One thousand two hundred and eighty-eight miles separated us physically. Emotionally, it’s like we were in the same room. What is it that makes a friendship so special? Chemistry they call it? Fate? Karma? We understood each other so well. We laughed, we teased, we cried. We made plans we knew would never come to pass. We shared our lives; bared our very souls.

Every night I would log on knowing your message would be there waiting for me. Sometimes serious, sometimes silly, but always the words I needed to hear. Until that night. You sounded so despondent. The pressures of everyday life rained down…work, family, day to day responsibilities…so you said. But between the lines I felt the guilt, the worry, the frustration, the anger at not being able to be who you really are. I responded lightheartedly, hoping to get a laugh, maybe cheer you up just a little. I guess I may never know if you read it; the very next day your account was deleted. Just like that. You were gone. I just sat there and stared at the screen in disbelief. This can’t be. She can’t leave me like this. What did I say? What did I do? There must be a mistake. Technical glitch. Something. Account deleted? What the hell does that mean? You told me you had purged before and I assumed you decided it was time again. You purged your clothes. You purged your truth, half your being. You tried to purge a part of you that will never just go away. You purged your friends. You purged me.

I try so hard to understand how the forces that guide us here and bring us together can just as quickly drive us away. Its almost as if we have no control. I have to tell myself this was not your doing.

Visit Transgender Heaven

We did not choose to be who we are. Who in their right mind would choose such a life? As Candy slowly reveals herself to the world, maybe I can at least find token acceptance…you know the kind…(“Oh sure I have a crossdressing friend. I keep her right there on the shelf between my gay friend and my black friend, ’cause I’m so liberal”). Else we endure the hatred of those terrified of their own feelings. Maybe I will find another friend like you to make it all worthwhile. Maybe not.

Your messages still linger in my inbox from you, my dear deleted. They will soon disappear and the memories will slowly fade and life will go on. There will be other friends but never anyone quite like you.  The cycle repeats over and over. For this is the life we lead. One of guilt and shame, fear and loneliness. I can’t help but harbor ill will at the cruel world that so ruthlessly tore us apart.

As I push back the tears I write you this one last message. I am eternally grateful for what we had. I can only wish you all the best in life. May all the dreams we shared and plans we made become your reality. As for me, well I’ll push on, for you have shown me a very pleasant stop on this otherwise lonely, grueling journey I call life.

All my love,

Candy

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Patsy Jennusaith
Member
3 years ago

A few weeks ago someone in the forums publicly announced that they were leaving crossdresser heaven for good. Maybe it was them.

Mikki' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
Mikki
3 years ago

I loved your relationship with your deleted. I wish I could have a friend just like that. My name is Mikki. Having trouble getting logged in so I’m communicating where I can without logging in. I am new so maybe I’m just laptop stupid. Hope we get to talk soon. Thanks for the read. Mikki

Evelyn Freeman
Evelyn Freeman
3 years ago

Hi Candy, I am not the person in your story, but I found your post on pinterest and it made me realize that when I deleted my profile here it was a type of purge. I made a promise to myself that I would never again purge my femme cloths. Whenever I get the desire to throw away my female side and try to forget Evelyn, I pack all my femme clothing into a duffel bag or storage boxes and place them in the attic. I know that in a few months I want to get them down and wear… Read more »

Patty Michelle
Patty Michelle
3 years ago

Hugszzzz <3

Lucinda Hawkns
Active Member
3 years ago

yes in deed well written. sorry for your lose of a friend. we need friends to talk to and they know we are x dressers and need them to talk to and be open and let it all out. i could not delete my profile here on C.D.H. i have come to terms with my x dressing because of C.D.H and all my friends i have and do keep in touch one way or another. have to Thank C.D.H president for helping me be more open with my dressing up and be more happy. have to thank all my friends… Read more »

SteffieC
Duchess
Member
3 years ago

Beautifully written, Candy. Wish I was still in San Antonio to get together

Michelle
3 years ago

Candy

I very much enjoyed reading your open letter. It was very touching and moving. It’s actaully a something that we all live with everyday and I am so sorry that you experienced such a loss of friendship. Thanks for sharing that with us. Hang in there, she may come back some day…….

Peta' class='avatar avatar-64 photo' height='64' width='64' />
Peta
3 years ago

Oh Candy what can I say ,I you must have felt terrible when it happened to you .I tried to put myself in your shoes and would have got very upset . I would like to meet others on here and to find a friend to talk to someone who is always there and thinks the same as you do .There are certinally a lot of friends on here who seem like lovely people . I will be thinking of you for some time Candy.

Ariella V. Vaquero
Ariella V. Vaquero
3 years ago

Wow. Just joined. This moved me so much. I just met the girlfriend of a lifetime. The Trans Lady who loved me as me. Soon after she left (she lives in South America), I had a serious breakdown. I have not contacted her in several months. She must be feeling this way, as we chatted or emailed every day until I “went dark”. I am going to email her tonight and send her this article. I have never met a more understanding or supportive person in my life. It was almost too much for me.

Thank you,

Ariella

Wendy
Member
3 years ago

Great post Candy, sorry it was so traumatic for you…Losing close friends is always rough. Hugs, sweetie.

Katie Campbell
Katie Campbell
3 years ago

Great post Candy, this can be such a lonely existence. The guilt shame and fear can drive me to the edge.

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