Since a very young age I’ve crossdressed, continuing on and off over the years until it came to an abrupt end 10 years ago when I met a woman who became my wife. When our relationship had become very serious I decided to stop crossdressing. That seemed like a good idea at the time, but within a year or two that irrepressible urge overwhelmed me. Before I knew it I was back crossdressing more than ever before. The following story is about the events that led to the eventual coming out to my wife.
Early in our marriage I discovered that my wife was a big fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I was surprised and encouraged that she had many gay friends who shared this fandom with her. I saw this as a positive sign and decided to test the waters, as I’d started crossdressing again and began dropping some subtle hints. I told her how comfortable her panties and lingerie looked to wear so I could gauge her reaction. I didn’t get the reply I had hoped for! “That’s strange” or “what the hell?”. A few days later I showed her some pictures of panties made for men for sale online. I said that I was considering buying some for myself and asked her opinion. “I would think you’re gay!” she replied. I’ve always groomed my genitals and added shaving my armpits and legs to my routine, she didn’t like that either. She hadn’t taken my hints seriously and was not seeing my point, so I decided it was best to keep crossdressing to myself.
Fast forward a couple of months. My wife was short on clean socks and asked to borrow some of mine – I said yes. Then it hit me! I had forgotten I hid two pairs of panties and a bra stuffed into some old dress socks I never wear. What were the odds she would find those particular socks? Guess what happened?
I was caught completely off guard when she confronted me. She jumped to the conclusion that I was being unfaithful and they belonged to someone else. It was time to come clean and admit that they were mine. I explained: I was experimenting and thought she would enjoy me wearing them considering she enjoys drag-queens. That her responses to the hints I dropped led me to give up on that approach. This appeased her and she said she wasn’t mad and relieved that I wasn’t cheating on her. The fire was under control and she was none the wiser to my crossdressing. We left it at that. I had thought I could be completely open and bring my desire to dress into our life. But, I chose not to – why?
This was, after all a very heart pounding event for me. I went on the defense and was cowardly, but acted out of self preservation and continued to keep my secret. I ruminated over and over again of what had transpired. I decided that for the now, I should keep crossdressing something for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to open up to her. I feared that if I did, it would change the dynamics of our relationship. I worried that I would not enjoy being in fem as much and judged if I were to dress openly. I feared I could not be the man that she wanted me to be if my secret was revealed. I feel that the society we exist in isn’t accepting yet. It doesn’t help I’ve read a few stories of people in similar situations with failing relationships once they are out.
Fast forward several weeks. After an amazing day of dressing up, my wife came home and killed my buzz. She confronted me about using her makeup. I didn’t do a good enough job of removing it all. She commented that my eyes looked darker and noticed her makeup was out of place. The second time almost being caught I bent the truth. I said I was feeling tired and had dropped the makeup while cleaning. This got me thinking that my crossdressing was getting out of hand, I needed support. I felt like I was loosing control and found myself consumed by the thoughts of coming out. I needed answers, some way to deal with what was happening. I started searching online and found CrossDresserHeaven.
Since that day, CDH has helped me in many ways. Helping me come to terms with who I am as a CD, encouraging me to go out fully dressed – three times, learning it’s okay to shop and try on female clothes. But most importantly, helping me muster the courage to come out to my wife.
Note. In case you were wondering what it was like coming out to my wife – It was hard and I didn’t exactly get the happy outcome I wanted. But in hindsight, it was what could be expected. With the exception of my costume for Halloween this year, she hasn’t seen me crossdressed. I continue to dress in private. She doesn’t want anything to do with it, although she says she accepts it’s part of who I am. We are both seeing therapists and couple’s therapy. It’s been a hell of a year! We both have our own issues to work though, but the therapy is helping and I remain optimistic. Even though our married life is stressed at times, we are still together and in love.