Are you ashamed of who you are?

Last week I got a resounding response when I touched on the topic of otherwise benign crossdressing websites displaying a warning. Perhaps, not so subtly asking the question – Are we ashamed of crossdressing?

I got a touching response from Michelle via email. She has kindly allowed me to share it with you:

But some of us are not proud of who we are at all.  I for one am VERY conflicted.  I really enjoy dressing up pretty and sometimes it is sexual, but sometimes it is not.  My wife, however, does not tolerate it at all, sexual or not, private or not.  I love my wife dearly, so when I do dress behind her back, I feel extremely guilty.  Sometimes the guilt is because I have been to websites that I should not have been to, and sometimes it is because I have indulged myself sexually (never with another person, just masturbating, but still) and I know that she would not be pleased.  Sometimes I wish that Michelle would just go away and not haunt me anymore.  But then, I am irresistibly drawn to do something later that I will regret.  I feel as though I have no power of myself.  But you are happy with who you are so you probably don't understand me (and those like me) and I don't even know why I am telling you all this.

Michelle showed bravery and honesty in sharing this with me. I know first hand the pain, self-loathing and confusion she expresses. The lack of control over your desires, wanting to fulfill your needs and to still love and respect your wife. These are not easy things to grapple with. Many people never have to deal with something so heart wrenching.

Michelle’s email is a beautiful expression of a truth many crossdressers live with, and it touched a chord with me. I thought I’d share my response to her with you, dear reader.

I spent much of my life believing that crossdressing was a curse, or worse – a sin I needed constant forgiveness for. Society and religion had convinced me that I was doing something wrong. If only I had enough will power, or enough faith, or a mastery of my emotional triggers – then I would be free of crossdressing. I was wrong for doing it, and I was weak for continuing. As much as I accomplished in my life I could never conquer crossdressing. I felt powerless, until I realized that I did have the power.

I could not change my desire to crossdress, any more than I could change my height or the color of my eyes. But I could change the meaning it held for me. Up until then I had viewed crossdressing as a cross I must bear, but what if it was truly a blessing? I couldn’t make society accept me, but what if I accepted myself?

With much introspection I asked myself – why should I be ashamed of crossdressing? At this question my mind flooded me with answers, most of which involved some variation of how other people would perceive me. I tend to agonize about what other people think, but crossdress or not, other people have perceptions of me – both positive and negative that I can influence but not control. Should I be ashamed because of what other people may think? For centuries people thought ill of another based on the color of their skin. Does that mean every person of color should feel ashamed? Absolutely not!

It took a long time, but I finally overcame this reason to be ashamed. Yet so many more reasons remained. One kept nagging me – ‘was this the most productive use of my time?’. Were the hours spent perfecting my makeup technique and shopping for clothes well spent? Perhaps not – though the same could be said for hitting a little white ball around with a stick.

The mind is cunning, next it asked, ‘What about your wife Vanessa? Surely your crossdressing must do harm to her, don’t you feel guilty about what you put her through?’ Ahh, well played mind. I do feel guilty about this. For my wife I want to be the man she deserves. I don’t agonize about the perceptions of the nameless stranger on the street, but I do care very deeply about what my wife thinks.

So I took a step back, and took stock of my ‘husbandry’. I crossdress, but I’m more caring and compassionate than most men. I wear makeup, but I treat her as my equal and respect her opinion. I’d rather get a manicure than tinker with a car, but I share my feelings and listen to her do the same. I realized that our relationship to another is more complex than a single issue. How fortunate a couple would be if crossdressing were the only issue to deal with. It doesn’t erase the guilt I feel putting her through this, but it does put it in perspective. Would your wife rather you spend every night drinking in the bar than crossdress? Likely not…

Sex has a unique way of making us feel guilty – we’re conditioned to be ashamed of our bodies almost since birth. In this case, perhaps you feel uncomfortable that your desire to crossdress is partly sexual. Even organizations like Tri-Ess try their best to separate crossdressing from sexuality. This is one I don’t feel qualified to unpack, though having a sex drive and becoming aroused is natural and healthy.

So is crossdressing a blessing? That’s something you get to decide for yourself. Personally, crossdressing has made me a better person. It has also allowed me a unique opportunity to share my acceptance with others. If I can offer just one person comfort and hope, then I’m doubly blessed in getting to share my blessing with others.

You may not be able to control your crossdressing, but you can control what it means to you. Will it mean shame, guilt and heartache? Will it be a part time hobby you indulge in, as harmful as a round of golf? Or will it open up the doors to bless others with compassion and love?

The choice is yours. The only wrong answer is choosing not to decide.

Hugs and blessings,
Vanessa

---
Dear reader, what do you think? How have you come to terms with your crossdressing? How do you deal with the shame and guilt? Is crossdressing a blessing or a curse?

Leave a comment and help another in heartache.

Leave a Reply

203 comments

  1. Maureen 23 April, 2015 at 05:16 Reply

    I would so like to be able to dress in what i feel like that day, like women do. I have been dressing off and on since I was 12. i spent 6 years as a single dad so it fit the moment there too. My wife does not know the extent of my interest, though i do wear girl jeans, boyshorts panties, yoga pants, I have 5 pair of high boots all flats I wear under my pant legs. I get my nails done with her and my daughter. And I have my occasional rants on how boring men’s fashions are.
    I dress when I am home alone, which seems a bit defeatist but I do what I can. I do feel guilty hiding it from her, but I don’t want to lose my marriage and my family – so i hide. I also do not want to be humiliated, have extra rules to allow me to dress. I do not make rules on what my wife and daughter wear – why are there rules on what I can wear?
    It is a difficult secret to keep and harder to tell.
    I have no idea why i enjoy dressing and sometimes need to dress, i tried to let Maureen go after i got married, and it was good for three or four years. Then she came back, I now know she will be here always. So i enjoy her when she is here, and i can let her out. She is always in my mind – so i get both my male & female view on life. For that i am lucky!
    Maybe one day, dressing for men will be as acceptable as being gay or lesbian or hetero. It seems to be ok for girls – but not for boys.

  2. Jessica Anne mensing 15 April, 2015 at 20:00 Reply

    I am a tv for over 60 years I was sent to shrinks to fix me while in hi school did not work was told to move out at graduation. Lived alone dressing at home and. working on passing I dated my present wife UNTILL I was 25 I exposed Jessica Anne to Rita (my now wife) at my apartment by dressing and walking into the living room I had a pink shirtwaist dress 3 in matching shoes 36b bra wig make up
    Rita a as in shock I held her and told her I loved her so
    Much and I wanted her to love both of us. I told her i have been doing this for 11yrs. We had been sexualy active about a year at the time I came out After a. Gollon of tears Rita made. A. Deal with me to not run out I must be sterilized prior to wedding and submit to over the knee bare ass whipping on requist this I did and I get it every 2 weeks and the marks last days. We then stand and hug& kiss loving
    Rita buys my clothes and I must where cuppess allinonegirdles tight at croch anytime I leave home as a. male at home I am female I never ware slacks only dresses or skirts it took time but our neighbors did get to no and accept me. I did take hormones in the 70’s resulting in a big but and Aandahalf boobs that lactated I enjoyed that with breast pumping for 5 years. We enjoy regular. Sex and I serve Rita as her girl Freind we do
    Not wish to go public with our lives. Jessica Anne & Rita

  3. Cherry 19 November, 2013 at 03:28 Reply

    Ok for me, a mid 30s cross dresser with a wife who knows about it and barely tolerates it even a little, I wear lace panties, thongs and gstrings and thigh highs, paint my toes and use perfume, but I’m forced to do it alone unless I am so high I don’t care what my wife says, and I go for it. She used to be more patient even using a dildo on me sometimes but she became disgusted at a certain poi t and that stopped. I feel guilty cuz I also crave cocks and she knows I’m bisexual, I should say I look ugly in a wig so I will stop at the waist usually and I am still Cherry,

  4. Jenna 17 September, 2013 at 07:22 Reply

    Embarressed? Not at all. I have only been crossdressing for a few years but over that period of time I have felt myself grow more and more into being more femme. Somewhere along the line I couldn’t keep it bottled up inside of me any more so I had to tell my wife about my desires. There was of course the initial shock when I told her about Jenna, but that seemed to blow over quickly. We were laying in bed one evening when I told her that I would like to dress more feminine. She jumped up out of bed and almost angry asked me if I was turning bi or gay. I explained to her that I just have this urge to start wearing women’s clothes. The conversation didn’t last all that long and we both fell quickly asleep. In the morning when we got up and started getting ready for work, she handed me 3 pair of her panties and told me to wear a pair and see if that is what I really wanted. After showering, i got dressed and did wear a pair of her panties to work that day. I did feel a little embarrassed about putting them on in front of her at first. All day long I felt GREAT. I felt like I was finally feeling like who I wanted to be. After that day, things were a little touch and go. Each day, I wanted to be more femme in my attire. At first when we went shopping for her, I told her that I would like to buy something cute for myself but that rubbed her the wrong way. As time went on, she began to let me buy an item every now and then. Now, when we go to VS or The Gap or Old Navy, she always tries to make sure that I buy something for myself. I always dress very casual and there is nothing sexual that has me crossdressing. Usually I will buy some cute short shorts or a mini skirt or some cute underwear from Victoria’s Secret. It doesn’t embarress me at all to walk into a store and buy something for myself either. Although I haven’t gone shopping enfemmed yet but often when I am looking at women’s clothes in a store, the sales person will ask me if I would like to try something on. It makes me feel kind of good when that happens because then I know that being a little girly is ok. I have gone out fully dressed a few times but it was only to go to the bank’s drive-thru or like a McDonald’s. Couple of times I did have to stop and get gas while out and when I was pumping the gas, no one seemed to notice that under those cute girly clothes was actually a guy. So really just to sum things up here a bit, as time goes on, the confidence goes up while the embarressment goes down. I know I can’t give up dressing pretty so therefore, I just have to keep trying to do it better. There is always room for improvement.

  5. yulisa 14 September, 2013 at 18:05 Reply

    I do not feel embarrassed at all by dress in my stockings sexy garter and my bras, my wigs blondes and brunettes, I enjoy every day that I do, of course hidden from my wife, I even show in Youtube videos where there are many that we expose ourselves discreetly.

  6. Josephine Shaffer 20 June, 2013 at 12:14 Reply

    I am not ashamed of being a crossdresser since i like to wear dresses, skirts, leggings bathing suits, high heels nylon stockings, panties, bra’s, blouses, anything feminine i started crossdressing since i was 10 years old, and i still do that is aqll i wear now is womem’s clothes from head to toes, i consider myself as a transgender female.

  7. john 12 June, 2013 at 13:50 Reply

    This has been very insightful to me and at the same made me cry, I have done some form of cross dressing since I have memories, I have been in the military and have been anything but a manly man many times, but love enjoying being very fem behind close doors, I am blessed with a soon to be wife that loves me and accepts me for who I am. I have hated myself and almost committed suicide due to my mental stress on myself. I hope others find someone as good as my wife ” soon to be ” , I their life to help them understand there is nothing wrong with this and what doesn’t hurt anyone else should never matter.

  8. Lisa Kaufmann 3 June, 2013 at 11:44 Reply

    As others have said, I too am not ashamed about being a cross dresser. I rather enjoy it. Since I last wrote I still have not had many chances to be Lisa but am being allowed to wear all kinds of items and purchase more and more woman’s clothes. I can wear them around the house and out if it is just me or her & I so acceptance is getting there and gradually Lisa may even be able to be around more often. One can only hope.
    As Marilyn said it is nice to be able to wear panties and panty hose many days. It has gotten OK for me to wear pantyhose and shorts and sports bra and t’s when I walk outside as part of my exercise program. To me it is not sexual but being to express myself as many others are allowed to daily. I do wear panties and hose many days under my womans jeans and tops.

    • raph 23 July, 2013 at 02:00 Reply

      Since taking crossdressing seriously, wearing tights and a skirt most of the time, almost every day, the habit has become entirely natural, dressed to feel comforatble, while looking as I wish to look. Already reported, a collection of home-made lined pencil skirts and dresses in tough velvet answer my needs. I soon discovered a skirt must be worn over tights for correct movement. An initial sense of shame, dressing as I feel comfortable, has now evaporated. After several weeks, perhaps months, of preseverence, the novelty may have worn off but the pleasure has increasingly brought the greatest reward. Just persevere – and allow the normality and sublime pleasure of the experience gradually to take over. No more shame once a skirt becomes obligatory.

      • raph 27 July, 2013 at 16:26 Reply

        To add to the above, when wearing tights, heels and a pencil skirt or dress continuously at home, the practice quickly becomes totally normal. Indeed, high heels, broken in, are surprisingly and delightfully comfortable, so much so walking in them becomes completely natural! The thrill of crossdressing really is the reward for perseverance – no shame whatsoever. If doubts arise, advice is simple: get into a skirt, tights and heels and just don’t take them off – live and love the experience!

  9. marilyn 3 June, 2013 at 01:00 Reply

    since I last wrote in Sept and October of last year I think I am coming more to terms with the desire to dress in panties and hosiery. I finally did open the pantyhose that had been sitting in my drawer. I only got rid of them when I put a hole in them. Since then I have had a few pairs of panty hose and thigh-high stockings. I have also bought numerous pairs of panties and have them in my dresser drawer. It probably averages out that I wear them 28-29 days a month. I have even worn them to bed with my wife but since we work and go to bed at different hours I don’t think she knows even though she has rubbed my hip and butt and commented how good they feel.

  10. Lisa Kaufmann 7 May, 2013 at 08:07 Reply

    Like Michelle, and probably many others, because our significant others do not approve we go through all kinds of guilt but we still must proceed and express our feminine side. I totally enjoy being Lisa and do often wish it could be more, possibly even full time. It is a very important part of who I am and I do not feel complete when I am forced to be away from her for extended periods of time. Recently that occurred and my wife even went so far as to get me a few Lisa things and told me to wear them around the house. A gradual step. I have known Lisa for a long time. She is still learning about her and the role of Lisa in my life. Perhaps my time will come.
    Please keep up the web site and keep posting things for us all to learn more.
    Hugs,
    Lisa

  11. Lisa K. 18 March, 2013 at 07:30 Reply

    As many have said, I have known that I was different from a very age. Growing up in a small neighborhood with mainly girls we often played dress up. At those times I started to realze who I was and howcome I became happier when dressed even though I felt guilty. Over the years I have become more confident in expressing myself even though I still need to hide my activities from loved ones and community which of course brings back the guilty feelings even though when dressed I am complete.
    I have recently started taking hormones with a doctors care. I will be in a state of semi-transition for a year or two and time will tell how it will help or hinder. I can hardly wait for the time of aceptance of all as many of the younger set have now enjoyed. They can dress more openly with societal approval. Our time is coming.

  12. Janine 6 January, 2013 at 16:20 Reply

    I spent many years being ashamed of my desire to crossdress. Part of it was due to a strict religious upbringing and part of it was due to a lack of information about the widespread practice of it. I came to realize that there was nothing sinful or perverse about it and that I would never lose the desire. My only regret is that I never admitted the need to crossdress with my wife before we were wed. She discovered my secret several years into our marriage and has never been accepting of it.

  13. Alicia 2 January, 2013 at 07:10 Reply

    Ashamed hell no I love wearing women clothes I tryed to stop but I cant really don’t want to my girlfriend and daughter knows I get fully dressed and we hang out together go shopping buying sexy bras and panties using the store dressing room to try on panties and bras the only thing that scares me a little is that my Boobs really show my boobs are real not forms when I am out the first thing a guy looks at is my breast other then that wearing women clothes out and about women wear men clothes nobody said anything men think it sexy well I feel sexy in women clothes I DONT CARE WHAT ANYBODY THINKS enjoy life as much as you can we are not here forever

    • lucinda 22 February, 2013 at 14:40 Reply

      i am so glade you are happy and that you are not ashamed of cross dressing. it is wonderful that your wife and daughter except your cross dressing and go out shopping for clothing. i am a cross dresser my self and have been for many years on and off, but now it is always on and cross dress when kids are not home. wife knows and my daughter does also, but i still don’t dress up when she is home. i guess i am kinda of impressed to dress up when she is home. i would love it if my wife would go shopping with me for clothing but that is another story.i love dressing up as a woman, its a stress free way and depression medication for me and lets me be who i really should of been. i am a female trapped in a male body.when i dress up as a female my male mode is gone and the female takes over my body and dresses me up as i was a female.

  14. Carolyn 17 October, 2012 at 01:29 Reply

    I am not at all ashamed of the fact I am a crossdresser I had to stop for a while when I was married but a couple of month after my wife passed away I found myself going back to it and as I now live alone it is much easier I have even got round to buying my own clothes etc now even though it is online.
    The real problem I have is living in a small community so I am not able to forfil one of my biggest desires to be able to go out dressed. But a least I am now able to dress anytime I want and keep my clothes nice by hanging them in my wardrobe

  15. Marilyn 13 October, 2012 at 00:15 Reply

    I think it’s amazing how when the defences and denials are let go that the memories come back. In an earlier post I stated that my first dress-up was at age 13-14. I know know that was incorrect. The way that I remember it is that around age 3-4 for some reason my parents had me dressed in one of my sisters skirts, it was pleated and dark blue in color. Then around age 5-6 I definately remember seeing my father in one of my mother’s dresses, I can still see him standing in the bedroom door almost 55 years later. Then
    around the same time period we were visiting an aunt and uncle who had 3 daughters.The daughters,my sister and I went upstairs to “play”. I remember parading around in a green pair of of panties that belonged to one of the daughters. Then at age 8 it was Halloween season and time for the costume party in third grade. I wanted to go as a girl and wear my sister’s ballerina outfit from her last dance recital. It had a red body with a red or white tutu. It felt so good having that on ! There is another incident of dress-up with a couple of my cousins and sister when I was maybe 10 or 11 and then the incidents in my previous post. So many memories buried so deep !!

  16. Joyce 10 October, 2012 at 19:26 Reply

    One thing I did notice yesterday when I went out as Joyce was that I was dressed better than almost every woman I saw. They were mostly wearing drab jeans sweat shirts and sneakers. While I was in nice clothes and boots. That in itself made me feel ashamed because I couldn’t tell if they knew or not. I felt bare.But the only thing that was bare was my sole because I was allowing myself to be who I really am.

  17. rapid white tooth whitening 5 October, 2012 at 04:42 Reply

    Hello thеre! Τhis blog ροѕt coulԁ not be wrіtten much
    better! Looking through this article reminds me of my prevіous roommаte!

    He constantly kept talkіng about this. I will send this pοst tο him.
    Pretty sure hе will havе a good read.
    Τhanκs for sharing!

  18. Marilyn 28 September, 2012 at 00:47 Reply

    Ashamed ? Absolutely, or is guilty a better word? Born in an upstate NY community,raised Roman Catholic in a family that valued boxing, football, baseball, etc. My first dress-up was about age 13-14 with one of my sister’s slips when I had the house to myself. I felt so pretty and imagined what it would be like to be a girl. I mostly kept myself under control from about age 20 to now, almost 40 years later. have tried on my wifes panties and bodyshaper without her knowing and felt guilty every time. Have bought myself panties and pantyhose but felt so guilty I threw them out. But I didn’t throw out the pair of pantyhose I bought about 4 weeks later,still sitting in my drawer about 3 weeks later, unopened, but still there. I keep thinking about what would she say/do if she knew. I did have the best friend I ever had who accepted me and helped me dress,put on makeup, let me wear to bed any of her lingere I wanted , etc. That had to have been late 70’s-80s’s. How I regret losing her

  19. Alicia VanLoan 14 September, 2012 at 06:26 Reply

    Hi Melody Grace i was ashamed at first but now i ok with it i dont my G/F and daughter about it they were really happy about it i dress up we all go shopping together they help me with my hair and make up what bras and panties to buy i to when i am dressed i feel free i dont feel that way dressed as a man my stress level go down and i am really happy i will always dress female who ever like it fine who dont oh well get over it for me i dont care if you think i am gay so be it i am bisexual any way but not all xdressers are gay i wasnt till i started hormones then when i got interested in men well honey i hope thing work out for you i am sure it will enjoy dressing up i really do have a great day Alicia

  20. Melody Grace 27 August, 2012 at 07:19 Reply

    Yeah I am still ashamed of it. Its sad because I suppose its not really me who has the biggest problem. More my girlfriend, roommates, my family, my friends. They always say I am gay. There nothing wrong with being gay either, but I am straight. I always thought you could be straight and Xdress? Am I wrong? Am I the only straight Xdresser? I doubt it. Sometimes I just get sick of the same hair, same jeans with a T-shirt that has different logo but the same cut and fit, same boring shoes or same boring work suit with black shoes. I dress up because its different and fancy. I feel sexier. I feel better about myself. Its creative and fun.

    The only thing I wish I had was some other friends who I could do it with. It kinda gets lonely when you can only dress up at home alone because people think that I have some kind of mental disorder. I’m pretty clever really. Although I think it would sometimes have been better if no one knew about it all. I feel like people avoid hanging out because I Xdress.

    I’m not ashamed deep down. Xdressing really boosts my self esteem and makes me feel good. But on a social level I feel a bit crap that people don’t feel comfortable with me dressing up. So it kinda cancelled out that good feeling I get sometimes.

    Melody ♥

  21. Dory 9 August, 2012 at 23:47 Reply

    Ashamed…I admitted to myself and my wife tonight. I came out to my wife about a year ago and she has been struggling to accept my dressing, trying to understand, and trying to accommodate my needs. But she still doesn’t understand the “why”. And even I can’t explain it fully. It just IS and is part of me now. She has been supportive so far and I dearly love her for being there for me but I still have apprehension just talking about dressing with her. Our conversation tonight even got me flustered enough that I could not talk about it any more with her. I clammed up and she didn’t like that.

    She sees the tension it creates in me, the stress and anxiety. I haven’t been a good parent to my kids nor a good husband to her. She wants me to be happy but I am having trouble accepting who I am.

    I was raised in a catholic household. My parents were not super strict but that ol’ fire and brimstone of hell sure hung over my head about all the sins I am committing and will surely burn in hell come time for my judgement day. Good catholic boys don’t do this. Oh Gawd… wish I could purge those thoughts.

    I also have a bi-curious side. (I have never been with another man) In the few years prior to coming out to my wife I have frequented chat sites for Bisexuals and Crossdressers. I have the desire to meet others like myself. to play and to experiment. But to also ask them the same questions I ask myself… “Why?” and “How do I feel about my self? Do I accept it?” and the ultimate question “Am I gay and do I want to transition?” These questions interfere, at times, with my fantasies. All I want to do is just feel good, enjoy myself living what I feel is me but it acts like a gender issue, pingponging between these two lives of male and female. Is there a way to meld them both together and be happy with the result?

    I am feeling ashamed because I didn’t have the strength to tell my wife about these feelings so long ago, that I was afraid of being rejected, scorned, and outed by those that don’t understand it and feel threatened by me. Ashamed because I feel I have violated her trust and compromised our marriage.

    I am in therapy to help me cope with all this. It has helped but it hasn’t curbed my desire to xdress or to explore my bi side.

    The answer truly has to be that one must face your personal demons and conquer them. Accepting yourself is a first step. Once you can do that then figure out how you want to express yourself. I don’t think you need to be out to anyone but yourself to accept yourself. If you can do that then if someone does find out you won’t be ashamed to admit it. You can clearly and concisely state that you love who you are and you make no excuses for it.

    You must believe you are a good person in order to lose the shame.

  22. sarah 5 August, 2012 at 07:07 Reply

    It’s been a while since anyone posted, so I don’t know if this thread is dead or not, but here goes.
    I don’t exactly know if this is what made me start crossdressing, but a professor at the university I went to date-raped me (I didn’t even know it was a date…long and horrible story) and a few weeks after that I started feeling compelled to explore my feminine side. It started with masturbating with sex toys and has now progressed to spending some mornings totally dressed up in lingerie and heels. I have a fiancee who finds dressing up a turn-on, though I know that if I shaved my body (and face, I’m not remotely passable) and wore makeup and a wig that she wouldn’t be as comfortable with it. We also have two children, and I have no interest in breaking up my family, especially when I can dress whenever I want.
    This is my first post here, and I only decided to answer because I didn’t know the answer to the question. I don’t know if I’m ashamed. “Being” a “woman” for a couple hours at a time is beyond exhilarating to me, but I don’t like how I “have” to do it. It’s not like another sexual fetish because I really can’t choose to do it or not. I sorta have to, at least occasionally. Then there’s always the problem that after I orgasm as a woman I can’t strip off my clothes fast enough.
    I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but if you have any tips on how to embrace this half-and-half lifestyle I’d love to hear it. Thanks for reading.

  23. Katie 4 July, 2012 at 09:49 Reply

    I suppose I’m more fortunate than many here as my wife has been 10000% supportive. Even though the first time I wore clothing designed for females (I really don’t like the term cross-dressing was as a pre-adolescent and a little as a high school kid, that whole part of me was dormant until she brought it out. She loves it and really wants me to go out whole-cloth so to speak.

    I do try to go as far as I can wearing underwear daily and very conservative attire that gives me an androgynous look, which has worked out very well for me even though my job involves lots of public interaction. The only thing is that people equally call me Ms. and Sir. Whatever comes up, I play to that! I’ve been mistaken for female for years without even trying based on my physical build alone.

    I’ve got it so down to a science that almost all of my clothing is actually female but none of it screams it and so I’m never concerned. I do have great 100% female attire, but it mostly remains for the home, and for a future time when we vacation in a far off area where I wont run into family.

    When it does comes to family, I always keep a box of absolute guy clothes on-hand because this isnt something I want to have to try to explain, and it would be awkward.

    So I dont see myself as ashamed, just aware and judicious.

  24. terrieann sexton 23 May, 2012 at 19:26 Reply

    i am with vanessa, crossdressing has made me a better person. I denied it in myself for years which made memiserable and, conseqently, a bad person. I was not a good husband(thogh a decent father(, worked in a profession I hated, and was very unhappy. This actually contributed to a couple of heart attacks. When I was recuperating, I began to explore my feminine side. It started with fantasies and excursions onto the internet where I found this website, What a revelation! I wasn’t alone and I wasn:t a freak.

    I quit my job in business, began working in social services helping others.and became a more caring and sensitive person. My wife, who hates crossdressing, likes me more and gives me a couple of nights a week to indulge my inner woman. we just don’t talk about “Terrieann”.
    This isn’t ideal, but so far it’s working for us. The best and most important thing is I finally ;ike myself after all these years. That’s worth almost any price.

  25. Paul 6 May, 2012 at 15:17 Reply

    To me crossdressing is broad term I think this because I am not into dressing fully as a woman. My desire is lighter terms, in the past I have only dressed in women wear lingerie, nylons, panties, sexy wear top’s etc… The fact is no matter how much or how little a man dressing as a woman people can’t accept it some won’t even try.
    I have hid it all from my family I have only told or shown only a few friends who understood and accepted this part of me. 2 years ago I have come out to the most important one in my life, My WIfe. Our sex life always was Fantasticly amazing, we were soul mates on every level of our relationship. I thought I could came out to her about me being bisexual, tell her how I wanted to dress in women lingerie. I have tried to tell her that I have already I think she knows but none of it went well at all. A total disaster, a complete train wreck, ripping of hearts out, killer of my soul. I feel so ashamed of myself, totally humiliated. She at the time did not understand, did not even try to understand or hear about any of the why? or how I felt. Once months past things calm down a little she start to open up try to understand it. At times things feel ok, she does understand a little better now, can’t say she accept it any of it, but we don’t fight about it, we don’t talk about it, we don’t bring it up, our sex life is just about gone. So she act like everything ok will admit we have a problem and we do nothing about it. It seems like she just wants it to go away which it all has in way cause we just don’t bring it up or have sex as long as it’s not here it’s ok. Our marriage, friendship our love has never been the same I blew up our life. We love each other no doubt but our relationship is no the same fear it well never be. We have a stressful life, we own our own business raising 3 kids we work hard long hours I find escape threw many things one like sex, cross dressing, kinky sex cross dressing, lite S&M etc it lets me escape my stressful life to be almost out of body place in my mind. All I desire is to do with her ONLY, never wanted to cheat, fulfill my desire with her even the crossdressing her using a strapon when I dress the part. She find other things for herself, her not know exactly what they are cause she says she has no need to escape or what do I have, she has more than she will admit. Seem for me it’s more of a desire now cause of all my extra stress with our marriage and life together. I have read and read and read all I can to yes find a cure and now I know there isn’t one, but what you said in the atricle for me to accept me is the most important. I can’t even do that, I try hard to hide the desires for all my sexual desires not just in crossdress, slipping on a pare of nylons before work,, LOL so funny and turnon, but NOW I get so humilated and ashamed of myself for even thinking it.

    How do you accept who you are, when you can’t be who you are?

    I looked at it as something my wife and I could share my deep dark feelings, secret I could share with her, I feel could be the who, the what I am with the one who loves me for ME not to judge but to be loved and HELL have some fun with her with us.
    It all blew up in my face…

    the word Ashamed is not enough for how I now feel now, the day I remember well when she first found out
    “Dressing up in lingerie I CAN’T do that with you, I just Can’t” with a snarl on her face a sense of being repulsive, I never felt so humiliated in my life.. she can’t approach things very well. When I told her about my bisexual side in the years before her, I should of told her to give her the choice to be with me or not.

    here we are some men trying to pretend we are women, a fantasy in our minds and hearts, bringing out the feminie side of ourselves for all the reason in the world…. But we can’t figure out a woman. we are mostly humiliated and ashamed when our wife can’t figure out the WHY we do it,,, why it’s enjoyable for us… we can’t figure out them either but we are trying to be a woman like them,,, over all it’s really funny LOL

    the hurt and shame I feel now because something I would enjoy, have fun with to share a deep desire with the one person in my life I thought I could, my wife, would she even find the laughter, see the fun and joy I would receive and share with her. But my desire just became a curse and it just got worse by confiding in her. I still have strong feeling of wanting to cross dress share with my wife sexually how do I make that go away. As a man, husband and a friend I could of pick a much worst part time hobby
    shame fully me

  26. Linda 28 April, 2012 at 04:59 Reply

    In a way, I guess I am ashamed of my feelings toward being a cross dresser. I have struggled with this for over 40 years. That’s a long time. When I was young I really beat myself up over my feelings. It started from my very first cross dressing experience when I was 17. What a great experience I had, but I had sooo much guilt afterward.

    After that, I had so many anxiety attacks that it’s a miracle that I made it through college. I kept having these problems with public speaking — here is how it went — as soon as I would get in front of a class I was sure I would have an anxiety attack, because I had this vision that I would pass out and tell everyone that I was a cross dresser. But that never really happened, I just stressed over it.

    So now I still have the same desires to cross dress. This does not go away. The only thing I can say is that the desire has never gone away. And I don’t think it ever will…

  27. annatoni 15 April, 2012 at 00:15 Reply

    I would dress full time if i could , i am Bi & would prefer to be a girl , i dont suffer from guilt but only dress in private as i dont wish to cause my wife any distress ,she knows & says its ok but am still too shy to come out fully . I was born into a very straight working class family & in a homophobic culture, & have lived my life in fear of being found out , i realise what this has done to my state of mind over the years , if i could be young in the world as it is now i would be out & proud , .

  28. Tammy 10 April, 2012 at 22:07 Reply

    You wemon that are worried about your men. Trust him help him and if he loves you he well be there for you as a man when you need him. I don’t think he is gay. If he just does it at home it is a feeling that relaxes us it feel good. You must know you ware the clothes all the time. Or is it you wemon don’t want to share with us or your partners. I bye my own clothes and I feel good in them.
    So you dated us and you trusted us to marry us then trust us that we are not going to do anything gay or anything that would be against your trust.

  29. Tammy 10 April, 2012 at 16:17 Reply

    First of all it is a feeling we all have that leeds us up to crossdressing. I’m not ashamed of being a crossdresser. I enjoy doing it. I like the way I feel when I dress up and I don’t feel like I’m indecent when I dress. I’m not trying to be something I’m not I just like wearing the clothes. They feel good. I feel more relaxed in the clothes. I also do my House work dresses up.
    Now you weman don’t wear skirts anymore and I love them I would ware one every day if i was not branded weared. I have told my wife and she knows I dress and she knows I’m her man when she need me the most. Now I am a man and I don’t want to change this. I don’t see where anyone can lable a person by what he or she.wants to ware. I’m not gay, I don’t have any attraction to other men. I don’t go in public dressed up. I just dress at home. I don’t want to compete with you wemon on dressing you are still the champs. I want to stay a man but I do like to dress as i want with out any lable.

  30. terrie 1 April, 2012 at 07:37 Reply

    I’m not ashamed of who I am, yet I am respectful of friends and family. My significant other, tolerant and ultra liberal in so many ways, loathes cross dressing. Because of that I dress only when she is away…. Lately I have felt more drawn to my dresses, heels and makeup and as a result, more lonely in that I have no one with whom to share this wonderful experience. Websites like this one are a godsend to those of us who derive such a feeling of inner peace and wholeness from such a simple and harmless activity.

    • Gemma 10 April, 2012 at 11:09 Reply

      I have finally told my wife about my crossdressing. The hardest part was admitting it to myself and I feel a weight off of my chest. The hardest part was coming to terms with it myself. I am still not confident enough to go out dressed or raise with other family members bur happy have done so with wife.

  31. Jackie 21 March, 2012 at 05:30 Reply

    I must say like most I (had) the same guilt my mother even told me one time that she prayed that I would feel this and change but that did not stop me well maybe for a couple of weeks it did just before her passing I sat down with her and had a hart to hart talk with her about my feeling and why I do crossdress she understood and changed her ways on top of that when I meet my wife before we went out on any date I told her that I am a crossdresser but at the time only put on nylons well after 5 years one day I got totally dressed up as a street hooker for holloween and loved it all and told my wife how I felt and she was 100% supportive helped me with everything when my kids turned about 16 they found out and were also just as suppotive I cant tell you all how much that support from my family ment to me that type of a woman is one very special person who I loved so dearly untill her passing in 2002 I so much miss her love and open hart and loving me for me .. Yes I went throuight trashing everything 3-4 times hoping that would be the end but no it was not and yes it does get expencive starting ouer again I will end with this I have noticed over the pased 5 or so years that women are now more to except it then 10+ years ago and when you do find that one hold on tight and don’t let her go she is one SPECIAL lady .. Rest in pease my Love we all miss you Jeanie .. xoxoxo .. Your Love Jackie :0

  32. ryanna 7 February, 2012 at 05:14 Reply

    Well as most people here I have been ashamed of it almost my whole life. I have finally come to terms with it and do feel much better about it. It may be strange but I feel a certain comfort when dressed and less stressed out. But what is it all for? It can make you feel very lonely and isolated. No matter what I’d do to stop doing it it doesn’t work so I quit trying to quit. My girlfriend knows and said she doesn’t care but I know she does and it kills me. It sure would be nice to have friends with the same interests

    • Ozzz xxx 7 March, 2012 at 07:17 Reply

      I been cross-dressing for along time. Maybe almost 20 years (or since I was about 5 i guess).

      For ages I was conflicted about it. I actually thought I might be gay because of the cross-dressing but recently found out you can be completely straight and crossdress.

      I didn’t really start telling anyone about it until I finished college. I started to buy alot more girls clothes. In fact I probably own more girls clothes than guys clothes. I usually shop at thrift shops because they have large variety of styles at super cheap prices. I am really proud of my collection. People don’t really care when I stroll up to the counter to buy a skirt or top or heels etc.

      I also have a bunch of make up now and being in to art, its kinda like drawing and painting on your face. Very creative really. There are hundreds of make up tutorials on Youtube.

      I love being able to express myself at partys all dolled up and people always comment and say how awesome the make up is and wonder who did it and where I got my shoes etc.

      Ryanna,
      I think my girlfriend sort of thinks the same thing, she sort of doesn’t care, but I know she would much rather I wasn’t in to it. But I suppose if she goes to a football match wearing guys football uniform then that’s kinda cross-dressing too. In fact when ever I see women in pants I kinda think, hey that’s cross-dressing. I sound sexist, but I think it sucks that guys are really restricted in what they can and cant wear etc.

      I quit cross-dressing for a while but realised I just loved doing it too much to repress it. You only live once as far as I know.

      I keep doing it because I get a buzz out of it. It make me a happier person and you can’t buy that (happiness).

      However, you can pick yourself up a tiny plaid pleated skirt that will always lift your day

      :o)

  33. helen 1 February, 2012 at 08:32 Reply

    I only partially cross dress It gives me a feeling of peace and wellbeing. I started with my mother’s stockings at age 9.I find it hugely relaxing and I do really envy women.I would describe myself as asexual, perhaps with lesbian and submissive leanings.Am I confused ?. Yes very much so.

  34. Stella 22 January, 2012 at 14:00 Reply

    I was raised Catholic so you maybe can imagine the guilt I had through the years. The buying and throwing away almost drove me wacky. Then in 1989 I had a huge life changing experience when I almost died from cancer, after which I took on a totally different outlook. After I had recovered from all the Chemo, Radiation and Surgery I realized the desire to dress was as strong as ever. It was then I realized that what I wore and how it makes me feel has nothing to do with what happens at the end of life, it pretty much evolves around what we have done for others. I have not suffered the guilt since then. I now have a small wardrobe that I keep, and my wife has even come to realize the same thing. It’s a pitty a guy has to almost die to get a little peace, but I believe it was all for a purpose and have come to embrace my crossdressing. There is nothing else that relieves stress and anxiety as well as a nice snug pantygirdle…:-)

  35. Jessica 19 January, 2012 at 16:00 Reply

    jessica i also feel guilty i am a closet cross dresser i have always had this feeling that i should of been female but iam married have kids no one knows and prob will keep it that way when i dress up i go what am i doing but it feels right so i just keep what i am doing

  36. Kayla Roberts 4 January, 2012 at 10:00 Reply

    I couldn’t have said it better than Michelle. She mirrors my feelings precisely. At my particular time in life though, I have finally quit beating myself up over it. I keep it to myself, dress as I need to, enjoy my time with it and then put things away and forget about it until next time. Works for me.

  37. Tammy 21 December, 2011 at 12:39 Reply

    I’m not ashamed of being a cross dresser and I not ashamed of doing things that make me feel good. Every one does things that are partner does not like and there are things we just can’t stop so instead of hiding it from are loved one’s we tell them. Now if they wont to join in with us it is up to them. Every one need there own privet time. So as long as I’m not out hurting anyone or changing this world give me and give your partner there free time to do what ever they want as long as it does not hurt anyone thank you.

  38. mariajo 26 October, 2011 at 14:54 Reply

    hola me llamo mariajo, yo desde los 12 años llevo vistiendome de chica siempre a escondidas hasta que me pillo la que se suponia que era mi novia. tuvimos una discusion muy fuerte, los vecinos llamaron a la poli y fuimos arrestadas y esposadas las dos. al verse esposada se asusto y pidio que la esposaran a mi, al final fuimos esposadas juntas. lo dejamos y yo soy una travesti que esta para operarse

    • terri 17 December, 2011 at 20:31 Reply

      i to have felt guilty about crossdressing and i have tried to stop but it looks like my marriage is over because she hates it espeshally when i go out side ,iwish it didn,t have to be this way

  39. Toni 29 September, 2011 at 15:59 Reply

    I have been a crossdresser since age 16 and it started with my girl friend because she asked if I would wear a dress in a school play that caled for a man to rob a bank dressed as a girl. well I was in love with the girl so I said yes and it changed my life for ever. My mother was a hair dresser and sold wigs so she helped my girl friend with this dressing, for two weeks before the play I walked in hiheels at home at night and in the back yard and I got good at it although I had to buy the heels a size 12 and when the night before we were dressed and ran though the play on stage which I wore a skirt and swetter but I was not ready for the night of the play when the school teacher did my make up and after she was done with the wig she told me I was a good looking ladie and I was hooked for life and my girl friend  wanted to make love that night while I was still dressed and wearing my makeup. we went out a few times together as sisters and I was never looked at and today I still dress when I can and like to meet others that are crossdressers and yes I am married but my wife hates it so like so many others that dress its when the wife is gone and yes I do feel bad but I love her and being 64 years old if you would see my pictures you would love what you see. Toni

  40. Dly645 27 September, 2011 at 05:12 Reply

    Absoloutly not  !!!  I am  proud and  happy to be a  crossdresser,  in addition I am  TG   currently in transition.  I believe with all my heart  being  born  a  CD or  Tg is  both a  gift and a blessing.  Thank   Goodness,  I am not  just a  guy.  Jean Marie

  41. Dly645 27 September, 2011 at 05:12 Reply

    Absoloutly not  !!!  I am  proud and  happy to be a  crossdresser,  in addition I am  TG   currently in transition.  I believe with all my heart  being  born  a  CD or  Tg is  both a  gift and a blessing.  Thank   Goodness,  I am not  just a  guy.  Jean Marie

    • Toni 29 September, 2011 at 15:59 Reply

      I have been a crossdresser since age 16 and it started with my girl friend because she asked if I would wear a dress in a school play that caled for a man to rob a bank dressed as a girl. well I was in love with the girl so I said yes and it changed my life for ever. My mother was a hair dresser and sold wigs so she helped my girl friend with this dressing, for two weeks before the play I walked in hiheels at home at night and in the back yard and I got good at it although I had to buy the heels a size 12 and when the night before we were dressed and ran though the play on stage which I wore a skirt and swetter but I was not ready for the night of the play when the school teacher did my make up and after she was done with the wig she told me I was a good looking ladie and I was hooked for life and my girl friend  wanted to make love that night while I was still dressed and wearing my makeup. we went out a few times together as sisters and I was never looked at and today I still dress when I can and like to meet others that are crossdressers and yes I am married but my wife hates it so like so many others that dress its when the wife is gone and yes I do feel bad but I love her and being 64 years old if you would see my pictures you would love what you see. Toni

    • Chloe 7 October, 2011 at 17:43 Reply

      Like Toni I got my start dressing up for a school play and felt amazing wearing feminine clothing. Since then I’ve been hooked. I love slinky underwear and the feel of stockings on my legs. I only indulge occasionally unfortunately, still fighting the guilt thing. I had a wonderful experience with a professional mistress who dressed me up as a maid with all the makeup and correct clothes and had a great time. Noone else has seen me dressed up. What a shame, I looked so good. Chloe

  42. leannette 23 September, 2011 at 11:16 Reply

    I am not ashamed of being a crossdresser but at 78 years of age I have no chance of passing as a female but that doesnt matter what matters is the way I feel which is completely relaxed and comfortable and happier with myself So I will keep goinmg en femme as lo#ng as  can dress myselif so there LOVE YOU ALL  XXXX Leannette

  43. leannette 23 September, 2011 at 11:16 Reply

    I am not ashamed of being a crossdresser but at 78 years of age I have no chance of passing as a female but that doesnt matter what matters is the way I feel which is completely relaxed and comfortable and happier with myself So I will keep goinmg en femme as lo#ng as  can dress myselif so there LOVE YOU ALL  XXXX Leannette

    • Vanessa Law 23 September, 2011 at 22:44 Reply

      Well said sweetie! It doesn’t matter how gorgeous you are, if you can’t accept yourself you’ll never experience the freedom. So glad that you’ve been able to find it!

  44. phylisanne bernstein 12 September, 2011 at 10:34 Reply

    the miniute i came out and had a makeover at femme fever i never looked back and i have been dressing and going out now for over ten years.love phylisanne.

  45. Vanessa 19 May, 2011 at 07:44 Reply

    I’m 19, and I have been crossdressing since I was 9.  Started out as playing dressup with my 6 y/o sister with my mom’s clothes.  By time I was 12, sis and I were home alone every afternoon  after school, until mom got home.   So I was dressing up every day, even tho moms clothes and shoes were still a bit big for me.   By 15 I reached my mom’s size [size 8 dress and  8.5 shoe] and LOVED it!!    And mom had a closet of old clothes and shoes, & costume jewelry that became “my” stash!  Just the feel of a nice dress, a bra, and HIGH HEELS!  Call me crazy, but I find them very easy to walk in, and love how my feet look in sandals.   The sis started makeing up my face, and tho it was kinda messy, I looked real nice.   By 17, I realized i was soooo hooked on crossdressing, and I needed to make a decision, as mom still didnt know.
    One snowy Saturday sis and I tell mom we have a surprise.   The day before I had shaved my legs and polished my toenails, and bought a wig at Goodwill.   We go to sis’s room and I get all dolled up – nice floral print dress, knee length, sandalfoot  pantyhose,  and strappy 4″ heel sandals.   Sis did my makeup, and I polished my nails.  Some jewelry, my wig and I was ready!!    Sis comes out and makes an announcement, and I make my entrance, like walking the runway.  My mom looked VERY surprised as I said, ‘Well, how do I look?”   It just felt so right!!
    Long story shorter, mom tells me to get into my clothes, and I’m begging her to let me stay dressed.   We have a long talk, and she says she had a feeling I was wearing her old clothes, but had no idea how long or to what extent.  She said my level of how normal I acted in her clothes, and how well I walked in heels gave it away.  I admitted how long, and that  it was everyday.    I told her how important it was to me, and how I loved it so.   What helped was that I was an honors student, never in trouble, and did all my chores.  Mom consented to let me dress whenever, as long as I never embarrassed the family.    I now have my own female undergarments, and I’m buying more age appropriate clothes.   I wish sis was my size [she’s close], cos I’d have even more clothes to wear.   Mom still chuckles that I do 4 or 5 hours of housework in heels – and I’m only too happy to do more than my share of the chores. 

  46. Nikki 30 October, 2010 at 09:18 Reply

    Hi i am a crossdresser in my late 20s and have beenig doing so for a long time, and found it very differcult at first to understand why i did so and i could not come to terms with it as i thought that it was wrong but the only thing i found was that it is not socially accepted by may people. but after building up the courage to tell mt parents( which was very hard to do) i found my father was "cool with it but my mother was not, "strange", I then went on to tell my closest friends and to my surpise they were all very supportive but i still felt alone in the world and so i started to find out more about why i was like this and after much sudying on the subject and reading a lot of articles i found out that many men and women do it. And alot of the time it is a comfort thing. After coming to terms with the way i was i found dresssing up allowed me to destress from the very stresful job that i have.

    • Nikki 30 October, 2010 at 09:18 Reply

      I now have a loving and caring wife that understands and helps me with picking clothes and make up out for my self. I am now happy with my life and have now shame or guilt about what i do and i enjoy sharing teh experience with my wife as we make a thing to so on a weekend its are "girlie night in" Good luck to all of you and i hope you find happiness like i did. there is nothing you can do about it, it all happens at during the brain development before you are even born. (there are many studies on this subject) Nikki x x

  47. Amy 16 October, 2010 at 16:20 Reply

    Hi, my name is Amy. I have been dressing up since I was a little boy. My Mother was trying to make up for my being born with a deformity and subsequent weakness. The funny thing is that even as a young boy I loved dressing up. I am now in my 50's and am married to a wonderful woman. I always dress up when at home and don't even own any male undergarments. We venture out sometimes though I am always afraid of the potential ridicule. I ran across this site quite by accident and was inspired to share. God Bless You and Yours, Amy

  48. terri 4 October, 2010 at 16:05 Reply

    i have come to realize that my crossdressing is nothing to be ashamed of, that there is nothing wrong with me or others who engage in this liberating activity. My wife hates it, she is a very accepting & tolerant woman, except when t comes to crossdressing. I only engage in it when she is away and usually only at home. As I have become more proficient in dressing, hair & makeup, I have begun venturing out. The freedom of being who I really am is intoxicating. I have come to the point that if my wife gave me an ultimatum, I would choose to be who I really am. So, I am not ashamed of crossdressing, contrarily, I am now proud that I have accepted myself and am no longer bound by somwone else's mores.

  49. carla 11 September, 2010 at 22:00 Reply

    I’m a crossdresser too and I’m marrie, I feel bad every time I doit to but
    Is just something that you can’t control I wish I could.

    • Vanessa L 13 September, 2010 at 19:54 Reply

      Hi Carla, I know this is a tough situation – so many of us have struggled against who we are. It's a long road to acceptance hon – I pray that your journey takes you there.

      Hugs,
      Vanessa

  50. Melissa 21 August, 2010 at 13:28 Reply

    Shame is something everyone of us cross dressers have had to deal with. I am 54 years old and I have been cross dressing mostly in secret since the age of 4. The most shocking thing was I never fully understood why and I was never able to stop. It took me months of therapy to realize that I was transgendered and that I had nothing to be ashamed of. Dear ladies, odds are you were born this way and the reasons for your behavior are probably rooted in your biology. This means you are not really cross dressing but merely dressing the way you feel you should be. We are all human beings and have a right to live and exist even if society does not approve of us.

    Ladies, throw the guilt and shame out the window. We didn't ask to be transgendered. It happened through circumstances beyond our control, most likely at birth. I look at my life and successful career and I realize that society should be ashamed for the way they treat us. Join a support group and get help from others just like you. I treasure and love my friends that accept me as transgendered. For those that do not, they probably aren't worth my time anyway.

    Accept what you are and embrace those feminine feelings.

    With Love,
    Melissa

  51. JayJ 14 August, 2010 at 15:00 Reply

    As an online seller of womens sexy plus size clothing. I am both proud and honored to say that more than 60% of my buyers are men who dress. I love the idea that they feel free enough to email me for help in selecting items. More exciting is that many couples are now buying, women for themselves and ALSO for the husband.

    I've always kept my auctions private for my male buyers' discretion yet wish that this need not be the case. As I support them, I wish that all could as well.
    Today's community should be at a place where all is excepted….no? We as supporters will wait for this stigma to slow and for our boys to shop & wear proudly :)

    Both my male partner and I are here to answer any questions we can (from a fashion prospective) in helping you to embrace your sexy, finding the right look and size, flattering every shape, etc.

    Please don't be ashamed…….we as women are flattered that you enjoy our styles, our cosmetics, our femininity, our sometimes "less than perfect shapes"…LOL.
    You flatter us. We embrace you.
    LUV & HUGS-
    JJ
    at SEXY-THINGZ

    • Josephine Shaffer 5 September, 2010 at 20:01 Reply

      JayJ There is a lot that i am proud of is that i can enjoy is buying women's clothing, and wearing them i can also say this i am not ashamed of crossdressing as a Girl either i would rather female body like i wanted when i was a 10 year old boy i just wanted to be a Girl that's all i ever wanted since childhood.

  52. Chris 25 July, 2010 at 05:29 Reply

    Part 3
    Reading the posts on this site show a spectrum of "Girls" here that ranges from perfectly accepting lifestyle with people who love and support to enraged hurt women who rightfully feel betrayed by the long (or short) term deception to the unsure timid, scared newcomers to even those like me (maybe a little younger) who just don't wuite feel OK with it. I think if there is shame on my part it may just be feeling as though I have failed to live up to my perceptions of what is expected of me as a man, a Marine, a husband, a father, a boss, etc. How many people would be let down or just negatively affted by this in my life? How do I continue to garner their respect while I continue to do things that do not meet society's accepted behaviors. My solace is that I know I am not alone. I appreciate having the opportunity to "vent" if for no other reason that to get it off my chest. Thanks you for this opportunity to express and be heard.

    • Vanessa Law 26 July, 2010 at 01:02 Reply

      Thanks you for sharing Chris, and thank you for being part of the community. It's always a blessing to hear from thoughtful and loving people like yourself.

  53. Susan Veronica 16 March, 2010 at 21:23 Reply

    Ashamed? Why?

    I am an unemployed girl with luck running out and with time going so fast and so much to do, I am unable to post as much as I would like to. But here are a couple cents worth of good common sense this ashamed issue.

    In the Bible and I’ll look into it hopefully I’ll find it, God said to one of his prophets when he stepped out of line; ‘If you want me to listen to your prayers, shake up you skirt.’ Is that indicative of the fact that in the old times skirts were for men? The ancient Greeks had three fashions, one for males, one for females and one was gender neutral, more like pants for women today. The folklore of many Eastern European nations shows man wearing short skirts over a long legged pant. Climate and geographical conditions also influenced fashion. If you lived in Greece or Italy, a man wears skirts, if in Scandinavia he would wear trousers.

    Then, what’s a man jacket or a rain coat if not an altered short or long dress? What’s a summer short pant if not a two legged skirt? And isn’t that tights or a control pantyhose good for varicose in preventing it?

    The crossdressing was not, and is not tolerated by God, if you want to extort some privileges you don’t deserve, or for criminal reasons such as;
    Eliciting sex with a man unaware that you are not a woman while pretending to be a one.
    Dressing as a woman with the intent to kill someone and throw off the trail of justice.

    The only way I am ashamed of been a woman is only if I dress looking like a dirty whore while heading off to the restaurant. I’ve seen examples like that or even minor ones like the guy has a five o’clock beard, not just a shadow and yet wears a dress, has a man hairdo and sports a blatant Red lipstick. Go figure, right?

    I have also had the idea that a wife should know of my feminine side before she says ‘I Do’ and not after. I am not married likely because of it, still looking, but at least I don’t have the problems which comes along with hiding.

    I wish we would have a post for people like me looking for that understanding genetic girl for a partner, one for us to socialise on the web and one about jobs, given the economy. We could exchange e-mails too.

    And finally, the reason I think ladies have a hard time with crossdressers is because they’re perceived to steal their identity and doing so in stealing what’s convenient, comfortable and easy, but not the hard parts like pms and childbearing. Let’s face it, men have it easy, that’s why we don’t get the part for example, where it takes her an hour to look at her best when we do it in five minutes. And I’ve seen women who just went out dressed like ‘right after washing dishes and taking the garbage out’ to say it politely and I didn’t wanted to take a look at them even as a male.

    I wish we would wear the best outfits all the time even in menial tasks, but oh well…

  54. Karen 16 March, 2010 at 07:50 Reply

    I’ve Loved my feminine part of me for a long time. I have asked myself why I do. At first (when I was younger) I thought it was comforting. As I got older I thought it was a sexual kick. Now I realise it is who I am. I used to buy false breasts or padded bras. About 8 Months ago I saw a web site for natural breast breast growth for men. I started taking the herbal treatment. The results are fantastic. Not only do I feel better and look a lot more feminine, but when I have to go out as a man, I now feel as a woman in mens cloths I say to you all Be proud of who ever you are Love Karen

    • Carol 16 March, 2010 at 08:58 Reply

      Hi Karen. I know just how you feel. 20 years ago I found a doctor who helped me with hormones. I was on them 3 years and grew fine breasts. I then went off of them until about 6 months ago. Now that Im in transition, I have an understanding doctor, who really is helping me. Its great to touch there, and grab a handfull of boobs! I havent worn falsies for 20 years. Im so proud of myself. Being helped by a professional really gives great results. You might go to your MD and explain who you are, and he or she might help you. Its worth a try to do it really right.

  55. Robert 10 March, 2010 at 07:25 Reply

    No Vanessa I am not ashamed of my crossdressing, a little nervous at times, but not ashamed. You see I feel my crossdressing is an extention of my true self. Yes I’m a male, but so what. I see nothing wrong with men or boys wearing dresses or skirts. I love the feel of the clothing. Most of mens wear is scratchy and course, I have always liked softer things. I hated jeans as a boy and still do today. I don’t even own a pair of jeans. During the winter I wear sweats if its to cold.
    Dresses and skirts are also more comfortable, and it doesn’t matter about the time of the year. I only wear panties of either nylon or silk, none of those horrid bunching boxers or rash causing white briefs.
    See being transgendered I get to explore my entire being. At times there is reasons for masculinity and at others femininity. I believe that on the day God rested he created us, a combination of what God truly is. Neither male or female with all its rigidity, but a person who cry at times and still be strong, a person who can sense the flowers instead of just seeing them. Being transgendered is not something to be ashamed about, but something to enjoy to the fullest, as you are more godlike then others.

  56. Joleen 4 March, 2010 at 02:24 Reply

    I too, enjoy my crossdressing. I have been doing so for years, on and off since I was around 9. As with many others, I had to keep it secret.
    Its not a fetish for me ! I have always enjoyed wearing womens clothing even as a toddler of 4. But as i got older, had to keep it secret. All through my life when I would look at another woman, I would wonder what her dress or outfit would look like on me? one day, while driving to go bowling with my girlfriend (now wife) I passed a girl walking along side an overpass in a nice dress. My girlfriend kind of smacked me on the leg saying something about looking at other women. I told her i was actually looking at her dress but she didnt believe me. the fact was, I really was looking at her dress and wishing I could wear it as well. Anyway, years later and after retirment from the army, decided to tell her about my desire to crossdress. At first, she seemed confused but let me try it (got the pink fog then) and went a little to much , to soon, I guess. Now she wont tolerate it. Anyway, Do I feel ashamed of crossdressing? No, I dont. But have to go behind her back to even underdress. feel ashamed of having to be deceitful of her as I love her, but she told me not to long ago that she cant handle it. do know that if she found out i was still wearing womens clothing, she would at the least, move out of our bed room and possible ask for a divorce. Am I being selfish in my desire to crossdress behind her back? Is she being selfish by not even trying to let me dress, even with conditions? I dont know? I do know I love to crossdress, its a pleasure for me, feels more natural to me than t-shirt and jeans. I am not ashamed of dressing, just doing so behind her back. Wish I didnt have to.

    • Carol 4 March, 2010 at 06:50 Reply

      Joleen. Are you sure its not a fetish? It may be that she thinks it is. If she believes your getting gratification out of it, the corssdressing is essentially replacing “her” in her head. So sit down and talk to her. No not made up, and in a dress or whatever, but just one on one and see if that dosent help. Calmly is the way. if not, see a sex tharapist, your feelings are not going to change, but you may be able to change her attitude with professional help. Carol

    • Hannah 4 March, 2010 at 07:53 Reply

      Hi Joleen… I would try to introduce your wife to support outlets such as a book on the topic of crossdressing or find a local support group for women, wives, and girlfriends of Crossdressers which can be found here on this site. I can relate to your story although I find it much easier to share my crossdressing hobby with women upfront from the beginning. I realize you are married and it past the beginning stages of meeting your wife so I would try to show your wife some online information about crossdressing or pick up a book at your library such as “My Husband Wears My Clothes” which is a very educational and enlightening book for women, wives, and girlfriends to read. Many wives will soon realize that there are many benefits to being married to a crossdresser when there is balance in the marriage and that crossdressing doesnt dominate the relationship. Many wives have made testimony to state the blessings that crossdressing has brought the the marriage. Best wishes…

    • Carol 4 March, 2010 at 10:03 Reply

      Joleen….So if she found you wearing femenine things she would divorce you? Thats serious stuff. Your not going to change, and shes not……… but to put it in perspective, what if she started wearing jockey shorts and muscle shirts, and cut her hair short, and wore boy shoes and jeans. BOY jeans. That would raise your flag. Iff you see a sex counselor apprised of such issues, and there are plenty of them, she will find theres nothing to fear, importantly coming from a third party. It will be worth the money. Check occasionally for those combat boots under her side of the bed! Good luck, Carol

  57. Patty 28 February, 2010 at 08:57 Reply

    I am so conflicted. I feel so good dressed and I also feel so ashamed. I am wearing panties, hose and slip under my clothing and I love it. I do not desire any one other than my wife but am so afraid to tell her my desires. She already thinks I am gay (am not) and has kicked me out of bedroom. I am just a guy who loves dressing. I cannot “pass” nor do I really want to be a drag queen. On top of that I am clergy which realy makes everything harder. I would love to meet a local man/woman who I can talk with!

    • Shannon 4 March, 2010 at 09:23 Reply

      I feel ashamed because i have never been able to come forward and admit my femme side to my wife of 11 years. I have gone out in public dressed and frequent a cute shop in which the sales ladies are always helpful/ understanding and they even let me try things on. I come home and I’m ashamed that I have this secret since I know you should never hide things when starting out a marriage. Well I did and I rationalized I could stop dressing ……..well that never happened! I want to tell her but feel there is so much risk and I therefore always chicken out. I am 5 foot 6 inches tall and at 135 lbs I find the hardest thing for me to do nowadays is to stay away from my wife’s clothes for fear of discovery. On top of all of this we haven’t had sex in over 2 years yet I indulge myself privately which makes me feel even more shamed. I fear she will get a boyfriend if she hasn’t already because she could easily find one. She looks so cute going to work every day and secretly I find the idea of her with a real man tantalizing.
      Thanks for listening.

  58. vickie 2 February, 2010 at 19:51 Reply

    Hi!
    I’ve been crossdressing since I was 8 years old, I’m 55 next month.
    I”m married and have 3 wonderful children. I think my wife knows I crossdress, it’s hard not to notice her husband likes to wear short shorts made for women and has shaven legs. I have been seen dressed in short skirts and shorts in my home town and have never been ridiclued, I’d like to believe I can pass as a women (since no real man would be caught with smooth legs) right?
    How I hated winter since I couldn’t go out dressed and was too cold for me, but then as my female boss at work said “I had a EURIKA” moment, I don’t have to wear skirts or shorts, I can dress in jeans and shirts for women and wear my nice lingerie under it all!
    I don’t know why i never had tried this before and now I spend my winter strolling in the mall looking at all the nice jewlry and ear rings. No one notices my makeup or my mascara, my new watch…I feel so alive, I wish i could tell my wife, she might even enjoy walking together with her husband.
    Oh how I wish she would one day just come up to me and say “let’s go to the mall and get you some nice shoes or just go out as Vickie”
    Someday…maybe…before it’s too late…for both of us…

  59. gail 26 January, 2010 at 18:33 Reply

    The question of whether or not cross dressers are ashamed is a very good one, and one that doesn’t yields easy answers.
    A couple of points:
    MTF cross dressing is still unacceptable to very large segments of society.
    As women gain more and more economic and social clout this resistance could very well lessen as it could be seen more as a natural imitation of power, and not classified as a perversion, a fetish, or down right silly in much the same manner FTM cross dressing is seen today. In fact, although somewhat exaggerated, over time it’s easy to imagine MTF cross dressing becoming more acceptable than FTM cross dressing.
    MTF cross dressing engenders a stew of emotions, with fear, humiliation, joy, and pride among others boiling just below the surface. Add to this mix a strongly erotic component, and what floats to the surface, depending on the the current environment, can be at times very appetizing, but at other times quite over cooked.
    In short the shame felt by cross dressers, at least by me, is for the most part fleeting, quickly replaced by joy, pride, and a various assortment of other, sometimes conflicting, emotions, but always accompanied by an overlay of eroticism.

  60. Holly 26 January, 2010 at 14:28 Reply

    Am I ashamed of being a crossdresser? That is a GREAT question, and one that I ask myself over and over again.

    The answer is, it depends.

    Depends? On what?

    It depends on what my mood is that day. It depends on whether my wife and I have had a fight that day, so I’m using crossdressing as an escape from the world for a little bit. It depends on whether I’m feeling stressed out, so dress to forget the stresses of life. It depends on if I’m feeling particularly feminine that day, so dress to express that part of me. It depends on if I wake up and want to feel as womanly as possible that day.

    In other words, it depends on the day/time/place/situation/emotions/etc….

    Society tells us that “real men” don’t wear dresses. But it’s okay for a woman to wear pants and suits, as well as heels and hose.

    Society tells us that a man has to “provide for his family”, “be strict”, “be the disciplinarian”, “be the father figure”, “be the role model”, etc. Male children are also taught not to show emotions, to “suck it up”, to “man up”, that “boys don’t cry”, that boys “don’t wear pink”, etc. So the stereotypical role model of the male in society is basically the big John Wayne tough guy.

    Those of us who do those other types of things, or exhibit those other types of characteristics though, are then labeled as “different”, “queer”, “gay”, “one of them” (whatever THAT means!), etc. We’re raised that way! So even if we have these desires and urges that we don’t understand (I don’t, do any of you really?), we can’t express them or exhibit them, because they go so strongly against the cultural norms and mores.

    Is it any wonder that a bunch of us are conflicted? Is it any wonder that we feel guilt when we dress as women?

    Even if we do it only for ourselves and don’t share it with anyone (a wife, girlfriend, friend), we still have the years and years of cultural conditioning that have shaped and molded our thoughts and behaviors. Whether we realize it or not, we’re a product of our environment to a large degree, so these thoughts will come unbidden to us.

    So the only answer I can truly give is “it depends”. There are times when I dress and I feel wonderful. I feel that I am only a little bit away from that elusive womanly ideal I carry around in my head. The woman that I sometimes long to completely be. I dress and go out in public as a woman, proud in my ability to dress and pass as a woman in public. Not being read, but just being accepted and treated as a woman. I don’t feel guilty then.

    But there are other times when I feel secretive and shy, when I think that no matter what I do or wear, that others are looking at me and know that underneath the dress and makeup, underneath the hair and hose, there is a man. And what “real man” would want to dress and make himself up to look like a woman? And then go out in public??? What kind of man would do that!?! On those days, yes, I feel guilty.

    All of us are complex beings. We all have numerous reasons why we crossdress. And realistically, we probably don’t even understand why we do this (I know that I don’t), but know that this is just a part of who we are, just like having black hair or green eyes. It’s not something we can change (although we try, through purging, through going “cold turkey”, through embracing faith, through 12-step programs, and much, much more). So we are going to feel guilty at times, we’re not going to feel guilty at other times, and sometimes we’re just not going to care…

    We’re men who want to dress like and be seen and treated as women. Is it weird? Yes. Is it “normal”? Who knows? Do I care? At times, yes, at other times, no. Will I change or quit? Probably not.

    I’m a crossdresser. A transvestite. A tranny. A ladyboy. A fairy, a faggot, a queer, and as many other labels as you want to assign to me. But it’s who I am, and I’m proud of myself and I like myself and just wish that I could do this without all of the societal pressure and judgment, just like real women can.

    Real, natural-born, genetic women don’t have to worry about what they wear each day, they just choose their outfit based on what they’re going to do, or where they’re going, or who they’re going with, or what they feel like, or what color happens to strike their fancy that day, or whether they have a new outfit they want to try, or a new pair of shoes they want to wear, or…

    I just want the same freedom and acceptance. I want to be able to decide that today I feel soft, so want to wear a skirt and blouse, and tomorrow I’m working on my car, so will wear jeans. If I want to wear a garter and stockings under my pants and a bra under my shirt because it makes me feel good, I should be able to do so, and not have to worry about what others feel I “should” wear. Or what they think it says about me if I do so.

    I don’t want to have to worry about feeling guilty or not because I crossdress, I just want the freedom and acceptance to do so without judgment.

  61. Molly 12 January, 2010 at 12:06 Reply

    Wow! The exchanges here show how diverse our experiences are living with a common need to be cross dressers and all the other words used to defne trannies.
    I would be a fool not to see the difficulties and hate the bravado some use to diminish the situations so many of us live in. Particularly with the women we’re married to who so often suffer with their perception of what a man should or should not do. So much is of couse determined by what others will think of her if they knew her husband or boyfriend wore femme clothes. I don’t think we touched on that aspect too much in the letterws here. She has to conform and she feels shame when she doesn’t is a large factor. For the women that hold it over us shame on them and that controllying need goes along with other controls we inflict on others in our relationships.
    One aspect that was mentioned was the joy of having someone or someones in our lives who accepts and enjoys us fully. Going shopping with a girl is a blast. To hear: “Sweetie, never. P:ut that skirt down, Here’s what we’re lookign for your girl!” and the fun girls have shopping together is so happy a thing and such a joy.
    Until we actively seek and norish women who enjoy us and play with us and live with us who know how to live we will always live in a society that will make us wallow in uneasiness to some degree or another. It’s scarey for all of us in the beginning certainly was fo rme, but finding ways to have fun with dressing is well worth it. No matter if it is sexual or fashion or a mixure of a lot of things, it’s a joy to have fun dressing if it’s something in your personality. To deny it is a pity.
    Oh, one word about passing. You cannot meet a woman who doesn’t have similar response. No woman is complettly satisfied about how she is put together. We are similar in that. Having your man show through your outfit and make up is just who you are when your expressing yourself. Look around. Most women today cross dress wearing boy’s stuff. I joke that hte easiest way to spot a cross dresser is that he is wearing a skirt. So few women do noadays. Dressing up is ffor ladies and us as well. Women rip off that bra as soon as they get home the same as we do to feel comfortable And what do we do to get comfortable ….We put on gur”s clothes.!!!!!
    Dressing up is fun. Women are accepted in doing that. Men simply aren’t. I concluse that if you could have women in your life to shop with the fnn increases and permits you to enjoy your dressing up times.
    Those sisterw that wish to live 24/7 have the same outlook that all women have. They all dress up and they all dress down.
    For the rest of us enjoy those times you need to dress up and get some people in our lives to enjoy us and allow us to enjoy them more.
    Starting by picking you spots on who you engage is how you gather girlfriends to have fun with your dressing up.
    I knoow how hard it is to get to this point trust me. Always know that denial of yourself is an awful price to pay in our short lives.

    • Racquel Lynn 12 January, 2010 at 14:58 Reply

      So true, Molly! I was blessed to have had such a wonderful and accepting wife when I came out. My ex accepted me completely and was very proud of me. She had no problem with her friends knowing about me. None of it embarrassed her. She knew before we were married and we lasted close to 10 years. We’d go shopping together, sometimes I would be crossdressed and sometimes not, but we always had so much fun shopping together for clothes or anything else. Since the divorce, I have dated a few girls and they have all known and most supported me and were not ashamed or embarrased for their friends and family to know. There were a couple of exceptions. If my ex-wife was at work or something, sometimes one of her friends would want me to go shopping with them. I have girlfriends (just friends) as well as girls I have dated that all loved to shop with me. I am not dating right now, but I do still have girls that I go shopping with. It’s wonderful to have so many friends that support you and I have so much more fun in life hanging out and being myself with them. It does make all the difference in the world. Life is too short to worry what others think about your happiness! Just as it is too short for them to be worrying about what you do in the first place.

  62. Samantha 13 December, 2009 at 02:21 Reply

    I am honestly, ashamed. I keep it a secret from my family. I’m a teenager, a young one at that and for whatever reason when I am in a skirt or panties, I feel…more comftable. I would never wear this is in public (I don’t discriminate, I just wouldn’t want people to know of my “habit”) I am glad to get this off my chest.

    The most I’ve ever worn was a bra and panties, and I do it when no one is home and I am in the bathroom and the door is locked. Thanks for listening, sisters.

    ~Samantha

  63. Yvonne 10 December, 2009 at 21:39 Reply

    I underdress as its the most secretive way to crossdress around work and my family. As I have mentioned before , my wife has a big dislike of crossdressing, specialy by me. I did about a week ago make a mistake. Somehow a receipt from a goodwill stor was found on my living room floor. she dosent shop at goodwill, but sometimes I do and she knows this, she also knows that at times I have bought womens clothing there, well later that day she confronted me with it. I was honest with her, I told her it was a receipt for a half slip, but that I got rid of it, which I did, (it didnt fit). She was upset for awhile, but now is coming back down to earth. I think that she thinks that I still dress but cant find anything substantial such as finding a bra or slip laying around or on me, so while she gets upset at incidents such as the receit she found, she didnt go ballistic. She figures I keep what ever I have at work and has made a comment to that fact but can’t confirm it. I kind of got off tangent here. What I reallywanted to say was “I enjoy underdressing since I cant dress outwardly. I feel good and calm when wearing slips, panties and so forth and It feels nice and feels like they’re the most natural things to wear. I really would like to be able to wear a dress or skirt and blouse from time to time but right now, thats not possible and stay married. Anyway. I love my undies.

  64. Yvonne 9 December, 2009 at 01:29 Reply

    I dont go all the way in dressing. I am what you would call a underdresser. (mostly because if my wife found out I was still wearing womens clothing, even underwear, it more than likely would be ‘curtains for my marriage) so thats one reason I just underdress and then only while at work. But I also enjoy wearing just lingerie under my outerwear. While I have on rare occassion put on dresses and/or a skirt, it is rare, again, given the condition mentioned above. No, I am not ashamed of my crossdressing. I find it relaxing and quite comfortable, even as an underdresser. My feeling is as long as no one is hurt by it, as long as it dosent bother your feelings or beliefs(I am a christian) then I dont feel any shame toward my crossdressing. did the good Lord make me like this? I do not know. But I do know it feels somewhat natural for me.

    • Racquel Lynn 9 December, 2009 at 02:32 Reply

      Yvonne, I think it is a shame that you are not able to at least share this openly with your wife in private at home, she doesn’t know of the closeness she is missing out on, but I understand different situations. It sounds like you are at least somewhat satisfiedand content with underdressing.
      I also am a Christian. I also believe that I should have been born female and am working toward having what I call “Corrective Surgery”.
      I spent alot of time conflicted with religion and my crossdressing/transsexualism. It came down to the fact that I had to stop listening to humans and start listening to the Lord himself.
      That is when I started realizing that I was born physically as a male, but knowing that I would eventually become female. I knew since very early in life (as early as age 2 or 3). I have always heard the question that people ask about Transsexuals that pursue surgery “Don’t you think that God knew what he was doing when he made you?” . That question did weigh heavily on my mind for a long time until I Sought Gods answer to it. Then it became clear and God gave me lots of other answers as well. I have had people ask me this question as well since I have come out about my gender idnentity. Here is the answer God gave to me.
      Of course God knew what he was doing when he made me and put me in the wrong body with the wrong physical sex. Just like God knew what he was doing when he created Hermaphrodites who are born both sexes. And if he creates people with both sexes, then why is it imposible to be born the wrong sex?
      But still, God did know what he was doing when he created me as a physical male with a female soul. Because there are things that he wanted to bless me with, experiences that he wanted me to have as a male that I would not have otherwise been able to or allowed to experience had I been born in a female body, but that I would be able to keep these blessings and experiences with me and take them with me in my journey to correct the physical body to match the soul that God gave to me.
      I am not saying that everyone that crossdresses or wants a sex change is doing it out of a plan created by God, but in my case, I believe that it is. I believe that it is Gods plan for me to become female. Of course the mainstream Christianity folks will say that I am only making up my beliefs to suit my lifestyle, or that I am demon possessed, or that I did not get my answers from God, but that I am believing the lies of the devil, but I know in my heart and I have been at peace for many years, both in my crossdressing, my pursuit of SRS and mostly in my walk with God. I do not care if the fools who are spoon fed their religion by man agree with me or not. I know what I have going on between me and God, so what they believe is insignificant.
      And one really cool thing that happened…. At my brothers church, I think they believe I am gay, although I do not have any attraction to men at all, but I am a very outspoken supporter of Gay/Lesbian/Bi/trans equal rights. Also, although I have never went to that particular church dressed completely as female, I have sort of crossdressed in that I sometimes wear clothing that is womens clothing, but is borderline feminine and rock star. lol
      I have also had permanent make-up, so I always have lipstick and eyeliner on no matter what. (they think if you crossdress you are automatically gay. lol So what? If I could just be gay instead of transsexual, then life would have been alot simpler!)
      So anyway, my brothers church, although they welcome me, many of them, including the pastor, are very homophobic. And Occasionally, in the sermons, I will hear a few things that I believe are being directed toward me. I, of course, forgive them for they know not what they talk about.
      But one day in particular, I got a bit of a shocking, yet pleasant surprise.
      During the pastors sermon, he was bringing up crossdressing. He was talking about people coming to him with different things that they freak out about that they shouldn’t worry so much about and one of the things was (Again, got a feeling they were talkking about me) about some people running up and telling him about some guy in church that was wearing make-up and what should they do, etc.
      He said to welcome them. And then he started talking about the verse in the bible that talked about “It is a shame for a man to wear the clothing of a woman or for a woman to wear the clothing of a man”. I have heard that one before and was thinking to myself “oh boy, here we go again!” but then he told everyone to read that real closely.
      He pointed out that it said it is a “Shame” and that it does not say it is a “Sin”.
      I was wondering if this guy actually was standing up for me in some small way. I still do not believe that my dressing as a female is a sin or a shame. I believe that I am dressing in the appropriate clothing to match my soul. I feel I am crossdressing and being dishonest and decieptful when I am dressed as a male.
      So, while I may still not totally agree with what he said, I’ll take it the way he said it! lol Not very often a deeply old school religious homophobic preacher will even give you that much.
      I was seriously getting ready to walk out because I thought I was going to be hearing alot of the same old stuff by people that are not smart enough to educate themselves on a subject before speaking on it.
      I am glad I bit my tongue long enough to hear all of what he had to say.

      So, I am not sure what answers you will find, but for me, the answer is YES, the Good Lord did make me this way, but he also is making the way for me to change according to his plan.

  65. Patti 28 November, 2009 at 07:44 Reply

    Ashamed? Nope… Last night my wife and I went to the Holy Grail of Femininity with me dressed as Patti to Victoria’s Secret to look for bras for both of us. Unfortunately, they did not have something in my size at VS, so we went to the second Holy Grail of Femininity… Frederick’s of Hollywood to buy me 2 brand new Extreme Cleavage Bras.

    The girls at either place did not even remotely suspect or if they did, they were EXTREMELY professional about it.

    • Jessica 28 November, 2009 at 07:56 Reply

      A little trick I have for vickys bras. As im a 40b and they dont carry sizes like that is i get a 38 b and use a bra extender i usually cut down and die to a similar color. Works really well with wonder bra too, only back close though.
      I only wish I had a fredricks close enough to go to.

      Hugs

    • Racquel Lynn 28 November, 2009 at 08:54 Reply

      I love both Victoria’s Secret and Frederic’s. Wish I had the budget to go there more often. We had a great Frederic’s here in one mall, and Vcitoria’s in all the other malls for years. Then, out of the blue, Victoria’s opened up in the mall that Frederic’s was in right next door to them. That Frederic’s closed down a couple of years later. I had a really good friend that worked there who lost her job in the process, although she got a really good job offer for upper management at some other major clothing store in the mall after the closing was announced.
      I miss the Frederic’s.

  66. Jessica 24 November, 2009 at 09:48 Reply

    Am I ashamed of being a crossdresser? That is a question I ask myself everyday. They say the average person thinks about sex multiple times a day, I think about who I am, what I like and how i dont fit into society norms (if there is such a thing).
    A little about me. I have been crossdressing since I was very little when my sisters started playing dress up with me. ( which I found made me fell whole). Over the years I have followed typical path of denials and purges. Even though I have never gone out in public dressed. Although I would wear panties to school every so often from about the 7 grade on. I would do alot of baby sitting during high school. and working in a restraunt only male that worked there. I did a stint in the navy and hid in the closet the entire time. I still did baby sitting during and after it. I really think people new more about me than i did. For example once some people i knew were going out of town and asked me to watch their kids. When others asked arnt you afraid of leaving your kids especially your 5 yr old daughter with a man for so long ( 2 weeks) they would reply we arnt leaving them with a guy we are leaving them with (insert my name here). I have always been told I have more female/motherly instinct than most genetic females.
    When my wife who was still active duty asked me to quit work and become a house dad/wife after the birth of our 3rd son I agreed. I have more patience than she did and was triing to support her decisions. Did she know about my interest? I had play dressed for her but not to often as I thought my feelings were wrong, ( society growing up rules). I had always done more to take care of the children so to me it was natural. Life was going good at least i though. After I found out she was sleeping around and had gotten pregnant by another guy. Only thing i could do was withdraw into my self meaning, I hate to put it this way, was to let Jessica come to the surface. I have always found in time of conflict she is a temper nutrilizer. For example when i was told she was pregnant by another my thoughts were to kill her and him or just leave and disappear ( which i could never do to my kids). So i told her about me and allowed my feminine temperment take over. After she terminated the pregnancy which i had to take her to do, i caught her talking to the guy again and was told that she and him had made up and had a special relationship that would never be broken. She was accepting me as Jessica and said she had always had an idea about me. Her behavior hasnt changed and she is still out sleeping around and has completely ignored me and the kids now for a couple of years. She has been pushing the divorce back till she retires in feb of 2010. The kids are now school age I have been a homemaker for 8 years. She is living with 2 guys and hasnt touched me in 2 years and expects me to believe nothing is going on. ( I must have dumb blonde tatooed on my forhead).
    But Ive gotten way of topic. Am I ashamed of being a crossdresser.
    Yes, as i feel that it had alot to do with the down fall of my marriage. Wether it is because I think she has felt threatened by my feminity as she has never been the motherly type, even when i tried to get her to try for her kids. Or wether its because after I told her and would dress (when kids wernt around) and she really saw me as Jessica. I really felt the jealousy from her because she would comment on how good I looked, and then complain how it was wrong that i looked better in a dress we would both try on. Even when i tried to help her dress for her body type. I also hate the lonelyness i feel as I live in Wv and havent really made any friends with like mindedness, it seams all i meat online are just after cyber sex fantasies and thats just not me.
    No. I love the way I feel emotionaly and physicaly when dressed. I love the fact that I am closer to my kids than most genetic males or even my wife will ever be. I think that phycologicaly im a stronger person than most as I am in touch with both sexs. Im a Jack/Jessica of all trades as i can fix a car or build a house, sew a dress and be a mother and father to my kids who are the center of my life.

    • Patti 24 November, 2009 at 11:34 Reply

      Jessica,

      I went through basically what you are going through, except my ex kept our child.

      I totally empathize with you and my heartfelt prayers are with you as you struggle through all of this.

      It’s a tough road, one that we would not have chosen for ourselves. Something that people just do not understand about us is that we’re still human, still have feelings and emotions, that we aren’t just throw-away boyfriends/girlfriends that on a whim we can just up and change the very fiber of our being down the very core of who and what we are. We’re more accepting of people, more receptive to their needs and wants, and most definitely more caring.

      Sadly, we are just seen as freaks and something to mock and laugh at. We have been bullied by societal normalistists and thinking they have something over on us when they actually do not. We tend to be more nuturing and even tend to have a bit higher IQ’s than our genetic counterparts. But, where we lack is mostly the ability to cope with the pressures of who we are brought on by society’s normalacy and the incongruity in our psyche that tends to move many of us to suicidal tendencies.

      We tend to seek out that loneliness and fill it with what we honestly “think” is love when in fact it’s just a fantasized love that we’re leaning on.

      With children in the mix, it is our first duty to protect and love them. That much is true love, and without a doubt that nurturing side totally takes over. But, when it comes to our mate, the one we really want to spend the rest of our life with? In the end, unless it is quite miraculous and dynamic relationship between two people that is totally uncommon, it usually does end up in divorce.

      For many years, I even vowed I would not get married again out of the pain that I went through in my first marriage, now being married for almost 2 years to a wonderful person.

      As much as it pains you, Jessica, you need to let your wife go. It is honestly the best thing. I’m telling you this from personal experience. Move on so you can meet the right person that fits you. If your wife doesn’t want to be part of your life, the children’s live, then you need to focus in on the children and do what you must to protect and love them because they are seriously needing it. And when the time is right, you will know. You will know and meet that person who fits with you like a glove and a hand that fits the glove. Trust me, I know.

      Again, my prayers are with you as you struggle through this. Many hugs!

      Patti

      • Racquel Lynn 28 November, 2009 at 09:10 Reply

        I also miss Goldies Shoe Store. It was the only place in town that would order, and sometimes even carry heals in my size (14W). But a friends told me about sexyshoes.com they have an even better selection and alot of their styles are available in larger sizes. The prices aren’t too bad, some are a little high, and you do have to pay shipping and wait for delivery, but it’s a great site for shoes. They even have some that come as big as 16.

        • Jessica 28 November, 2009 at 09:25 Reply

          oh thats a nice site and the shoes aren’t too expensive either…. I can see where my next few months of clothes/shoe budget will go :)

    • Racquel Lynn 24 November, 2009 at 12:27 Reply

      Patti is right, Jessica. No one deserves to have someone who cheats on them. You should not be ashamed of Creossdressing at all. That is no excuse for your wife to cheat. A cheater is a cheater and she would have cheated even if you were not a crossdresser. She just has very little character. Do not let her use you just to make it to retirement. If that is all she wants you for then let her support herself till then. If that is all you are to her, and she is not at all concerned about your life and what’s important to you, then why waste your time helping her along?
      Find someone who will work with you as a team, as it should be, that you help eachother with life goals instead of being a stepping stone under her feat at the cost of your own happiness.
      You deserve to move on and find someone who loves, cares for and respects you. There are many women out there who are very accepting and supporting of crossdressers. My ex-wife was very accepting of me and had no problem with being with me in public dressed as female. When we did divorce (over money problems), I was depressed and scared that I would never find someone so accepting, but I soon learned that I really had nothing to fear. Most women I have dated since my divorce have been great about it and even loved being with me as the real me.
      I actually found that when I am dressed female, I have alot of women wanting to go out with me and give me their number and they approach me. I don’t have to approach them. When I am dressed male, I only occasionally will have a woman approach me to want to go out with me.
      I even had one girl that I talked to for a while where I worked at. She was a customer. I liked her alot, we talked as friends and got to be pretty close. One day she came in and said “Boys always treat me bad”. I told her “Girls always treat me bad”. She looked at me like she was shocked and said “You like girls? I thought you liked guys?!?!” I told her that I was not gay (unless you considered me Lesbian) and that I am not attracted to men, and yes I do very much love women. She immediately said “Well, in that case I need to give you my number!”

      You can find someone that treats you well and will not cheat.
      You need to respect yourself first. That means not letting your current wife disrespect you and walk all over you. The problem is not your crossdressing. The problem is your wifes low moral character. Do not blame yourself for the terrible way she treats you. If it were not crossdressing, she would find some other reason to use as an excuse.
      Love yourself and respect yourself and then find someone who will also love and respect you. And teach those beautiful children of yours to do the same and lead by example. Yuo don’t want them growing up having to hide what makes them happy and thinking it is alright for either them to treat someone that way or worse that they would think it is okay for some one else to treat them as your wife has treated you. And kids do pick up on alot of things like this that you may not realize.
      You are a wonderful parent and the happier you are, the happier your kids will be throughout life. Don’t feel like you are being selfish to be yourself and to follow your own happiness. You can have your happiness without ignoring the happiness of your children as your wife has done. She is selfish.
      Shine brightly!

    • Vanessa L 28 November, 2009 at 16:55 Reply

      Jessica dear – Patti and Racquel are right. Noone deserves to be cheated on – you shouldn’t blame yourself for your wife’s mistakes. In any marriage both people have a hand it’s happiness or lack thereof, but from your story it sounds like you’ve stood by her while she’s treated you badly. Don’t blame your transgendered nature love – I know many crossdressers who are happily married. And don’t let her make you feel less than a person because of who you are.

      I pray that your family will be blessed in abundance. Hugs
      Vanessa

  67. Tracey 17 November, 2009 at 15:35 Reply

    I know this comment might be slightly different but I felt the need to share my thoughts. I am not a cross dresser I am a straight woman. Recently I met my first cross dresser face to face. It was a business meeting and I had no idea I was going to meet a cross dresser. I met her and new instantly she was a he. I thought to myself I am a pretty open person so who am I to judge. Long story short she has become one of my best friends. We share advice on girls clothes, make up, and even glasses. No one should ever feel ashamed of who they are EVER. God made us all different and no one should question it. I would rather be friends with 100 cross dressers then 1 bigot. Good luck to all of you and be proud of who you are and never let anyone take that away from you.
    Tracey

      • Patti 29 November, 2009 at 14:39 Reply

        I would like to bring up a touchy subject though and it falls inline with this topic. It’s not so much that we’re embarrassed with ourselves as others are embarrassed plenty for us when it comes to employment.

        GG’s are uncomfortable due to the restroom issues and men are men and feeling their masculinity threatened.

        I was told that I had to use the unisex bathroom, even though while living as a woman. It’s a bit humiliating to be told by the boss that you can’t use the restroom. But, state law states that they must provide all employees restrooms. Where I worked, the bathroom was roughly a quarter mile away from where I was working, while GG’s got the use the one that was about 100-feet away.

        Not only is that an issue for employers, but they also do not want to be seen as a “freak” shop either. I apologize now for this next statement… However, there are quite a few of us who, no matter how hard we try, just do not even remotely pass as a GG and being quite obvious. Employers read every line of an application, including the one that asks about which sex you are, which I believe in and of itself is discriminatory, and then seeing a female in front of them when they interview makes them feel very uncomfortable and also not sure what to ask.

        I lived as a woman for about 3-years, and in that time, trying to find employment is VERY difficult.

        The problem is that we are stigmatized by society into believing that we are freaks of nature. No amount of sensitivity training, sexual harassment training or any other kind of training can change the mind of the mob mentality we’re faced with. They have no problems with gays, lesbians or bisexuals, but when it comes to questioning which sex someone is or isn’t, they literally crap their pants because they are not equipped to face and/or cope with the reality of what is sitting in front of them.

        Gender Friendly is a term mainly used for homosexuals, lesbians and bisexuals, which does not include transgenderism (aka, GID (Gender Identity Disorder) or Gender Dysphoria). It also does not include CD’s either.

        We’ve been placed into this stereotype by society from their lack of knowledge and propoganda by media services.

        We truly need more TRUE gender friendly businesses out there.

        • Vanessa L 30 November, 2009 at 23:36 Reply

          Yikes Patti! That’s terrible treatment (though on the bright side I’m sure it helped you get a bit fitter with a half mile to the bathroom and back ;).
          I think there are two things going on – at least in my limited second hand experience of this. Firstly, employers have a legitimate concern about how transgender employees will impact the rest of the workplace and their clientèle. In my opinion this is similar to how people with disabilities or minorities have had to fight for equal rights. When you’re climbing up the mountain it looks steep and rugged, but enough time, persistence and legal transformation can put this on a more positive footing. It won’t be easy. Woman’s lib was decades ago, yet woman are still paid less than men for doing a comparable job. Many people think that racism is a thing of the past, but as our president so eloquently spoke on this issue – it’s still a very real concern that many minorities face today. Corporations are driven by laws that help them work in the best interests of the people. They’re also eager to find the best talent available. At least in some industries (such as high tech), absent laws which force equal rights, many companies have adopted very tolerant and affirming policies. Not because they’re nice, but because if they don’t the highly skilled transgendered woman will go across the street to their competitor. It’s easier said than done, but I think the answer to the first problem is legal advocacy and building our skills so we become indispensable in the workplace.

          The second issue is one of perception. The transgendered have been given a terrible rap by the media, and it doesn’t help that many of our number live hidden and ashamed. These days everyone has a gay friend or family member, but I’ll bet very few people know any crossdressers. It’s not that their friends aren’t crossdressers, it’s just that they’ve never come out – even to strangers in everyday life. The barista who makes your coffee, or grocery checkout clerk probably don’t get an opportunity to see the transgendered being normal – being what most of us are. The only experience they have to go on is the media. The way to change the hearts and minds of people is to proudly go out as who we are. Not just at rallies or protests, but in our day to day lives. I’m also talking to the transsexual who moves on and blends into society – you’re doing your transgendered brothers and sisters a disservice by too easily passing into the crowd – making it more difficult for the next person to have the same rights you enjoyed when you transitioned. I guess my call on the second issue is for all of us – transsexuals, transgendered, crossdressers, whatever – to go about our normal lives as our alter ego. Just once in a while, to show others that we’re good, regular folk to.

          • Patti 1 December, 2009 at 00:01

            I definitely agree that we need to change the perception of who and what we are from being deviant behavior to us being our natural selves like the rest of the population.

            The road is long and arduous, and legislation still has a very long, long way to go to afford us the same equal opportunities that are afforded to others.

            It took me having to dress and act male for me to gain employment. While they look at the application, there sentiment is that they hired a certain gender to fulfill the position. I have ran into this countless times through various employers. I had one even tell me to quit signing my female name because they hired a “male”, not a female.

            While I am not ashamed of who and what I am, I know that I was being discriminated against. They didn’t hire a gender, they hired someone to perform the job and the assigned duties of that position. Yet, this is what companies see. They see gender assignments for employment.

            We definitely need more advocacy for employment of transgenders, transsexuals and crossdressers. We need for society to see us as we present our abilities, skills and talents, not what gender or gender variant we claim to be.

            The problem for us is that we have no real leadership for people like ourselves to lobby for corrective action of employment equality. We aren’t seen as women, we aren’t seen as men and companies haven’t a clue as to truly handle people such as ourselves. There is very little information and no training available to employers for the situations we bring. That, and it costs the employers more money to get trained and educated on people like us that they do not want the extra expenditures of accommodating people such as ourselves.

            Whether or not we will be an asset to the company is outweighed by the cost of proper training and education.

            I have met many others like myself and the people who visit here, and I mean absolutely no disrespect towards our kind, but a lot of employers also see us as highly flaky, not to say we are, but they are questioning the fact that we are confused and how can a confused person about their sexual gender perform up to their expectations. But, how can we perform up to expectations when we aren’t truly given the chance to truly prove ourselves.

            Many like us then choose the best means to support ourselves through starting our own companies, walking the street, taking/selling drugs and other very destructive behavior because a lot do not know any other way to support themselves. Many even end up committing suicide before the age of 30 compared to the other sexualities. Actually, the number is quite staggering of those that have identified as trans. Many, many more have not been identified (or come out of the closet so to speak).

            Our population is roughly near 50,000 for the whole US of those who actually have identified, and at least 3-5 times more that have not.

            With so few individuals who have identified as being trans, there is limited amount of information to be gathered in comparison. Another reason that it is not cost effective for employers to hire is that trans remains the smallest of minority compared to race, homosexuals and lesbians.

            The bottom line is that employers are not trained and are not educated, plus adding in the facts that we’re in the smallest of minority, it just does not pay enough to hire some such as ourselves. Lastly, it’s also they do not have the coping skills to handle situations that come up surrounding us. Not to say that the situations surrounding us are any different than anyone else, but how they see it is their own confusions and inabilities to properly handle situations, even when they are the same as anyone else’s. Bathrooms are their number one concern on top of possible insurance problems and legal action if they do something that will impose upon them to actually do something.

            This is a very deep well that we’re stepping into, and I know for many of us we would not have chosen this for ourselves (yet they like to believe it is in fact a choice).

          • Racquel Lynn 1 December, 2009 at 00:57

            As Vanessa stated, and Patti also touches on a bit, the fight that women had for equality, the fight that people had for racial equality and also equality for the disabled are the same kind of fight we are struggling through except for one thing. We have an extra element against us. That is the perception that people have that our gender identity is a choice. Most people have the attitude that you can’t help what color skin you are born with, if you were born with a disability or cannot help your disability from an accident or disease that you did not ask for, and you cannot help that you were born male or female.

            But they do think that you can help what sex you dress as or identify as. Even some homophobic people learn to accept working with gay and lesbian people on the job once they realise that they are not there to have sex on the job. But a major misconception about crossdressers and other transgendered individuals is that it is a perversion and that we all dress up for no other reason that to be turned on and get our sexual thrills. When you are in the work place dressed as the opposite sex, some will view that as bringing your sex life to work for an extra thrill to get your jollies.
            People need to be educated on the fact that yes, there are people who dress up for no other reason that to get off on it sexually, but there are many others who have many other reasons for dressing as the opposite gender. They need to know that not everyone does it for the sexual thrill, but because that is just a part of who they are inside. A part of them that was born into them that is no more a choice than the color of anyones skin, disability or biological sex. People understand you cannot change the color of your skin, or fix all disabilities, etc., But people expect that you can put aside dressing up, even if they agree that you do not have a choice of who you feel you are on the inside, that it is still your choice of how you present yourself on the outside.
            While it is partly true that we could choose not to dress as the gender in which we truely identify as, why should we be made to feel that we have to deny the person we truely are? Especially when living with that denial is so much more damaging in the longrun, not only to ourselves, but also to many of those closest to us?

          • Patti 1 December, 2009 at 10:19

            The question is, how do we change the mindset and perceptions of those who are totally clueless? Through leadership, creating a known organization who will legislate and lobby for the transgendered/crossdressing communities across the US. We need more education and more training, we need more studies done and much more. In a sense, we need to become lab rats as bad as that sounds, but that is the only way to gather more information.

            On the other hand, we have people like Stu Rasmussen of Silverton, Oregon who gives the rest of us a bad reputation. We have the media portraying us as – sorry to say- freaks. We need honest to goodness people in our community to standup and state things like they truly are and not some preconception by people who choose to base their opinions on what they believe to be the preconceived truth of the matter.

            For a long time I have been a proponent of equality for anyone, but we are at an age now that we have more open-minded people. We still have a long way to go to change the perception that people have.

            Granted, there are those of us in our community who do it for the sexual thrill, but there are many more of us who just wish to live our lives as happy as we humanly can.

            Perception leads to beliefs, so the thing we must do is to change the perception in order to instill belief changes.

  68. emma williams 16 November, 2009 at 07:42 Reply

    I realised that I wanted to cross dress during my marriage , it was watching my wife dress I wanted to join in because it looked fun but I didnt pursue it coz I didnt think she would go for it but then the marriage ended so I tried it & loved it but felt bad so threw away the stuff I had bought & didnt do anything for a couple of years but then I saw a little red dress in a shop window & thought I have to have that so I
    bought it & its grown from there , I have quite a wardrobe now & my own ‘frilly’ drawer that I love , I dont think I will ever fully pass as a woman but I am happy and I am not harming anyone so ashamed no Im not

  69. Sofie 7 September, 2009 at 10:13 Reply

    Hi,

    Just wanted to say to Michelle that she’s not alone. I myself am in the same situation. I also really enjoy dressing up pretty and sometimes it is sexual as well, but sometimes it is not. My wife, also doesn’t tolerate it at all. She thinks that it’s an illness that needs to be cured. I sometimes dress up behind her back, I mostly lie about it until you feel like you have to say something (out of guilt).
    Websites, seen my share of them but it’s hard to find non sexual ones. Lately I’ve been trying to find ones that can help answer some of the questions that I’ve been asking for so many years. Why me? Why can’t I get rid of it? I too feel as though I have no control over myself. So Michelle I can relate to how you feel. I’m following therapy for half a year now. I hope that it’ll help. I’m just worried that there is no cure and that I’ll loose my wife if I try to accept myself.
    I’m also afraid that if I do give in I’ll end up loosing control and that the man in me will totally dissapear. So in the meantime I’m trying to hold on. Most of the times it’s easy but there are moments when you loose control and afterwards you feel so guilty, depressed and alone…
    So to all that have a wife that supports them consider yourselves very fortunate.
    Sofie

    • Vanessa L 7 September, 2009 at 17:11 Reply

      Thanks to all the lovely ladies who have commented so far! Your stories, sharing and heart felt words of encouragement to others are a blessing and an inspiration.

      Nicoletje – I hear that 40 is the new 20. Since I just turned 30 does this make 30 the new 18? (pause, hopefully). I’m overjoyed that you’ve found acceptance for who you are. Better late than never seems to be an overused cliche, but as you know – the acceptance, self love and contentment is worth waiting for. Spending the next 40, 50 or more years of your life happy with who you are is an exciting future!

      Claire, your story of your wife’s acceptance and help bringing out your femme side is wonderful to hear. Perhaps age brings the blessing of wisdom as well, amidst the crash of emotions and confusion it’s hard to believe we’ll ever crest the mountaintop and look back and the beauty our life has become.

      Petra, insightful that both shame and acceptance can live side by side. Thinking about this some more, we do this every day. As an everyday example, one might be proud of your scholastic achievements, but ashamed at your social ineptitude, or some such combination of looking at yourself in a positive and negative light.

      Sofie, many transsexuals share your wife’s view on it being an illness that needs to be cured, though may differ on the specific cure used :) Seriously though, there are many with wives or families who don’t understand or tolerate crossdressing. In general I’d prefer openness, even saying something like, ‘I know you don’t want me to crossdress. I respect your opinion, and that it is right for you. I love you, this is something I need to do for me to be happy. I don’t want to lie to you, or go behind your back and do this. ‘. It’s tricky, because emotions can sometimes get out of control in this situation, but if it’s been months or years since she was told, perhaps openness could help heal her wounds too.

      Sofie, and others – if you find good, non-sexual websites please email them to me (vanessalaw@crossdresserheaven.com), I agree with you that it’s hard to find sites that discuss crossdressing without bordering on pornographic.

      Sofie dear, best wishes as you explore who you are. It’s clear that you love your wife, even as you struggle with crossdressing. You may not be able to control the desire to crossdress, you are able to control at what pace, and how you approach it. If you do lose control, you can make it thoughtful, patient and caring – it just might not be easy to do :)

    • Maddy 8 September, 2009 at 06:41 Reply

      Hi,

      I just wanted to add that, as a newbie to this site (and indeed to visiting forums) that I not ashamed of my crossdressing per se, but when it crosses back into the real world the implications of my ‘habit’ really continue to hit home.

      This happened literally just now, and prompted me to do some reading. I’d received a clothes order yesterday (the internet is wonderful), and was wearing my new outfit while working from home – just a feminine style tee and embroidered cargo trousers. The curtains are mostly closed for privacy as we are overlooked on both sides.

      However, a knock at the door with an important delivery made me flush with panic, as I fumble round to get back into my male clothes. I sign for the delivery, looking suspiciously flustered, and it’s then that I feel disgusted with myself.

      To give some background, I’m lucky enough to have a wife who supports my crossdressing – I told her when we started dating (16), and I’m now 34. I am though, for all intents and purposes, still in the closet, although I have told one or two friends, but kept it vague. I also have two lovely little kids, and I feel that it’s best to keep it a secret from them for now too.

      I suspect my parents know, but it’s never mentioned, just odd snide remarks while I was growing up. On hindsight, there’s only so many times my mums and sisters neatly pressed clothes could suddenly look disheveled and smell faintly of boyhood excitement… ;-D

      I’ve never gone out in public (except in fancy dress which is the PERFECT excuse) – I simply would NEVER pass, and living in a small town, it would prove a big gamble with many consequences. If I could, then yes, I probably would. The fact is, I do still feel isolated, as I don’t know any other trannies, and hence why I’m taking my first few delicate steps into solving this!

      I hope this isn’t too off-topic, like I say, this has been a little out of my comfort zone, but to be honest it has proved cathartic! To conclude, it’s a wonderful blessing and something I wouldn’t (and couldn’t) live without for the feelings and depth it gives to my being, but there is certainly a darker side when it comes to acceptance and ridicule.

      M x

    • Racquel Lynn 8 November, 2009 at 01:40 Reply

      You need to accept yourself even if your wife does not.
      As long as you are not accepting yourself, then you cannot expect her to accept you.
      You need to stop thinking in terms of “Hoping for a cure”. You are not being honest with yourself.
      Ask yourself these questions:
      1.) how long have I felt this way?
      2.) Will I ever be able to stop feeling this way?
      3.) How long can I keep hiding how I feel and not being who I feel I really am?
      4.) Would I be happier going through life hiding who I am and what I really feel or accepting the feminine being inside of me and being myself.
      5.) Would I be more miserable going through life hiding who I am and what I really feel or accepting the feminine being inside of me and being myself.
      6.) (Referring back to your answer to #1) As long as you have felt this way, could go go another round for the same amount of time and still not be able to freely express who you are and be happy?
      In all likely hood, if you have been miserable for hiding your true self for 10 years, then you will be miserable having to hide it for another 10 years. That’s 20 years of being miserable that you won’t get back.
      If hiding something like this is making you miserable for any amount of time, the longer you wait to change it is more time being miserable until you get to the point that you just accept being miserable. And why? because of what other people expect you to be? Don’t live your life for other people, you have to live your life for you. Not to say to ignore the feelings of those you love and care about, because thie feelings matter too, but they also have to understand that your feelings matter just as much as theirs and your happiness matters just as much as theirs. To expect you to not be yourself and hide the female you, which is the real you that wants to come out is not fair to you.
      Find a counselor that is not going to try to “Cure” you, but rather one that understands and supports you and can help open up some lines of communication between you and your wife. Get her talking about it. Let her know it is important to you, that it matters to you and see if you can get her to reach some compromise through counseling.

  70. Claire 7 September, 2009 at 06:30 Reply

    Do I feel ashamed of dressing up – sometimes, but not as much as I used to, although the times I do I suppose comes from starting to dress (much) later than many others do. Im much more accepting of it now than I was when I started, and it has strengthened my relationshup with my wife. Apologies if this rambles a bit :)

    I have always been a bit quiet for a man, athough never really had any desire or interest in feminine things and was never very emotional. That all changed about 3 years ago following an illness which went undiagnosed for about a year – as a result I went into a deep depression and became deeply emotional. Luckily I have a very loving and accepting wife who supports me – and it was her that actually started me on this journey.

    It started innocently enough as just some fun in the bedroom – we both like to try new things and are very compatible, and fortunately one thing the depression and illness hadnt affected was our love life.

    Id had a particularly bad week with the depression and medication, and had spent much of the day upset, crying. We went to bed early and cuddled, just being close. The following day she playfully suggested that as I was being such a girl (no malice involved, just a teasing commment on my emotional state) that we sleep that night both wearing a silk nightdresses. One thing led to another, and things just sort of happened from there really, driven in turns by my wife and myself as we both explore this.

    Although my dressing doesnt extend to full clothing and makeup very often, and Im fully aware of the large sexual aspect it has on both our lives, it is something we both enjoy a great deal. Aspects of it have worked their way into our normal daily lives as little rituals that we both enjoy (I do her nails for her, sometimes we play with makeup), and were always on the lookout for clothes I can get away with wearing when Im feeling a bit femme but dont arouse too much suspicion.

    For the most part Ive actually quite enjoyed exploring this aspect of myself that I never really knew existed, and although its been a struggle at times I feel that Im a much better, more understanding person because of it. My wife has changed too, and I love her the more deeply because of it.

    I know that my dressing will never go beyond the confines of my home, and have no desire to fully become a woman – overall Im happy with the way things are, and the person Ive become. One day I hope that my children will be able to accept this part of me (they dont know at the moment, although I think my eldest (teenage) suspects something. We are generally a quite open family and talk about everything, although this topic (generally) hasnt yet cropped up, and to be honest I dont think my eldest is quite mature enough to understand yet.

    So overall I suppose I feel lucky more than anything.

    • Sofie 17 September, 2009 at 09:32 Reply

      Hi again,

      Last couple of weeks my life made a 90° turn.
      The trigger was a book I bought : “My husband Betty”. After 20 years of living in conflict with myself I feel that I’m now taking the first steps into self acceptance and it’s an enormous energy boost. I no longer have that sense of shame and guilt after having crossdressed.

      My wife’s views are also changing.
      I quoted a lot of passages from the book to my wife and we started talking about all the questions she had. My accepting myself has allowed me to talk more openly to her about my feelings. Even though it’s still not easy for her and she may never fully accept, she sees that it makes me happy. I can now dress up at home and yesterday she even did my make-up and we ordered my first pair of shoes(talk about a big change). Just knowing that I don’t have to lie to her anymore is a big relief. I’m trying not to rush things though as I want to give her time to adjust.

      So my advise to all others in this situation would be, buy the book and more importantly talk to your wife about your feelings. If she loves you and sees how happy you can become it’ll change your life and your life as a couple forever. Don’t give up hope.

      Hugs,
      Sofie

      • Vanessa L 20 September, 2009 at 21:36 Reply

        Congrats Sofie! I’m so happy to hear that the book has been helpful. Everyone else should hear what a wonderful relief it is not to have to hide yourself from someone you love! Very good advice hon!

      • Racquel Lynn 8 November, 2009 at 01:14 Reply

        That is a great book, I have it also. Another really good book (My favorite book on this subject) is “True Selves” By Mildred Brown and Chloe Roundsley. I have read it many, many times and I am not much for reading. I have let a couple of my friends borrow it and I bought a copy just for my Mom. It helps everyone who may be involved or just curious about all degrees of transgenderism.

        It is great thet your wife is accepting and learning and talking with you about this. That was so very important to me. I never did have to hide my crossdressing with my ex-wife. She wasn’t sure she wanted me to have surgery at first, but she soon only viewed me as a female and realized that was who I really was inside and supported me 100%.
        Other than a couple of close friends in high school, she was the first person I had come out to, but we were so close and I felt that I could talke to her about anything, so surprisingly I was a little nervous, but overall, actually very comfortable in telling her everything and it instantly brought us even closer. I was very lucky to have had someone that supportive. I told her before we married and she still married me and we were together for 10 years.
        (Divorced due to money problems.)
        It is really great when they not only accept and support you, but they become a part of your life when you are being who you feel you really are. You can be yourself and they become a bigger part of you. When they help you with make-up, you go shopping together, or get dressed up and go out together, it really means so much to us.
        If you can share that, you can pretty much share anything.

  71. Nicoletje 7 September, 2009 at 06:20 Reply

    Wow, i was so moved by this article… its a little like reading my own story from someone else’s lips. Cross dressing seems to be something that i have always “come back” to…i mean that, no matter how deep i bury the desire to become the woman of my own dreams, she claws her way back up out of the deepest recess of my mind, and she is back stronger and stronger each time. its hard to explain, but it has been the bane of my existence for most of my life, now i think she is one of the few things keeping me sane and happy. I remember the first time i tried on lingerie (someone else’s! tsk tsk!), i was around the age of 9. I also remember the first time (of at least four times) that i got “sprung” dressing up, and let me tell you all, it was not pretty. In fact as the number of times i got caught climbed, so too did the intensity of the lectures and the threats and warnings of humiliation. My Mother loves me, just as i love her, and i do understand that she has always done her best to try to protect me from harm. Tragically, i know that this is something that neither she, nor any other member of my friends or family will ever, EVER, accept. Now at 39 i have finally accepted that the equilibrium between my masculine and my feminine “energies” (for want of a better word!) are SUPPOSED to be heavily in femme’s favour. In other words… “this is just how I am meant to be”. Since school i was persecuted for my “squeaky” voice, for my gentle and caring nature and my love of the arts. I guess you could say i am a late bloomer hehe, but finally i smile in photos, finally i look at them and feel beautiful and complete, and above all else, i feel happy, satisfied and secure within myself. I have the body of a man, but the burning soul of a woman that has been imprisoned for thirty years in the darkest cell of the dankest dungeon, for no better reason than guilt.

    … and the first thing i did as a free woman was dance, and funny enough, i haven’t stopped dancing since!

    N-tje.
    (phewww, i feel better now! hehehe)

  72. Petra Bellejambes 4 September, 2009 at 10:28 Reply

    Hey friends. All of us at some time have felt ashamed of something. I think when younger and convinced that the cross dresseing thing is a passing thing (no pun, seriously), feelings of shame are deployed like bug sprary in the effort to suppress what we suspect/hope/need to go away.

    Well, for many it does not. Once you come to grips with that, often the shame is not about the cross dressing so much, but shame at related behaviours. The shame associated with not being honest and open about something with a wife is a big one.

    Most of the comments here are from CD’s who are out, or mostly out to their wives. Good for you. Even with the friction it causes, it is better than keeping it hidden.

    I know that when I feel badly in any way, its because I am keeping something true and important hidden from somebody who deserves truth and is important.

    So, there is a little confession. I am quite proud of my cross dressing. My “shame”, when it hovers around, is from not figuring a way and finding the nerve to share it nicely. Yet.

    Great thread post Vanessa!

    • Ragina 5 March, 2010 at 19:16 Reply

      Dear Petra, I know that this isn’t the right area, but do you live in the Atlanta area? I’m just down the road from you. Please respond. I went to your site and loved it.

  73. Patti 4 September, 2009 at 00:02 Reply

    The only problem I seem to find when it comes to shoes is a place that actually has my size.

    That’s a nightmare! I’m like you, Kelly. I don’t care what people think either when I’m out.

    But, when you do not pass very well, some people take offense to it and confront you.

    Even though I pass very well when I shave my face as close as possible, my physique sometimes gives me away. Am I ashamed? No.

    I do know that it is difficult for others who do not pass well, and I feel absolutely horrible for them. I don’t pity them, but I do know and understand what they are going through.

    Clothing is essential part of being a woman. And not wearing the right clothing can make you stand out even worse. Wearing too much makeup, very outdated shoes, the whole nine-yards can make you standout like a sore thumb that’s been smashed to the point of being as big as your head.

    I’m not attempting to demean or belittle anyone with this. But, I have worked with a few others who do impart this type of style.

    It’s one thing going out clubbing at the favorite TG place, it’s another to walk around publicly like this.

    Wow… I just wish I had the money to have helped a few of them who needed help in that area.

    I feel a heavy heart for them.

    My wife the other day says that I blow the TG Showgirls at the local TG/TV club, she went to for her best friends bachelor party, totally away.

    Anyway, you should never be ashamed for who and what you are. And if people can’t handle who you are, then tough.

    However, if it is your significant other, and she is not supportive of you, you both need to do something to help the lines of communication. Marriage is also about give and take. It should never be one-sided, nor should it be totally about you or her.

    If you are struggling with this, go see a counselor, therapist or even your local church pastor and get it worked out.

    It is going to take time and patience.

    Do not be ashamed.

    • mia 3 March, 2010 at 23:53 Reply

      wow patty
      a pastor? really? i’ve thought about it, but i’m really scared.
      however,I have to talk it out. please e-mail me.
      love mia

      • Patti 4 March, 2010 at 00:05 Reply

        There are some pastors out there who are willing to help that do not condemn and judge, but you have to research them like you would anything else.

        • Carol 4 March, 2010 at 04:32 Reply

          My wife teaches at a so called christian college. When she reached out for support, when she was dealing with me getting surgury, they gave instead of support, an ultimatum. Get a divorce, or get fired! Theres your bigots in action. Well We are working this out now, but its been a shock to her, and shes thinking all kinds of crazy stuff. Its a shame people can hurt us in this way, especially when by what they say they are…. Christians….. they prove theyre not. Carol

          • Racquel Lynn 4 March, 2010 at 13:54

            I like how so many Christians cannot accept the fact that I am both Christian AND Transsexual. Most say I cannot be both because if I were a true Christian I would not feel the desire to dress or be female and just accept myself the way God made me.
            I love it when they ask the question “don’t you think God knew what he was doing when he created you?”
            My answer to that is always: “yes I do, and what about Hermaphrodites? they are born with both sets of plumbing. Did God not know what he was doing when he created them? And if he can create someone with both sexes, then why is it not possible for some people to be born with the WRONG sex?”

            So far, that has made every religious nut shut right up because thos are questions they are not prepared for and are totally unable to answer.

            I follow Christ, not man. I don’t follow people who consider themselves as “Christian Leaders”. I did struggle for a while because of what people had tried to teach me about what God feels on this subject. Even before I came out. I have seen so many things happen in the church, so many things going on that would make your head spin.
            After playing in the church youth group band and also with the main music minstry for well over a year, the pastor one night gives a sermon on “judge not by appearances but look at the heart”. Then, the same night immediately following the service he has the youth pastor (he couldn;t ask me himself) to ask me to cut my long hair. I thought “what a hypochrite!” When I refused, the pastor did not want me playing drums for the main music ministry any more and everyone in church got upset with him and people actually left the church over this. He was trying to convince people that the bible says “Support your pastor, etc.” obvious and blantant control and manipulation, very much like a cult leader. He started treating me like total dirt, and was worse when there were only a few people or no one else around.
            Well, it finally got so bad that I quit going to that church. A couple of months later his wife attempted suicide because she walked in and caught him in bed with another woman from the church.
            So he’strying to convince everyone that my long hair is a sin and it is wrong (tell that to the guy you worship!) while he is running around on his wife. He’s judging my appearance when he is telling others not to.
            He was not looking at my heart while he was telling others to do so. And while he is trying to get everyone against me and to believe I was so bad, the was the one being bad.

            That is one of many experiences I have had with Christianity. I almost turned away from Christianity at one point, but then a friend helped me realze that I should not hold against the Lord the actions of man.
            That’s when I realized that Jesus had always been awsome to me and has always been there and helped me through so much and that I should not abandon my beliefs because of what some greedy, power hungry, control freak wants to convince me that I should believe.
            I stopped allowing beliefs to be spoon fed to me by any minstry.
            I am a Christian, but I do not follow mainstream Christianity. I think for myself, and realize that I don’t have to believe what everyone else preaches because they are not always right, no matter how popular any given belief may be.
            I still struggled with worrying about would God hate me for dressing and having surgery to become female. I knew there was no way I could change who I was and how I felt, so was I going to go to hell for just trying to be myself?
            God finally told me, ” I know you and I know your heart. You should not be ashamed to be yourself and be who you are inside. I know it’s been hard, but there are experiences I wanted you to have as a man that you could not have had as a woman and now that you have had those expepriences, it will make you stronger and ready for your journey to become and live the rest of your life as a female, even if the rest of the world and those who claim they know me do not understand”
            God told me in my heart that it was okay, that I should now pursue life as a female, that it is not a sin. What would be a sin is to continue living a lie. Liing to myself and liing to others and hiding who I truely am.
            He told me I should not torture myself anymore.

            So yes, God did know what he was doing when he made me. I was born male for a reason. I was to experience things that I would not have had I been born female. Yet, he also has a plan for me to eventually life the rest of my life as a female taking with me those important experiences. I don’t understand why yet, but I have faith in his ultimate plan for my life. I no longer struggle or worry about God hating me for crossdressing and wanting to change my body. I know he meant for it to be. And those that argue the contrary do not know the relationship I have with God and probably don’t have a genuine relationship with him themselves because they are being dictated to and told what to believe by man.

            Christ should be first in our lives. Christ should be first in your wifes life, not a “Christian teaching job” that is dictated by the rules of man.
            You should be the most important thing in her life next to Christ, not her job, not the church….It chould be Christ…then you and your children (if you have any). I would always put Christ before my family but I would never put the church or a job before family.
            Telling the church/Christian school where they can stick it is not turning agaist God, and don’t worry about what people think ifi you tell them off and do what you know is right between you and God. Don’t worry about what they say should be right or wrong. There is no one size fits all plan that God has for everyone. We are each different and god has a special and different plan for each and every one of us.
            God loves you no matter what! Pray to him, read you rbible and let him lead you to the answers you seek, do not let mainstream religion tell you what you are supposed to believe. Find what God wants for you.
            Yes, I am Christian, but I get very angry at how wrong and controlling, blinded and closed minded and judgemental the bulk of people who claim to be Christians are.
            God did not intend for you to be tormented by hiding who you truely are. Your wife cannot reasonably expect you to just turn the feeling off like a light switch.
            You need to find good counseling by someone who ha sknowlege and experience in transgender issues. and there are a few good Christians ones out there if you look good enough. She needs to know how hiding this is affecting you. Life is too short and you only get one. You need to do what makes you happy. And I believe with all my heart that you can work this out without divorce.

  74. Lynn Jones 3 September, 2009 at 14:30 Reply

    Mostly a blessing :) Being a cross-dresser – or a tranny, pick you label – goes deeper than just clothes and make-up. I think it goes to the core of who we are and like it or loathe it, the effects are here to stay.

    If I wasn’t a tranny, my life may have turned out very differently and I wouldn’t have had the family and friends I do now.

    Am I ashamed? For 99.% of the time, no: I’m cool over it. Sometimes I have the odd dip into darker times, but doesn’t everyone? :)

    Melony: Please don’t feel bad about passing. Very few of us do and the ones that look like they do? It’s Photoshop :)

    Martina: Have a look at ‘Portable Firefox’ or look into the ‘run as’ command 😀

    • Vanessa L 3 September, 2009 at 14:57 Reply

      What Lynn said :) Seriously though, all of us get miserable at times, and wish we transgendered. It is really hard to love yourself when you don’t live up to society’s norms, but you’re well worth it!

      Melony, I obsess about passing as the next girl, but the truth is that I’ll never pass 100%. I’m built as a man, taller than your average woman with bone structure that can’t be changed (even by the best surgery today). Photoshop + Hormones + Surgery + lots of makeup does wonders for many of the ladies you see on the Internet. As crossdressers we inherit a woman’s self-consciousness. 99.99% of all woman don’t look like the cover of a magazine – the trick is not to feel bad about it. A smile, confidence and body movement practice can go a long way towards your feminine illusion.

      Martina, I can sympathize with you – marriage seems like a constant struggle to be who we are and respect who the other person needs us to be. We have it worse than most in this regard, but we’re by no means the only people to feel as though marriage asked for compromises we don’t feel we can make. My wife and I are still working through this. All I can say is that constant communication and mutual respect are more necessary than ever.

      Patti, well said love. We should realize that they didn’t sign up for a husband who wants to become a woman. Even if you told them before getting married, the true reality doesn’t sink in until they must deal with this aspect on a day to day basis. We need to show our lovely wive’s the grace and understanding we’d ask of them.

      Hugs,
      Vanessa

      • Carol 1 January, 2010 at 15:12 Reply

        Vanessa, your right not everybody can “pass”, but there are lots of girls that cant pass either. The question is , do you “pass” with yourself. Youll know when you do, and its easy from then on! Love carol

  75. Patti 3 September, 2009 at 14:07 Reply

    This is a serious issue for all of us.

    Most women feel that a husband must take care of his family. How can a husband who dresses up be a husband at the same time with two women being in the house at the same time?

    It boils down to what the stereotypical norms of society.

    Men are to be men.
    Women are to be women.

    With crossdressing and transgenderism, these lines are seriously blurred and obscured. There is no division between man being a husband and a woman being a wife. It’s a gray area in which there is confusion of those expected norms.

    Men feel their masculinity threatened and women feel their femininity is threatened.

    If either a man or woman feels this way, lines of communication must open. Otherwise the hurt and anger will continue to well up in each to a breaking point.

    My wife knew when she was getting into a relationship with me. We had started out as roommates. However, her family feels it is their right to torment her over the fact of who and what I am instead of doing the Christian thing and showing love and respect.

    After my in-laws first found out about me, they were angry and felt I lied to them. Was I lying to them? Or was I lying to myself that I was or wasn’t lying to them?

    I did what I had to do… I do not go to their homes dressed up out of respect and for their wishes.

    A vast majority of people don’t understand crossdressing and especially transgenderism. We cannot expect people to fully understand at all, but I’ve done my best to explain it in the best fashion I could to them.

    Here’s what I would do, and continue to do, is to explain to people this simple, yet elegant analogy which seems to be quite universal:

    “Ever find a cute dress, so cute you just had to have it? It is in your size too! Yet, when you put it on, no matter how you adjust it, no matter if you alter it, no matter what, it just refuses to fit properly.”

    Then, for guys, I use this:

    “No matter how good that engine is, no matter if the only carberator you have for that Ford, you still have a Chevy carberator and not matter what you do, it will not fit on that Ford.”

    But, talking to our spouses about what we feel is difficult and to add in crossdressing and transgenderism makes it even more difficult.

    I still hold back things from my wife mostly due to her family though. The torment I would receive would be over the top and make me resentful to them.

    My wife is supportive to an extent and is tolerant to a degree. She still is slightly on their side because of how she was raised.

    We cannot allow ourselves to get angry with our spouses, we accept them as they are, but it’s not always reciprocal.

    As much they need to understand us, we need to understand them to a greater extent and reassuring them continually loving them.

  76. Martina 3 September, 2009 at 12:03 Reply

    In my case I feel that I am pushed into being ashamed. Altough my wife accepts that I am a crossdresser and says she would like to help, I know she does not.
    I went nearly a whole year this(from October 08 to now)not dressing up once. I did this because everytime I had the urge to dress up I had to surpress it. The rules change everytime. I cannot seem to do anything right.
    I totally admit that yes, i have gone into website i should not have, but its like a rollercoaster ride. One page leads to another and so on. Everytime without fail my wife will go into my history and never fail to start on me about the most insignificant detail. What do I do?
    Our arguments always lead to her bringing up the “Martina problem” I fight back because in my 35 years I only know her 6 and I have crossdressed since I was 5. I feel that she has no right to tell me what, where and when to do it. Yes I am lucky that I have a wife that knows my dirty little secret, but does that mean she should have control over me?
    She told her family what I am and after years of knowing, if it is brought up jokingly, she thinks its wrong! In the end, she told everyone, not me! Trust should be both ways. Not one rule for her and another for me. Believe me, if I could go back in the past, she would never know. I love her with all my life and “Martina” is a threat to her. Even a chance to go to Thailand is stopped because all she sees in her mind is Ladyboys! I for one love culture, but in her mind she thinks I was the sex side of things. All I want is to meet others like me that like to dress up, help each other with becoming the preety woman we all desire to be. Do you agree?
    Thanks for reading x

    • Ragina 5 March, 2010 at 18:49 Reply

      Dearest Martina, a wize woman once said that no one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to. That woman was Elenore Rosavelt, admitedly not one of the most atractive First Ladies that this country has ever had and look what all she did. I hope that you are able to get things settled with your wife and your crossdressing. It would be a shame to have to keep the real you stuffed in a hole. Be strong and be patient and love her anyway. Hugs to you, Ragina

  77. MELONY 3 September, 2009 at 10:48 Reply

    Hi, i’m ashamed of crossdressing because i cant make myself passable, i try to follow your instructions on applying makeup but i end up looking like bozo the clown, i love dressing pretty and want to go out as a girl, but i look too rediculous, i cant afford surgery, plus my wife would never let me do it. what can i do. yours melony

    • You Don’t Need Permission… | Crossdresser Heaven 22 September, 2009 at 10:51 Reply

      […] As crossdressers we’re especially susceptible to the judgments of society. We look around waiting for someone to give us permission to be who we are. Perhaps it’s an understanding wife who lets you wear feminine undergarments at home, or a social organization, or a book you read. Yet for most of us, even with permission to crossdress we still feel ashamed of crossdressing. […]

    • Racquel Lynn 8 November, 2009 at 02:07 Reply

      Melony, I don’t think I have ever been 100% Passable, although I used to be very passable. As I have gained a few pounds over the years, I have become less passable. The little bit of weight seems to accentuate male features as it makes it harder to accentuate the feminine features.
      One thing I have learned is that even though hair, make-up, clothes, etc. are an important part of passing, the most important part is your confidence and being comfortable with yourself and accepting who you are.

      Usually we will feel better when our outfit looks great and our hair and make-up is perfect, but I have had days when everything was perfect and I looked great, but feeling nervous and unsure and people will pick up on that really quick. Other days my make-up may have been a little off or my hair not quite in place, but I felt good about myself, didn’t care what anyone thought, didn’t care if I was passable or not, it was just a beautiful day, I was happy and enjoying being me and no one notices, or at least they don’t seem to notice anthing.
      To me, it is more important that people will recognize me and accept me as female more than it is for me to pass as one. Although I do like to pass and work on it as much as possible. When the people around you, especially those that matter most to you, know and accept you as female and the address you as a female (And hopefully treat you like a lady) then that is what makes the world of difference.
      Passing can help your confindence, but I think confidence helps your passing even more.

    • Tracey 24 November, 2009 at 10:16 Reply

      Hello Melony,
      You don’t have to be 100% passable. I have written comments before but I will review. I am a straight female who has an amazing cross dressing friend. She is not 100% passable but she doesn’t care. Honestly I don’t care. We go to Starbucks, Panera, wherever we want and I don’t care. If people have a problem it’s their problem. I say screw em do whatever you want and feel confident and proud. You are not hurting anyone. Don’t get caught up in societies hangups. Be Thankful this Thanksgiving that you know who you are and don’t be so paranoid.
      Tracey

      • Carol 1 January, 2010 at 14:00 Reply

        Thats the spirit Tracey. A lot of crossdressers are afraid to go out because they feel people likely wont like them, but its the other way around. People would love to meet you, and with that confidence, you can go anywhere your heart takes you. You two are a lucky pair. Carol

        • mia 4 March, 2010 at 15:18 Reply

          omg that is horrible.
          mierable bastards should be shot……….sorry i get excited. if i cam help ,tell me

    • monica 11 February, 2010 at 16:04 Reply

      well dear , you say that when you apply your make up you look like boz0 the clown and you just will not pass as a women. My first time out was in femmme and i thought i was all that. my spouse and i went for a walk at night in the cemetary, i know it sounds pretty weird but it gave me confidence to take me going out femme to the next level. my make up hass gotten better and i cant wait until i can go out again

    • cherll hunt 5 March, 2010 at 16:04 Reply

      sister it takes practice but i remember when i was in your shoes hun it was painfull. get on all the makeup sites u can find and go to my pics and look and ill be happy to help u anyway i can.you will find pics of me on date a crossdresser my name is cherll looking forward to hearing from u sis

    • Pamela Molloy 7 March, 2010 at 02:29 Reply

      Melony,

      One thing I have found is that there are so many different styles of clothing, and certain types may look better to you when you are wearing them than others. (in terms of you thinking you are passing better).

      Some fashion websites and even store websites will have articles on-line about the best types of tops, skirts, pants, dresses, etc. to wear for certain body types.

      And if a certain style appeals to you more than another, then you will probably feel better about yourself as well, feel more feminine, and less self-conscious about how well you are passing or not.

      You can experiment without spending a whole lot of money by buying some of your clothes at thrift stores or at places like Wal-Mart, where for example I bought a White Stag top tonight for just $3 on clearance sale and a pretty red patterned dress for just $5.

      Sometimes it may help to just browse the stores to see what is on display or browse store websites and after a while you will get an idea what styles appeal to you.

      If you are wearing a design you like to start with you will probably feel more feminine and feel you are more passable than if you are wearing women’s clothes just because they are women’s clothes.

      Hope this helps,
      Hugs,
      Pam

      • Racquel Lynn 7 March, 2010 at 03:38 Reply

        You’re absolutely correct Pamela.

        And I love shopping the clearance racks at WalMart and Kmart as well as the Sears Home Essentials stores. Always can find great articles of clothing at amazing low prices.

        I was shopping WalMart once and found several pieces of clothing that I loved. Didn’t even realize until I got home and decided to try a few of them on that one of the skirts I bought matched perfectly with one of the tops I bought. I wasn’t even trying to match anything, just picked out individual pieces that I liked. So it was a pleasant surprise when I saw how well those two articles of clothing looked together. I wore them to work the next night and it is still one of my favorite outfits.

    • destiny 9 May, 2010 at 08:19 Reply

      hi, i am writing to comment that i am a transgender but my wife dont like it but i try to be a husband but i want to be more female ,i have went about 3 weeks without dressing cause she dont like it, any advice. thanks

      • Racquel Lynn 9 May, 2010 at 22:20 Reply

        You need to have a long talk with her and tell her exactly how you feel. Let her know that the feminine side of you is an important part of who you are that you cannot deny yourself.
        You may want to go to counseling together, find a support group, buy her a book on the subject (True Selves is awsome for both transgendered individuals as well as the people who share their lives, it has lots of great info and explained really well. ) True Selves and other great books for wives of crossdressers, transsexuals, etc. can be found on Amazon.com
        They have a few I want to order soon that I haven’t read yet. “My Husband, Betty”, “He’s Not There”, “My Husband Wears My Clothes”, and many others.
        I was lucky to have had a supportive wife for almost 10 years that knew all about me before we got married. We divorced over money problems, but we are still friends and she still supports me.
        Most of the women I have dated since the divorce knew up front and supported me. Only a couple of them had any kind of problem with it, but once they got a little used to it, were fine with it, and only one that had a problem with it altogether. One of my girlfriends supported me to an extent (although she said she supported me completely) but when it came to be being dressed female around her family and friends, she was more worried about what they would think. Even though most of her friends already knew about me and supported me. Her parents knew and supported me also. (they even bought me female clothes at Christmas time. lol)
        You just need to let her know how you feel and that it is a big part of who you really are and that it is important to you and tell her why. Even if you don’t totally understand why yourself, just explain how you feel and what you do know about it. Let her know that you love her and want to be honest with her and not doing it behind her back or not dressing at all and denying yourself the right to be who you are and feeling that you have to hide and be trapped.
        You may want to progress a little at a time if she agrees to you crossdressing. (not that you need her permission to be yourself, but that you are not wanting to shock heror make it too much at one time) just slowly ease into a more feminine mode a little at a time. I find that most women love feeling smooth shaved legs, so you may want to start with just shaving your legs, chest, whatever makes you comfortable. Later let her get used to seeing you with panties on. maybe with a t-shirt when you go to bed. Later add a little eyeliner. Just keep making slow subtle changes as time goes on.
        Then again, after you talk with her and she has time to think about it and get used to the idea, she may just want to see the whole Destiny as a whole. I would try talking with her a little more and see how it goes, then decide if you may want a counselor to help you both talk and understand eachothers feelings and concerns.

  78. Kelly 3 September, 2009 at 20:41 Reply

    I am not at all ashamed to be a crossdresser. I enjoy dressing up as I never go out dressed as i am content with dressing in private at home. Girls are so lucky the stuff they get to wear so why shouldn’t I have some fun and slip on a dress or skirt ,maybe a pair of silky pantyhose and cross my legs and drink some coffee. I even openly buy skirts and hosiery, heels,makeup, as I don’t care what people think.A girl asked me one time,are these heels for u? I said ya, she then suggested that i try em on, so I did as i had on pantyhose under my jeans in which she saw and just said ,nice pantyhose.She had me walk around in the heels as well.It was nice for a girl to know my little secret.

  79. Stacy 3 September, 2009 at 23:14 Reply

    This is a very difficult question to answer…

    When I am crossdressed I am not ashamed – I wear ‘normal’ clothes that on any genetic girl would be accepted in most offices. I really relax when working from home in these clothes – and to be honest forget that I am dressed most of the time, it feels that natural.

    When I am getting dressed, or changing back – that’s when the guilt kicks in. My wife knows, is kind of supportive – but doesn’t want to be involved. I think this is where a lot of the guilt comes from. It’s not going behind her back – she knows and tells me to, it’s the fact that I feel (and she never corrects me on this so I guess it’s right) that I have to make sure everything is back in it’s rightfull place before she gets in. Except for shoes and tights… The later I wear when it’s cold on the motorbike for reasons other than dressing and she is fine with that and the shoes we share as we have similar sized feet (and I have to buy womens shoes anyway due to the size of mine) and if she is in shoes that she can’t drive in we’ll swap – she takes my deck shoes and I take her heels.

  80. Samantha 22 September, 2009 at 12:08 Reply

    Hi, I have just recently started to cross dress, I am loving every minute of it and I feel so good.

    I get home from work and the first thing I do is change into a dress.

    I think it was surpressed in me but I am so glad it has come out.

    I want to build up the courage to go out dressed as a women.

    So just be you no matter what, don’t try and change your feelings as it is only yourself and your needs you are hurting.

  81. Vanessa L 25 September, 2009 at 08:26 Reply

    Samantha, that’s wonderful to hear! I’m glad that you’re finding crossdressing fulfilling and rewarding. It starts with a few nervous steps, but your courage will build over time.

  82. Hannah 12 October, 2009 at 21:23 Reply

    No, I am not ashamed to crossdress and I’m not ashamed of being a crossdresser however, like many cd’s, I too had moments in my past of shame, guilt, fear, and loneliness about crossdressing which I feel is very normal. I’ve been crossdressing to some degree or another for about 42 years or since I was about 5 years young. Now I just revealed my age :) … I realize ther many reasons why some cd’s may experience shame or guilt and its usually caused by a cd not being accepted by people who are close to them such as family, wives, girlfriends etc.. as well as some of may have gotten caught or discovered against our will to be found out. These are all normal occurrences that may happen and can or will happen to us as crossdressers. It is not that easy to hide an entire wardrobe or feminine attire and accessories so the risk of being discovered is always prevalent for those who are still in the closet. It took me many years to embrace my crossdressing and totally accept myself first and foremost and then it was much easier to share this wonderful part of who I am with so many significant people in my life along the way and to this day, not one person holds this against me or belittles me for it. Some people I’ve told did not fully accept it if it were affecting them in anyway such as them being a girlfriend of mine in a relationship or if they felt it was not normal bahavior for a man to engage in.

    I will say this from my own personal experience, is that when we as crossdressers are able to embrace this blessing that we possess and we are able to come out of the closet to some degree or another, it is a blissful feeling inside and out. It is a feeling beyond description that words cannot appropriately describe. That feeling feels silker and sexier than the clothing itself. :) I encourage all closeted cd’s to take a step of faith and tell someone about your crossdressing whether it be a store clerk in a mall or womens clothing store that you dont know and will never see again or it could be a therapist if any of you are seeing one. Once you start to share with other people that you are a crossdresser, even if it has to be a stranger, you will want to tell and share with more and more people all the time and you will also realize that most people that you tell will not make a big deal out of it and some people will really enjoy hearing your story and start becoming inquisitive and asking questions about your feminine self. I doubt anyone you tell will call the local newspapers and TV [no pun intended..lol ] stations and ask reporters to come and hear your story and reveal it to the rest of the world. One last thought about overcoming shame is to talk to gg women about your crossdressing as they are way more receptive to this topic than our macho male friends are. :)

    ~hugs~ Hannah

  83. Racquel Lynn 8 November, 2009 at 00:24 Reply

    I have never been ashamed or even embarrassed as I thought I might have been. I find that alot of the tough guys and haters are actually more scared of us than we are of them. I am comfortable going out dressed, even on days when I am not totally passable, but I do watch my back and am more aware of my surroundings than usual just in case.
    I was actually very surprised at how many peopleare very nice, accepting and supportive of me and admire that I have the guts to just be myself and not care what others think. Especially where I live.
    Many people who most would consider “Good Ol’ Boy Rednecks” whom I thought would not take the news very well have actually been some of my biggest supporters and defenders.

    I have been very lucky. Since I have came out, I have only lost one friend, but if he would not at least try to understand (not that I expect anyone to really understand, but at least try) then he obviously was not much of a friend to begin with.

    Most of the relationships I have been in, I have had the full support and understanding of the girl I was with. My ex-wife was wonderful and loved me either way (until the money troubles, that always does it! lol)
    I did have a couple of girlfriends along the way that didn’t take it so well, but did accept it and still loved me. One said she accepted it comepletely and was not ashamed of me, but then did not want me wearing weomens clothing around her friends, did not want them knowing, and got mad at me because she came home from work and I was dressed up and she was upset because “what if I had brought a friend in with me?” I told her it was my house and she moved in with me and this is what I do and I didn’t need her permission to dress up in my own house. Heck, if I am going to go out dressed in public, then why would I have to ask her or anyone else permission to dress up in my own house that I was paying for? I told her that obviously, she was ashamed of it and needed to get beyond it. She didn’t give her friends enough credit because they were all wonderful and when they did find out they were completely supportive. I had told her before we made a committment to eachother and she moved in with me that I was wanting to pursue full surgery, but not sure if I would ever be able to afford it, but that was the goal and if I couldn’t have surgery that I would eventually get breast implants and live full time as a female regardless and she said that didn’t bother her, but apparently it bothered her more than she had expected. She didn’t mind me crossdressing, she was just afriad of what her friends would think of her. Even her own parents supported me and bought me nice female clothes on my birthday and Christmas.

    I think that what alot of crossdressers/transgendered/transsexuals feel is not shame for being what and who they are, but shame for not feeling good enough for others that they love and admire. I feel sorry for the people with wives that do not accept them dressing and they either are only allowed to crossdress at home or have to completely hide their crossdressing from their wives. I would suggest that you find a good supportive counselor and go see them alone a few times. If the counselor takes the point of view that they are going to help you stop wanting to crossdress, then dump them and find another one. When you feel you have found the right one, then start taking your wife (or significant other) They may be able to help your mate see things from your perspective alot better than you can.

    You have to remember. It is YOUR LIFE and you only get to live it once and life is too short.
    It is also their life as well, so you do have to recognize that what you do will affect their life as well. You life is together. But you also have to be happy and if something is making you miserable, it isn’t fair to you or them. They need to understand that as much as coming out will affect their life, repressing who you truely are on the inside and not being able to be your true self is ruining your life.

    Also, let them know that no matter if you are in a suit or in a dress, that you are still the same person that they know and love. It is only the physical appearance that changes. And most people who stand by and support their mates often say that they love them even more once they come out and are comfortable being themselves.

    We should not feel ashamed for being ourselves and doing what makes us happy as long as it is not hurting anyone else. We should not feel ashamed for being transgendered, yet society should be ashamed for judging something that they do not understand, especially when many people will not even try to understand. It is wrong to reject or scorn anyone when you haven’t even given them a chance to be heard, understood and accepted.
    So do not be ashamed of crossdressing, but feel sorry for those who lack the heart to know you before they judge you. They are the ones that are wrong and whose behavior is unacceptable, not ours.
    Dress up and be proud! and if the people around you do not support you, then find and surropund yourself with people who will.

  84. Racquel Lynn 8 November, 2009 at 00:59 Reply

    I agree Hannah, that the more peopple that you talk with about it, the better you feel and the more people you will want to tell until you finally get to the point that you become you. You will feel like this is just me, it’s who I am, rather than feeling like you have to explain to all the time to everyone you meet, but you will still enjoy educating people on the subject when they bring it up.

    Sometimes people may approach you and ask you things. As long as they ask respectfully, you should feel perfectly fine about talking about the subject. And usually, as long as you are honest and open about everything, you will gain alot of respect from alot of very diehard homophobes.
    After I first started coming out to my friends, I slowly started, even when I was in “Male Mode” Wearing a few things with my guy clothes that set off a little feminine flair. Being an 80’s rocker, it kinda blended pretty well. Eventually, after I was out to quite a few people, I was more comfortable coming out and not afraid and slowly added even more feminie things to what I was wearing when I wasn’t crossdressing. I still went out alot completely as female, but other times, the slower transition, I think, was easier and less of a shock for people to handle and accept. I then decided to get permanent make-up. I had my full lips done in Magenta and black eyeliner done. I had decided to be myself and be proud, but also had decided that I was at the point that I never wanted to go back into the closet, so if I got the permanent make-up, even if I could not afford breast implants and other proceedures, that I would at least have that much done, which is something permanent that I can’t go back on or I can’t hide because I never wanted to hide ME ever again.
    I worked at a bar. It was a straight bar, but I was allowed to dress up anytime I felt like it. I had the complete support of my boss to do so.
    Even when I wasn’t fully dressed up, because of the make-up, I would have people ask me if I was gay, if I was a crossdresser, if I wanted a sex change and all of the other usual questions that I am sure that so many of you have been asked many times if you have come out.
    I have talked to so many people that come in and seem very unaccepting at first, but they have the guts to talk to you straight in the face and ask you questions with respect and all they want is respect back and the truth. Alot of people really do want to try to understand us. Alot of people already accept and support us, they just want to know specifically how you wish to be viewed.
    Alot of people came in not so supportive, but they have all left with a better knowlege and understanding as well as respect and support for me.
    Sometimes, it is just how you present yourself . Honesty truely is the best policy.

    It is very therapudic to me to talk to people about crossdressing, transsexualism and the many varied degrees of transgenderism.
    The more you tell people, the more they want to know, and the more okay they become with it. Not every one is going to accept it or understand it (Do even any of us REALLY understand it?) but most people do have enough curiosity to want to know more, and when they meet one of us in real life instead of those fakes on Jerry Springer that are giving us all a bad name, and they see that we are really not that bad, they at least will treat us better and be more comfortable around us.

  85. Ragina 13 November, 2009 at 20:16 Reply

    Dear Vanessa and all, I’d like to add a coment to the subject of being ashamer of crossdressing. I personally am not ashamed of being a crossdresser, in fact, I love it. I have been dressing for a very long time and have come to terms with it all. It took my wife a little while before she was totally comfortable with me in feminine clothing, but she is now enjoying the “other woman” in the house. I don’t always have to be in full dress to indulge the woman within, most often a pair of panties and a touch of lip gloss will do just fine. When I do go all out and get completly dressed up, often it will be my wife who will do my make-up and help style my hair. It’s just one of the things that she loves to do and I feel that it helps to keep our relationship balanced in regards to the feminine side of me. We don’t have to go out as two ladies for me to enjoy being all dressed up. Just to be able to dress and not feel at all guilty about it is a wonderful thing, and I really wish that more women would get over the stereotype that any man that would want to wear womens clothes can’t be all man. We CAN be all man, but we can also be women when we want to be.

  86. Vanessa L 14 November, 2009 at 22:44 Reply

    Thanks Ragina,

    It takes most of us a long time to come to terms with this, and perhaps just as long for our loved ones to accept us. It’s a blessing when we can gain the acceptance from within and those who love us.

  87. Taby 17 November, 2009 at 19:51 Reply

    Hi all, Just stumbled over Vanessa’s website today and I must say its great, thanks for the wonderful information here.

    As the for the question of the day? As a life long CD (ok since I was about 5) and until the last year completly closet, I have bounced the entire spectrum of emotion from embaressment to great personal fullfillment.

    AS the Manely man, hunter, fisherman, handyman, cub scout leader, etc… I am happy and content with myself and enjoy my masculinity. But I also enjoy the feminine side too. I have always been told by others that I have this wonderful side to me, the cook, the snuggler, the listener, jewerly maker, and can wrap xmas packages with the most incredible bows most have ever seen. There is no remorse or shame for my feminine traits and cross dressing is simply an extension of those traits. My wife married me because of these and until last year (10 years later) had no idea of my desires to let Tabitha come out and play. She has accepted parts of it and we are still working on the others. But as I said to her when she first found out,”you married me and love me not only for the man I am but for the female charactaristics that you admititedly love and cherish.

    Taby has never been out in public and I don’t know if she ever will. Perhaps if i ever get up the nerve to attend Esprit or something but I dont feel the need to go out, I am perfectly content enjoying Taby at home. I do however shop for all my own clothing, shoes and makeup and have no problem making in known that it is for me.

    So Ashamed? No way! As my wife says as I am crawling into bed in sexy lingerie (every night) or putting on my lace panties and camis (every morning), “its just clothing” I just wish that the rest of society could say the same thing.

  88. Vanessa L 21 November, 2009 at 11:46 Reply

    Thanks Taby,

    It’s true that there is so much unique goodness when we express our feminine selves. Many woman are attracted to this, even before they can give it a name.

    ‘Ashamed? No Way’ – You go girl!!

  89. Holly 24 March, 2010 at 14:03 Reply

    I’d like to add another comment, if I may.

    The thread started out as asking “Are you ashamed of being a crossdresser?” but the various posts and responses have shown that this is not a one-dimensional issue. This is an issue that affects all of us in very many and varied ways.

    For some of us, it is about being open and honest with our spouse or significant other. For others it is about how we feel and deal with our stresses as men in our everyday lives. Yet for others it is about being accepted for who we are and how we see ourselves.

    Yes, crossdressing is one of “those” issues that separates “us” from “them”. It even separates us from the gay community, if truth be told, as there are a lot of gay people who don’t understand us either. True, most “normal” men will never understand the thrill of sliding a new pair of pantyhose up your freshly shaven legs, and will never understand why we would even want to do that in the first place. And I daresay, if we are all honest about it, most of us can’t really give a good, justifiable reason for why we do this either. It’s just the way we are wired.

    But we are transvestites or cross dressers, in the same way that someone is born left handed or with a skill or talent for art or music. It’s who we are and an integral part of what we are. And it’s this little extra secret that makes us who we are in our male lives as well.

    Face it, if we didn’t have these desires, if we didn’t have these strange compulsions to dress and make ourselves up as women, if we didn’t have these inner cravings to be seen in public as women (for those of us who are able to do that), then would we really be the men that we are today in our daily lives? No. It’s these same inner desires and compulsions that drive us to want to be as feminine as possible that also contribute those other characteristics to our personalities and make us who we are. Without being transgendered (to whatever degree you identify with that term) we would not be the same man we are.

    If you didn’t have these desires to feminize your body, wear lingerie, put on makeup, wear dresses and high heels, put on a wig and jewelry and then be seen in public, would you have the same interests that you have now? I seriously doubt it. We are interested in colors and textures, we listen more carefully, we are less harsh, we don’t judge as quickly, etc. all because we ARE transgendered! Not in spite of it. It’s as if we have an additional sense, or can experience something that others cannot. As if we can see other colors that the rest of the world can’t see, or hear sounds that the rest of the world can’t. It helps us be a more well-rounded individual, regardless of whether we are male or female.

    We can enjoy activities that are historically associated with both sexes, without being ashamed of either. I like music, and art, and Broadway musicals. I also like camping and fishing and being outdoors. I like wearing soft fabrics, the smell of makeup on my face, and shaving my legs to look pretty in hose. I also like wearing my old grubby jeans, not shaving my face, and my collection of baseball caps. I love to read, both fiction and non-fiction, military thrillers and romance novels, hot rod magazines and women’s magazines. I love to cook, and wear a pretty floral apron in the kitchen, and do housework and laundry, and all of those “traditionally womanly” roles, all while wearing a dress and heels (a la June cleaver) and I like to be a slob and not pick up after myself and leave things where they fall on the floor and sit at the table and wait for my dinner. In other words, I have both male and female traits and characteristics, and am not ashamed of either side.

    True, there are those who may wonder about me. Wonder if I’m “man enough”. Wonder if I’m “one of them…”. But it’s this mixture of traits and characteristics that make me who I am, whether I am dressed as a woman, as a man, or as someone in between (which is sometimes really fun to do, as it really screws with people’s minds when they see you and don’t know if you are male or female).

    So to wrap this little diatribe of mine up, I want to say Thank You to all of my sisters out there who have been so open and honest and willing to share through this forum. It’s important that we have a place where we can open up. Where we can support and help each other. Where we can cry and ask for help. Without it, we’d all just be wondering if we are the only one who acts and feels like this, and the only information we would be able to find would be in the porn stores, like it used to be before the Internet opened the world up to all of us.

    Please keep these discussions going, ladies. Let’s continue to talk and share and ask questions. Maybe someday through all of this, we will come to some understanding of why we are the way we are. Maybe some day we will understand why we have these inner conflicts and inner turmoils and inner strife that makes us want to look and appear and dress as women. Or maybe not. Maybe that is one question that won’t be answered until we someday meet our Maker, and then can ask Him in person.

    I don’t know…

    I’ve asked why me, I’ve prayed to be rid of this, I’ve read the Bible cover to cover (several times), I’ve shared my struggles with friends and strangers alike (and usually get a more positive response from strangers, by the way, which is a whole ‘nother topic for discussion at some point), I’ve binged and purged, I’ve spent more money than I can count on buying women’s clothing, lingerie, shoes, makeup, wigs, perfume, jewelry, etc., etc., etc., and yet through it all, nothing has changed.

    Except me.

    As I’ve gotten older (yes, I’m an old broad now, past the half century mark), I’ve learned to be a little easier on myself, and a little easier on others. I still question why I am the way I am, but I don’t hate myself for it. I don’t know if I ever will really understand what drives me to want to look like and feel like and act like a woman. I’m being honest here. I don’t understand it. But by now it doesn’t really matter. It’s all part and parcel of who I am. There are days when I want to look and act male, and there are days when I want to look and act female, and there are days when I want to look male but feel female, so have on female lingerie, and lots of days where I’m somewhere in between. And because of my transgendered nature, it probably has blessed me in a lot of ways that I can’t even imagine or understand, and maybe never will (at least not in this life). I may be more sensitive, more open to new things, more willing to listen, easier to talk to, and on and on and on. Thousands of little things, I would guess.

    And if the day ever does dawn in this society where I can actually choose what sex I want to present myself as to the world, where I can actually wake up in the morning and say to myself ‘Today I want to be a woman’ and can actually go into my closet, get dressed, and go outside in public without fear or ridicule or retribution, then on that day I’ll know that the end is near, because the US of A is not, contrary to what people say, ready yet for people to be able to choose what gender they want to be, or choose what role they want to play on a daily basis. And that my dears, is a shame…

    God made us who we are (and yes, I firmly believe in God, but not organized religion as it exists in this country), so be proud of who and what you are. Be proud of the gifts that He has given to you. Be proud that you are wired such that you want to understand what it means to literally walk in the shoes of the other sex (although anything above a 3″ or 4″ heel these days gets tiresome quickly). Use your gifts and talents and abilities each and every day to better your life and the life of someone else. Reach out and help others, and show them that even as a man who dresses like a woman, you are above all a person first and foremost, and then be the best damn person you can be!

    And now, to paraphrase the great Mr. Spock, instead of “Live long and prosper”, I say “Live proud and prosper”.

    Hugs,

    Holly

  90. Carol 24 March, 2010 at 15:27 Reply

    Dear you mentioned the thrill of putting on pantyhose, heels and all kinds of girlie stuff…… and the word transgendered. Transgendered has nothing to do with cross dressing, heels, pantyhose or any of that other crap. Thats a turn on for fetishists. You do whatever you want. Im not putting you down, but being transgendered is hell, I know, as Ive been going through it, and soon it will be over. Do you seriously think I get kicks out of screwing around putting on miserable panty hose, or taking time to fix my face. I dislike wearing heels and only wear them to a nice dinner or show. They hurt my feet. I do it because Im a woman. Im proud, but Im not a fetishist. I have no turn on from clothes and just dont want to go out trashed. My turn on is friends, going to dinner, or a concert, travel, driving far away, and my vintage boat. Put your stuff on your side of the street, and Ill keep mine on this side. Transgendered is a serious term, not to be thrown out there when speaking about clothes, or heels. Thats another game. Carol Ann

  91. Hannah 24 March, 2010 at 16:15 Reply

    Oh Holly,

    I took the time and read your entire post and I must say that I agree and relate with you so well on what you had to say. I wont write a long dissertation to your post however, I will say you are right on and it was a well written commentary, opinion, thought, etc… My many years of experience as a long time crossdresser plays out very similar and congruent to your descriptive narrative and I’m very content the way things have evolved and as they are presently. I also understand that not everyone will totally relate from their own personal experiences.

    In regards to Carols repsonse to your post, I would like to intercede and share that the term Transgendered nowadays encompasses a wide array of indivduals including crossdresser, transvestite, drag queen, pre-op TS, post op TS, TG, etc… experts that research and study transgendered persons tend to report a multi-dimensions perspective on the many stages and aspects of TG person just as there are many persona’s of male and female gender… Im not impressed with your rationale when you say “Transgendered has nothing to do with cross dressing, heels, pantyhose or any of that other crap.” It seems a bit narrow minded and unaccepting of you and your perspective of others that are in fact possibly transgendered in some capacity or stage of their self awareness. Gender identity, gender dysphoria, and all or any other clinical terms are deep human psycholical and pyhsiolical realisms and cant be limited to a label on someone personally because of gender expresssion and identity. Acceptance and tolerance is most important to me amonst the many transgendered persons in our world. the COGIATI studies are very well worth reading and learning from. Feel free to look them up and indulge yourself in broadening your horizon on this topic… ~hugs~

    Gender

  92. Carol 24 March, 2010 at 17:12 Reply

    Hi Hannah. What I meant to suggest is not to include me into a catagory of fetishists, hustlers and drag queens. Ive been in this scene for 40 years. Ive seen them come and go, and I wish them well, but to say that Im in the same batch as that is nuts. Im a TS and if you take away all the clothes, turn ons and other crap, Im just a woman with the wrong body. Now Im not looking for sympathy but thats how it is. This has been hell, it really has been full of pain, but Im going to get this resolved soon. Once Ive had my surgury, am I still going to be transgendered, or a TS, or crosdresser or whatever? No I will be a complete woman. Ill no longer be any of that, as it will be behind me. I dont intend to drag that with me the rest of my life. I just want to finish out my life happy and at peace. I might add one thing, 20 years ago I was in a support group, and managed the telephone. Ive met, and spoken to ALL kinds, from adult babies, to fetishists of all kinds, from plastic, to rubber, to clothing to leather and various apparatus. . More power to them thats their lifestyle and good luck to them if it makes them happy. Ive spoken to hundreds of “crossdressers” who after speaking to them for a while.. see that theyre in it for the thrill or kicks or whatever and thats swell, but theres only one in a hundrerd thats actually a TS. Dont lump a TS in with a crosdresser or transvestite a rubberbaby, or bondage addict. I know there are so many combinations its unreal, but its a natural pheonema unique to mankind. If your a TS your a woman, or Man in a body that needs fixing. Dreams can come true, and I wish well for all of you. Im going to have a good belt of whiskey, after all this ranting I need it. Really I love you all, Carol Ann

  93. Maygen 31 May, 2010 at 17:45 Reply

    I am NOT ASHAMED to crossdress! When I'm all girled up I feel like who & what I am & was meant to be-a GIRL!!
    T totally love dressing, looking BEING the girl I was meant to be!
    MaygenAnne

  94. Hannah 24 March, 2010 at 16:23 Reply

    Hi Carol.. I thought I’d share with you what I wrote in response to Holly’s post that you responded with your thoughts and opinions..

    ~Hugs~

    Holly,

    I took the time and read your entire post and I must say that I agree and relate with you so well on what you had to say. I wont write a long dissertation to your post however, I will say you are right on and it was a well written commentary, opinion, thought, etc… My many years of experience as a long time crossdresser plays out very similar and congruent to your descriptive narrative and I’m very content the way things have evolved and as they are presently. I also understand that not everyone will totally relate from their own personal experiences.

    In regards to Carols repsonse to your post, I would like to intercede and share that the term Transgendered nowadays encompasses a wide array of indivduals including crossdresser, transvestite, drag queen, pre-op TS, post op TS, TG, etc… experts that research and study transgendered persons tend to report a multi-dimensions perspective on the many stages and aspects of TG person just as there are many persona’s of male and female gender… Im not impressed with your rationale when you say “Transgendered has nothing to do with cross dressing, heels, pantyhose or any of that other crap.” It seems a bit narrow minded and unaccepting of you and your perspective of others that are in fact possibly transgendered in some capacity or stage of their self awareness. Gender identity, gender dysphoria, and all or any other clinical terms are deep human psycholical and pyhsiolical realisms and cant be limited to a label on someone personally because of gender expresssion and identity. Acceptance and tolerance is most important to me amonst the many transgendered persons in our world. the COGIATI studies are very well worth reading and learning from. Feel free to look them up and indulge yourself in broadening your horizon on this topic… ~hugs~

  95. Holly 25 March, 2010 at 13:46 Reply

    Hi Carol Ann.

    Initially I was not going to respond to your post, especially after Hannah so eloquently responded (Thank you, Hannah!), but after further reflection decided that I needed to, so that you understand where I am coming from.

    I think that I understand your point of view, but I don’t think you understood mine. I used the term “transgendered” as it is currently utilized in the vernacular, as a broad term that encompasses the entire spectrum, from those who cross dress for fun or fetish, to those who suffer from GID to those who are in the process of transitioning. FOr myself, I fall somewhere in the spectrum between cross dressing for fun and GID, but I am not TS (nor would I want to be). I can only imagine the pain you must have experienced in your life, recognizing the fact that you were born i the wrong body. That has to be a 24/7 torture that won’t be resolved until you have fully transitioned and moved on to the next phase of your life as a woman.

    I will admit that there are times when my feelings are stronger, and I have a more urgent need to dress and present myself as a woman, but I do not have the feeling that I was born in the wrong body. My situation is more that I have these desires that I do not understand to dress and make up and present myself as a woman, but not to change my gender. I enjoy being a man. I also enjoy being a part-time woman when possible.

    And yes, perhaps some of what I wrote did come across as glorifying all things feminine, and at times I have to say that I agree with you, but at other times I don’t. I admit it, I like to be feminine, in the June Cleaver way, so I personally enjoy wearing lingerie, makeup, heels, jewelry, etc. To me there is nothing as exciting as shaving your legs and then pulling on a new pair of pantyhose. However, I fully understand your feelings that those type of actions are fetishistic to a degree, and agree that there are other times when I don’t want to do anything other than put on a bra and panties, no makeup at all, and just lounge around in my grubbies. It just all depends on the day, how I feel, what I’ve done, etc.

    But you know what? The same thing applies when I’m dressed as a man as well. There are times when I don’t want to wear dress slacks, a t-shirt, a dress shirt, belt and tie either. But there are other times when I like wearing a suit, being all dressed all up, my shoes are polished, my tie looks good, etc. So there are times when I want to glorify being a man as well. Is that fetishistic? I guess some people might consider it so. I however, just consider that I take pride in my appearance, whether as a male or female, and enjoy the preparation.

    But please, do not get on a high horse, or get “holier than thou” on me and say that because you are TS and I am “only TV” that the term transgendered does not apply to us both. It does, and whether or not you agree with it does not change anything. It is a matter of degree, and yes, you may be farther up the scale than I am, but we are both on that same scale, as are many of our sisters who contribute to these forums and discussions.

    Finally, you said “Transgendered is a serious term, not to be thrown out there when speaking about clothes, or heels. Thats another game. ” I agree that transgendered is a serious term, but it by itself is not the absolutely, over-arching defining term, at least not for me (and I suspect for many others here as well). The term is a broad categorization of a variety of different experiences/ailments/psychoses/etc. (depending on which definition you subscribe to) that we all experience in one way or another in our lives. So perhaps based on your background and experiences as you are transitioning, you may have had not-so-positive things happen, so you feel that you have to defend the point of view that transitioning is serious business. You don’t. We all understand that. We are all members of this unique and different sorority, so closer to one end and some closer to the other, but we’re all part of the same club, so we should all be there to help and support each other, and not bandy terms about like shuttlecocks, or create divisiveness among the sisters. You are correct, it is not a game, and whether we are gay, straight, bi, a fetishist, a cross dresser, a transvestite, a drag queen, a transsexual, an MTF, or anyone else on this continuum, we are all experiencing some of the same aspects of this lifestyle (note that I said “some”, not “all”), and that should bind us together more than it should divide us. We should be able to go to this community and be open and honest and share our feelings/fears/joys/hopes/etc., because if this community doesn’t understand us and support us, who will?

    Hags,

    Holly

  96. Carol 25 March, 2010 at 14:18 Reply

    Thanks Holly, for the reply. Using transgendered to apply to crossdressers dosent hold up with me. The term is too loose here. Sure some TS people may cross dress while finding out what they are, most I have had personal conversation with, are about the kicks of getting dressed and the turn on it is for them.. And while thats well and good for them, dont throw the term transgendered as a label to include them, or for that matter those hustlers who are nothing but male prostitutes who cross dress, some brilliantly well to lure clients and perform sex. Crossdrerssers are a unique niche and thats swell, really neat, BUT there is a seperation between transgendered and them that just dosent fit. Do you call the male prostitutes transgendered? They are cross dressers. Or the drag queens? They are crossdressers too. How about the guy that slips out once a month and sneaks into the gay bar to model his new dress (they dont care about girls in gay bars). Give me a break. Ive known drag queens who could care less about cross dressing yet did it as a tool of their trade, and made out well Ive been told. I once knew a drag queen who gave make up lessons to cross dressers. Cool stuff huh?! The loose application of the word transgendered just dosent seem right to me. Maybe it is, I can take it or leave it. Thats a serious term, and while there are some that fit that mold out there, they are few, compared to the others who just enjoy being a woman by dressing, and can return to their gender by peeling their clothes off. Some of us cant. Thats what Im saying. I hope I havent offended anyone, but this is all deep stuff. Do your own thing and be happy. Im no better or worse than anyone, and Im on no high horse. Just telling you all how I feel. Holly now you go try on your new stockings now, Ill be happy for you knowing you doing what makes you happy. End of sermon. Love carol A.

  97. Susan Veronica 25 March, 2010 at 20:16 Reply

    It is true that both lesbians and gays think we’re weird. I found out the hard way that we’re only tolerated but not accepted. Even at the bar, they like drag queen shows but the best behavior is ignoring us.

    As the crossdresser vs anything else, you’re on the point with the fact that we’re comfortable in our both genders and we don’t feel that we need surgery and all the other to go along.

  98. Jen 25 March, 2010 at 15:12 Reply

    Wow 😉 I finally found a good bra that fits me :) I bought a skirt that comes down to my knees and if I wear it a tiny bit lower then I should it will cover my knees, buy my knees are not to manly.

    The blouse shows the edges of the top of the bra, is there anyway to fix this? Maybe I chose a blouse to small? Blouse fits really nice without the bra, but makes me look like a slutty girl.

    I got really nice panties that hide my goods and look really sexy.

    Now all I have to do is get into the makeup and get my nails done and I will be heading down to Times Square :)

  99. Jen 26 March, 2010 at 00:08 Reply

    I got the Playtex 18 hour – Ultimate Shoulder Comfort. The bra is comfortable….I guess…however I think with the blouse I bought it would call for a bra that dose not cover my entire breast.

    I have not a single hint of hair on my chest, would never in my life be able to grow hair on my chest even if I wanted to, so I am going to keep the blouse. It is a really nice blouse – and then buy a shirt that comes up to my neck a bit better. It will hide this bra.

    The lady at Lamebryant was very good with me. I ended up letting her know it was for me. I think she already kind of thought it was, and she was so good about it. Although I had already bought the blouse form Dots.

    I am figuring the only stores that are good to shop at will be Dots, Lamebryant, the Avenue and Fashion Bug? These seem to be the only ones that carry Plus Sized women cloths. I am trying to stick to a bit of what I call “flashy” or “colorful”….”Simi-Dress up”…maybe something I can get away with going to a night club with and I am “trying” not to spend a ton of money for my first night out.

    Although after my post last night I noticed I am missing some important and expensive items…ex Shoes and Purse.

  100. Chris 25 July, 2010 at 05:26 Reply

    I have been crossdressing since I was very young, maybe 4 or 5 mostly from my mother dressing me in my sister's clothes. I have been trying to understand why all my life and now, 40+ years later, I still haven't figured it out. Ashamed? maybe. Confused is more accurate. I have read a little here and there on this and find limited comfort in that I am typically heterosexual with desires to wear women's clothes. Like many, I have taken sexual pleasure with it but that is not my driver. Sitting around the house for hours at a time in a dress and heels just feels "natural?" "Right?" "Good?" I am not sure which. I am seeking counseling next week to see if something can be uncovered that will help me understand why more so than get me to stop. If what I have read is true, there isn't anything out there to make me stop.

  101. Carol 26 March, 2010 at 11:19 Reply

    Hi Jen: I wear a just my size bra. Its JUST like a playtex, but not the big price. Theyre comfy, and fit just fine. Im not even a B cup, so the smallest cup size they offer is a B. I got some room to grow there, but its just snug on me, and holds me in. I have had some of them 3 years old, and they just look great.

  102. Chris 25 July, 2010 at 05:28 Reply

    Part 2
    I have purged and reacquired so many times I could probably fill a small boutique. My wife found out in 2005 and was very clear about her loathing of this aspect of my personality. She told me if I continue to do it, we will divorce. I was able to suppress it for a couple of years but the past 6 months have been rediculous in terms of purchases and frequency of dress. I am almost certainly going to lose my wife when I am found out. The last few purchases suggest that I am just out of control with this and I don't know where to turn. I am a fairly successful businessman with a graduate degree and a fruitful job as a strong agressive male. I am 6 feet tall former US Marine with most of my marine physique. Passing is not even on my radar. I have realized that is not the route for me although I spent many years in my teens and early twenties wondering about that.

  103. Edie 26 March, 2010 at 14:54 Reply

    Despite not following various urges for too long I have recently bought a huge number of bras – mostly Playtex and I know the one Jen is talking about. I’ve been quite brazen a 42B or C is unlikely to be for a woman. I’ve been in one Sears where they have been so quiet I’ve just gone into the female fitting rooms and tried them on in there – also in a 24/7 WalMart when the concierge packs up. WM is quite good for prices I recently bought a 5204 in black for $15.50 much cheaper than Penneys. One Female assistant in Sears invited me to see her again and she is quite non-plussed when I’ve bought more bras and some lovely Vanity Fair camisoles and pettipants; both of the latter I now wear during the day. I also have a lingerie assistant who invited me back, “come on back we can fix you up with whatever you might need,” at my local Dillards. Today I went back and she helped me pick out a jacket and matching skirt, found me a changing room on the female floor, and even went a swapped a size 18 skirt down to a 16 for me. The only thing she didn’t do was come into the room (I think she was guarding it from normal girls) and admire the fit (that was a good job because I was not wearing a gaff – or should that have been gaffe?), she was not fazed when I only bought the jacket (even with padding on the hips I likely need a 14 skirt) and when checking it out sweetly asked if I needed anything else to which I added a nice lacy garterbelt I had seen when I entered the store.

  104. Vanessa Law 26 July, 2010 at 01:01 Reply

    The purge cycle… one so many in our community are familiar with. It seems as though even keeping it at bay for a few years doesn't make it go away. A year, two years, five years – it always seems to resurface. We all have our own path to walk – for some perhaps this hiding is what they need, at the time. For myself a few years ago I found the only way I could move forward was acceptance. It's tough to do this in a way that is respectful to both yourself and those you love, and I don't claim to suggest a "one right way" for dealing with this. I've found that self acceptance, the support of loving friends and deep introspection have served me well.

  105. Racquel_Lynn 26 July, 2010 at 01:41 Reply

    I have never purged, but after a while in my current situation not being able to dress for, but finally coming out to my mother and getting back into it, I found that so many of my clothes no longer fit. I had not realized how much weight I have gained in such a short time.
    This is frustrating because after suspending my transition before due to my fathers poor health at the time when I had already began transitioning before, I was planning to tell my father soon and begin full time transition again by October.
    Now I will either have to start building a new wardrobe or lose weight. Money is really tight right now until I can get my business to pick up full time. I need to lose weight either way, so I guess I need to start dieting (for my figure as well as my health) then figure out how to make some extra money to do some shopping. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind shopping for new clothes, I just don't want to have to get rid of my old clothes.
    I don't think I could ever purge intentionally.

  106. jeanie 10 September, 2010 at 11:40 Reply

    no iam not ashamed any more bout i was at first then my wife and i talk about it and she was all for it and now she helps me dress up all the time and she cant wait till the next time to go out as women

  107. Vanessa 19 May, 2011 at 07:44 Reply

    I’m 19, and I have been crossdressing since I was 9.  Started out as playing dressup with my 6 y/o sister with my mom’s clothes.  By time I was 12, sis and I were home alone every afternoon  after school, until mom got home.   So I was dressing up every day, even tho moms clothes and shoes were still a bit big for me.   By 15 I reached my mom’s size [size 8 dress and  8.5 shoe] and LOVED it!!    And mom had a closet of old clothes and shoes, & costume jewelry that became “my” stash!  Just the feel of a nice dress, a bra, and HIGH HEELS!  Call me crazy, but I find them very easy to walk in, and love how my feet look in sandals.   The sis started makeing up my face, and tho it was kinda messy, I looked real nice.   By 17, I realized i was soooo hooked on crossdressing, and I needed to make a decision, as mom still didnt know.
    One snowy Saturday sis and I tell mom we have a surprise.   The day before I had shaved my legs and polished my toenails, and bought a wig at Goodwill.   We go to sis’s room and I get all dolled up – nice floral print dress, knee length, sandalfoot  pantyhose,  and strappy 4″ heel sandals.   Sis did my makeup, and I polished my nails.  Some jewelry, my wig and I was ready!!    Sis comes out and makes an announcement, and I make my entrance, like walking the runway.  My mom looked VERY surprised as I said, ‘Well, how do I look?”   It just felt so right!!
    Long story shorter, mom tells me to get into my clothes, and I’m begging her to let me stay dressed.   We have a long talk, and she says she had a feeling I was wearing her old clothes, but had no idea how long or to what extent.  She said my level of how normal I acted in her clothes, and how well I walked in heels gave it away.  I admitted how long, and that  it was everyday.    I told her how important it was to me, and how I loved it so.   What helped was that I was an honors student, never in trouble, and did all my chores.  Mom consented to let me dress whenever, as long as I never embarrassed the family.    I now have my own female undergarments, and I’m buying more age appropriate clothes.   I wish sis was my size [she’s close], cos I’d have even more clothes to wear.   Mom still chuckles that I do 4 or 5 hours of housework in heels – and I’m only too happy to do more than my share of the chores. 

  108. phylisanne bernstein 12 September, 2011 at 10:34 Reply

    the miniute i came out and had a makeover at femme fever i never looked back and i have been dressing and going out now for over ten years.love phylisanne.

  109. Kathy 14 October, 2011 at 16:34 Reply

    i am proud to be a crossdresser.my mother helped me when i finally told her at sixteen years of age.then in later years my five sisters found out and were very supporting.so why should i not be proud.Kathy

Yes No