One thousand two hundred and eighty-eight miles separated us physically. Emotionally, it’s like we were in the same room. What is it that makes a friendship so special? Chemistry they call it? Fate? Karma? We understood each other so well. We laughed, we teased, we cried. We made plans we knew would never come to pass. We shared our lives; bared our very souls.
Every night I would log on knowing your message would be there waiting for me. Sometimes serious, sometimes silly, but always the words I needed to hear. Until that night. You sounded so despondent. The pressures of everyday life rained down…work, family, day to day responsibilities…so you said. But between the lines I felt the guilt, the worry, the frustration, the anger at not being able to be who you really are. I responded lightheartedly, hoping to get a laugh, maybe cheer you up just a little. I guess I may never know if you read it; the very next day your account was deleted. Just like that. You were gone. I just sat there and stared at the screen in disbelief. This can’t be. She can’t leave me like this. What did I say? What did I do? There must be a mistake. Technical glitch. Something. Account deleted? What the hell does that mean? You told me you had purged before and I assumed you decided it was time again. You purged your clothes. You purged your truth, half your being. You tried to purge a part of you that will never just go away. You purged your friends. You purged me.
I try so hard to understand how the forces that guide us here and bring us together can just as quickly drive us away. Its almost as if we have no control. I have to tell myself this was not your doing.
We did not choose to be who we are. Who in their right mind would choose such a life? As Candy slowly reveals herself to the world, maybe I can at least find token acceptance…you know the kind…(“Oh sure I have a crossdressing friend. I keep her right there on the shelf between my gay friend and my black friend, ’cause I’m so liberal”). Else we endure the hatred of those terrified of their own feelings. Maybe I will find another friend like you to make it all worthwhile. Maybe not.
Your messages still linger in my inbox from you, my dear deleted. They will soon disappear and the memories will slowly fade and life will go on. There will be other friends but never anyone quite like you. The cycle repeats over and over. For this is the life we lead. One of guilt and shame, fear and loneliness. I can’t help but harbor ill will at the cruel world that so ruthlessly tore us apart.
As I push back the tears I write you this one last message. I am eternally grateful for what we had. I can only wish you all the best in life. May all the dreams we shared and plans we made become your reality. As for me, well I’ll push on, for you have shown me a very pleasant stop on this otherwise lonely, grueling journey I call life.
All my love,
Candy
Candy. Hugs. I am so very sorry to hear of your pain of heart. I have experienced it previously. Not here, but on another site. Oh, it hurts so much. And then your transparency had me face the truth. I have left others the same way have I not? I’ve only recently come back to CDH. In 2016 I just stop showing up here. No explanation, no good byes. I just stop coming. Guilt for being here was crushing me. I succumbed and left. “No one will ever miss me," I reasoned. “It’s only internet; so impersonal." BUT IT ISN’T,… Read more »
Thanks for taking the time to write and share this article. It was well written, heart felt, and rings true for so many of us, I’m sure. I wish you all the best.
I started going out in 1978. Over the years I met probably 100’s of girls. I belonged to a few organizations and very often girls that had come to meetings and events suddenly stopped coming. This was before the internet. I myself stopped dressing for almost 4 years. I just stopped because I was so afraid of losing my family. I then almost did something terrible. Thankfully I didn’t and I realized that this part of me wasn’t going away.
Terri
Thank you Candy. I do so feel for you and thank you for being so open and honest. Also, I am glad that you have found a way to move on, a stronger person. I had a similar experience on another site so your article meant a lot to me. In my case, after the pain and the numbness came that greater understanding of myself, but also, looking back, an acceptance that despite the pain of the break, that the relationship that we had was magical and I will never regret the experience, even if it did hurt like hell… Read more »
Thank you Candy. This so beautifully portrays the sadness of loss and the difficulties we face. I so appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable.
Hugs. Rian x
Oh Candy, What can I say? You’ve touched my heart with your beautiful article. You woke up my nostalgia. I’ve been through this a few times. You have forcen me to think about it. Sorry you have lost a close friend. But who knows. Maybe you’ve come out winning. Obviously you won’t see it that way right now. The wound is fresh. All of us need friends. We need someone to understand us, someone who support us. Maybe I’m talking to myself, but I tell you something. I feel so much more sorry for your deleted friend. After reading your… Read more »
Friendship is sharing good times and bad times, happiness and sadness, the timely presence.
Very sad and touching article Candy. I have made some very Dear friends here and would be so saddened to wake up one morning I find they had left without a word. Be strong and know you have many friends here.
Hugs
Rhonda
That’s sad, heart wrenching. Moved to tears over here. I’m so sorry Candy.
Relationships are a strange bird, bonding and depending on one another, yet ultimately most people do whatever suits them.
It’s a plutonic thing we’re into, full of obsessions & compulsions, guilt & disgust, people who suddenly disappear and sometimes reappear just as suddenly, and the potential for deep transformation & growth for those willing to accept. But life can be painful and terrifying along the way.
Well. I sure do wish you the best, Candy. Thanks for the deep heartfelt story. I feel for you hon.
Candy it is so sad that you have to lose a friend in that way, I am crying with you