I am not sure what I really want to say here. I’m at a crossroads (no pun intended) in my life. Up until about two weeks ago, I hadn’t dressed in many months. I am not out in the world as Candy; she is someone I privately dress up as and for myself. So far, I have had a week or so each year where the rest of the family is away and where I stay back to keep working or to give myself space. It’s during those weeks I dress as Candy as much I can, and I love it.

As the week comes to an end, I feel a sense of impending loss. I feel more myself as Candy, but like so many girls, it’s not as easy as just making the change. I have a wife and kids, and I know my wife would not accept this in her life. It would be the end of our marriage. I used to think that was not something I wanted. Over the past few years our marriage has lost all its spark and romance. I am not sure who pulled away first or who has pulled away more, but it’s become a friendship and roommate situation. We don’t sleep in the same room or even have the same bathroom. This does allow me to sleep every night as Candy, which has been wonderful. But as I said at the beginning, I hadn’t dressed up in quite a long time.

I miss her when I’m not her, but I haven’t been able to justify being her all the time. If I weren’t married with kids and maybe 20-25 years younger, I don’t think this would be so tough. If I were in my late teens or early 20’s and I figured this out about myself, I know I would have many years left as Candy and be able to have a life as her. Doing it now, in my mid 40’s, doesn’t feel like I would get to spend the best years of my life as Candy. I do know that if I were to make this change it would be to go all the way. I would want the hormones and surgeries and go through it all. I would want to be her as much as medical science would allow. I know I am her in my mind. I just don’t know if I can be her in body.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and this is my only place to express how I feel to myself and to others. I am not expecting much feedback, but any thoughts or shared experiences to come my way would not go amiss. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

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Candy Heels

I have been crossdressing in small amounts since a bi girlfriend dressed me up back when we dated. Since then I have done it on my own on rare occasions. Recently I have found myself dressing up in almost all my free time. I used to do it for sexual satisfaction, now it just feels normal. I don't know what to do or think. I have never told anyone.

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Katie Bforever
Active Member
Katie Bforever (@katieb1979)
19 days ago

Hello Candy, I myself feel the same way. I hid who I was from my wife and my kids. I was ready to take it to the grave my whole life until about two years ago when I turned 40. My wife sat me down and told me she wasn’t happy in our relationship, I in turn told her I was Trans. Two years of struggles and battles for my individual rights to make changes to myself to closer align as female took a toll. Surprisingly we are still together, my kids still don’t know. I told my mom, my… Read more »

Sandy Jayson
Duchess
Active Member
Sandy Jayson (@loneleycd)
18 days ago

Hi candy. I come at this from a slightly different angle. After watching Back To The Future again this last weekend, I realize that if I were to go back to my 25 year old self and fully transition there is so much here now that would no even exist. I wouldn’t have # kids who I love so much, I would not have 2 grand children who I love more than I can describe. By contrast my X when she starts talking about my CD keeps saying that if she had known about this side of me she would… Read more »

Heather Jameson
Duchess
Active Member
Heather Jameson (@heatherjameson)
18 days ago

I’m pretty much in the same boat. As you say if we could turn back the hands of time I would be Heather not just mentally but physically too but we both know that can’t happen. My wife hates to see me as Heather but it’s really hard to keep the person I am hidden. So I just enjoy as much time being me as I can to try to satisfy myself. Sorry I don’t have any great advice for you but if you find the answer please let me know.

Cheryl Williams
Member
Cheryl Williams (@cherylh)
18 days ago

At 66 years old, married for 32 to the same woman, have found it difficult to consider full time crossdressing but I miss having the chance to crossdress so much. I recently found picture of myself as 22 and my first thought was that I would have been a beautiful woman.

Trina Moray
Member
Trina Moray (@carlsen)
16 days ago

Hello Candy, my sincerest thoughts are with you! I’ve been through 3 marriages and been honest with them all! Wow, I can’t put my thoughts to words… but! I do now know at 65 that I would have done it differently. To be honest with yourself is the most important thing. No One else has to live in your head, nor can they! You can make yourself happy, but not others. I’ve been dealing with my feelings and individuality since 1959 or 60, it will never go away! I am now embracing it as best I can and a very… Read more »

Evany Evans
Member
Evany Evans (@goldenhearts64)
16 days ago

Hello Candy, I, although never having been at this point in my life, I do very much relate to how your current situation may feel as those it is lose-lose. This type of event is challenging for us all and I only hope that the community here can provide you a safe place to share these feelings. My only words of advice would be to go forth with the option that you feel will better your mental health and allow those involved here to maintain if not better theres as well. As a community, you have our word that we’ll… Read more »

Ashley Crossdress
Member
Ashley Crossdress (@landiswinchester)
16 days ago

Candy,
While I too would like to go back and rewrite my past and perhaps be Ashley full time. The time I have as being Ashley is a special time and part of my life that I dont have to share with anyone.

JaymeLynne
Member
JaymeLynne (@jaymelynne)
16 days ago

Candy Heels,
I am not a professional physiologist or anything but I would say first you need to face your marriage and your children first. Talk to your kids and let them know how you feel and what’s going on with you and their mom. After that is cared for then move on with Candy Heels. Don’t let every thing pile up on you at once. Take care of you and your kids first.

Celeste Starre
Member
Celeste Starre (@celeste2)
16 days ago

My main comment would be what makes you thing you are past the best years of your life? I made the major change to embrace my feminine side at age 50. That was 21 years ago and those 21 years have been the best years of my life and it keeps getting better.

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