I know Halloween is over, but my saga isn’t! So please indulge me for a little while longer…

Despite my mental breakdown after the Lady Gaga adventure, my interest in crossdressing only got deeper and deeper over the following year. I began purchasing more and more of my own clothes, and even got up the courage to start bringing my girl stuff with me on my work trips so I could dress in the hotel without fear of discovery.

The previous Halloween, I had truly agonized over whether or not I should go “en femme,” but I ultimately decided that 5 years had been long enough and I could give it another go. Now it was just one year later, and my confidence had grown to a point where I decided, “The heck with it. I’m going for the girl again.” But…what I do this year? I didn’t really have any good ideas, but you know how some nights you lay in your bed, with your mind wandering all over the place, and the craziest ideas hit you out of the blue? One night, that’s exactly what happened! My wife had collected quite a few bridesmaids’ dresses over the years, and I kept thinking there must be something I can do with one of them. Maybe a beauty pageant contestant? Eh – that’s not very exciting. One of them was a deep red color, and the “light bulb” moment happened when I realized all I needed was a red, white, and blue shield, and instead of just being Miss America, I could be “Miss Captain America!” (Ok, in retrospect, that sounds pretty lame, but I thought I was being clever at the time!). So once again, I mustered up the courage to ask my wife if I could borrow something of hers for Halloween. She thought it was pretty dumb, but was basically like, “I don’t care. Do whatever you want.”

(Side note: Can you believe I used to be naive enough to think she hadn’t figured out that I liked dressing like a woman? I’m so dense!)

Previous Halloweens, the night of the party we would always send the kids away for a sleepover with the grandparents, so they never got a chance to see Dad in all his female glory. But this year, the boy was having a friend over, and our friend’s teen daughter was coming to watch our daughter. There was no way I was getting out of the house without the kids seeing my costume. In an attempt to get ahead of this, I took my son aside a few days before and warned him I would be dressing as a female character (keep in mind, he was an 8th grader at the time). He pretty much took it in stride, but he’s used to his dad being kind of a weirdo anyway. But I never got the chance to give my daughter advance warning.

Once again, the big night arrives and I set about the transformation process. After my bad reaction to Nair the previous year, I decided to go easy on the hair removal, only removing what was exposed on my arms and chest and leaving my legs alone because this was a floor length gown. And what kind of beauty queen would I be without fancy shoes? Conveniently, earlier in the year I found the cutest, strappy black heels with sequins! Of course, this was my first time the wife had seen them – “Where did you get those???” Um…where all good crossdressers buy their shoes – Payless (R.I.P)! I fashioned a blue sash with my “title” across it, added some costume jewelry, a tiara, and a mini Captain America shield and I was ready to go! As we were getting ready to leave, my daughter came running down the stairs, glanced at me, and proceeded to give my wife hug. Then, she slowly turned back my way, eyes widening in disbelief as it dawned on her that the woman standing in the living room was her father! She awkwardly hugged me goodbye – still speechless. As twisted as it seems, I took a small amount of pleasure in the fact that my own child just thought it was just some strange woman who must be going to the party with her parents. (And my son never came upstairs, so he missed seeing me…)

AlsChristmasWish-cdh

Nothing remarkable happened at the party. By this point, my friends are just rolling their eyes and giggling. It’s becoming a “thing” for me to show up in drag. The best comment I got was from another female friend, “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this – you look better than I do and I think I’m a little bit jealous!” Otherwise, I was just enjoying being out and dressed, the feel of nylon against my legs as I walked, catching glimpses of the superhero/beauty queen in the mirror. The next day was a busy one, and all the activity kept me from repeating last year’s meltdown. I was still slightly worried that my wife might freak out at me, and my fears we’re nearly confirmed a few nights later. As we were folding laundry, she put the nylons I had worn on my pile of clothes. I told her that actually those were hers, I had just borrowed them. Her response was a sharp, “Well I don’t want them!” But a moment later, possibly due to my shocked expression, she more gently said, “When was the last time I’ve worn nylons?” And that was definitely a valid point. So, I left them sitting on the bench at the foot of our bed for a few days, waiting to see if she would just throw them out. When it appeared she wasn’t going to do anything about it, I just folded them up and stuck them in my sock drawer. Tacit approval – maybe, however, I just wasn’t going to argue.

To borrow a phrase, a funny thing happened on the way to the forum: by the following spring, my interest in crossdressing had gradually faded away. I distinctly remember getting all dolled-up and taking a few pictures one May afternoon, and just getting nothing out of it. It just seemed rather pointless, I guess. By the end of the summer, I hadn’t had the urge to dress at all since that day. I thought to myself, “well, maybe you’ve done everything you set out to accomplish as far as femme goes, and the thrill is gone?” For the first time, I boxed up most of my clothes and dropped them off at Goodwill, not because I was purging due to a mental collapse, but because I felt like I wouldn’t need it anymore. Though in full disclosure, I kept the wig and both pairs of heels I had bought. You know…just in case!

I had a great, not female, Halloween costume planned for that year. I needed a fitted black turtleneck for it so I went to Goodwill and got one from the women’s section, figuring it would be less bulky. We all know how different the cut of women’s clothes feels on our bodies, and that was all it took. Wearing only that one item, and I was sucked back in. Several trips to Target and Ross later and watch out girls – I was back on the wagon and ready to head towards full femme again! Though it would be several more years before I dressed for Halloween again, I was entering an important transitional phase in my life as I decided to fully embrace my inner girl.

En Femme Discover Woman Within

In our final chapter coming up in my next article, we shall re-visit Halloween 2018, “The Talk”, and the birth of Alexis! So please stay tuned all of you CDH readers out there!

I’d love to hear any stories about suddenly losing the urge to cross dress. Has anyone here ever just felt like, “Well, that’s it. I guess I’m done?”

How many times have you purged and why?

And what eventually sucked you back in?

Thanks so much for reading my article girls and I look forward to hearing your responses to my questions and this article!

Sincerely, Alexis

 

 

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40-something, married crossdresser - just looking to share stories and make like-minded friends. I have been (mostly) closeted, except for a few Halloween adventures, my dressing has been private. I enjoy creating the most feminine image possible - that's where the rush comes from. I can't ever remember a time when I didn't want to dress like a woman, but as a kid I never imagined I'd be this deep into at my age! But, I think it keeps me young. Hell, better cute than bored!
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Becca Booty
Active Member
Becca Booty (@cdgurl)
11 months ago

I wore pantyhose from 14-18. That’s when I got a girlfriend and just stopped wearing hose. About 15 or so years ago I found a website where men crossedressed and posted their pictures. Well the urge to post a pic and see what comments I’d get was huge. That’s when I put on a pair of pantyhose for the first time in a long time. I still wear now but maybe only a few times a years. But lingerie is as far as I go. Oh I do have 1 pair of heels.

Emily Kann
Member
Emily Kann (@bestdressed)
11 months ago

The comment you made about the feel f nylon on your skin I can particularly identify with. There is something about the way non-men’s clothing fits, the materials, and overall experience that I find indescribably fascinating. It was nice to see someone else sees the world the same way I do. While I have never felt like giving up on crossdressing I have experienced any number of negative emotions about it. The worst are the feelings of alienation, shame, embarrassment, and disgust with regard to myself. While these feelings are temporary and fleeting that are powerful and need mention. I… Read more »

Jennifer Swanson
Duchess
Member
Jennifer Swanson (@jennifercd)
11 months ago
Reply to  Emily Kann

Dear Emily, what a wonderful response and one that also resonates with me. I used to feel guilty but now I am much more open. Hugs Jennifer

Natalia Danvers
Member
11 months ago

I am enjoying your Halloween adventures 🙂 Can’t wait for the next installment.

skippy1965 Cynthia
Ambassador
Trusted Member
skippy1965 Cynthia (@skippy1965)
11 months ago

Never purged myself though the opportunities to dress were often few and far between during my married years. My ex was neither accepting nor tolerant (I hadn’t told her about it cause I honestly if naively thought the need and desire would go away once I got married). But it wasn’t til after the divorce that Narnia (Cyns wardrobe ) began its explosive growth. I know now Cyn is here to stay -don’t know if it will ever be openly 24/7 but wouldn’t rule that out either. But purging will never happen for this girl!
Cyn

PS love the tiara!

Jennifer Swanson
Duchess
Member
Jennifer Swanson (@jennifercd)
11 months ago

Lovely Lexi, We all have such similar stories. I think all of us agree with everything that is shared. Even if we haven’t done it we can identify with it. Wouldn’t it be interesting if we combined aspects of all of our individual stories into a single story. I do love the way we support we each other. That is the greatest therapy. Hugs Jennifer

Brenda Scott
Active Member
Brenda Scott (@brendascott)
11 months ago

Even though in my case it’s not a secret I do go through periods of little to no desire to dress up to periods of great desire. For me it’s something that the next day my urge (if you will) does a 180. I have learned that during an up period if I hold out the urge only grows greater and is harder to satisfy. While I am free to dress up at anytime, my wife knew before we dated, I am mindful of her. I don’t want to ever be so consumed with my dressing up that she feels… Read more »

Christine V
Active Member
Christine V (@salty79)
10 months ago

Thats a good article, and you look beautiful!

Stephanie Kennedy
Princess
Active Member
Stephanie Kennedy (@qtestephy)
8 months ago

Hi Alexis. Thank you for sharing a story. It continues to facinate me how much so many of us have had the same feelings about our crossdtessing I always looked forward to Halloween each year. It was thst time when i could shop for a cute costume without feeling uncomfortable about expressing my self as a female.It just seemed that was the one day we were allowed to be that fantasy girl we had at that time. I loved shopping in thrift stores. I remember one Halloween My wife and i were invited to a party. We were out shopping… Read more »

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