One thousand two hundred and eighty-eight miles separated us physically. Emotionally, it’s like we were in the same room. What is it that makes a friendship so special? Chemistry they call it? Fate? Karma? We understood each other so well. We laughed, we teased, we cried. We made plans we knew would never come to pass. We shared our lives; bared our very souls.
Every night I would log on knowing your message would be there waiting for me. Sometimes serious, sometimes silly, but always the words I needed to hear. Until that night. You sounded so despondent. The pressures of everyday life rained down…work, family, day to day responsibilities…so you said. But between the lines I felt the guilt, the worry, the frustration, the anger at not being able to be who you really are. I responded lightheartedly, hoping to get a laugh, maybe cheer you up just a little. I guess I may never know if you read it; the very next day your account was deleted. Just like that. You were gone. I just sat there and stared at the screen in disbelief. This can’t be. She can’t leave me like this. What did I say? What did I do? There must be a mistake. Technical glitch. Something. Account deleted? What the hell does that mean? You told me you had purged before and I assumed you decided it was time again. You purged your clothes. You purged your truth, half your being. You tried to purge a part of you that will never just go away. You purged your friends. You purged me.
I try so hard to understand how the forces that guide us here and bring us together can just as quickly drive us away. Its almost as if we have no control. I have to tell myself this was not your doing.
We did not choose to be who we are. Who in their right mind would choose such a life? As Candy slowly reveals herself to the world, maybe I can at least find token acceptance…you know the kind…(“Oh sure I have a crossdressing friend. I keep her right there on the shelf between my gay friend and my black friend, ’cause I’m so liberal”). Else we endure the hatred of those terrified of their own feelings. Maybe I will find another friend like you to make it all worthwhile. Maybe not.
Your messages still linger in my inbox from you, my dear deleted. They will soon disappear and the memories will slowly fade and life will go on. There will be other friends but never anyone quite like you. The cycle repeats over and over. For this is the life we lead. One of guilt and shame, fear and loneliness. I can’t help but harbor ill will at the cruel world that so ruthlessly tore us apart.
As I push back the tears I write you this one last message. I am eternally grateful for what we had. I can only wish you all the best in life. May all the dreams we shared and plans we made become your reality. As for me, well I’ll push on, for you have shown me a very pleasant stop on this otherwise lonely, grueling journey I call life.
All my love,
Candy
I was about to do the same thing today (leaving the CDH site for good with brief goodbyes) but I have changed my mind.
Perhaps this is the very reason why Candy was prompted to share this article, to give hope to just one person. We’ve never met, or even messaged each other, but I am truly glad you decided to stay!
I don’t know what happened to Candy’s friend.
I wanted to run away because I realized that I’ve blundered, screwed up, bitched up etc.
I won’t go into details here but in brief: out of curiosity, I started to take some things forward – but eventually I wasn’t willing to go further with such things.
The end results were disappointments and frustrations with the other parties and me being ashamed of the whole mess.
If I had thought twice before all started, nothing of it would have ever happened.
I left because I feel like I’d hurt my family if I transitioned, but that’s behind me now because I need to live life for myself, otherwise I’ll never be happy.
I purged, deleted, and got my clothes back, and some of my friends back, but I didn’t mean to hurt anybody when I left, I just needed a break and I was undergoing a lot of pressure from my friends and family to desert dressing. It’s more than dressing to me.
Oh, this resonates with me fierce.
I too lost a dear friend on CDH, and I blame myself as I was not on as frequent as I should have been. I think about her still and hope she finds the peace she needs. I feel so guilty about it. Hope one day that KJO returns and we can pick up where we left off. I miss her.
I experienced the same a bit. When that happens it is very hurtful and thoughtless of the other person.
Many play games and don’t realize despite it being the internet there are real people on the other side of the chat with real feelings. I empathize with you Candy and hope the sadness goes away soon.
That happened to me on here. I was stunned and worried about what happened. Was my friend sick or had died or had she turned a page and given up on being her. I was disappointed that I no longer had this wonderful source of conversation and friendship any more. I hope she is okay and thriving. I sympathize with you Candy and hope that tear in you heart will heal.
CAndy, Your anguish is palpable in the words you wrote. As someone who has been a member since we only had about 100-150 members back in August 2015,, I have met thousands since then, and have a few hundred close folks on here and have experienced similar losses over the last three years. I CAN tell you (as have others above) that sometimes you get lucky and a long-missing friend ( like Rachel -above- 🙂 )resurfaces-and the joy that brings is as incredible as the pain at the previous loss was. We share a difficult burden of a life that… Read more »
Truly a message from the heart. Written out of grief, yet at the same time, comforting and encouraging. You may never know why she deleted her account, but a true friend is a forever friend. And with people like us, we need all the friends we can get.
No question our lives are more complicated than most, living two different lives (and lots of lies) and trying to find a balance between them. It’s inevitable that at some point it becomes too much to bear and somethings has to give. It’s often a matter of self preservation. I certainly don’t fault anyone for leaving nor would I want to coerce them into staying if they don’t want to. It’s their life and their decision. If you leave you will be missed and those close to you will be saddened but you gotta do what you gotta do. Rest… Read more »
I wouldn’t know if the illusion was better than reality. Sometimes I live in a world of dreams paarallel to the real. I ain’t aware all the time where I am. It’s hard to lose friends, even new friends. Now I know it’s part of the journey, part of individual growth. Two of my few friends had left CDH without saying goodbye in these days. I should understand them, I guess. But I would have preferred to be sent for walk to silent absence. But my path has to continue and here I am surrounded by love. We will survive.… Read more »
Candy….my condolences to you sweety. Candy we are but ships at sea on our life on earth. Very few have the luxury of sailing together for a long period of time. We meet up with a friend at sea, we sail awhile with our friend and then we sail on perchance to meet another. Lovers and friendships are so fleeting in life. Enjoy and remeniss over what you had and look for others…..there are so many Sisters out there….you will meet others.
Love to you…….Lady Veronica