Are you ashamed of being a crossdresser

Last week I got a resounding response when I touched on the topic of otherwise benign crossdressing websites displaying a warning. Perhaps, not so subtly asking the question – Are we ashamed of crossdressing?

I got a touching response from Michelle via email. She has kindly allowed me to share it with you:

But some of us are not proud of who we are at all.  I for one am VERY conflicted.  I really enjoy dressing up pretty and sometimes it is sexual, but sometimes it is not.  My wife, however, does not tolerate it at all, sexual or not, private or not.  I love my wife dearly, so when I do dress behind her back, I feel extremely guilty.  Sometimes the guilt is because I have been to websites that I should not have been to, and sometimes it is because I have indulged myself sexually (never with another person, just masturbating, but still) and I know that she would not be pleased.  Sometimes I wish that Michelle would just go away and not haunt me anymore.  But then, I am irresistibly drawn to do something later that I will regret.  I feel as though I have no power of myself.  But you are happy with who you are so you probably don’t understand me (and those like me) and I don’t even know why I am telling you all this.

Michelle showed bravery and honesty in sharing this with me. I know first hand the pain, self-loathing and confusion she expresses. The lack of control over your desires, wanting to fulfill your needs and to still love and respect your wife. These are not easy things to grapple with. Many people never have to deal with something so heart wrenching.

Michelle’s email is a beautiful expression of a truth many crossdressers live with, and it touched a chord with me. I thought I’d share my response to her with you, dear reader.

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I spent much of my life believing that crossdressing was a curse, or worse – a sin I needed constant forgiveness for. Society and religion had convinced me that I was doing something wrong. If only I had enough will power, or enough faith, or a mastery of my emotional triggers – then I would be free of crossdressing. I was wrong for doing it, and I was weak for continuing. As much as I accomplished in my life I could never conquer crossdressing. I felt powerless, until I realized that I did have the power.

I could not change my desire to crossdress, any more than I could change my height or the color of my eyes. But I could change the meaning it held for me. Up until then I had viewed crossdressing as a cross I must bear, but what if it was truly a blessing? I couldn’t make society accept me, but what if I accepted myself?

With much introspection I asked myself – why should I be ashamed of crossdressing? At this question my mind flooded me with answers, most of which involved some variation of how other people would perceive me. I tend to agonize about what other people think, but crossdress or not, other people have perceptions of me – both positive and negative that I can influence but not control. Should I be ashamed because of what other people may think? For centuries people thought ill of another based on the color of their skin. Does that mean every person of color should feel ashamed? Absolutely not!

It took a long time, but I finally overcame this reason to be ashamed. Yet so many more reasons remained. One kept nagging me – ‘was this the most productive use of my time?’. Were the hours spent perfecting my makeup technique and shopping for clothes well spent? Perhaps not – though the same could be said for hitting a little white ball around with a stick.

The mind is cunning, next it asked, ‘What about your wife Vanessa? Surely your crossdressing must do harm to her, don’t you feel guilty about what you put her through?’ Ahh, well played mind. I do feel guilty about this. For my wife I want to be the man she deserves. I don’t agonize about the perceptions of the nameless stranger on the street, but I do care very deeply about what my wife thinks.

So I took a step back, and took stock of my ‘husbandry’. I crossdress, but I’m more caring and compassionate than most men. I wear makeup, but I treat her as my equal and respect her opinion. I’d rather get a manicure than tinker with a car, but I share my feelings and listen to her do the same. I realized that our relationship to another is more complex than a single issue. How fortunate a couple would be if crossdressing were the only issue to deal with. It doesn’t erase the guilt I feel putting her through this, but it does put it in perspective. Would your wife rather you spend every night drinking in the bar than crossdress? Likely not…

Sex has a unique way of making us feel guilty – we’re conditioned to be ashamed of our bodies almost since birth. In this case, perhaps you feel uncomfortable that your desire to crossdress is partly sexual. Even organizations like Tri-Ess try their best to separate crossdressing from sexuality. This is one I don’t feel qualified to unpack, though having a sex drive and becoming aroused is natural and healthy.

So is crossdressing a blessing? That’s something you get to decide for yourself. Personally, crossdressing has made me a better person. It has also allowed me a unique opportunity to share my acceptance with others. If I can offer just one person comfort and hope, then I’m doubly blessed in getting to share my blessing with others.

You may not be able to control your crossdressing, but you can control what it means to you. Will it mean shame, guilt and heartache? Will it be a part time hobby you indulge in, as harmful as a round of golf? Or will it open up the doors to bless others with compassion and love?

The choice is yours. The only wrong answer is choosing not to decide.

Hugs and blessings,
Vanessa


Dear reader, what do you think? How have you come to terms with your crossdressing? How do you deal with the shame and guilt? Is crossdressing a blessing or a curse?

Leave a comment and help another in heartache.

EnFemme

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Patty
Patty
14 years ago

I am so conflicted. I feel so good dressed and I also feel so ashamed. I am wearing panties, hose and slip under my clothing and I love it. I do not desire any one other than my wife but am so afraid to tell her my desires. She already thinks I am gay (am not) and has kicked me out of bedroom. I am just a guy who loves dressing. I cannot “pass" nor do I really want to be a drag queen. On top of that I am clergy which realy makes everything harder. I would love to… Read more »

Shannon
Shannon
14 years ago
Reply to  Patty

I feel ashamed because i have never been able to come forward and admit my femme side to my wife of 11 years. I have gone out in public dressed and frequent a cute shop in which the sales ladies are always helpful/ understanding and they even let me try things on. I come home and I’m ashamed that I have this secret since I know you should never hide things when starting out a marriage. Well I did and I rationalized I could stop dressing ……..well that never happened! I want to tell her but feel there is so… Read more »

Joleen
Joleen
14 years ago

I too, enjoy my crossdressing. I have been doing so for years, on and off since I was around 9. As with many others, I had to keep it secret. Its not a fetish for me ! I have always enjoyed wearing womens clothing even as a toddler of 4. But as i got older, had to keep it secret. All through my life when I would look at another woman, I would wonder what her dress or outfit would look like on me? one day, while driving to go bowling with my girlfriend (now wife) I passed a girl… Read more »

Carol
Carol
14 years ago
Reply to  Joleen

Joleen. Are you sure its not a fetish? It may be that she thinks it is. If she believes your getting gratification out of it, the corssdressing is essentially replacing “her" in her head. So sit down and talk to her. No not made up, and in a dress or whatever, but just one on one and see if that dosent help. Calmly is the way. if not, see a sex tharapist, your feelings are not going to change, but you may be able to change her attitude with professional help. Carol

Hannah
Hannah
14 years ago
Reply to  Joleen

Hi Joleen… I would try to introduce your wife to support outlets such as a book on the topic of crossdressing or find a local support group for women, wives, and girlfriends of Crossdressers which can be found here on this site. I can relate to your story although I find it much easier to share my crossdressing hobby with women upfront from the beginning. I realize you are married and it past the beginning stages of meeting your wife so I would try to show your wife some online information about crossdressing or pick up a book at your… Read more »

Carol
Carol
14 years ago
Reply to  Joleen

Joleen….So if she found you wearing femenine things she would divorce you? Thats serious stuff. Your not going to change, and shes not……… but to put it in perspective, what if she started wearing jockey shorts and muscle shirts, and cut her hair short, and wore boy shoes and jeans. BOY jeans. That would raise your flag. Iff you see a sex counselor apprised of such issues, and there are plenty of them, she will find theres nothing to fear, importantly coming from a third party. It will be worth the money. Check occasionally for those combat boots under her… Read more »

Robert
Robert
14 years ago

No Vanessa I am not ashamed of my crossdressing, a little nervous at times, but not ashamed. You see I feel my crossdressing is an extention of my true self. Yes I’m a male, but so what. I see nothing wrong with men or boys wearing dresses or skirts. I love the feel of the clothing. Most of mens wear is scratchy and course, I have always liked softer things. I hated jeans as a boy and still do today. I don’t even own a pair of jeans. During the winter I wear sweats if its to cold. Dresses and… Read more »

Karen
Karen
14 years ago

I’ve Loved my feminine part of me for a long time. I have asked myself why I do. At first (when I was younger) I thought it was comforting. As I got older I thought it was a sexual kick. Now I realise it is who I am. I used to buy false breasts or padded bras. About 8 Months ago I saw a web site for natural breast breast growth for men. I started taking the herbal treatment. The results are fantastic. Not only do I feel better and look a lot more feminine, but when I have to… Read more »

Carol
Carol
14 years ago
Reply to  Karen

Hi Karen. I know just how you feel. 20 years ago I found a doctor who helped me with hormones. I was on them 3 years and grew fine breasts. I then went off of them until about 6 months ago. Now that Im in transition, I have an understanding doctor, who really is helping me. Its great to touch there, and grab a handfull of boobs! I havent worn falsies for 20 years. Im so proud of myself. Being helped by a professional really gives great results. You might go to your MD and explain who you are, and… Read more »

Susan Veronica
Susan Veronica
14 years ago

Ashamed? Why? I am an unemployed girl with luck running out and with time going so fast and so much to do, I am unable to post as much as I would like to. But here are a couple cents worth of good common sense this ashamed issue. In the Bible and I’ll look into it hopefully I’ll find it, God said to one of his prophets when he stepped out of line; ‘If you want me to listen to your prayers, shake up you skirt.’ Is that indicative of the fact that in the old times skirts were for… Read more »

Deana
Deana
13 years ago
Reply to  Susan Veronica

I still feel ashamed at times, but as I learn to love Deana for who she is the shame slowly goes away. My main problem is being to afford hair removal. I hated doing that before I started crossdressing.

Kandice Schuff
Kandice Schuff
13 years ago
Reply to  Deana

Very good read, it opend my eyes, thanks!

Chris
Chris
13 years ago

Part 3 Reading the posts on this site show a spectrum of "Girls" here that ranges from perfectly accepting lifestyle with people who love and support to enraged hurt women who rightfully feel betrayed by the long (or short) term deception to the unsure timid, scared newcomers to even those like me (maybe a little younger) who just don't wuite feel OK with it. I think if there is shame on my part it may just be feeling as though I have failed to live up to my perceptions of what is expected of me as a man, a Marine,… Read more »

Vanessa Law
Vanessa Law
13 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Thanks you for sharing Chris, and thank you for being part of the community. It's always a blessing to hear from thoughtful and loving people like yourself.

JayJ
JayJ
13 years ago

As an online seller of womens sexy plus size clothing. I am both proud and honored to say that more than 60% of my buyers are men who dress. I love the idea that they feel free enough to email me for help in selecting items. More exciting is that many couples are now buying, women for themselves and ALSO for the husband. I've always kept my auctions private for my male buyers' discretion yet wish that this need not be the case. As I support them, I wish that all could as well. Today's community should be at a… Read more »

Josephine Shaffer
Josephine Shaffer
13 years ago
Reply to  JayJ

JayJ There is a lot that i am proud of is that i can enjoy is buying women's clothing, and wearing them i can also say this i am not ashamed of crossdressing as a Girl either i would rather female body like i wanted when i was a 10 year old boy i just wanted to be a Girl that's all i ever wanted since childhood.

Melissa
Melissa
13 years ago

Shame is something everyone of us cross dressers have had to deal with. I am 54 years old and I have been cross dressing mostly in secret since the age of 4. The most shocking thing was I never fully understood why and I was never able to stop. It took me months of therapy to realize that I was transgendered and that I had nothing to be ashamed of. Dear ladies, odds are you were born this way and the reasons for your behavior are probably rooted in your biology. This means you are not really cross dressing but… Read more »

carla
carla
13 years ago

I’m a crossdresser too and I’m marrie, I feel bad every time I doit to but
Is just something that you can’t control I wish I could.

terri
terri
13 years ago

i have come to realize that my crossdressing is nothing to be ashamed of, that there is nothing wrong with me or others who engage in this liberating activity. My wife hates it, she is a very accepting & tolerant woman, except when t comes to crossdressing. I only engage in it when she is away and usually only at home. As I have become more proficient in dressing, hair & makeup, I have begun venturing out. The freedom of being who I really am is intoxicating. I have come to the point that if my wife gave me an… Read more »

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