Last week I got a resounding response when I touched on the topic of otherwise benign crossdressing websites displaying a warning. Perhaps, not so subtly asking the question – Are we ashamed of crossdressing?
I got a touching response from Michelle via email. She has kindly allowed me to share it with you:
But some of us are not proud of who we are at all. I for one am VERY conflicted. I really enjoy dressing up pretty and sometimes it is sexual, but sometimes it is not. My wife, however, does not tolerate it at all, sexual or not, private or not. I love my wife dearly, so when I do dress behind her back, I feel extremely guilty. Sometimes the guilt is because I have been to websites that I should not have been to, and sometimes it is because I have indulged myself sexually (never with another person, just masturbating, but still) and I know that she would not be pleased. Sometimes I wish that Michelle would just go away and not haunt me anymore. But then, I am irresistibly drawn to do something later that I will regret. I feel as though I have no power of myself. But you are happy with who you are so you probably don’t understand me (and those like me) and I don’t even know why I am telling you all this.
Michelle showed bravery and honesty in sharing this with me. I know first hand the pain, self-loathing and confusion she expresses. The lack of control over your desires, wanting to fulfill your needs and to still love and respect your wife. These are not easy things to grapple with. Many people never have to deal with something so heart wrenching.
Michelle’s email is a beautiful expression of a truth many crossdressers live with, and it touched a chord with me. I thought I’d share my response to her with you, dear reader.
I spent much of my life believing that crossdressing was a curse, or worse – a sin I needed constant forgiveness for. Society and religion had convinced me that I was doing something wrong. If only I had enough will power, or enough faith, or a mastery of my emotional triggers – then I would be free of crossdressing. I was wrong for doing it, and I was weak for continuing. As much as I accomplished in my life I could never conquer crossdressing. I felt powerless, until I realized that I did have the power.
I could not change my desire to crossdress, any more than I could change my height or the color of my eyes. But I could change the meaning it held for me. Up until then I had viewed crossdressing as a cross I must bear, but what if it was truly a blessing? I couldn’t make society accept me, but what if I accepted myself?
With much introspection I asked myself – why should I be ashamed of crossdressing? At this question my mind flooded me with answers, most of which involved some variation of how other people would perceive me. I tend to agonize about what other people think, but crossdress or not, other people have perceptions of me – both positive and negative that I can influence but not control. Should I be ashamed because of what other people may think? For centuries people thought ill of another based on the color of their skin. Does that mean every person of color should feel ashamed? Absolutely not!
It took a long time, but I finally overcame this reason to be ashamed. Yet so many more reasons remained. One kept nagging me – ‘was this the most productive use of my time?’. Were the hours spent perfecting my makeup technique and shopping for clothes well spent? Perhaps not – though the same could be said for hitting a little white ball around with a stick.
The mind is cunning, next it asked, ‘What about your wife Vanessa? Surely your crossdressing must do harm to her, don’t you feel guilty about what you put her through?’ Ahh, well played mind. I do feel guilty about this. For my wife I want to be the man she deserves. I don’t agonize about the perceptions of the nameless stranger on the street, but I do care very deeply about what my wife thinks.
So I took a step back, and took stock of my ‘husbandry’. I crossdress, but I’m more caring and compassionate than most men. I wear makeup, but I treat her as my equal and respect her opinion. I’d rather get a manicure than tinker with a car, but I share my feelings and listen to her do the same. I realized that our relationship to another is more complex than a single issue. How fortunate a couple would be if crossdressing were the only issue to deal with. It doesn’t erase the guilt I feel putting her through this, but it does put it in perspective. Would your wife rather you spend every night drinking in the bar than crossdress? Likely not…
Sex has a unique way of making us feel guilty – we’re conditioned to be ashamed of our bodies almost since birth. In this case, perhaps you feel uncomfortable that your desire to crossdress is partly sexual. Even organizations like Tri-Ess try their best to separate crossdressing from sexuality. This is one I don’t feel qualified to unpack, though having a sex drive and becoming aroused is natural and healthy.
So is crossdressing a blessing? That’s something you get to decide for yourself. Personally, crossdressing has made me a better person. It has also allowed me a unique opportunity to share my acceptance with others. If I can offer just one person comfort and hope, then I’m doubly blessed in getting to share my blessing with others.
You may not be able to control your crossdressing, but you can control what it means to you. Will it mean shame, guilt and heartache? Will it be a part time hobby you indulge in, as harmful as a round of golf? Or will it open up the doors to bless others with compassion and love?
The choice is yours. The only wrong answer is choosing not to decide.
Hugs and blessings,
Vanessa
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Dear reader, what do you think? How have you come to terms with your crossdressing? How do you deal with the shame and guilt? Is crossdressing a blessing or a curse?
Leave a comment and help another in heartache.
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I was raised Catholic so you maybe can imagine the guilt I had through the years. The buying and throwing away almost drove me wacky. Then in 1989 I had a huge life changing experience when I almost died from cancer, after which I took on a totally different outlook. After I had recovered from all the Chemo, Radiation and Surgery I realized the desire to dress was as strong as ever. It was then I realized that what I wore and how it makes me feel has nothing to do with what happens at the end of life, it… Read more »
I only partially cross dress It gives me a feeling of peace and wellbeing. I started with my mother’s stockings at age 9.I find it hugely relaxing and I do really envy women.I would describe myself as asexual, perhaps with lesbian and submissive leanings.Am I confused ?. Yes very much so.
not ashamed at all,iv’e been moer or less dressed as a girl for a bunch of years,now,why change?
Well as most people here I have been ashamed of it almost my whole life. I have finally come to terms with it and do feel much better about it. It may be strange but I feel a certain comfort when dressed and less stressed out. But what is it all for? It can make you feel very lonely and isolated. No matter what I’d do to stop doing it it doesn’t work so I quit trying to quit. My girlfriend knows and said she doesn’t care but I know she does and it kills me. It sure would be… Read more »
I been cross-dressing for along time. Maybe almost 20 years (or since I was about 5 i guess). For ages I was conflicted about it. I actually thought I might be gay because of the cross-dressing but recently found out you can be completely straight and crossdress. I didn’t really start telling anyone about it until I finished college. I started to buy alot more girls clothes. In fact I probably own more girls clothes than guys clothes. I usually shop at thrift shops because they have large variety of styles at super cheap prices. I am really proud of… Read more »
I must say like most I (had) the same guilt my mother even told me one time that she prayed that I would feel this and change but that did not stop me well maybe for a couple of weeks it did just before her passing I sat down with her and had a hart to hart talk with her about my feeling and why I do crossdress she understood and changed her ways on top of that when I meet my wife before we went out on any date I told her that I am a crossdresser but at… Read more »
I’m not ashamed of who I am, yet I am respectful of friends and family. My significant other, tolerant and ultra liberal in so many ways, loathes cross dressing. Because of that I dress only when she is away…. Lately I have felt more drawn to my dresses, heels and makeup and as a result, more lonely in that I have no one with whom to share this wonderful experience. Websites like this one are a godsend to those of us who derive such a feeling of inner peace and wholeness from such a simple and harmless activity.
I have finally told my wife about my crossdressing. The hardest part was admitting it to myself and I feel a weight off of my chest. The hardest part was coming to terms with it myself. I am still not confident enough to go out dressed or raise with other family members bur happy have done so with wife.
First of all it is a feeling we all have that leeds us up to crossdressing. I’m not ashamed of being a crossdresser. I enjoy doing it. I like the way I feel when I dress up and I don’t feel like I’m indecent when I dress. I’m not trying to be something I’m not I just like wearing the clothes. They feel good. I feel more relaxed in the clothes. I also do my House work dresses up. Now you weman don’t wear skirts anymore and I love them I would ware one every day if i was not… Read more »
You wemon that are worried about your men. Trust him help him and if he loves you he well be there for you as a man when you need him. I don’t think he is gay. If he just does it at home it is a feeling that relaxes us it feel good. You must know you ware the clothes all the time. Or is it you wemon don’t want to share with us or your partners. I bye my own clothes and I feel good in them. So you dated us and you trusted us to marry us then… Read more »
I would dress full time if i could , i am Bi & would prefer to be a girl , i dont suffer from guilt but only dress in private as i dont wish to cause my wife any distress ,she knows & says its ok but am still too shy to come out fully . I was born into a very straight working class family & in a homophobic culture, & have lived my life in fear of being found out , i realise what this has done to my state of mind over the years , if i… Read more »
In a way, I guess I am ashamed of my feelings toward being a cross dresser. I have struggled with this for over 40 years. That’s a long time. When I was young I really beat myself up over my feelings. It started from my very first cross dressing experience when I was 17. What a great experience I had, but I had sooo much guilt afterward. After that, I had so many anxiety attacks that it’s a miracle that I made it through college. I kept having these problems with public speaking — here is how it went —… Read more »
Oh Linda dear, your story is shared by so many – it’s a long road to acceptance. Even though I thought I had accepted myself, I found new ways to be ashamed