Living in Iowa (I assume the same could be said of other areas) there is an old saying, “Don’t like the weather, wait ten minutes.” I played my first round of golf this year on February 7th. For perspective, last year it was March 30th. It was 87 yesterday and won’t crack 50 this coming Saturday for the first tournament of the year. What does golf and the weather have to do with being a crossdresser? (Besides the cute outfits the women get to wear 😊 )
How many wives have told their husbands they are addicted to golf, stupidly willing to play in all types of conditions; in between thunderstorms, high winds, cold temperatures, and into darkness. Most likely the same wives who would tell their CD husbands they own too many shoes, dresses, lingerie items, and shapewear—addiction at its finest. If someone calls me up and says, “Hey, let’s hit the links,” I’m instantly figuring out how to swing it—forgive the pun. How to tell the SO, the boss, and all the others who might put a Kibosh on it. Sounds a lot like being a crossdresser—figuring out how to get that much-needed time in. Sadly, being a CD might actually hit the wallet harder than being a golf addict. God help me if I ever blend the two…
I recently went through my CD inventory and purged so many wonderful memories because I JUST HAVE WAY TOO MUCH, and I always want more. I put together multiple lots and sold it on eBay—for a more than fair price. All the magical dresses that I’ve kept in hopes I might fit into them (I realize it won’t happen even if I lose 20 pounds). What do I possibly need with 30 wigs? 35 pairs of shoes? Makeup overflowing? More dresses, skirts, and tops than I could possibly wear, let alone keep track of owning. It doesn’t end there as the same could be said of all the golf polo shirts and shorts. I read an interesting quote, not sure who penned it, but it goes like this: “I spent the first two-thirds of my life acquiring stuff that doesn’t matter only so I can spend my last third getting rid of it.” Such is the life of a CD. Everything there is to promote our need for femininity is essential until it isn’t. Eventually, I believe we all find our female representation, the ideal of our reality, and so the experimental things collect space. So why hang on to those things that aren’t a truer reflection of my female side? Because… one can never have too many golf accessories…
My circling around has a point. Being a CD isn’t much different than a host of other things. The collection of knickknacks, season tickets to sports teams, going out to eat, gardening, and the list goes on. The difference is in the eyeballs that watch and condemn. As men, being a CD allows us to dig into what makes a woman tick and to touch some emotions that are seen as unmasculine. Neither of which is bad, per se. We fight only one major issue. Showcasing our femininity as a man is demoralizing to women, children, and the perceptional “true” men. (So they say) The context is preconceived ignorance and bigoted just as it is with every other group harassing another. Statistically, I bet we are better husbands, fathers, neighbors, citizens, and men because we are.
Perception is something that is a two-way street in which we tend to see it more as a one-way boulevard with security cameras on the gated entries to the lush estates they protect. That is us against the establishment. I absolutely love my time as Brina (for today, I’m accepting that I’m more CD than trans… tomorrow may be different), it fulfills me, encourages me to be a better human, and teaches me tolerance and acceptance of all. You can’t continue to downgrade others when you like to wear 6-inch platform heels… My point is that we sometimes feel that we are misjudged, but we also fail to recognize the polarizing stance of those who simply “Do not understand” and chastise for no other reason than it’s what the loudest voices do. We can, however, forgive them for their ignorance and go about our lives. Unless they threaten us with harm or blackmail, they are but a voice to be ignored. We all have issues! Taking it out on others is the problem we need to fix.
If you ask anyone of us who have purged what the feelings were shortly thereafter, they’d likely tell you (besides the money cost to replace everything) that it felt as if they’d given a part of themselves away. Before my father passed, I had him go through everything (other than his books and clothes… focusing on his shop and garage stuff) and seriously consider what he needed instead of what he might need. Yes, he was a hoarder extraordinary. His love of work gloves (40 pairs), used screws and nails—just in case, plastic bags to wrap the trout in that he caught, 10 fishing tackle boxes and 20 poles, every piece of wood no matter how small, etc. You get the picture. I was proud of him as he created the keep, give away, and toss piles easier than I thought he would. We did it again three years later after he knew his time was running shorter. I’ve since done another go-through, and yet I keep things not because I need or will ever use them, but because they are his. The same goes for me as I try to make the home mine and not completely my parents.
This is a reflection of being a CD as well. We collect because we want (not need) to have it; the more the better as we equate buying to understanding this side of ourselves. There are many women out there who do similar… the goddesses who have the shoes, accessories, and clothing to die for, but they are still in the minority compared to most women. I may never settle on my reflective image, instead continuing to buy every dress that piques my interest… just because, but in the future, I know my loss will be another girl’s gain as I bundle and sell that which I don’t need and keep more of who I am… so to speak. The only thing missing are the golf outfits…
Until next time… go easy on yourself, and more importantly, on others. It’s easy to get down on who we are and take out the frustrations on those we love. A metaphor that means a lot to me is the story about the man who was having an exceptionally bad day at work and on arriving home he stops at the tree in the front yard. There, he hangs up his problems of the day before entering the house. He is present with his family. The following morning he stops at the same tree to regather the problems that need to be dealt with only to find that many of them have disappeared.
Be kind and loving, always…
More Articles by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish
- Living in the Shadows
- From Across the Room
- Who do You Dress for?
- Hello 2025! An Invitation to submit an Article.
- Tis the Season to be…
Latest posts by Sabrina (Brina) MacTavish (see all)
- Living in the Shadows - April 25, 2025
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- Tis the Season to be… - December 4, 2024
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As always a nicely written article. I don’t really know much about golf to say allot but I do have a fond childhood memory of a step daddie who I never connected with. Most likely due to who I had begun to come. He was always trying to change me, thought I should do things other boys did, IE: baseball, football, fishing etc. NOT! However, he was helping build a huge golf course just outside of where we live. My mother asked me to ride with her to go pick him up from work. When we got there he came… Read more »
fun story! thanks for sharing 🙂
Thanks Sabrina!
It’s funny that you chose the golf analogy, because my therapist uses that all the time! And thought is seems like an iffy comparison at first, if you think about it, the way some people get obsessed with golf – the outfits, shoes, clubs, trying to manipulate your schedule to play as much as possible – it really does track! Not sure my wife totally buys it, but we’re still a work in progress. She even noted the other day that my “collection is growing." And I thought, you know, I buy records obsessively too – why is that not… Read more »
Thanks for the comments and the story. You know, (Midwest way of saying, “Let me add my thoughts,") it’s funny how being a CD truly fits into some of those hobby obsessions, and the main difference between them is the justification that others attach to it. It’s okay to collect records but dressing and collecting women’s clothing? Come on… really, are you weird or what? Having 3,000 matchbooks isn’t weird or what? I know that there can be more to it. that feminine seed that suddenly sprouts and grows wild and untamed. That’s me, more or less. I am attracted… Read more »
Thank you Brina for another great article.
Thanks for saying so! 🙂
A very enjoyable article Brina, I too am a golf tragic but I have decided that it is a Gail Bucket List Item to play Golf herself so I am looking at several outfits now hoping to find one that suits my plus size body without looking too tragic and then its look out here I come
Gail
I wish you all the best. Someday… Be sure to let us know how it goes. I need to do some research to see if there are any courses nearby that do a tournament or event for CDs or other groups where I could fit in.
Where in hell would anyone in iowa be able to play golf in feburary? I spent 35 years in that winter crap hole and never once would I consider such a thing. I like to go to the pistol and rifle range to do my thing and if I were to go in feburary I would have to clear the snow drifts, Besides I could not hit the broad side of a barn while i shivered at a gun range in such a cold winter crap hole. After I retired from my job I left for warmer places. The people… Read more »
I did a Covid purge. Big regrets. I had several lovely bras, lacy and cute that fit my breast forms perfectly. Some with matching panties. I had a garter belt that I cant seem to replace. A couple of pencil skirts one black one grey that fit nicely. But worst of all two pairs of heels that i loved. Not good. Lol
@Jenna Monroe Shame! Been there too many times. I always seem to find something new that I equally like, but the memory of those that I let go still linger. Thanks for the comments.
I just brought 6 suitcases of Stephanie,’s wardrobe from Florida to Vietnam. Don’t have closet space in the apartment!
Skirts, dresses, jumpers, blouses, wigs, unmentionable
Steph is such a lucky girl!
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@Stephanie Browne I couldn’t imagine having to pack up my things to move them. The shoes alone… Thanks for the comments!
It’s not something I would want to do twice! However, so glad to have moved here. I have more clothes than I have closets in this apartment for Stephanie’s necessities! Went out yesterday for brunch at a nice little hotel near the beach in femme, and passed nicely as female until I forgot to remember my voice, my male voice and I noticed the people at the next table noticing that! Wife whispering to husband, husband looking staring my way at the next table and oops. A nice reminder however to be mindful of voice tone dressed as I… Read more »