The new year hearkens a time when we look forward, where old things are reexamined and new things are planned. Vicki’s inspiration for this week invites us into the beauty that awaits in 2010. Remember, do you what you love, even if you love wearing woman’s clothing.
“For behold I create a new heavens and a new earth, and the former things shall not be remembered or come into mind.” Isaiah 65:17
The New Year is to most of us a time to look ahead to the future and promise that in the coming year we will do better at whatever it is we decide we need to be better at. “Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot and Never Brought to Mind”, that sort of thing which is so accurately reflected in the verse from Isaiah. Too often though, the old habits, old ways of thinking keep pulling us back I am no different than the rest, but events during this last holiday season have put this verse at the front of my thinking for the coming year, and once again I make promises that I already know will be hard to keep, but armed with some new insight from Isaiah, perhaps I will be more successful than before.
One of the biggest things that hang over me, especially at this time of year is how far am I willing to go to put myself on the line as a TG person. Indeed, how committed am I to maintaining a more regular schedule in terms of just writing these inspirations. It’s not from a lack of real inspiration as much as it is old habits convincing me personally that even this is a trivial exercise and there is so much more to be gained by surfing the net for useless information that I’ll never need again. A year ago I came across Crossdresser Heaven and resolved that I would finally listen to what I think God had been saying to me and step out in a positive and visible way in order to be a spokesperson for the TG and the larger LGBTG community. Well, this column was a start, and I did finally venture out into public, but the goals I had set last year kept being pushed off to the distant future. Habits, ways of thinking, and fears kept cropping up and making “good” excuses for NOT doing a column, not attending a LGBTG event at a local church, even in drab, not following up on other opportunities that came my way,
The holidays played a part in this new awakening to me. My relationship with my mother and siblings had taken a hit when I divorced my first wife and settled in with my girlfriend Molly. Four years later things have not improved though in my mind I had hoped for a Christmas Miracle. It is painful to me that my Lutheran family seems so hard hearted to the woman I love so deeply and who makes me happier than anyone ever has done in my life. She is my soul mate and it is painful for me that my family, mother especially, cannot allow themselves to accept this “Jezebel” and see beyond the event to the heart she has inside. Unfortunately a pleasant post Christmas visit, (minus the love of my life), was spoiled by a simple comment by mom that pretty much shattered my hopes for a full reconciliation anytime soon.
I was stung, not from a sense of feeling guilt, for the comment mom made was sorely out of proportion and context to a perceived slight. I realized that forgiveness was not forthcoming, for Molly, and by extension, for me. I struggled a day or two with this information until the words from Isaiah crept up on my e-mail Tuesday morning. God promises a new way of looking and seeing the world. Perhaps my blood relations cannot see it yet, but there is hope. But for my part, I need to let go of that hurt first and move on into the next phase of God’s life plan for me.
I can already hear many of you saying; well what does this have to do with cross dressing for goodness sake? A couple things, first any illusion of coming out to my family any time soon , before I make certain other steps in this lifestyle is not going to happen. Imagine the fireworks over that one, not only did he divorce his wife, he runs around in Jezebel’s clothes. But it doesn’t matter. To hold onto the past restricts my step to the future. What was in my mind an excuse became a roadblock. Not that I will forget mom entirely, I am her son, but I cannot let her opinion of me and my desire to “make it right” prevent me from moving ahead in a life affirming, love filled way. There is the second part of the lesson for us as cross dressers. No matter where you find yourself on the journey, look to the words of Isaiah. Old ways of thinking and behaving are out, God has established a new heaven on earth and we are assured of that in Christ. To all my sisters then, a Happy New Year, one filled with positive steps ahead, be it in acceptance of yourself as God accepts you, or in steps out into the world, to find where that self fits in , but most importantly to find the work that God wants you to give as a full measure of that self that is wholly you..
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