Last week I got a resounding response when I touched on the topic of otherwise benign crossdressing websites displaying a warning. Perhaps, not so subtly asking the question – Are we ashamed of crossdressing?
I got a touching response from Michelle via email. She has kindly allowed me to share it with you:
But some of us are not proud of who we are at all. I for one am VERY conflicted. I really enjoy dressing up pretty and sometimes it is sexual, but sometimes it is not. My wife, however, does not tolerate it at all, sexual or not, private or not. I love my wife dearly, so when I do dress behind her back, I feel extremely guilty. Sometimes the guilt is because I have been to websites that I should not have been to, and sometimes it is because I have indulged myself sexually (never with another person, just masturbating, but still) and I know that she would not be pleased. Sometimes I wish that Michelle would just go away and not haunt me anymore. But then, I am irresistibly drawn to do something later that I will regret. I feel as though I have no power of myself. But you are happy with who you are so you probably don’t understand me (and those like me) and I don’t even know why I am telling you all this.
Michelle showed bravery and honesty in sharing this with me. I know first hand the pain, self-loathing and confusion she expresses. The lack of control over your desires, wanting to fulfill your needs and to still love and respect your wife. These are not easy things to grapple with. Many people never have to deal with something so heart wrenching.
Michelle’s email is a beautiful expression of a truth many crossdressers live with, and it touched a chord with me. I thought I’d share my response to her with you, dear reader.
I spent much of my life believing that crossdressing was a curse, or worse – a sin I needed constant forgiveness for. Society and religion had convinced me that I was doing something wrong. If only I had enough will power, or enough faith, or a mastery of my emotional triggers – then I would be free of crossdressing. I was wrong for doing it, and I was weak for continuing. As much as I accomplished in my life I could never conquer crossdressing. I felt powerless, until I realized that I did have the power.
I could not change my desire to crossdress, any more than I could change my height or the color of my eyes. But I could change the meaning it held for me. Up until then I had viewed crossdressing as a cross I must bear, but what if it was truly a blessing? I couldn’t make society accept me, but what if I accepted myself?
With much introspection I asked myself – why should I be ashamed of crossdressing? At this question my mind flooded me with answers, most of which involved some variation of how other people would perceive me. I tend to agonize about what other people think, but crossdress or not, other people have perceptions of me – both positive and negative that I can influence but not control. Should I be ashamed because of what other people may think? For centuries people thought ill of another based on the color of their skin. Does that mean every person of color should feel ashamed? Absolutely not!
It took a long time, but I finally overcame this reason to be ashamed. Yet so many more reasons remained. One kept nagging me – ‘was this the most productive use of my time?’. Were the hours spent perfecting my makeup technique and shopping for clothes well spent? Perhaps not – though the same could be said for hitting a little white ball around with a stick.
The mind is cunning, next it asked, ‘What about your wife Vanessa? Surely your crossdressing must do harm to her, don’t you feel guilty about what you put her through?’ Ahh, well played mind. I do feel guilty about this. For my wife I want to be the man she deserves. I don’t agonize about the perceptions of the nameless stranger on the street, but I do care very deeply about what my wife thinks.
So I took a step back, and took stock of my ‘husbandry’. I crossdress, but I’m more caring and compassionate than most men. I wear makeup, but I treat her as my equal and respect her opinion. I’d rather get a manicure than tinker with a car, but I share my feelings and listen to her do the same. I realized that our relationship to another is more complex than a single issue. How fortunate a couple would be if crossdressing were the only issue to deal with. It doesn’t erase the guilt I feel putting her through this, but it does put it in perspective. Would your wife rather you spend every night drinking in the bar than crossdress? Likely not…
Sex has a unique way of making us feel guilty – we’re conditioned to be ashamed of our bodies almost since birth. In this case, perhaps you feel uncomfortable that your desire to crossdress is partly sexual. Even organizations like Tri-Ess try their best to separate crossdressing from sexuality. This is one I don’t feel qualified to unpack, though having a sex drive and becoming aroused is natural and healthy.
So is crossdressing a blessing? That’s something you get to decide for yourself. Personally, crossdressing has made me a better person. It has also allowed me a unique opportunity to share my acceptance with others. If I can offer just one person comfort and hope, then I’m doubly blessed in getting to share my blessing with others.
You may not be able to control your crossdressing, but you can control what it means to you. Will it mean shame, guilt and heartache? Will it be a part time hobby you indulge in, as harmful as a round of golf? Or will it open up the doors to bless others with compassion and love?
The choice is yours. The only wrong answer is choosing not to decide.
Hugs and blessings,
Vanessa
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Dear reader, what do you think? How have you come to terms with your crossdressing? How do you deal with the shame and guilt? Is crossdressing a blessing or a curse?
Leave a comment and help another in heartache.
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I know this comment might be slightly different but I felt the need to share my thoughts. I am not a cross dresser I am a straight woman. Recently I met my first cross dresser face to face. It was a business meeting and I had no idea I was going to meet a cross dresser. I met her and new instantly she was a he. I thought to myself I am a pretty open person so who am I to judge. Long story short she has become one of my best friends. We share advice on girls clothes, make… Read more »
Thank you Tracy. The world would be a much better place if we had more people like you! 🙂
As Raquel said. Thanks. That was a really nice post to read early in the morning – if only there were more people like you in the world..
I would like to bring up a touchy subject though and it falls inline with this topic. It’s not so much that we’re embarrassed with ourselves as others are embarrassed plenty for us when it comes to employment. GG’s are uncomfortable due to the restroom issues and men are men and feeling their masculinity threatened. I was told that I had to use the unisex bathroom, even though while living as a woman. It’s a bit humiliating to be told by the boss that you can’t use the restroom. But, state law states that they must provide all employees restrooms.… Read more »
Yikes Patti! That’s terrible treatment (though on the bright side I’m sure it helped you get a bit fitter with a half mile to the bathroom and back ;). I think there are two things going on – at least in my limited second hand experience of this. Firstly, employers have a legitimate concern about how transgender employees will impact the rest of the workplace and their clientèle. In my opinion this is similar to how people with disabilities or minorities have had to fight for equal rights. When you’re climbing up the mountain it looks steep and rugged, but… Read more »
I definitely agree that we need to change the perception of who and what we are from being deviant behavior to us being our natural selves like the rest of the population. The road is long and arduous, and legislation still has a very long, long way to go to afford us the same equal opportunities that are afforded to others. It took me having to dress and act male for me to gain employment. While they look at the application, there sentiment is that they hired a certain gender to fulfill the position. I have ran into this countless… Read more »
As Vanessa stated, and Patti also touches on a bit, the fight that women had for equality, the fight that people had for racial equality and also equality for the disabled are the same kind of fight we are struggling through except for one thing. We have an extra element against us. That is the perception that people have that our gender identity is a choice. Most people have the attitude that you can’t help what color skin you are born with, if you were born with a disability or cannot help your disability from an accident or disease that… Read more »
The question is, how do we change the mindset and perceptions of those who are totally clueless? Through leadership, creating a known organization who will legislate and lobby for the transgendered/crossdressing communities across the US. We need more education and more training, we need more studies done and much more. In a sense, we need to become lab rats as bad as that sounds, but that is the only way to gather more information. On the other hand, we have people like Stu Rasmussen of Silverton, Oregon who gives the rest of us a bad reputation. We have the media… Read more »
Tracey, thank you for sharing you experience. It’s a blessing to have people like you in the world. *HUGS*
Am I ashamed of being a crossdresser? That is a question I ask myself everyday. They say the average person thinks about sex multiple times a day, I think about who I am, what I like and how i dont fit into society norms (if there is such a thing). A little about me. I have been crossdressing since I was very little when my sisters started playing dress up with me. ( which I found made me fell whole). Over the years I have followed typical path of denials and purges. Even though I have never gone out in… Read more »
Jessica, I went through basically what you are going through, except my ex kept our child. I totally empathize with you and my heartfelt prayers are with you as you struggle through all of this. It’s a tough road, one that we would not have chosen for ourselves. Something that people just do not understand about us is that we’re still human, still have feelings and emotions, that we aren’t just throw-away boyfriends/girlfriends that on a whim we can just up and change the very fiber of our being down the very core of who and what we are. We’re… Read more »
I also miss Goldies Shoe Store. It was the only place in town that would order, and sometimes even carry heals in my size (14W). But a friends told me about sexyshoes.com they have an even better selection and alot of their styles are available in larger sizes. The prices aren’t too bad, some are a little high, and you do have to pay shipping and wait for delivery, but it’s a great site for shoes. They even have some that come as big as 16.
oh thats a nice site and the shoes aren’t too expensive either…. I can see where my next few months of clothes/shoe budget will go 🙂
Patti is right, Jessica. No one deserves to have someone who cheats on them. You should not be ashamed of Creossdressing at all. That is no excuse for your wife to cheat. A cheater is a cheater and she would have cheated even if you were not a crossdresser. She just has very little character. Do not let her use you just to make it to retirement. If that is all she wants you for then let her support herself till then. If that is all you are to her, and she is not at all concerned about your life… Read more »
Jessica dear – Patti and Racquel are right. Noone deserves to be cheated on – you shouldn’t blame yourself for your wife’s mistakes. In any marriage both people have a hand it’s happiness or lack thereof, but from your story it sounds like you’ve stood by her while she’s treated you badly. Don’t blame your transgendered nature love – I know many crossdressers who are happily married. And don’t let her make you feel less than a person because of who you are.
I pray that your family will be blessed in abundance. Hugs
Vanessa
Ashamed? Nope… Last night my wife and I went to the Holy Grail of Femininity with me dressed as Patti to Victoria’s Secret to look for bras for both of us. Unfortunately, they did not have something in my size at VS, so we went to the second Holy Grail of Femininity… Frederick’s of Hollywood to buy me 2 brand new Extreme Cleavage Bras.
The girls at either place did not even remotely suspect or if they did, they were EXTREMELY professional about it.
A little trick I have for vickys bras. As im a 40b and they dont carry sizes like that is i get a 38 b and use a bra extender i usually cut down and die to a similar color. Works really well with wonder bra too, only back close though.
I only wish I had a fredricks close enough to go to.
Hugs
I love both Victoria’s Secret and Frederic’s. Wish I had the budget to go there more often. We had a great Frederic’s here in one mall, and Vcitoria’s in all the other malls for years. Then, out of the blue, Victoria’s opened up in the mall that Frederic’s was in right next door to them. That Frederic’s closed down a couple of years later. I had a really good friend that worked there who lost her job in the process, although she got a really good job offer for upper management at some other major clothing store in the mall… Read more »
Bravo Patti!
I dont go all the way in dressing. I am what you would call a underdresser. (mostly because if my wife found out I was still wearing womens clothing, even underwear, it more than likely would be ‘curtains for my marriage) so thats one reason I just underdress and then only while at work. But I also enjoy wearing just lingerie under my outerwear. While I have on rare occassion put on dresses and/or a skirt, it is rare, again, given the condition mentioned above. No, I am not ashamed of my crossdressing. I find it relaxing and quite comfortable,… Read more »
Yvonne, I think it is a shame that you are not able to at least share this openly with your wife in private at home, she doesn’t know of the closeness she is missing out on, but I understand different situations. It sounds like you are at least somewhat satisfiedand content with underdressing. I also am a Christian. I also believe that I should have been born female and am working toward having what I call “Corrective Surgery". I spent alot of time conflicted with religion and my crossdressing/transsexualism. It came down to the fact that I had to stop… Read more »
I underdress as its the most secretive way to crossdress around work and my family. As I have mentioned before , my wife has a big dislike of crossdressing, specialy by me. I did about a week ago make a mistake. Somehow a receipt from a goodwill stor was found on my living room floor. she dosent shop at goodwill, but sometimes I do and she knows this, she also knows that at times I have bought womens clothing there, well later that day she confronted me with it. I was honest with her, I told her it was a… Read more »
I am honestly, ashamed. I keep it a secret from my family. I’m a teenager, a young one at that and for whatever reason when I am in a skirt or panties, I feel…more comftable. I would never wear this is in public (I don’t discriminate, I just wouldn’t want people to know of my “habit") I am glad to get this off my chest.
The most I’ve ever worn was a bra and panties, and I do it when no one is home and I am in the bathroom and the door is locked. Thanks for listening, sisters.
~Samantha
Wow! The exchanges here show how diverse our experiences are living with a common need to be cross dressers and all the other words used to defne trannies. I would be a fool not to see the difficulties and hate the bravado some use to diminish the situations so many of us live in. Particularly with the women we’re married to who so often suffer with their perception of what a man should or should not do. So much is of couse determined by what others will think of her if they knew her husband or boyfriend wore femme clothes.… Read more »
So true, Molly! I was blessed to have had such a wonderful and accepting wife when I came out. My ex accepted me completely and was very proud of me. She had no problem with her friends knowing about me. None of it embarrassed her. She knew before we were married and we lasted close to 10 years. We’d go shopping together, sometimes I would be crossdressed and sometimes not, but we always had so much fun shopping together for clothes or anything else. Since the divorce, I have dated a few girls and they have all known and most… Read more »
Am I ashamed of being a crossdresser? That is a GREAT question, and one that I ask myself over and over again. The answer is, it depends. Depends? On what? It depends on what my mood is that day. It depends on whether my wife and I have had a fight that day, so I’m using crossdressing as an escape from the world for a little bit. It depends on whether I’m feeling stressed out, so dress to forget the stresses of life. It depends on if I’m feeling particularly feminine that day, so dress to express that part of… Read more »
AMEN HOLLY! You could not have said it any better!
The question of whether or not cross dressers are ashamed is a very good one, and one that doesn’t yields easy answers. A couple of points: MTF cross dressing is still unacceptable to very large segments of society. As women gain more and more economic and social clout this resistance could very well lessen as it could be seen more as a natural imitation of power, and not classified as a perversion, a fetish, or down right silly in much the same manner FTM cross dressing is seen today. In fact, although somewhat exaggerated, over time it’s easy to imagine… Read more »
Hi! I’ve been crossdressing since I was 8 years old, I’m 55 next month. I"m married and have 3 wonderful children. I think my wife knows I crossdress, it’s hard not to notice her husband likes to wear short shorts made for women and has shaven legs. I have been seen dressed in short skirts and shorts in my home town and have never been ridiclued, I’d like to believe I can pass as a women (since no real man would be caught with smooth legs) right? How I hated winter since I couldn’t go out dressed and was too… Read more »