A reflection on “passing”

Clubbing

It was the first time I had ever been to that particular club.  There was an admission charge for men, but the t-girls and cross-dressers were admitted for free. The invitation did let it be known that there was a changing room available for crossdressers to trade their man clothes for their girl clothes. I arrived early in my man clothes but showed the guy at the door that I had my girl clothes with me and was going to change. I didn’t have to pay the cover charge. I changed in the changing room. I put on my tight jeans and a long sleeve cotton shirt, my usual blond wig and gold hoop earrings. I wore strappy-black heels. I stepped out to mingle and immediately realized that I was not dressed like the other girls who were dressed in far sexier styles.

I stayed for about two hours and met some wonderful people and really cemented a relationship with one girl whom I had met a couple of times before at other events. Then I returned to the changing room, took off my makeup, and got back into my man clothes to head home. As I was leaving, I stopped near the entrance and got involved in a conversation. There was a different person at the door than when I arrived. It was someone I had met in the club and had a conversation with not even one hour earlier. She approached me and asked me if I had paid the cover charge.

It was clear to me that she didn’t realize we had already met each other in the party. “It’s me,” I said, “Katie. I just changed to leave.”

“With the blond hair and the jeans?” She asked. “I am so sorry, I just didn’t recognize you.”

“Do I really look that different?” I asked.

“My god, yes!” She said. “You looked so good when I first saw you, I though you were a Cis-girl and I thought you were lost. And now, you look like a handsome man.”

“Thank you,” I said, blushing  (btw: I cannot emphasize enough how much I love flattery!) “That’s so nice to hear.”

After a little more chat, I headed home. On the drive home, it hit me: Maybe I can pass. That thought, however, quickly gave way to rather convoluted train of thought. First, I dissuaded myself of the fantasy that I could actually pass as a woman. I am six feet tall in bare feet, and I would have been 6’4″ in the heels I had been wearing. I have large hands and a deep voice. If I was mistaken for a cis-girl, it could only have been from a distance. For sure, once I opened my mouth to speak, my deep voice would have outed me. Second, I realized that not-passing is actually a more comfortable state of being for me. I am NOT a cis-girl. I don’t want to become one either. I am very happy with my biology, my libido, and my orientation (as screwy as they are).

It was a bit of an epiphany to realize that actually passing for a cis-woman is not something I particularly desire. It would require both internal and external deception. I don’t want that. I want to be pretty, and feminine, and desirable, and cute, but I don’t want to be something I’m not. I am not male or female at all times. In fact, I would much rather be seen as a particularly attractive cross-dresser than as an unusually large and ill-proportioned cis-girl. Like it or not, and true or not, I feel that I rate a whole lot hotter on the spectrum of cross-dressers, than on the spectrum of cis-women!

What I want to be is an awesome cross-dresser and that’s all I want to be. In my mind that’s far more comfortable than being an unusually tall and masculine-proportioned woman.

Realizing this has been completely liberating. For once in my life, I like who I am.

 

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Katie Robbins

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  1. Profile photo of Tess Williams
    Tess Williams 8 months ago

    Great article – thank you for posting.

    I think you’ve landed in a really good balance of both sides of you – both mentally and physically. Kudos to you.

  2. Profile photo of debbie
    debbie 8 months ago

    Oh Katie a wonderful article. I have known so many girls just afraid to leave the house over the issue of passing as a cis-girl . I too go to tclubs where some of the girls are gorgeous but obviously male. No reason we cant all enjoy being who we are and be proud of just being a feminine and sexy cd.

  3. Profile photo of Dot (Donna B)
    Dot (Donna B) 9 months ago

    Thanks Katie for your very interesting article. I found your thoughts enlightening and it made me think about perspective a lot. Thanks again very well done.

  4. Profile photo of
    Sissy Lisa 9 months ago

    Thank you for posting this. Your experience and revelation speak to a deep part of me that I’m still trying to understand. I think I hold very similar goals. I’m not so worried about being taken as a woman, I just want to look pretty/sexy/etc. as a CD. So again, thank you so much for sharing, I think you’ve inspired a new line of self reflection for me.

  5. Josie 9 months ago

    Lovely adventure…… You had fun, met some lovely people and learned a good deal about your self in the bargain….. I can relate to that……
    Josie

  6. Profile photo of MaryJo
    MaryJo 9 months ago

    There aren’t a whole lot of tall women, but there are a few. I know one personally; she might be even a centimeter taller than I.

    It is great that you are so comfortable with your appearance. I’m still very nervous about being out in public en femme so you are doing better than I am. But your story gives me hope that I can sort that out. I too am just fine with the gender I was given, but occasionally want to express my feminine side.

  7. Profile photo of Ashleigh
    Ashleigh 9 months ago

    Great story! Thanks for sharing. Helps put things in perspective for me.
    Ashleigh

  8. Pat Scales 9 months ago

    A great conclusion and one that works for me and would probably ease stress for others if they can reach that same epiphany. Be who you are and be happy. I love to dress and thy to do some dressing daily but I savor those rare occasions when I can get out and about.
    I am a large guy who is pretty happy as a guy. I realize that at my size I will always be looked at funny if folks were trying to peg me as a cis-woman. On the other hand there is nothing wrong with an over sized cross dresser.
    Pat

  9. Profile photo of Patricia Marie Allen
    Patricia Marie Allen 9 months ago

    If they are going to have a problem with the way I’m dressed better that it’s on the surface in the beginning. I can simply walk away and we can avoid being around each other.

    I shop at our local Bi-Mart and Safeway en femme almost exclusively. As a matter-of-fact I’ve quit going to Bi-Mart in drab because there’s one employee there that likes to stop and chat with me. When ever she sees me, she makes it a point to come over to me and talk. The last time I was there in drab, she spotted me and came over to talk. When she realized I was in drab, after saying “Hi”, she was visibly uncomfortable and walked away. Since then, she’s resumed talking with me when I’m in femme. It seems she has developed a casual friendship with my feminine persona and is uncomfortable with me when I appear any other way. I quite enjoy the fact she’d rather interact with my femme self.

  10. Profile photo of Jesse Nicole(Smokey)
    Jesse Nicole(Smokey) 9 months ago

    Love this Katie! You are fortunate to have a public place that is so accepting. Keep it up girl, you look great!
    Hugs,
    Jesse

  11. Profile photo of skippy1965(Cynthia)
    skippy1965(Cynthia) 9 months ago

    Katie, what a thought provoking article. Thank you for sharing it with the community!

  12. Profile photo of jamie
    jamie 9 months ago

    Thats what I would like to be a cute crossdresser sometimes. Other times be a man . Its all good tho still having fun.

  13. Profile photo of Kayla Jameson
    Kayla Jameson 9 months ago

    Katie, First of all, I’ve seen your profile picture, and you are pretty. I’ll probably never pass, but I can look as good as I possibly can. I like being a man with a very feminine nature inside along with the masculine. I like my duality. I present as either, depending on how I feel.
    Thank you for your article. It helped me to realize that I’m not totally nuts.

  14. Profile photo of Darcy Bainsley
    Darcy Bainsley 9 months ago

    WOW a night club that lets t-girls and CDs in for no cover, that makes me smile. Sorry I know that wasn’t the intent of your article but still…
    I loved your conclusion. Like you I am both Male and Female but don’t think of myself as a crossdresser. I just express my femininity and love to look pretty

  15. Profile photo of Maxine Doos
    Maxine Doos 9 months ago

    Great article Katie!
    That’s an interesting conclusion you’ve arrived at and food for thought for many of us.
    Hugs,
    Maxine.

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