The date and day are irrelevant as is the location of the event. What season it was and what the weather was like on that sunny morning is also unimportant. The fact that I was on a day off only matters because of what I was doing.
I had showered, shaved, and pulled out the powder n’ paint. You may have heard the phrase, ”Powder and paint makes a girl what she ain’t.” It was told to me by a beautifully made up gg from Florida whom I was sharing drinks with one evening in a Canadian bar in Southern Alberta.
My friend had taught me some makeup tips that I could put into practice. On this particular Sunday morning, I was in full swing at the mirror. I was dressed in a long flowing white boho-style skirt; I love boho. I added a bright blue and white off the shoulder, ¾ sleeve top and had bare feet with pretty, painted toes and some foot jewelry. Dangling from my ears was the single largest, most blingy pair of boho earrings I owned—about the size of a tablespoon or big willow leaf fishing lure!
I’d watched a YouTube video and absolutely mastered a beautiful, thick, fish tail braid that draped gently over one shoulder as my side bang swept across my face all sassy.
Knock…knock…knock…silence…
Have you noticed you often just know who it is at your door by the way they knock? And I knew this knock very well. This was that every now and then knocking; it sounds almost apologetic, a little nervous, almost obligated.
Every time that knock came, I sat very still and very quietly on the side of my bed, waiting as my chosen strategy. They never retry more than three times, maybe there’s a limit allowed? This day, however, I felt my body twitch. I ignored it, ignored it again. And then all of the sudden, I was approaching the door with a power-filled determination; a new decision had been made. There was some fear, yes, but in that moment there was much more determination guiding my body.
My inner dialogue shifted from “don’t move, be quiet, and back away from the situation” to, “I don’t know them, don’t need to know them, and I care not about what they think, say or do except when they are in my space.” Maybe I can teach them more about my beliefs than what they’ll attempt to teach me about their beliefs, simply by showing up and us engaging each other.
I reached the door, and with one smooth motion pulled it open as wide as it would go. There I stood in all my pretty boho-magnificence. Smiling big through my glistening red lips I said, “Gooood morning, what a beautiful day to be out and about, hey?”
I’d had enough of cowering in my own home. At times, we can choose to do a thing until you reach the point when you’ve finally had enough. No matter what it is, whether it’s eating ice cream, having sex, jogging, it doesn’t matter. We do it until we’ve had enough, and then we choose to do something different.
I’d had enough of playing small, powerless, afraid, and unworthy or in any way less-than anyone else simply because of the way I choose to decorate my body!
That decision has given me the courage and strength to push the limits of my comfort zone further and further outward, ever expanding as our universe does, naturally. I call it: expanding my play pen.
What have you had enough of right now in your life? What could you, in this moment decide on that is “enough,” for you? Would you make a choice that will empower you, let it take you one step, no matter how big or small, closer to your true, authentic self-desires?
I have had enough of isolating, stagnating, and self-induced victim states…what’s next for me? Video!! Arrgh…the mere notion sends fear throughout me, but also, Determination to expand. “It’s Show Time!”
Tell me what you have had enough of and are willing to change right now. Decide with big determination on one thing you’ve had enough of; I am excited to support you on your adventure as I am supported on mine. I am grateful for each of you here.
Namaste’
Char
More Articles by Char
- Happy Holidays?
- Are you willing to feeel goood?
- Getting back to normal?
- Something to Celebrate
- True freeedom exists!
Latest posts by Char (see all)
- Happy Holidays? - December 20, 2021
- Are you willing to feeel goood? - August 19, 2021
- Getting back to normal? - July 7, 2021
- Something to Celebrate - June 30, 2021
- True freeedom exists! - May 5, 2021
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My first time out dressed was similar in context (though not similar in details) to your situation. It was around 20 years ago (year 2,000 I think) when, like you, I thought, enough was enough, and put on bra and panties, pulled on an androgynous blouse, put on my male pants, packed my skirt into a bag, and went to a deserted overpass a few streets away from where I stay, took off my pants, put on my skirt, stuffed my pants into my bag, and walked home (I already got shoulder-length hair at that time, so in the dark… Read more »
Loved youre story i can relate
Thaaank you, look out world, we are getting stronger hehehe
Namaste’
n huggles Jack
Char
Thank you for you great reply Wing! Always be safe dear as you expand your play pen 😉 I believe that the more we are seen and heard, the sooner we will be seen as normal and that is my life mission, because we are ALL normal 😉
Namaste’
n huggles my new friend
Char
I got to a similar point by a different route, but once I got to the IDGAF stage, things were so much better – and easier. When I stopped caring what others thought – surprise! – I made oh so many friends while out and about. Seems happiness is contagious and you can’t help passing it on to others.
Glad you were able to spread your wings.
Hugs,
April
April you are so naturally beautiful girl, thaaank you for your comment; yep getting past the IDGAF , but in a loving way, is huge for me. I Am Free, and we all are when we refuse to comply with repression…Eventually, one of us will be prime minister or president; Everything is possible Is what I believe hehehe A branch can be bent in a complete circle if it’s done slowly, steadily and intentionally yup yup yup… I just keep showing up presenting with love, kindness and yup, happiness and it is sooo contagious! I love it!! Namste’ n huggles… Read more »
Such an inspirational story, Char. When I think about all of the times I didn’t answer the door, I cannot help but wonder what the consequences would have been. What I remember is feelings of embarrassment and cowardice. Next time I’m going to say “enough” and swing that door wide!
Yeah those are not the kind of feelings I want in my body; As I expand my playpen, I always do my utmost best to insure the safety of lil Char, I am her keeper, her guardian, so I don’t put her intentionally into dangerous situations. That being said, I also put hr in situations that expand and grow her awareness of self. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to take an action, in spite of fear, in the safest possible way 😉 Thaaank you so much for being you Jenny Naste’ n huggles for ya… Read more »
Thank you, Char. So well spoken. Courage without recklessness in order to nurture.
YES! Exactly that…I don’t think we ever feel “fearless” in some situations, but courage is the ability to take an action anyway, even when e are afraid, because we have done all we can do to create the safest possible space for ourselves to have the experience. It just makes sense to set one’s self up for the best possible success ya? lol I like to think of it like growing my confidence by showing the fearful me, “I Got This” & lil uncertain me is safe in my care hehe Thaaank you for your reply Jenny, you are appreciated… Read more »
Char, Wonderful article as always. I’m not quite at the totally IDGAF point that April is , but I have gotten much more comfortable going out and about as Cyn. I’ve told a few more friends at pool -who have seen pics but not yet hung out with them while in full regalia. The rest of my nieces and nephews know of me being CD/TG though again notnall have seen me in person dressed. I guess my next goal is to let myself be me in front of those who know me-letting them be as used to me as my… Read more »
Awe Thaaank You, and look at you in those shades you sexy thang you hehe Ya know Cyn, we are natural, maybe not “normal” to some,,,,yet,,,but we’re getting there and I agree totally with you. Choose a few peeps who you know will not ham you and go for it hehe I had a call from an old construction buddy today. I directed him to my fb page myzenstone, and he said, well I’m coming by your place for hugs n stories haha another coming out success and a little expansion of my own playpen yet again… We Got This… Read more »
Last night, as I was driving home from the crossdresser support group en femme, I wanted to stop at the liquor store so I could have a nightcap, but the old thoughts came up. “these people see you and will make the connection.” “What if the store is full?” “I don’t pass so it will be just embarrassing.” “Someone will say something.” I was tired of being controlled by my mind’s stories, and decided I would do it anyway. Besides, like you, I felt like a million dollars in my elegant ruffle skirt and gossamer wrap i had bought the… Read more »
Gooose Bumps! I love your story Lorie, thaank you so much for sharing that; You inspire me 🙂
We don’t have to conquer the world in a single bound, just as long as we safely, and yes, strategically, make our steps matter to us. We are growing our self worth, self esteem, courage and integrity AND we’re teaching the world that they don’t have to be afraid of us, we’re good people and there’s no shame in that 🙂
Showing up peacefully, joyfully, confidently and “safely” is the cream Baby hehehe
Namaste’
n big huggles always Lorie
Char
Hi Char, I really enjoyed your story. Thanks for sharing. I’ve had those moments behind the closed front door as well. Being retired, I dress en femme every day. Typically for everyday wear, I dress very casually; black leggings, bralette, panties, female socks, and an androgynous shirt. I don’t need a wig as my hair is really long (down to my bra strap). When there is someone at the front door, the welcoming committee (my dog) is barking her fool head off. And this gives me time to check out who is at the door. If it is someone I… Read more »
Hahaha I love it Krista, and yep, that’s on my “next stretch” list too! I’m good with it at home now, I truly don’t care who’s at the door anymore. When my bro in law was living here, he attracted a lot of police attention as he moved through his challenges shall we say, haha that helped me a lot because I just stopped caring what they thought. Honestly, I have had only two people in four or five years now act in any kind of a negative way toward me; the more I “just do it”, pun intended, the… Read more »
Hey there fellow Albertan………Calgary/Airdrie/Medicine Hat here. Thank you for your story, I quite enjoyed your liberation to come and go as you please…..been doing that for years now. Good luck in life but don’t be too eager to throw open the door to Strangers so fast.
Look forward to more from you…….
Hugs
Dame Veronica
Hahaha Hey Veronica, Calgary for a few years, Airdrie, then Irricanna for a few years how about hahaha. Now days its actually Saskatchewan, south of Stoon; long story, I miss Alberta too lol The strangers generally don’t get invited in and I have one foot at the ready in case haha That’s why I stress safety in our expansion always. I do believe that to be seen as “normal” we first have to bee seen, and well, seen in a normal setting. Where I live I can do that, however, I agree with you totally dear, if you’re in a… Read more »
Hi Dame Veronica, I’m your fellow Albertan, up at the other corner of the province, the northwest corner that is (Grande Prairie). So I think Char is probably closer to you than I am.
Have a lovely week,
All the Best, Hugs, Krista
I had Alaskan Malamutes in Alberta…….knock on the door…….boom, boom, boom….herd of huge paws pounding the floor and the door. Usually it was the pizza guy or the chinese food driver. Chinese guy was terrified to come to my place…..hie…..crazy man rive with RIONS! Pizza guy loved them and they back at him! Bell rang one night, I was expecting pizzas and flung open the door and my “kids” flew out the door and nailed 2 Calgary Cops to the lawn while the rest gave them the “check em for pizza Dano” routine. Cops never came back and I was… Read more »
Great story Veronica, or should I say Dame Veronica. I love dogs; mine is a border collie/lab mix who loves attacking the front door. I get rid of a lot of door to door salesmen with her barking at them. And of course, she is really a marshmallow. Give her a treat and pet her and she is your pal for life.
Hugs, Krista
Hahaha now what’s not to love about that story? hahaha Awesome!! Thanks for sharing hehehe 🙂
huggles for ya Dear
Namaste’
Grande Prairie? A couple of my sons live up there Krista. Perhaps a visit may be in order this summer, I plan to take my amazing wife for a road trip and visit the lads hehe 🙂
Hi Char, yours is quite a common comment. There are a lot of people’s sons living in Grande Prairie. We’ve been the youngest city in Canada for a number of years (average age just over 30, something like 30.1) which is well below the national and provincial averages.
If you do decide to visit your lads in GP this summer, let me know. I’d be happy to take you for a coffee/tea.
Hugs, Krista
From my lil town to Grand Prairie is about 14 hours, doing the speed limit hehe Calagary’s bout 8 going by way of Drumheller and Edmonton is about 7 going through medicine hat hehe how’s that? 😉 hehehe
Hi Char, so if you drive thru Edmonton (actually around it, do NOT drive thru Edmonton – it is a traffic nightmare), GP is another 4.5 hours on a wonderful recently expanded to four- lane divided highway that is usually pretty light on traffic (it was horrific when it was two-lanes from Edm to GP). But from Hawarden, wouldn’t you drive thru North Battleford to get to Edmonton? I think that is the way I would go.
Oh, and I just read your Gift Exchange story. Amazing!!!!
take care,
Hugs, Krista
Thaaanks Krista, I love writing hehe n yup, Battlefords is the route I would take and lloyd minster hehe
I’m looking forward to seeing that new chunk of highway hehe
gotta run, its a work day over here today hehe
Huggles Babe
Namaste
Char
I was still thinking Lethbridge as a destination when i said the hat hahaha