sad_worried_girl

Be sure to follow Sophie’s journey from the beginning.

“I still love you, Dad!”; never have I read sweeter words.  I almost broke down and cried there and then.  I knew, however, that I had to compose myself for what was about to follow — the second phone call.

It was to be more of the same, only more shaky and holding back more tears.  I was trying my best to speak without falling apart.  Oh my, how hard that was.  In broken and disjointed sentences, I shared how I had gotten to this point in my life and who and what I was.  My daughter was so very sweet; she was trying to be supportive and to say all the right things.  That made me even more emotional.  I was telling the total truth about myself, and my daughter was the first person to know me as nobody has.  I made a few jokes, probably poor ones, but tried to take the edge off of the situation.  By the end of the evening, I felt as if a great pressure had been removed from my life.  My daughter was the one person whom I had worried about telling.  In retrospect, I may have blown the situation out of proportion, just a little. in my mind.  Our discussion ended that night with promise.  I left it that she could ask me anything she wished and I would only answer with truth and honesty.

What I had not expected or realised was the effect that my disclosure would have on my daughter in the following days.  She asked a few questions about our life when we lived as a family, but nothing too deep.  It was not until a few days later that it became clear that she was having difficulty.  She was struggling with coming to terms with me as anything other than her father.  This was going to be harder than I imagined.

By midweek of my visit, I was struggling with not being Sophie for the longest time since the beginning of the year.   It was taking its toll on me.  That day, I had been doing a lot of cooking and preparing meals for my daughter to freeze.  As the evening crept in, I felt that I needed a drink and suggested that we open a bottle of wine.  I cannot recall the meal we ate that night, but the conversation remains as vivid today as that day.  We began discussing my life, but my daughter also shared many things about herself that we had never discussed.  It was  a two way exchange, punctuated with us both sobbing and hugging many times.  Two bottles of wine, floods of tears, and a headache or two later, we both tried to sleep.  That was the first of a few nights when I did not sleep well; I survived the rest of the week on about four hours of sleep a night.

The following day, I made an error with something I said.  As a result, My daughter got upset and went for a walk.  We met a couple of hours later in a local pub and talked more over a drink.  I apologised and explained how things went sideways.   We were able to get things back on track.  Unfortunately, the following morning,  I felt differently.  I felt like I had made things worse by coming out, and wished I was back home.  I wanted to get away from it all.  I had lost my appetite, had a thumping headache, and felt bad about myself.  What had gone wrong?  It was my turn to get some fresh air.

I lost track of the time while walking slowing about the town.  Finding myself in a public garden by a stream, I sat down on a bench.  I cried quietly to myself as the odd stranger walked past, oblivious to my heartache and torment.  (Just writing this is bringing me back to tears, requiring that I stop for a moment to compose myself.)  Although it was sunny, it was also cold, and I was beginning to shiver.  I decided to continue walking, and soon found myself heading back to my daughter’s flat.  I walked slowly as if I had no purpose or direction.

By the time I got to the flat, I had tried to move myself into a better place, but not with great success.  Entering the flat, I spoke with my daughter; things, however, were a little tense still.  As the evening went on, we spoke more and more.  By the end of the night, I was back to a better state of mind, and my daughter and I had recovered from the recent tribulations.

Sophie concludes her journey in reflection on what she learned about herself and her relationships in the closing segment.

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  1. Deety Dagger 2 months ago

    Sophie, my heart goes out to you for I know how difficult it has been. I came out to my daughters so me 12 months ago and was absolutely stunned by their response. Both in their 40’s they were unbelievably supportive and understood far more about me than I did about myself.

  2. Bon bon 2 months ago

    I feel you …My daughter find out. . Ask her to get some money I had stasch away… That day I forgot the money was my panty and tight fitting Mico mini outfit. Like you we talked. . Now she mentions how the clothes I wear mades her see the way I feel. . : )…

  3. Krista 2 months ago

    My Dear Sophie, Thank you so much for continuing to share the story of your journey with your daughter. While reading your message, I think a lot about my daughter. And I agree with you; I think young people today are much more enlightened.
    As you know, my wife asked me not to share my journey with our children. She fears not being able to visit our granddaughter. As hard as it is, I respect my wife’s wishes.
    I love that you have your own kind of therapy Sophie. Cooking helps in so many ways. With your encouragement, I’ve become much more creative in my kitchen trying things I would never have thought of doing years ago. Thank You for that. Bonus is that my wife is happier with my cooking too.
    I am looking forward to reading Part 3 of your journey. Merci encore,
    Hugs Krista

  4. Willa Patryn 2 months ago

    I, like many, have spent a lifetime, 6 decades, repressing who I knew I was @ the age of four. I did the best I could, to be the person my Mother, Society, my Wife of 22 years, and our two now grown children, expected me to be. I used alcohol from about the age of 16 until arrested for public drunk, and child endangerment of my then 10 month old daughter, @ the age of 38, to help numb the feelings and built a false male bravado for all the world to see. My Mom divorced my Father when I was 7 or 8 years old, and insisted that he have no contact w/me and my one older and one younger brother. She struggled as a single parent of three, in a time when divorce was not accepted. So, newly sober, I became determined to be the Father to my children, that I never knew. I believe I accomplished that. But eventually, the feeling of not being true to my sense of self rose again. I stumbled upon the website named pinkessense in 2009 and was amazed at how many felt the same as I. What I saw in the mirror then, was not the person I know myself to be. I was 57 and a fully bearded man stared @ me. The me I knew should be female. I ordered estrogen patches and spiro online and began self medicating as I had done w/booze for so many years. Sexual relations w/my wife began to deteriorate as the feminizing took place. I came out to her. She informed me that she is NOT lesbian, and soon filed for divorce, which was final late March 2012. Our daughter was and is the only one to see me dressed as a girl, and seemed to take it in stride. I had had a professional make over and came home fully made up. Our younger son took the divorce hard, and had been introduced to opioid pain killers in his senior year of high school and soon was arrested for being under the influence of heroin. Needless to say, these past five years have the most difficult of my life. When my dog died last November, I wanted to pull the trigger and put an end to it. But I lack the courage/stupidity to take my life, and/or emotional/financial support needed to transition. I struggle along alone, a day @ a time, the family I once had and gave my all for, is gone. The self medication of estrogen, while initially soothing soon caused skin keritosises to erupt that develop into squamous cell cancers. Last year a basal cell cancer horn grew on my right ear and the top half had to be cut off. Old age is not for sissies, but I shall always wish to be a girl, even though I have to accept that I would be an old lady now.
    I wish everyone here well and pray for a happy day.

    • Author
      Sophie Frenchie 2 months ago

      Willa, reading you reply has brought me to tears. I am not sure what to say other than I feel your pain. Thank you for you open and honest words. Perhaps there is a message and a lesson to us all in what you have written. I am not sure that this is the right thing to say as I am full of emotion just now. xxx

  5. Jackie Wild 2 months ago

    Sophie what a sad time it was for you and most likely still is. I loved your coming out story because it’s truthful, from the heart and real. My god it has to be so heart wrenching to tell someone like a daughter about who you are and what u do. After reading your article I realized one more time how fortunate I was in all true senses that when I came out I had already been living the life and most people already knew. I still had to open up as you did and verbally tell all there was to tell. My heart is with you hun and I would like to tell you that it can only get better from this day forward but I don’t know that I can for only you will know whats best to do. I can tell you that though your daughter is trying to take it all in and feels sad at this point she will respect you tons more by being honest with her. The whole coming out thing is a scary time but I can tell you that it’s like a breath of fresh air and a huge weight off your back. So best be with you and looking forward to hearing how well it comes out, Jackie.

    • Author
      Sophie Frenchie 2 months ago

      Oh Jackie, I went through such extremes of emotion at that time as I think is clear from the article. But I truely believe that it was worth every painful moment. I am sure that my daughter will come around in the end. She is such a beautiful person and I am so so proud of her. I am very happy to say that over a month down the line, personally I am in such a better place and moving forward with my life. I am more confident about being open about myself and have begun to introduce Sophie to a select few here in France, with the next step on this coming Tuesday. I am meeting a old friend who now knows about Sophie and I will spend the day with him helping out in his restaurant. My own kind of therapy! Thank you for your lovely comment and encouragement. I understand also of that we all have issue of some kind or another.We do not chose a simple life, but it’s one that we have to live. xxx

  6. skippy1965(Cynthia) 2 months ago

    Both of you make excellent points! Sophie, as with part 1, your story tears at the heartstrings. We all want to be able to share our entire selves with those we love-to let them see what we’ve been hiding from the world for years and I some cases decades. The weight lifted off our shoulders by no longer having to keep our “secrets” can be an incredible relief. Where I think some people fall short (and I do NOT include you in this category) is that they may fail to realize that the weight of that burden doesn’t just disappear-rather in some cases it merely SHIFTS from our shoulders to those of our loved ones. They often have no one to discuss their own feelings about our revelations. I know in my case that my daughter is not ready to completely process the POSSIBILITY that I may take things farther in the future. I only told her because her cousin-(my niece)and her mom-(my sis) already knew about it and I believed it would hurt her even more if she accidentally learned of it through them rather than directly from me. She cried a lot when I told her that I was still trying to figure out where on the CD/TS spectrum I fall and what my future path will be. I can only imagine what it must be like for her to learn that the man she has always seen as her protector and father might not be all she thought I was. Yes, I know I am the same person inside that I have always been and that no matter what form I may be on the outside that I will always still be her dad-but I fear it may take a while for her to get to that philosophical view of me. While it is my hope that she DOES get there, I know I need to be prepared for the chance that she may NOT accept it and could in fact reject me from being part of her life. That would break my heart but I don need to be true to myself-just need to figure out for sure who “myself” is!

    Anyway I am really looking forward to reading part 3 where I’m hoping you get the fairytale ending (and they lived happily ever after!)

    Luv,
    Cyn

    • Author
      Sophie Frenchie 2 months ago

      Cyn , thank you so much for your kind words. You certainly felt every word I believe, as you life is very close in the respect of having a daughter etc. I can only say that I am very pleased that I managed to do this and only wish I had the courage a long time ago. The understanding that I now have of my relationship with both my daughter and my ex and her mother is quite different in a nice way. However, I honestly feel that I did a little more damage in my life by keeping things a secret for so long. And yes a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I guess as you point out had been passed to my daughter to an extent. I do hope things work out with your own daughter I I totally get the thought of rejection- the worst possible nightmare. But I am sure it will not come to that. Younger people are more enlightened and open minded than when we grew up. We simply tie ourselves in knots. xxx

  7. Author
    Sophie Frenchie 2 months ago

    Part three and final part to this article will be available soon

    • LovinghimasShe 2 months ago

      To Cyn, Sophie and anyone else- I’m not sure that this will help, because I’m not in your shoes, but here’s my 2 cents: if I was your daughter, I might try to think that you are still you- my father, my protector- but now, you are even more. You are also a mother, therefore hopefully more of a girlfriend type with whom I can now have the kind of fun I only had with my actual mom. It’s a bonus!

      I would also think about how fortunate I am to have you at all, for there are people whose fathers aren’t worth much. Actually, I am in that situation, with a father that has abandoned me early on. I would love to have a different version of a good father than a crappy one or none at all. I hope she realizes that.

      • skippy1965(Cynthia) 2 months ago

        Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I pray that my daughter will eventually feel the same way toward Cyn whether Cyn is a part to fulltime CD in the future OR even if full transition is the ultimate path!. It is good to know that at least it’s possible that things will work out in the long run.
        Cyn

  8. Dear Sophie!

    I loved your article!

    My comment is for all members old, new and those yet to come as well as the rest of the human race As human beings, we are programmed in our brains to desire certain things. One of those is a fierce desire to maintain the “status Quo” as it were. All living beings….yes animals to microbes too, are like this. When change occurs it is usually very very slow so as not to upset people at their morning tea as it were. Humans however, experience many changes in their “comfort zone” very rapidly and the ability to adapt to these changes takes awhile but it will happen. Some sooner, some later. If you look at us as a species you will see that we all are creatures of “habit” in some ways. Changing this causes turmoil and unsettledness until the dust clears. That is why things and changes seldom occur quickly. Batten down the hatches and wait till the storm clears is what is best to do. The meantime, well, hunker down and deal with it as best you can. Do you hear me all those who “are coming out”. Put on a stiff upper lip and carry on regardless. Be all that you can be. Just don’t expect “clear sailing all the way”. The dust will settle, the sun will come out and you can rejoice and be Happy.

    That is why I have no home…..I live on the road of change. I am where I am at the moment, thanks to the army for that I guess. It is just that I love to see new things and places…so that is OK for me.. Get ready people…the world is no longer stationary….we all will on the constant move before long.
    To deny this is like “herding cats”….can’t be done.

    Philosopher….Lady Veronica Graunwolf

    • Author
      Sophie Frenchie 2 months ago

      Profound comments there Lady Veronica, I understand the process but that doesn’t mean I have to like it or be happy with it. Having said that I am fine with things as they have progressed and wrote that for others to not feel alone with these feelings. We can overcome many obstacles in life if we focus and manage to step back to see the bigger picture. Nice to know that being on the move constantly suits you fine. But at the time it is not always possible to be so objective due to the emotional overload experienced at that time.
      We all deal with life and what it throws at us in different and personal ways.
      Thank you for your thoughts on the subject xx

      • Sophie, I am pleased with your reply. It is hard to know what to advise people based on what is written. You have a definite goal for your circumstances and this is great. I wish you success and happiness my friend. Look forward to more posts.

        All the best…..Lady Victoria Graunwolf

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