I’ve had a bad 10 days.

April 10th a lifelong friend passed away suddenly. A mentor, a colleague, a friend, he was all of that and more. He had some health issues but to the best of my knowledge, there were no immediate concerns. He got up early that morning, we guess to use the bathroom and didn’t make it back to bed. He was 71 years old, only 5 years my senior.

Why mention this?  Well aside from the obvious cry for sympathy, it drove home how fleeting life is. How quickly it can all end. What if that were me?  How will my survivors react when they find my feminine clothing?  There is the crossdressing angle.

My wife knows that I’m a crossdresser but doesn’t acknowledge it. A big old pink elephant in the corner of the room. My children do not know. She was adamant about that. They have varying opinions on transgender issues so I have zero idea of their reactions when they find out.

The time will come when my things will be sorted out, to be discarded since I’ll have no further use of them.  Maybe my wife will have sold the house and be going through stuff before moving.

Jillian’s wardrobe will be discovered. The clothes, the shoes, the jewelry, the makeup (there are toys as well, after all Jillian is a sexual creature).  All in a couple of Tupperware buckets in the basement, hiding in plain sight.  One of the kids will ask, “Hey Mom, is this stuff yours?”  Maybe my wife will be quick enough to claim ownership, maybe she won’t be.  Maybe she won’t care, maybe she’ll throw me under the bus. “Your father was a (place your favorite pejorative here)”.

I don’t know how it will happen or when it will happen but it will happen. The discovery will cause pain. Which I have strived to avoid my entire life.

Am I selfish?

We’ve been told to be our authentic selves.  Is it justified when our authentic selves cause our loved ones pain?

Am I a coward?

I am deathly afraid of the repercussions of revealing myself to my family.  Should I pull up my big girl panties and face the possible ridicule, rejection, loss of respect? This all conspires to keep the closet door tightly shut.

En Femme Discover Woman Within

Am I just delaying the inevitable?

Sooner or later, like it or not, the closet door will be ripped open.

A friend died and I begin to question life, the universe and everything.  I hope I didn’t depress anyone.  I needed to put my thoughts into words. Perhaps I’ve given you something to think about.

  • Are you still deep in the closet with your thrill of cross dressing and are considering letting immediate family members or any other folks know about your cross dressing before your life comes to an end?
  • Have you told an immediate family member recently about your cross dressing and what was their reaction to your news?
  • Do you currently feel any guilt of shame as a result of your cross dressing?

Thank you girls taking the time to read my article. If you have a few extra moments, please take time to send me a response to either my article to one of my three questions noted above.

Sincerely, Jillian.


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Paula Rae Jones
28 days ago

   First, Jillian, let me express, along with everyone else, my condolences on the loss of such a good friend. I would guess that, with the loss of such a friend, your family will play an even larger role for you now. And, while I understand your wife’s disdain for your desire to dress, it’s the mainstream point of view, I’m sure. It would be nice if . . . .  While, in some quarters, there is more tolerance shown toward unconventional gender preferences and orientations, there are also (still) people who are ready and anxious to assail anyone who is different . .… Read more »

Caty Ryan
Active Member
23 days ago

Losing someone close it always very hard. Its happened to me twice in the last 3 years. My only 20 year old grandson and before that a schoolmate and close mate of 60 years!! Incidentally, the latter knew about Caty and was very supportive. If I’m still “upright” and it’s ever confirmed that I’m going to that “big CD haven in the sky”, then I shall quietly distribute all of Caty’s wardrobe to the local CD/TS group, also to a group that helps gender diverse people with limited resources. If I fall off my perch unexpectedly there’s notes in various… Read more »

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