and may not survive much longer either. That leaves me.
I’m a puzzle solver. I see the big picture and I can easily become frustrated by narrow minds and stubbornness. (I have my own moments…) I accept rational explanations and the grey areas as equals. I choose to stay quiet rather than create a ruckus. I concede to avoid senseless arguing. I hide rather than presenting a truer me. There are times that I wish I could only be self-focused and do only for myself; it would sure ease some of the anxieties. But…money, relationships, my parents and sister, my kids, grandkids, career, health, the list extends on. What am I willing to sacrifice? I don’t suffer from gender dysphoria, not to the point where I hate my maleness and suffer because of it. I just want to be more feminine. I want breasts, long hair, and the hair to be gone where it shouldn’t be. The need for complete surgery…not sure. Without the benefit of hormones, I feel as if I’m 60-70% female. Would that change? Does a woman feel 100% female or the manly man 100% male? Do I have to be at least 90% sure to proceed?
This is the life puzzle that I keep trying to put together. It’s only a million pieces or so. I envy those who had much smaller puzzles, especially those who have completed theirs; mine might never be completed. However, I’ve not given up putting it together. In my mind, it’s the process that is the most important. I’m doing something, albeit sometimes at a snail’s pace. I’m going to take another step soon and meet with a therapist to help me answer some of the prevailing questions. We will be studying each other and playing a game…this I know, because it’s who I am and why I’ve declined this route for a long time. In another life, I might have been the one doing the counseling.
One of the anxieties that we impose on ourselves is the need to have some form of finality or scripted direction. Never has this been truer than in today’s “You are with us or against us” mentality. Society no longer values middle ground. Yet, that’s exactly where 80% of us reside with the other 20% occupying the extremes. Sadly, they are the voice that speaks loudest and the ones who propagate hatred towards differing thoughts. It has gotten so bad that it has become the “Norm.” We blindly follow and act in kind. Why? What happened to awareness and common sense? Oh, yeah…pressure to conform or accept directives from every sector of our lives; with us or against us…
I found this discussion on being transgender to be helpful. What It Means to Be Transgender (webmd.com) I sometimes wonder, “Do I belong on this site? Is it only for those who are “Pure Crossdressers” or for those who feel this site should exclude those who considered themselves a variant of transgender or any other term?” Short answer. Yes, I belong here and no it isn’t. This site is for anyone who feels they have a feminine side to them, whether related to dressing only or performance art, and for those who feel an inner female inside and wish to share and learn more about it (themselves.) CDH is where we can all learn from those who have experienced what it is to be a crossdresser at all levels or from those who decided to take their next steps, regardless of what those might be. Someone has done what we consider to be our next possibility. Hearing from them, learning from them, this is what this place is about.
I spend more time here on Crossdresser Heaven than I do on Transgender Heaven. I share my journey here in hopes that I might help others navigate to Transgender Heaven if they feel they might be more, too. I’m also comfortable in calling this place my home, even as I’ve realized that I am more than what might be considered a “traditional crossdresser.” I used to fear that revelation the most. I put stress on myself to accept that I was transgendered and that it must entail a need to transition. Now I don’t. I just have to find the me that I can live peacefully with. What that means today can be dramatically altered down the road. It could go either way. I just don’t know. What will never change is that I am a combination of male and female. That is my certainty. It does me no good to wish upon a star or regret that I didn’t do something earlier or feel as if it’s too late. It isn’t. There is no time limit on becoming…
Let kindness be your guide and understanding be your mentor. Until next time…
Brina
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
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Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
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Brian, thank you for your thoughts. . . . and heart. Your articles are always replete with both. Many times articles are frothy with “pink fog" emotion. That’s OK, good in fact. All that is written here at CDH fill a need both for the author and for the reader. But there is more to one’s CD / trans life than “pink fog". More often than not there is the substance of intense struggle, questions without definitive answers, deep emotional pain, dare I say sacrifice, etc. that are so close to so many of us. Regularly your articles, because they… Read more »
Charrie, Wow…thank you for the supportive comments and your clarity! That’s exactly why I write the articles for the site. To not only share me, but to hopefully help others as well. There are two prevailing winds that whip us daily, “Be one of us" and “Find your balance" One demands, and the other searches for peace. They could easily be written just for us. Sometimes it’s our very own hearts and minds that fight and give us the most stress. Both have strong messages and only each of us can determine what, and how much of either to adhere… Read more »
Brina,
My appreciation for your commitment to the difficult task of caring for your parents. I know from experience what it means to be the sole caregiver in this situation. In the end it is family taking care of family.
I know that it is difficult to not be able to find the answers we seek but there is still immense value in the never ending search.
My best to you and family.
Linda
Thank you for the kind words, Linda. I agree with their being value in the search. That is what we sometimes forget as we are programmed to believe in either/ or. Thanks for the comments 🙂
Brina! Loved your story, and your writing chops. We both have these things in common, i.e. the need to exppose our womanly traits and writing about them. My wife, a Westmores of Hollywood grad for makeup artistry, and I have an Instructional School for CDers. Loved the story on the ART of CDIng in last edition. That author and I have been in communications about the subject. Neither of us want to give up being men, who happen to cross dress. I am so pleased that you are able to follow your dreams, based on your emotional erges, and the… Read more »
T.J.
Thank you for responding. Glad to hear you have reached out to Alexandra. I think the hardest thing, and not just for me or CD’s in general is to realize there is no such thing as a “perfect world." We can only be who we are and find a balance that we can not only live with but thrive in as well!
My best to you, too 🙂
Truly one of the best written articles I’m read in a very long time…so many shared feelings and emotions. God Bless you!
Thank you very much, Rowena. So kind of you to say!
Thank you Brina for your thoughts. I love the last line… “There is no time limit on becoming"…. which is so true.
Thanks, Michelle 🙂
Brina, truer words could not be spoken. Fantastic article. I have also accepted myself as ‘becoming’ and I know not where that will eventually land, if in fact, there is an ‘eventual’ 🙂 I guess we are forever evolving… I am currently a little lost after having one of the best days of my life (and being Tara for most of it). I feel a little like Inigo Montoya, “Is very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life." (I’m not going… Read more »
Tara,
your thoughts and comments are appreciated. I’m sure we could share many interesting stories. The build-up and planning for those much-needed and all too infrequent opportunities. I get my hour or two every morning, but it isn’t “all the way" which is so valuable in lots of ways.
So wonderful, your Princess Bride usage…one of my all-time favorites 🙂 My best with working through things with your wife.
Thanks Brina for a well written piece. I don’t think anyone is ever content with where they are on the journey, in fact many people don’t recognise that they’re on a journey at all, and that’s deserving of sadness. We’re none of us 100% Male or 100% Female, the people on this site recognise that fact, many don’t. Perhaps the people likely to be reading this have a stronger female side than other that were born male – or perhaps we just choose to acknowledge it. That’s probably one for the philosophers… Aristotle might wonder if it helps you lead… Read more »
Oh, Kerry! What an interesting concept for an article. Crossdressing and the philosophers. It would be a laugh! I think you should write it and submit it. I agree with your comments. I think it even goes beyond the philosophical and into genetics. If we are born of both male and female how is it we are recategorized after birth into one or the other? We have this trait and that one, our mother’s eyes our father’s nose… Not only do we have the physical traits but the emotions and thinking patterns as well. As I’ve said, the world needs… Read more »
Brina…
Like others who have commented, I too was my Mom’s caregiver for the last years of her life. I can relate, wholeheartedly! Dressing was not even on the radar, but at least there was no money-wasting-purge this time 🙂
Thank you for this wonderful article, Brina. You write with gifted eloquence! I found a similarity to my own journey in every paragraph. And you have my sympathies and prayers regarding your family situation. It must weigh on you heavily!
God bless you and your family!
Gaje
Gaje,
Thank you for the kind words! It does weigh. It can be hard to be patient…more so with my father–we see things from the opposite side. At his age, there is no compromising as he is who he is and continues to do the same things, even knowing that it bothers me. I avoid more than engage. The worst is yet to come with my mother..probably why I ended up on blood pressure meds this month. I will survive…as long as I can golf and keep my sanity 🙂
Thank you for the compliments, too!
“I am most assuredly something more than a heterosexual crossdresser that pretends in the land of womanhood." That quote just gave me chills!!! I’ve never felt like I was “acting " every time I got dressed. I just always felt like that was what I was supposed to be wearing to best represented myself. I’ve been trying to explain that to my psychologist, but he just acts like I’m trans or something for just saying that dressing as a normal female would feels normal to me. I’ve been dressing this way since I was a kid and I honestly cannot… Read more »
Tabitha,
I know exactly how you feel, much more so today than early on. Back then it was a need that I didn’t understand, a quick fix or stress reliever. Now I grasp that it was the woman part of me wanting to be heard and not suppressed. Our own minds are sometimes the hardest to overcome. Thank you for the comments!
Hey Brina
What a magnificent article, so thoughtfully written and speaks to us all…
I have asked the “who am I" question so many times. My answer is one that I still am unable to share with so many people, other than here.
Thank you so much for this.
Take care!
Samantha x x x
Thank you as well, Samantha 🙂