Since a very young age I’ve crossdressed, continuing on and off over the years until it came to an abrupt end 10 years ago when I met a woman who became my wife. When our relationship had become very serious I decided to stop crossdressing. That seemed like a good idea at the time, but within a year or two that irrepressible urge overwhelmed me. Before I knew it I was back crossdressing more than ever before. The following story is about the events that led to the eventual coming out to my wife.

Early in our marriage I discovered that my wife was a big fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I was surprised and encouraged that she had many gay friends who shared this fandom with her. I saw this as a positive sign and decided to test the waters, as I’d started crossdressing again and began dropping some subtle hints. I told her how comfortable her panties and lingerie looked to wear so I could gauge her reaction. I didn’t get the reply I had hoped for! “That’s strange” or “what the hell?”.  A few days later I showed her some pictures of panties made for men for sale online. I said that I was considering buying some for myself and asked her opinion. “I would think you’re gay!” she replied. I’ve always groomed my genitals and added shaving my armpits and legs to my routine, she didn’t like that either. She hadn’t taken my hints seriously and was not seeing my point, so I decided it was best to keep crossdressing to myself.

Fast forward a couple of months. My wife was short on clean socks and asked to borrow some of mine – I said yes. Then it hit me! I had forgotten I hid two pairs of panties and a bra stuffed into some old dress socks I never wear. What were the odds she would find those particular socks? Guess what happened?

I was caught completely off guard when she confronted me. She jumped to the conclusion that I was being unfaithful and they belonged to someone else. It was time to come clean and admit that they were mine. I explained: I was experimenting and thought she would enjoy me wearing them considering she enjoys drag-queens. That her responses to the hints I dropped led me to give up on that approach. This appeased her and she said she wasn’t mad and relieved that I wasn’t cheating on her. The fire was under control and she was none the wiser to my crossdressing. We left it at that. I had thought I could be completely open and bring my desire to dress into our life. But, I chose not to – why?

This was, after all a very heart pounding event for me. I went on the defense and was cowardly, but acted out of self preservation and continued to keep my secret. I ruminated over and over again of what had transpired. I decided that for the now, I should keep crossdressing something for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to open up to her. I feared that if I did, it would change the dynamics of our relationship. I worried that I would not enjoy being in fem as much and judged if I were to dress openly. I feared I could not be the man that she wanted me to be if my secret was revealed. I feel that the society we exist in isn’t accepting yet. It doesn’t help I’ve read a few stories of people in similar situations with failing relationships once they are out.

Fast forward several weeks. After an amazing day of dressing up, my wife came home and killed my buzz. She confronted me about using her makeup. I didn’t do a good enough job of removing it all. She commented that my eyes looked darker and noticed her makeup was out of place. The second time almost being caught I bent the truth. I said I was feeling tired and had dropped the makeup while cleaning. This got me thinking that my crossdressing was getting out of hand, I needed support. I felt like I was loosing control and found myself consumed by the thoughts of coming out. I needed answers, some way to deal with what was happening. I started searching online and found CrossDresserHeaven.

Since that day, CDH has helped me in many ways. Helping me come to terms with who I am as a CD, encouraging me to go out fully dressed – three times, learning it’s okay to shop and try on female clothes. But most importantly, helping me muster the courage to come out to my wife.

Note. In case you were wondering what it was like coming out to my wife – It was hard and I didn’t exactly get the happy outcome I wanted. But in hindsight, it was what could be expected. With the exception of my costume for Halloween this year, she hasn’t seen me crossdressed. I continue to dress in private. She doesn’t want anything to do with it, although she says she accepts it’s part of who I am. We are both seeing therapists and couple’s therapy. It’s been a hell of a year! We both have our own issues to work though, but the therapy is helping and I remain optimistic. Even though our married life is stressed at times, we are still together and in love.

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Roan B

Hi, I'm a closet CD, recently returned to it after a long hiatus. I hope to find likeminded friends to help me navigate this journey.

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  1. MacKenzie Alexandra 1 month ago

    Roan,

    I do sympathize with your journey and its parallels with mine. I too tried to bury my crossdressing years ago. My attempt, however, was as a result of a bad emotional experience as a teenager. But like you, the feelings never subsided, though I was able to address by other means for almost 20 years. When I accepted that these feelings were part of who I was and that I didn’t want to go away, I knew that I would have to share them with my wife. We had been married for 9 years at that point Finding the courage or the nerve to share with my wife was a much different proposition that reaching the conclusion that I couldn’t and wouldn’t keep it a secret from her. Like you, I didn’t know how. I knew that having her catch me was not the way to go, but I didn’t know how to tell her.

    The stress caused by this crisis of conscience quickly became apparent to my wife who gently encourage me to share what was bothering me. (Coincidently, she had assumed that it was financial issues that was stressing me out.) Needless to say, I did disclose these feelings with my wife, and I was blessed with her general support. She was actually angry with me for keeping it a secret from her. We did spend that weekend discussing the issue in depth. I answered her questions and we both shared our feelings about it.

    That weekend was eighteen months ago. I would be lying if I said that everything returned to normal. It didn’t and my wife and I have had several more heart-to-heart conversations. We are still learning how this new dynamic fits into our relationship. I still enjoy and appreciate the loving support of my wife, but she does have her limits which I respect. Perhaps in the future, her limits will broaden, and perhaps they will not. Either way, I know that it is a journey that we will be making together.

    I wish you the best in your relationship with your wife. Know that we are here to support you. I urge to you to be patient and take each day as it comes.

    MacKenzie Alexandra

  2. Stephanie Rigoni 1 month ago

    Roan, thank you so much with your story. One thing is certain, we cannot expect to come out to our wives and expect nothing will change. Every relationship is different and every out will have a different ending. Some happy. Some sad. But none the same. As for me, I confessed about 14 years ago. We didn’t talk about it until about two years ago when she found one of my things. I think she thought I was cured. Of course I wasn’t cured (nor was I sick to begin with!) I promised to stop but didn’t and am preparing myself to tell her this is me. Your story encourages me. Thanks again. Hugs. Stephanie.

  3. Tricia Lynn Schmitt 1 month ago

    Roan,

    It seems that things are going mostly OK for you for now and that’s good to hear. You already know about my reluctance to come out to my wife, so I don’t need to elaborate about that any further for now.

    Thanks for writing this – it’s a mostly encouraging tale.

    Take care,
    Trish

  4. skippy1965(Cynthia) 1 month ago

    Roan,
    Your story, or variants of it, cold be the story of thousands of us here.Like many. I thought my need to dress would go away when I got married, so I did NOT tell my wife of these urges before we married. But of course, I was fooling myself. About a year into our marriage, my wife found the packaging for a Halloween style woman’s wig and confronted me. I admitted that it was mine and that I occasionally dressed completely as a woman. She did NOT take it well and almost left me that day but I persuaded her to stay with begging and cajoling and promising to quit.

    But we all know that quitting was no more a possibility than flying to the moon on a unicorn! The marriage lasted for another 12 years or so with me being caught in her things several times over the years. Finally,, in 2004, the year my dad passed away, she could no longer take it and decided to divorce me. Devastated as I was, I finally admitted to myself that there was no way I would ever stop, and that it was probably for the best that we part since she could not tolerate much less accept my need to express this part of me that I had been hiding for decades.

    After the initial acrimony, we remain friends-she IS the mother of my children after all,-but she likely doesn’t know the extent of my dressing now and that I’m still figuring out where my path will lead me. I told the kids about my dressing and even admitted to them the possibility that things might one day lead to transitioning though that is by no means a given. My daughter, especially, is NOT happy to consider that possibility though I remain hopeful that if that eventuality DOES come to pass that she will find it in her heart to accept me for who I am ..or will become!

    Anyway, thank you for sharing your story-I know many of the girls here will see themselves and know that there is hope that their relationship can not only survive but might even flourish even while dealing with this aspect of themselves. I wish you and yr the best and a long happy life together!
    Cyn

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