open letter

One thousand two hundred and eighty-eight miles separated us physically. Emotionally, it’s like we were in the same room. What is it that makes a friendship so special? Chemistry they call it? Fate? Karma? We understood each other so well. We laughed, we teased, we cried. We made plans we knew would never come to pass. We shared our lives; bared our very souls.

Every night I would log on knowing your message would be there waiting for me. Sometimes serious, sometimes silly, but always the words I needed to hear. Until that night. You sounded so despondent. The pressures of everyday life rained down…work, family, day to day responsibilities…so you said. But between the lines I felt the guilt, the worry, the frustration, the anger at not being able to be who you really are. I responded lightheartedly, hoping to get a laugh, maybe cheer you up just a little. I guess I may never know if you read it; the very next day your account was deleted. Just like that. You were gone. I just sat there and stared at the screen in disbelief. This can’t be. She can’t leave me like this. What did I say? What did I do? There must be a mistake. Technical glitch. Something. Account deleted? What the hell does that mean? You told me you had purged before and I assumed you decided it was time again. You purged your clothes. You purged your truth, half your being. You tried to purge a part of you that will never just go away. You purged your friends. You purged me.

I try so hard to understand how the forces that guide us here and bring us together can just as quickly drive us away. Its almost as if we have no control. I have to tell myself this was not your doing.

We did not choose to be who we are. Who in their right mind would choose such a life? As Candy slowly reveals herself to the world, maybe I can at least find token acceptance…you know the kind…(“Oh sure I have a crossdressing friend. I keep her right there on the shelf between my gay friend and my black friend, ’cause I’m so liberal”). Else we endure the hatred of those terrified of their own feelings. Maybe I will find another friend like you to make it all worthwhile. Maybe not.

Your messages still linger in my inbox from you, my dear deleted. They will soon disappear and the memories will slowly fade and life will go on. There will be other friends but never anyone quite like you.  The cycle repeats over and over. For this is the life we lead. One of guilt and shame, fear and loneliness. I can’t help but harbor ill will at the cruel world that so ruthlessly tore us apart.

As I push back the tears I write you this one last message. I am eternally grateful for what we had. I can only wish you all the best in life. May all the dreams we shared and plans we made become your reality. As for me, well I’ll push on, for you have shown me a very pleasant stop on this otherwise lonely, grueling journey I call life.

All my love,

Candy

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Candy

Candy is a native of San Antonio Texas. She describes herself as a "Normal everyday secret crossdresser " After experimenting sporadicly over the years she now at age 58 has taken to embracing the lifestyle on a tegular basis. She plans on stepping out " When I'm damn well good and ready"

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44 Comments
  1. Brit Cooper 3 weeks ago

    Sorry for your lost of friendship Candy.

    Kisses,
    Brit

  2. Deety (D.T.) 3 weeks ago

    Really well said. I just hope that those who choose to leave do at least leave behind a few words of comfort for those left. This is a difficult enough place to be without adding desertion.

    I know many leave because of guilt and remorse and for those I feel sympathy; but there are others who enjoy playing their little games and I do hope they never have the dad experience of being deserted.

  3. Sara Marie Franklin 3 weeks ago

    Candy,
    So well written I cried. Very sorry you lost a friend I know that feeling oh so well and wish it could go away. Remember there are others out there we love you and are here for you.
    Thank you so much for writing this.

  4. Terri Anne 3 weeks ago

    Candy, a very well wrtten piece. Your story touched my heart. May your journey be enriched in some way.
    – Terri Anne

  5. Author
    Candy 3 weeks ago

    Thank you all for those kind words. I think many of us are (at least I know I am) in such desparate need of heartfelt approval and validation we cling too tightly to the few that offer it. Am I setting my self up for a fall? Of course I am. Does it hurt? Hell yes! But eventually the pain leads to a better understanding of our being. There are joys and there are tragities on any path we take so why not take the path that’s right for me. I can’t, no, I won’t, live my life on the defensive. Not any more.
    C

  6. Sue Rowe 3 weeks ago

    That was so sad and emotional bless you x

  7. Jesse Nicole(Smokey) 3 weeks ago

    This is one of the most heartfelt articles I have ever read on the site. How many times has this happened to other members too ? Thanks for sharing, it has really stirred some thoughts in my own self.
    Jesse

  8. Bianca Everdene 3 weeks ago

    Feeling the anguish in your words Candy.
    Heartfelt sympathy.
    I left this site for a while due to issues I don’t want to burden you with, but returned as the understanding and friendship of like minded people on this site helped me more than I knew. So don’t give up hope , perhaps your friend will return.
    Love
    Bianca

  9. Rachel K (usa) 3 weeks ago

    Candy
    OMG !
    I read this and thought of my self, I feel for you.
    In late 2017 I deleted my account, I did how ever come back and say good bye to all my friends
    as a guest.
    December and January are the worst for me , missing people in my life.
    Out side these 4 walls there is nobody for me. to understand me and be a friend to Rachel
    After 2 weeks i finally realized that i need a family , people who do understand and want to be there. All of us lead lonely life’s at times , but please remember .. we are here… we are family !
    We may never see a real face but , sharing hopes and dreams helps alot
    Rachel is my balance in life,,, she is some one who needs to be here and support me.
    We are your friends and here for you, always remember that!
    Rachel K

  10. Xeri (Shortstop) 3 weeks ago

    It was touching, Candy. It really sucks to build a rapport with someone you come to care deeply about, only to find out she is not there any longer. I wish and all the rest all the best as we struggle to find and be our selves and among our selves.

  11. Charlene Victoria 3 weeks ago

    Candy. Hugs.
    I am so very sorry to hear of your pain of heart. I have experienced it previously. Not here, but on another site. Oh, it hurts so much.
    And then your transparency had me face the truth. I have left others the same way have I not? I’ve only recently come back to CDH. In 2016 I just stop showing up here. No explanation, no good byes.
    I just stop coming. Guilt for being here was crushing me. I succumbed and left.
    “No one will ever miss me,” I reasoned. “It’s only internet; so impersonal.”
    BUT IT ISN’T, IS IT. I know it isn’t. Your hurt Candy, has been mine, but guilt and shame can make us so blind and self-centered can they not? That is understandable but understanding doesn’t make it any less painful.
    You are so right. Very few places allow us to be so honest about our total selves while extending no judgement and offering loving acceptance. However CDH is one if those places. And we who belong to this community need to guard it as precious.
    This is probably a small consolation but thank you for sharing your pained heart so openly. In sharing your pain you have taught me a lesson which I trust will help me grow into a more caring woman; because though it be but an internet relationship, behind that anonymity are real sisters that know real pain which will bring real tears to them and surely impact the lives of those they love in their offline lives.
    Thank you Candy for sharing. You have taught me well. Warm Hugs.

  12. Roan B 3 weeks ago

    Thanks for taking the time to write and share this article. It was well written, heart felt, and rings true for so many of us, I’m sure. I wish you all the best.

  13. Terri 3 weeks ago

    I started going out in 1978. Over the years I met probably 100’s of girls. I belonged to a few organizations and very often girls that had come to meetings and events suddenly stopped coming. This was before the internet. I myself stopped dressing for almost 4 years. I just stopped because I was so afraid of losing my family. I then almost did something terrible. Thankfully I didn’t and I realized that this part of me wasn’t going away.
    Terri

  14. Sandy Dupont 3 weeks ago

    Thank you Candy. I do so feel for you and thank you for being so open and honest. Also, I am glad that you have found a way to move on, a stronger person. I had a similar experience on another site so your article meant a lot to me. In my case, after the pain and the numbness came that greater understanding of myself, but also, looking back, an acceptance that despite the pain of the break, that the relationship that we had was magical and I will never regret the experience, even if it did hurt like hell for a while. You certainly have my heartfelt approval for a beautifully written piece and one that touched me. Thank you xx

  15. Arianwen Day 3 weeks ago

    Thank you Candy. This so beautifully portrays the sadness of loss and the difficulties we face. I so appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable.

    Hugs. Rian x

  16. Gisela Claudine 3 weeks ago

    Oh Candy, What can I say? You’ve touched my heart with your beautiful article. You woke up my nostalgia. I’ve been through this a few times. You have forcen me to think about it. Sorry you have lost a close friend. But who knows. Maybe you’ve come out winning. Obviously you won’t see it that way right now. The wound is fresh. All of us need friends. We need someone to understand us, someone who support us. Maybe I’m talking to myself, but I tell you something. I feel so much more sorry for your deleted friend. After reading your heartfelt letter, I can tell that he had lost a lot more than you. It’s undeniable. You will come out of this experience with renewed vigor. You are strong and your sisters are here to comfort you.
    Gisela

  17. Gisela Claudine 3 weeks ago

    Friendship is sharing good times and bad times, happiness and sadness, the timely presence.

  18. Rhonda Roe 3 weeks ago

    Very sad and touching article Candy. I have made some very Dear friends here and would be so saddened to wake up one morning I find they had left without a word. Be strong and know you have many friends here.

    Hugs
    Rhonda

  19. Samantha Sang 3 weeks ago

    That’s sad, heart wrenching.  Moved to tears over here.  I’m so sorry Candy.
    Relationships are a strange bird, bonding and depending on one another, yet ultimately most people do whatever suits them. 
    It’s a plutonic thing we’re into, full of obsessions & compulsions, guilt & disgust, people who suddenly disappear and sometimes reappear just as suddenly, and the potential for deep transformation & growth for those willing to accept.  But life can be painful and terrifying along the way.
    Well.  I sure do wish you the best, Candy.  Thanks for the deep heartfelt story. I feel for you hon.

  20. amanda dorking 3 weeks ago

    Candy it is so sad that you have to lose a friend in that way, I am crying with you

  21. Hélène Étrange 3 weeks ago

    I was about to do the same thing today (leaving the CDH site for good with brief goodbyes) but I have changed my mind.

    • Ashleigh 3 weeks ago

      Perhaps this is the very reason why Candy was prompted to share this article, to give hope to just one person. We’ve never met, or even messaged each other, but I am truly glad you decided to stay!

      • Hélène Étrange 3 weeks ago

        I don’t know what happened to Candy’s friend.

        I wanted to run away because I realized that I’ve blundered, screwed up, bitched up etc.

        I won’t go into details here but in brief: out of curiosity, I started to take some things forward – but eventually I wasn’t willing to go further with such things.

        The end results were disappointments and frustrations with the other parties and me being ashamed of the whole mess.

        If I had thought twice before all started, nothing of it would have ever happened.

  22. Kaylee Valentine 3 weeks ago

    I left because I feel like I’d hurt my family if I transitioned, but that’s behind me now because I need to live life for myself, otherwise I’ll never be happy.

    I purged, deleted, and got my clothes back, and some of my friends back, but I didn’t mean to hurt anybody when I left, I just needed a break and I was undergoing a lot of pressure from my friends and family to desert dressing. It’s more than dressing to me.

  23. Helena Diaz 3 weeks ago

    Oh, this resonates with me fierce.

    I too lost a dear friend on CDH, and I blame myself as I was not on as frequent as I should have been. I think about her still and hope she finds the peace she needs. I feel so guilty about it. Hope one day that KJO returns and we can pick up where we left off. I miss her.

  24. Melinda Abbott 3 weeks ago

    I experienced the same a bit. When that happens it is very hurtful and thoughtless of the other person.
    Many play games and don’t realize despite it being the internet there are real people on the other side of the chat with real feelings. I empathize with you Candy and hope the sadness goes away soon.

  25. Michelle 3 weeks ago

    That happened to me on here. I was stunned and worried about what happened. Was my friend sick or had died or had she turned a page and given up on being her. I was disappointed that I no longer had this wonderful source of conversation and friendship any more. I hope she is okay and thriving. I sympathize with you Candy and hope that tear in you heart will heal.

  26. skippy1965(Cynthia) 3 weeks ago

    CAndy,
    Your anguish is palpable in the words you wrote. As someone who has been a member since we only had about 100-150 members back in August 2015,, I have met thousands since then, and have a few hundred close folks on here and have experienced similar losses over the last three years. I CAN tell you (as have others above) that sometimes you get lucky and a long-missing friend ( like Rachel -above- 🙂 )resurfaces-and the joy that brings is as incredible as the pain at the previous loss was.

    We share a difficult burden of a life that many don’t understand or even tolerate. Take solace in the fact that you may never know how many you have touched with your grace and support and even the simplest thing like a smile and a Hello in chat! Keep your friend close in your heart and cherish the time you had, but don’t let that loss keep you from reaching out to others-who may be the friend who will be with you for a lifetime. I have girls on here who I will be in touch with until I or they are no longer alive.

    THIS is what makes the site special and why Vanessa re-activated and reinvigorated the site in 2015. It is you and members like you that will help the world move toward accepting us.
    Luv,
    Cyn

  27. Ashleigh 3 weeks ago

    Truly a message from the heart. Written out of grief, yet at the same time, comforting and encouraging. You may never know why she deleted her account, but a true friend is a forever friend. And with people like us, we need all the friends we can get.

  28. Author
    Candy 3 weeks ago

    No question our lives are more complicated than most, living two different lives (and lots of lies) and trying to find a balance between them. It’s inevitable that at some point it becomes too much to bear and somethings has to give. It’s often a matter of self preservation. I certainly don’t fault anyone for leaving nor would I want to coerce them into staying if they don’t want to. It’s their life and their decision. If you leave you will be missed and those close to you will be saddened but you gotta do what you gotta do. Rest assured with the knowlege that we are all now better human beings having known you and we are grateful for that.
    Wouldn’t it be great if the site had a “leave of absence” feature? All your personal data would be saved just not visible. In place of your profile a personalized on vacation message would appear. That could save a lot of stress and worry on all fronts and make coming back so much easier. Something for the tech gurus to think about.

  29. Gisela Claudine 3 weeks ago

    I wouldn’t know if the illusion was better than reality. Sometimes I live in a world of dreams paarallel to the real. I ain’t aware all the time where I am. It’s hard to lose friends, even new friends. Now I know it’s part of the journey, part of individual growth. Two of my few friends had left CDH without saying goodbye in these days. I should understand them, I guess. But I would have preferred to be sent for walk to silent absence. But my path has to continue and here I am surrounded by love. We will survive. We have to.

  30. Candy….my condolences to you sweety. Candy we are but ships at sea on our life on earth. Very few have the luxury of sailing together for a long period of time. We meet up with a friend at sea, we sail awhile with our friend and then we sail on perchance to meet another. Lovers and friendships are so fleeting in life. Enjoy and remeniss over what you had and look for others…..there are so many Sisters out there….you will meet others.

    Love to you…….Lady Veronica

  31. Patsy Jennusaith 2 weeks ago

    A few weeks ago someone in the forums publicly announced that they were leaving crossdresser heaven for good. Maybe it was them.

    • Mikki 2 weeks ago

      I loved your relationship with your deleted. I wish I could have a friend just like that. My name is Mikki. Having trouble getting logged in so I’m communicating where I can without logging in. I am new so maybe I’m just laptop stupid. Hope we get to talk soon. Thanks for the read. Mikki

  32. Evelyn Freeman 2 weeks ago

    Hi Candy,
    I am not the person in your story, but I found your post on pinterest and it made me realize that when I deleted my profile here it was a type of purge. I made a promise to myself that I would never again purge my femme cloths. Whenever I get the desire to throw away my female side and try to forget Evelyn, I pack all my femme clothing into a duffel bag or storage boxes and place them in the attic. I know that in a few months I want to get them down and wear them again. It never occurred to me that deleting my profile on crossdressing heaven was the same as throwing away clothing. I was a member of CDH a while ago and went through a difficult time in my marital relation. I did not have many friends on CDH back then, but I now realize that just deleting my profile was a stupid thing to do. I should have asked for advice or at least vented some frustration with the friends I had. I have rejoined CDH and promise I will not just delete without explaining the problem.
    Thank you for posting your story
    Evelyn

  33. Patty Michelle 2 weeks ago

    Hugszzzz <3

  34. Lucinda Hawkns 2 weeks ago

    yes in deed well written. sorry for your lose of a friend. we need friends to talk to and they know we are x dressers and need them to talk to and be open and let it all out. i could not delete my profile here on C.D.H. i have come to terms with my x dressing because of C.D.H and all my friends i have and do keep in touch one way or another. have to Thank C.D.H president for helping me be more open with my dressing up and be more happy. have to thank all my friends also. mikki you are not lap stop stupid its knowing how to get to know how to use this new aged stuff. took me awhile to understand computers, lap tops and tablets, cell phones. love all the posts people posted. i have a good friend here on C.D.H Missie is her name and we keep in touch allot, i try to keep in touch with others at times to say hello and how are things. we all need that in our lives, as we are x dressers and need other x dresser friends to chat with. cant talk to wife she dont want to hear it or have me sit in same room and talk like 2 females and get to know my fem side. but she lets me dress up. here at C.D.H i can sit in my room and chat with others and be happy

  35. PaulaPlaytex 2 weeks ago

    JUST WEAR YOUR BRA and PANTIES…YOU WILL FEEL BETTER !!! WEARING LINGERIE ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER !!!

  36. SteffieC 2 weeks ago

    Beautifully written, Candy. Wish I was still in San Antonio to get together

    • Author
      Candy 2 weeks ago

      Oh me too, Steffie. I’ve made a few crossdressing friends here and I’m hoping to see our little community grow and flourish. But my lesson learned here is that true friendships have little to do with distance or physical presence, which was really kind of a new concept for me. I always thought the “pen pal” thing was overrated. Then I woke up one day and realized that my best friend, whom I had never seen (and probably never would see) in person was over a thousand miles away. This site never ceases to amaze me. Keep in touch…
      Candy

  37. Michelle Morrison 1 week ago

    Candy

    I very much enjoyed reading your open letter. It was very touching and moving. It’s actaully a something that we all live with everyday and I am so sorry that you experienced such a loss of friendship. Thanks for sharing that with us. Hang in there, she may come back some day…….

  38. Peta 12 hours ago

    Oh Candy what can I say ,I you must have felt terrible when it happened to you .I tried to put myself in your shoes and would have got very upset . I would like to meet others on here and to find a friend to talk to someone who is always there and thinks the same as you do .There are certinally a lot of friends on here who seem like lovely people . I will be thinking of you for some time Candy.

  39. Ariella V. Vaquero 10 hours ago

    Wow. Just joined. This moved me so much. I just met the girlfriend of a lifetime. The Trans Lady who loved me as me. Soon after she left (she lives in South America), I had a serious breakdown. I have not contacted her in several months. She must be feeling this way, as we chatted or emailed every day until I “went dark”. I am going to email her tonight and send her this article. I have never met a more understanding or supportive person in my life. It was almost too much for me.

    Thank you,

    Ariella

  40. Tissy 2 hours ago

    Great post Candy, sorry it was so traumatic for you…Losing close friends is always rough. Hugs, sweetie.

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