I know Halloween is over, but my saga isn’t! So please indulge me for a little while longer…
Despite my mental breakdown after the Lady Gaga adventure, my interest in crossdressing only got deeper and deeper over the following year. I began purchasing more and more of my own clothes, and even got up the courage to start bringing my girl stuff with me on my work trips so I could dress in the hotel without fear of discovery.
The previous Halloween, I had truly agonized over whether or not I should go “en femme,” but I ultimately decided that 5 years had been long enough and I could give it another go. Now it was just one year later, and my confidence had grown to a point where I decided, “The heck with it. I’m going for the girl again.” But…what I do this year? I didn’t really have any good ideas, but you know how some nights you lay in your bed, with your mind wandering all over the place, and the craziest ideas hit you out of the blue? One night, that’s exactly what happened! My wife had collected quite a few bridesmaids’ dresses over the years, and I kept thinking there must be something I can do with one of them. Maybe a beauty pageant contestant? Eh – that’s not very exciting. One of them was a deep red color, and the “light bulb” moment happened when I realized all I needed was a red, white, and blue shield, and instead of just being Miss America, I could be “Miss Captain America!” (Ok, in retrospect, that sounds pretty lame, but I thought I was being clever at the time!). So once again, I mustered up the courage to ask my wife if I could borrow something of hers for Halloween. She thought it was pretty dumb, but was basically like, “I don’t care. Do whatever you want.”
(Side note: Can you believe I used to be naive enough to think she hadn’t figured out that I liked dressing like a woman? I’m so dense!)
Previous Halloweens, the night of the party we would always send the kids away for a sleepover with the grandparents, so they never got a chance to see Dad in all his female glory. But this year, the boy was having a friend over, and our friend’s teen daughter was coming to watch our daughter. There was no way I was getting out of the house without the kids seeing my costume. In an attempt to get ahead of this, I took my son aside a few days before and warned him I would be dressing as a female character (keep in mind, he was an 8th grader at the time). He pretty much took it in stride, but he’s used to his dad being kind of a weirdo anyway. But I never got the chance to give my daughter advance warning.
Once again, the big night arrives and I set about the transformation process. After my bad reaction to Nair the previous year, I decided to go easy on the hair removal, only removing what was exposed on my arms and chest and leaving my legs alone because this was a floor length gown. And what kind of beauty queen would I be without fancy shoes? Conveniently, earlier in the year I found the cutest, strappy black heels with sequins! Of course, this was my first time the wife had seen them – “Where did you get those???” Um…where all good crossdressers buy their shoes – Payless (R.I.P)! I fashioned a blue sash with my “title” across it, added some costume jewelry, a tiara, and a mini Captain America shield and I was ready to go! As we were getting ready to leave, my daughter came running down the stairs, glanced at me, and proceeded to give my wife hug. Then, she slowly turned back my way, eyes widening in disbelief as it dawned on her that the woman standing in the living room was her father! She awkwardly hugged me goodbye – still speechless. As twisted as it seems, I took a small amount of pleasure in the fact that my own child just thought it was just some strange woman who must be going to the party with her parents. (And my son never came upstairs, so he missed seeing me…)
Nothing remarkable happened at the party. By this point, my friends are just rolling their eyes and giggling. It’s becoming a “thing” for me to show up in drag. The best comment I got was from another female friend, “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this – you look better than I do and I think I’m a little bit jealous!” Otherwise, I was just enjoying being out and dressed, the feel of nylon against my legs as I walked, catching glimpses of the superhero/beauty queen in the mirror. The next day was a busy one, and all the activity kept me from repeating last year’s meltdown. I was still slightly worried that my wife might freak out at me, and my fears we’re nearly confirmed a few nights later. As we were folding laundry, she put the nylons I had worn on my pile of clothes. I told her that actually those were hers, I had just borrowed them. Her response was a sharp, “Well I don’t want them!” But a moment later, possibly due to my shocked expression, she more gently said, “When was the last time I’ve worn nylons?” And that was definitely a valid point. So, I left them sitting on the bench at the foot of our bed for a few days, waiting to see if she would just throw them out. When it appeared she wasn’t going to do anything about it, I just folded them up and stuck them in my sock drawer. Tacit approval – maybe, however, I just wasn’t going to argue.
To borrow a phrase, a funny thing happened on the way to the forum: by the following spring, my interest in crossdressing had gradually faded away. I distinctly remember getting all dolled-up and taking a few pictures one May afternoon, and just getting nothing out of it. It just seemed rather pointless, I guess. By the end of the summer, I hadn’t had the urge to dress at all since that day. I thought to myself, “well, maybe you’ve done everything you set out to accomplish as far as femme goes, and the thrill is gone?” For the first time, I boxed up most of my clothes and dropped them off at Goodwill, not because I was purging due to a mental collapse, but because I felt like I wouldn’t need it anymore. Though in full disclosure, I kept the wig and both pairs of heels I had bought. You know…just in case!
I had a great, not female, Halloween costume planned for that year. I needed a fitted black turtleneck for it so I went to Goodwill and got one from the women’s section, figuring it would be less bulky. We all know how different the cut of women’s clothes feels on our bodies, and that was all it took. Wearing only that one item, and I was sucked back in. Several trips to Target and Ross later and watch out girls – I was back on the wagon and ready to head towards full femme again! Though it would be several more years before I dressed for Halloween again, I was entering an important transitional phase in my life as I decided to fully embrace my inner girl.
In our final chapter coming up in my next article, we shall re-visit Halloween 2018, “The Talk”, and the birth of Alexis! So please stay tuned all of you CDH readers out there!
I’d love to hear any stories about suddenly losing the urge to cross dress. Has anyone here ever just felt like, “Well, that’s it. I guess I’m done?”
How many times have you purged and why?
And what eventually sucked you back in?
Thanks so much for reading my article girls and I look forward to hearing your responses to my questions and this article!