I am not sure what I really want to say here. I’m at a crossroads (no pun intended) in my life. Up until about two weeks ago, I hadn’t dressed in many months. I am not out in the world as Candy; she is someone I privately dress up as and for myself. So far, I have had a week or so each year where the rest of the family is away and where I stay back to keep working or to give myself space. It’s during those weeks I dress as Candy as much I can, and I love it.
As the week comes to an end, I feel a sense of impending loss. I feel more myself as Candy, but like so many girls, it’s not as easy as just making the change. I have a wife and kids, and I know my wife would not accept this in her life. It would be the end of our marriage. I used to think that was not something I wanted. Over the past few years our marriage has lost all its spark and romance. I am not sure who pulled away first or who has pulled away more, but it’s become a friendship and roommate situation. We don’t sleep in the same room or even have the same bathroom. This does allow me to sleep every night as Candy, which has been wonderful. But as I said at the beginning, I hadn’t dressed up in quite a long time.
I miss her when I’m not her, but I haven’t been able to justify being her all the time. If I weren’t married with kids and maybe 20-25 years younger, I don’t think this would be so tough. If I were in my late teens or early 20’s and I figured this out about myself, I know I would have many years left as Candy and be able to have a life as her. Doing it now, in my mid 40’s, doesn’t feel like I would get to spend the best years of my life as Candy. I do know that if I were to make this change it would be to go all the way. I would want the hormones and surgeries and go through it all. I would want to be her as much as medical science would allow. I know I am her in my mind. I just don’t know if I can be her in body.
I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and this is my only place to express how I feel to myself and to others. I am not expecting much feedback, but any thoughts or shared experiences to come my way would not go amiss. Thank you to anyone who reads this.