One thousand two hundred and eighty-eight miles separated us physically. Emotionally, it’s like we were in the same room. What is it that makes a friendship so special? Chemistry they call it? Fate? Karma? We understood each other so well. We laughed, we teased, we cried. We made plans we knew would never come to pass. We shared our lives; bared our very souls.

Every night I would log on knowing your message would be there waiting for me. Sometimes serious, sometimes silly, but always the words I needed to hear. Until that night. You sounded so despondent. The pressures of everyday life rained down…work, family, day to day responsibilities…so you said. But between the lines I felt the guilt, the worry, the frustration, the anger at not being able to be who you really are. I responded lightheartedly, hoping to get a laugh, maybe cheer you up just a little. I guess I may never know if you read it; the very next day your account was deleted. Just like that. You were gone. I just sat there and stared at the screen in disbelief. This can’t be. She can’t leave me like this. What did I say? What did I do? There must be a mistake. Technical glitch. Something. Account deleted? What the hell does that mean? You told me you had purged before and I assumed you decided it was time again. You purged your clothes. You purged your truth, half your being. You tried to purge a part of you that will never just go away. You purged your friends. You purged me.

I try so hard to understand how the forces that guide us here and bring us together can just as quickly drive us away. Its almost as if we have no control. I have to tell myself this was not your doing.

Unleash Your Inner Woman

We did not choose to be who we are. Who in their right mind would choose such a life? As Candy slowly reveals herself to the world, maybe I can at least find token acceptance…you know the kind…(“Oh sure I have a crossdressing friend. I keep her right there on the shelf between my gay friend and my black friend, ’cause I’m so liberal”). Else we endure the hatred of those terrified of their own feelings. Maybe I will find another friend like you to make it all worthwhile. Maybe not.

Your messages still linger in my inbox from you, my dear deleted. They will soon disappear and the memories will slowly fade and life will go on. There will be other friends but never anyone quite like you.  The cycle repeats over and over. For this is the life we lead. One of guilt and shame, fear and loneliness. I can’t help but harbor ill will at the cruel world that so ruthlessly tore us apart.

As I push back the tears I write you this one last message. I am eternally grateful for what we had. I can only wish you all the best in life. May all the dreams we shared and plans we made become your reality. As for me, well I’ll push on, for you have shown me a very pleasant stop on this otherwise lonely, grueling journey I call life.

All my love,

Candy

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Candy

Candy is a native of San Antonio. Texas. She describes herself as a "Normal everyday secret crossdresser " After experimenting sporadicly over the years she now at age 59 has taken to embracing the lifestyle on a regular basis. Little by little Candy reveals more of herself to the world. She figures at this rate she'll be fully out "by the time I'm 135".

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53 Comments
  1. Dee Writer 2 years ago

    Wow. You got the waterworks from this girl. It’s the loneliness, right? It eats the soul.

  2. Jody Roy 2 years ago

    Tears flowed as I read this. I have experienced this same situation, meeting someone who understood me so completely, only to have them torn away with zero warning. The life I live, as a crossdresser, is the loneliest existence I can possibly imagine. When you connect with someone so completely, even on a platonic level, losing them without warning is like losing a piece of yourself. The loneliness, both on the personal and intimate levels, can tear at your heart, your soul, your entire being. Even the slightest resonance with another person is enough to give one hope. A deeper connection makes one feel like they can survive the trials laid before them. My heart goes out to all those who have felt this loss.

  3. Lesa Madison 1 year ago

    Heartbreaking to read. The CD life is definltely a lonely one. I am lucky enough to have a lady in my life who is supportive and loves my crossdressing and who will not leave my side. It gives us so much that we can do together in our journey forward as a couple. She might not be a Crossdresser, but she understands about my CDing and helps me make Lesa better every day. After reading this post from you, I stopped and thought how it would feel if i lost my lady and it makes me thankful that she is still here.

  4. Joan sheridan 1 year ago

    it really is a lonely life girl’s I do look forward to messages off the friends I have made on this.. the site is great.. but as candy says it’s lonely and shame and all gets to some ladies and the purge happens.. I’m always here to chat to any of yous because yous helped me the girls of this site helped me come out to my fiance and I’m blessed she understands and accepts it with in her limits.. so anyone ever feeling lonely I’m only a message away.. hugs Joan x

  5. Live Life 1 year ago

    Your story was so touching – it is extremely lonely living this lifestyle but would be miserable if I didn’t have my girl time or being able to secretly express my feminine side. That is why I am so happy to have found this site. Would love to meet someone I could connect like that with, but totally scared of it ending like that. Having loved and lost or having never loved – not sure which is worse?

    • Author
      Candy 1 year ago

      I think your name is the answer to your question…Live Life. To me that means never passing up an opportunity. Every relationship is a learning experience. The only way we can understand ourselves is through others. The sadness we feel from loss is only temporary. The knowledge and understanding we gain lasts a lifetime.

  6. Gillian Blackwood 10 months ago

    Wow. I felt that article. Years ago, there was a woman on Flickr who I just fell in love with. I didn’t know her, I never tried to interact with her. But, oh, I so desperately wanted her and I to be friends. Going all the way to the beginning of her stream, you could track her progression from just starting out to passing so completely that I not only wanted to know her, I wanted to *be* her. I was at once heartbroken and delighted at how marvelously beautiful she became – heartbroken because I know I will never be as beautiful as her, delighted that she was able to let her true radiance shine!
    Then one day her account was gone. Her comments were increasingly showing signs of depression, her marriage was not doing well (like so many of us here, her wife was less than accepting.) I was literally sick with worry that someone whom I was so attached to, so awed by, might have possibly done something terrible? Unthinkable?
    I did some searching and digging, and found I wasn’t alone in my concerns for this woman – she had a sizable Flickr following – and learned that my fears were misplaced; yes, she had deleted her account, and her marriage was over, but it was because she was transitioning, becoming the person she was meant to be, and was leaving as much of her old life behind and starting fresh.
    I was thrilled for her (still am!) Occasionally, I see some of her old Flickr pics pop up online in various places, and each time I do, I think, “there’s the girl who made it!” and I’m reminded that occasionally, dreams *can* come true.

  7. Lanna Barton 10 months ago

    I feel your pain. It has happened to me as well.
    Lanna

  8. Hi Candy…..lovely letter and I feel your pain. Sweety…..we are all ships on the ocean of life. Every now and then we may share the same port for a bit, then be on our way. Sometimes we can sail together for a bit or for a long voyage. But, the time comes when we sail off to distant ports to maybe meet again for a joyous re-union or we may never run into each other again.

    This is called life. Remember those meetings fondly and as I say……I never say good bye…because it is a small world…..sometime, someplace we will meet again…..maybe down in mexico or at Fat Sams Bar in the Phillipines or Mama Sans Imperial Palace of Oriental Delights in Saigon., We are always together in Spirit and heart.

    Hugs…..Dame Veronica

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